Erotic Love

MMMmmmm lets talk a little Eros, erotic love. I read this:

“Romance is not in my repertoire, Eva. But 1000 ways to make you come is. Let me show you.” (Quote from Sylvia Day’s erotic novel “Bared to you”)

Let me tell you how that makes me feel… all tingly inside. But continuing with our discussion, its only obvious that sex, even if it’s toe-curling, lip-biting, sheet-grabbing, orgasmic, mind-blowing sex… it does not equate to REAL LOVE. If you have the life-altering experience of that kind of sex, it SHOULD change you, it’s designed that way. Sex is a very powerful thing, just ask any Connoisseur of sex whose skills in the Art of Love-making create addicts. We won’t go into how they seek vulnerable people to self-medicate their own brokenness, for now.

Sex, however good or not, was designed to transform two people, into one. It was originally intended to be the glue of a life-partnership. So yeah, good sex, is addictive. Let me say this… I wish people that have no interest in committed relationships would stop calling sex “love-making” because their purpose is to “get off” not create love. And it’s that type of spirit that has reduced the beautiful, intimate and romantic act of “life-locking” into this common-place extraction of endorphins. Sex has become a social drug and “pushers,” (those who exchange without feelings) find the obsession of others both a blessing and a curse… depending on the situation. I feel the same way about them that I do pan-handlers and addicts begging on the street for money (I am not a fan.) I guess it matters because I want to straighten something out… and that’s how males and females handle “casual sex” differently.

You see although I don’t have an inside tract on how males feel, I think females have a harder time getting over “just sex.” The first time is memorable for mostly everyone but for the most part, dudes can just go home and wash away the experience with a shower. Why it’s different for females is that when a male enters her womb, a secret space (a sort of Pandora's box) – the center of her being a spiritual door is opened, a connection is made, and a piece of him/them stays even after the physical person leaves. If it was mind-blowing great sex, she’ll crave it from him again, and again and again. But the part I don’t want you to miss is ITS A SPIRITUAL CONNECTION. Whether she agrees to a “no strings attached” kinda thing – the war still rages on internally (emotionally, physically, intellectually.) Sure, people can turn it all off, or purposely stop the wanting… but the fact remains every time sex happens a little DNA is left behind (learned that in the Sex Education class in school.) Because “everybody is doing it” (seemingly) its an anomaly to be an old virgin. And so the only way to stifle the emotional connection is to desensitize, which you must do in order to have multiple sexual partners. SMH

Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. It does a body good. If it’s done right… there are no words that can express how it can make a person feel. And everybody wants to wanted, to be doted on, to be the object of a healthy obsession... but for real for real, most people just want to be loved. The problem is, people nowadays seem to lack the capacity for committed long-term relationships. The throw away Cancel Culture is killing us. How do you have REAL LOVE where there isn’t REAL commitment and staying power? I get it, people want to be free to do what feels good… yes by all means be sexually freee… express yourself, give and take to your hearts desire, if that make you happy. I’m just saying use it responsibly. Have some morals about yourself. I’m just saying if you’re gonna reach out and touch someone like that, at least be honest and care, for real. But if you want REAL and LASTING LOVE, you gotta go deeper than that.

For more pillow talk, check back next week.

Hamster Wheel

To be honest I started this blog because I wanted to sell my book “4SELF101 Essential Life Skills” And I had so many ideas for the application of the secrets inside… (#survival guides) and much more. The truth is EVERYBODY can benefit from “getting themselves together” #self development. Why? Because no one under the skies are perfect. I’d like to say I’m nearly perfect but the truth is, we are all “jacked up” in one way or another. So the challenge became “How to live an “authentically me” life, to thrive and be happy”.

Back in the day I tried really really hard to “be loved.” Or maybe it was to capture the feeling, IDK. And so I was very clingy and didn’t really know when to leave… even from my friends homes. The truth is, growing up I wanted to be anywhere but home. And most my secret spaces, under the pink honey comb bush or up the plumb tree brought me peace. Even as a child, I was always a very lonely person. At one point I suffered from what I call “a debilitating loneliness.” After every break-up (and I dated a lot of people) I was plunged into a very dark and depressed state. Looking for love… not just in all the wrong places, yeah, but in actuality I was more of a case of “looking for love everywhere I could think of.” Eventually I got frickin’ tired of not getting what I NEED (very strong WANT.) And one day I had an epiphany… like a soft whisper floating on the wind, which blew thru me saying: “What if it’s me?” Poooooooooooof, in a second my whole world shifted and all that I could see before me was a mirror blocking out even the sun. “What if it izzzzzzz me” I thought. And then, like an erupting dormant volcano came the awareness … What if I have hidden ancient scripts, embossed on my psyche, junk passed down to me from the generations before me… running automatically undetected by me – controlling certain thoughts and behaviors. Kind of like “the sins of the father” or in my case, the sins of the mothers. I could see in my imagination a proverbial hamster stuck on a wheel, not of my making but yet active and moving in me, wreaking havoc in my life (#unhealthy behaviors and cycles.) For instance: How does one “not need a man/mate” and at the same time desperately have to have one? Its like a house divided, splitting hairs or an internal tug of war with your self-image at the center. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to myself… “Well, hell, is there something wrong with me?” And there was the wind again… “Yes, yes there are many things wrong … starting with, “Who are you, really.” Chasing the answer, took me down spiritual, emotional and intellectual paths of discovery, which many many years later has inexplicably led me here. Here’s what I’ve learned:

To start with, you have to know thyself. Uhhh should I say, BE HONEST do you like you? And if you do, what about yourself do you like? If you don’t like yourself, why not? In fact, right now grab a piece of paper and make 2 lists: 1) Things I like about myself and 2) Things I DON’T like about myself. Add one more list: “Things I am grateful for.” After you’ve finished I want you to think of ways to improve the DON’T likes, and how to CELEBRATE the things you do. Shift your focus from what you don’t like about yourself to being thankful for people and things in your life that are good. You can only love someone if you know them. So the goal is to get to know yourself (maybe all over again) and to fall in love with who you are. You’ve heard it said, “How can anyone else love you if you don’t love yourself.” Notice that it’s not a question but a statement.

Scooch up close and hear this… sometimes subconscious scripts keep us in negative cycles. Counseling is gooooood. And it feels even better to discover issues and get them resolved. You will literally feel a weight lifted, a freedom that you haven’t previously felt. Trust me. Learning to be AUTHENTICALLY You, in every circle in your life is an amazing feeling. But only comes when you are comfortable (and happy) in your own skin, regardless of other peoples’ opinions.

Lastly, I have to say it… To feel worthy of the best, you have to know your own worth. Let me share my secret regarding worth… my value comes from the knowledge that when I was at my worst, Someone loved me so much that He traded His life for mine. And that very act, transformed me being ordinary and on a path of destruction to Supernatural. It transfused royalty into my blood. Moving me from death to life, and life more abundantly. I believe differently, and I walk different, because I know who I am, Whose I am. That’s the secret and the mystery behind it. The knowledge is a treasure that keeps on paying. Get yours, and I can help if you want it. CLICK Here

Forgiveness = Freedom

We all have a story. Many have had horrendous things happen, which they had no control over. Those are the times when its just impossible to forgive. And nothing hurts worse than being hurt or betrayed by someone you trusted. People say… give it some time, time heals all wounds. It’s true, most things after time stop hurting, as long as you leave them alone. That thing may have scabbed over, the redness and puss may have disappeared, but that does not mean it’s all healed up.

Imagine, if you would, having a little backyard that you work so hard to keep groomed. And in the corner, where the fence comes together, very near the back side of your house, is an apple tree. You may not be a fan of apples but its good for food and shade – so you tolerate it. But every season it produces more apples than you can eat, sell or give away. They drop in the roof’s drain, all over the yard AND NOW even into your neighbor’s yard. What are your options? You can pluck all the apples off as soon as they grow. You can ignore the situation and be a slave to constant cleaning and complaints from your neighbor or you can cut the tree back to the stump to delay growth. But over time the apples will eventually return. Funny thing about apples, they are just FRUIT of a deeper problem. And whether you want it or not you’ll be dropping apples in everyone’s yard around you until you fix the problem (#Issues and Monkies).

Sometimes you deserve to be angry, especially when you’ve been taken advantage of or hurt. YOU HAVE A RIGHT to feel what you feel. The truth is you may never understand where the other person was coming from. But holding onto hurt and pain only causes it to morph into anger, then bitterness, wrath and finally turns into the spirit of murder. In other words it creates a kind of poison that creates illnesses/disease and could possibly take you out or cause harm to others. You think enough time has gone by and all is well and then that thing gets bumped. Something feels weird, doesn’t seem right or you see “red flags” … and then …HELLO MONKIES! And you realize the infection is alive and well. There’s your issue yanking your chain and “making” you REACT in ways that surprises even you… like “going clean off” when someone gets on your last nerve, fussing and fighting, avoiding certain people or situations even self-sabotage. Thems your apples… a sign that something deeper is going on.

What really stinks is while you’re still struggling, the person/s that did the deed has gone on with their life. Apparently the issue isn’t hurting them like it’s hurting you. Every time your issue (monkie) is bumped, your thoughts and emotions drive you to respond (react or protect SELF.) You will remain CHAINED to this person and what they have done, UNTIL YOU FORGIVE them and let it go. I know I know, you’re probably screaming “But you don’t know what they did to me!!!” Forgiveness doesn’t let them off the hook or say they’re right. It just breaks their control, connection and ability to effect how you feel and act. It releases the monkie so that it’s Maker can deal with it, and what they’ve done. Dropping the chain releases you to receive the healing and blessings you deserve. When you drop the chain you are actually the one who gets set FREE! Don’t worry they’ll get what’s coming to them.

HOW TO FORGIVE THE UNFORGIVABLE

1. Fully process what has happened (with the help of a PROFESSIONAL counselor, if needed)

2. Acknowledge what part you played and forgive yourself. (If you were attacked, raped or molested, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!)

3. Confront the person. If you are not able to do so in strength (without crying or breaking down) write it down in a letter and send it to them.

4. Release the chain: Pray or meditate to release all the yuck inside of you and to forgive the offender. Here’s an example of a prayer: “I am hurt and very angry for what ____ did to me and forgiving them is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I need your help. Will you please forgive me for the hate and malice I’ve held in my heart towards them? Please remove it all, heal me, and make me whole again. I release them and they release me. Please deal with what they’ve done and help me go on with my life. Thank you, It’s in Jesus’s Name (the bridge between me and you) that I pray, Amen.” (Remember only God has the power to judge, to change hearts and deal with the soul – yours and theirs.)

For more information on “Monkies” and Forgiveness get your copy of “4 SELF 101” here. If you need help with forgiving and moving forward, I got you (click here.)

Valentines Alone

What do you do on February 13th, the night before Valentine's Day and it’s cold and you find yourself alone again? Lying in the bed, looking up at the ceiling you realize, whelp… it’s going to be another lonely Valentine’s Day.

First of all, this is the OPTIMUM time to “love on” yourSELF! Nobody knows what floats your boat like you do. What makes you giggle under your breath, what songs make you dance (like nobody’s looking), what smells take you back to the best parts of your childhood. If you are alone, you don’t have to have that stabbing pang … just think about those people who you really loves you. And acknowledge it (out loud if you have to) YOU ARE LOVED!

I spent so many years hating life because I didn’t have anyone (a mate) to share it with. I was waiting until I had “someone” to do things with and so I lonely and bored. (The real tragedy was that I had my loving kids around me, but that wasn’t enough,hhhhhhhh, smh.) I didn’t always agree with my Momma, but she said, “If you want things done right, do it yourself.” And in this case, that is really good advice. But… and here’s an important key, don’t be resentful and close off your heart, because you never know who you might meet, or what opportunities may bump into you. If you believe no one is coming, you’re right. If you don’t love your life, you have the power to change it. Being “in the moment” makes my heart blaze. I don’t mean just showing up, I saying BE (be fully alive!) Be inquisitive, be joyous and smile, be light-footed, have big eyes, and use all your senses to experience the moment. I mean after all, not everyone woke up this morning. And by the way, tomorrow is not promised.

You want someone to rub your feet, get a pedicure. Want a massage, go to “Massage Envy” or some other little spa. Wanna feel loved call your Mom, or bestie, or Aunt, or Grandmother to talk, or even better go visit them and get a big. Or take a trip. Don’t just sit at home depressed. DO SOMETHING. Not having the money is a real excuse… I know, but you get a tax return. Instead of buying that new television or car plan in advance to give yourSELF the queen/king treatment on Valentines Day. If you don’t have an intimate mate, love on yourSELF - get a toy. Ooops, did I say that? I sure did. It’s better than going to a club and having a one-night stand or giving it up to someone who doesn’t really want you. Love yourSELF, cater to yourSELF, spoil yourSELF and ENJOY YOUR LIFE (don’t wait.) If after that and you’re still aren’t happy - PRAY AND ASK GOD TO GIVE YOU JOY. Joy is different from “happy” because happy depends on what’s happening. Joy is a god-spark that bubbles up on the inside… and no one can take it from you.

Get somewhere and look around. You will quickly realize someone is always worse off than you. And then be thankful for the good things in your life. If you are “a believer” believe and speak into existence what’s not now as though it already was. If you stick with God then even the what seems bad is working for your good. And the promise is - beyond the darkness a sunrise is coming. Just keep living. If no has ever told you… there is a gift of love, an eternal, unconditional, forever burning, love available to you. God IS loves and he has the hots for you! He served of His Son’s life in exchange for yours… even when you weren’t on His trip, hoping that you would except His gift (gifts) and live a HappyLife with Himself. Now people sacrafice for other’s all the time, but then they EXPECT this or that. They don’t give you a choice, but God does. Whether you Take it or Leave it, it doesn’t diminish Who He is. Feeling unloved… try God. I love all the blessings He showers us with, air, sunlight, rain - even things I feel like I got on my own… my job, home, car. He set it all up and let me take credit. Let’s not talk about the new supply of grace and mercies that comes everyday… I’m telling you, that’s real LOVE! And this love is the source of that kinda bubbling up joy that stays with you, to Valentines Day and beyond. Its a forever kinda thing.

So, uhhhh, the world can keep their “Lover’s” day … I’m so good right now and you can be too  (#single #strong and happy #LOVED)!!!!  If you’re in a space that you can’t get out of, CLICK HERE, I’m the best coach for that.

Its Me not You

Have you ever liked someone and thought it was all going good until things started tapering off? I hate that, especially when you’re being consistent and giving it all you’ve got. Honestly, it can do a real number on your self-esteem if you are not as strong in your inner-being (SELF) as you thought. Even when you’re strong in your IDENTITY there are times… times when you may feel the universe is depriving you of the things you desire most. Seems like the more basic those things are, the worse you feel… “well what’s wrong with me?”

Let’s be real, sometimes relationships suck! And they suck most when you’ve committed your whole heart, soul, and time, and have invested your hopes and dreams and then… the other person starts trippin.’ I realize every 20 (30+) year marriage has fought through and survived this type of challenge. What is a “Covenant Commitment” anymore, I think they are fading. Now I’m an “always got one bag packed” kinda gal. And yep it’s a defense mechanism that I’ve formed from connecting with far too many emotionally unavailable people (thanx Dad.) This thing has fostered an “If anyone is gonna be shivering and cold (physically and emotionally stripped) due to the dying out of a once blazing fire…” It ain’t gonna be me. In fact, people are amazed at how quickly I move on. Lol, and I have to say this is a dysfunction that seems to serve me well. But, wisdom has taught me to use a method when I meet someone that has potential, called EQUAL ENERGY. It’s another way of saying, match your energy to someone else’s. After all, actions do speak louder than words. Being incredibly careful and reserved, helps you spot predators on the prowl, panty-robbers, guys looking to augment their harem, and those who love the IDEA of relationships but really aren’t able/ ready for one. And when you have boundaries… some people reallllly go to lengths to coax you off of them. This is why you HAVE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE (and if you’re a believer, Whose you are) AND where you’re going. This queen right here has chosen not to “go that extra mile” until our “ENERGY LEVEL” is balanced (100 to 100). You pull back, so will I. But if you push to go too fast, faster than what’s natural for the zone we’re in… you gonna get slowed down. And if that’s a problem… next.

Face it, some things we want don’t really fit. And not everyone who shows attention to you is dating material. You’ve got to be especially careful when you’re lonely and feeling thirsty. Sometimes a compliment is just that and should be left with ONLY a smile and a thank you. Most times it's the universe’s way of saying “I see you, and you’re looking good.”

At the end of the day, can you look in the mirror and say, God has my best in mind, and He is not withholding it from me? Remembering that when I wasn’t even on His trip, He sent His Son to take lashes and die in my place. THAT’S what gives me VALUE… The King of Kings traded His own life for mine?!!! Mmmmm SMH. So now faith and trust are mine through which I can sober-mindedly determine who is worthy to receive my gifts. For me, it’s God (in all His Glory) that is MOST worthy to receive my unconditional, brakes off, reckless ever-burning love because He has never left or forsaken me. He answers EVERY TIME I called (even at midnight or 3:00 am) He always SHOWS UP for me. He wipes every tear, straightens my spine when I’m bent over, and heals my all wounds (emotional, physical, spiritual). You might say… well he’s perfect, after all… He is God. Yes, it’s supernatural and we can never expect man to be perfect. But men, showing up and being honest (from the beginning) is a great start, the best! Don’t get me wrong, delaying PHYSICAL gratification, is sooo hard, but lowing your standards just to have someone will create more issues than it will solve (#SELF-Esteem) issues.

Esteem yourself as being worthy of the best, know it, repeat it and pamper yourself - that’s SELF-care.

The hardest thing I have ever said aloud is (and I’m not entirely sure that I’ve reached the pinnacle that makes the following statement 100% true, but…) If I never have another whirl-wind long-term romance, I can be satisfied knowing that I am loved right now at the highest level. Cherish and live for the love of people you know love and cherish you. And if that love doesn’t SATISFY you, you’ve gotta ask yourself why. And that place is a good place to fix any cracks. In the meantime Never let anyone else determine your value or worth. … Step up your SELF-care (SELF-Love) thing until you know within yourSELF that you’re better than gold. So, the next time someone says, “It’s not you it’s me” you can say under your breath… “Damn right!” After all that… Never lose hope: Good honest people do still exist, just stay open and be ready to receive those gifts as they come.

If you struggle just know as always, I got some help for you, For Life Coaching, a listening ear or Prayer… CLICK HERE.

Get your copy of 4SELF101 here. It’s not just for Teens.

Inner Child 4: Puppy Love

Ok, let me tell you about the man I met at 4, lol, back then he was the boy next door. He had the cutest milky yellow face with “good hair” that was brushed down and parted on the side.  Mom and Dad’s divorced brought us to my grandmas and that and that’s where I met Paul. One of 5 super fine boys, the son of a sometimes very harsh Military man and a beautiful light-skinned (mulatto I think) “Fathers Knows Best” housewife.  She wore a French bun and crisp white apron.  I can’t image the strength (and control) it took to keep 5 boys in line while dad was away.  

One day while sitting in Gram’s yard Paul came bouncing over, in his clean little shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes… looking like a JC Penny’s advertisement model. We’d sit and play (with trucks, cars, or marbles… or whatever) for hours until his mother called him in to make the “red Kool-Aid” for dinner. And afterwards he would return with red-dyed fingertips.  Over the next year and a half, we became inseparable, until my Mom remarried, and we moved to “the county.”  But whenever I came to Gram’s I needed to see him (or Vicki my bestie across the street.) And then one day… like bam! the Military snatched  his family away to California, Essex Place was never the same again. Man! I was crushed. Unexpectedly, about 3 years later, Gram received a letter for me from San Diego, it was Paul. And that started a 4 year long-distance love affair lived out through 6 to7 page letters. We did everything together, travel, sports, hobbies, and dream… and we eventually began to plan our future, complete with a picket fence and 3 kids.    

Aww shucks and then my family relocated to Cali and all I could think of was seeing Paul again. When the invite came to spend the day (and night) at the Landers’ house I was ecstatic… but a little weirded out (who does that?). I saw Paul waiting outside as we pulled up, as soon as the car stopped rolling I jumped out and we ran into each other’s arms,  It was like a movie, lol. We made ourselves scarce and spent the entire day just catching up and kissing. At bedtime I retreated to his room and he to the couch downstairs. Everything was very innocent. Laying in his bed our letters came to life… I was in his world now.  The ceiling was like a night sky filled with stars and glowing planes hanging from stings. I was felt closer to him then ever, and as I drifted off to sleep feeling warm, safe... and loved.

BUT IN THE MORNING… the Mothers summonsed us to the kitchen for a little chat. Thinking that was odd, holding hands we shrugged it off and entered the room. Mrs. Landers began by saying, “At first I thought this was Puppy-love but now that I see you together, I realize it’s  much more than that.” (I wonder if she knew that we had our future together already planned out?) “I don’t know if I can have this… He’s my baby boy and he has plans to become an Aeronautical Engineer like his father.” And my mother just nodded. I can’t remember the sequence now but afterward we ran off to spend the last remaining hours together before I had to leave. In the following weeks the letters began to trickle in, and I just  knew something was wrong.  And then he called: “It’s not you, it’s me …” he said, and my world came crashing down. I cried for weeks. And then I remembered the intervention and his mother words, “I don’t think I can have this…” After a brief depression I fell in love with Kip McGee. But the gaping hole remained …

It wasn’t until 15 years later that Paul, and I met and had a very vulnerable talk. He listened very patiently, I forgave him and received closure that day. But my secret hopes crashed and burned when his mom invited another girl to the same holiday dinner, he invited me to. He always denied his mom’s involvement in the demise of our relationship… but I felt like this was proof. So, we both went on with our lives. He DID become a rocket scientist, and later married a beautiful German girl and had 3 kids. They’re teenagers today… mine are grown (chuckle chuckle.)

Revisiting Lil Anji (and the PUPPY LOVE situation) I learned… 1) Sometimes God doesn’t answer your prayers the way you want Him to but there is always a good reason why. 2) Perfection is sometimes only skin deep. I thought having 2 parents was better than the life I had. But when I saw how mean/harsh Poppa Landers was to Paul and how controlling his Momma was… I realized every family has dysfunction (but even with brokenness, ya don’t have to treat people like crap!) AND 3) You’ll never be “good enough” for some people no matter how hard you try. Don’t take on their “monkies.” And don’t let their opinions shape who you are. God’s love compels me (each of us) to address our own “monkies,” to FORGIVE, RELEASE and move on. (I AM who i am by the grace of God!)

In closing let me say this about Paul, I am so very proud of him and I am very happy that he’s happy (#friendsforever).

Hey if you are struggling to get over your past and/or first love, I can help you, CLICK HERE For more on “monkies” and how to get rid of them get 4SELF 101 here (Its not just for teens.)

Inner Child 3: #Relationship Goals

In my book 4 SELF 101, Chapter 11: SELF-Care, we focus on “MiMi’s Story”, which is about a girl and her problematic dating life.  How many of you have heard “Do as I say, Not as I do”? Why do parents even go there? Don’t they know it’s the very nature of a child to gather data and put it into practice? That’s their very nature. So, guess where they gather their data? Duhhhhhh…

MiMi like many others, just wants to be loved and to have a good relationship that lasts. But her role models happen to be good women with bad dating (marrying) habits. All she’s ever seen are TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, so that’s her NORM. My story is very similar… lets visit my INNER CHILD and you’ll see what I mean.

Lil Anji: “My Mom and Dad, the most “handsomest” man in the world, were divorced when I was 4. I missed him sooo much that I used to cry at night “I want my daddy.” But I never saw him again for a long long time unless he was in one of my Honey-suckle tree daydreams. (see the previous blogpost Home Haunted Home.) One day my Mom remarried my “Pop” Bill and everything was good UNTIL… the “Saturday Nite Fights” started. Moses and me, clung together while dishes broke, and bodies hit the wall… it used to shake the entire tiny-house. To stop Baby Bruh from screaming and crying we used to sing songs under the covers.” (I was about 6 when I made a SELF-fulfilling promise that wreaked havoc in my future relationships…) “I’m never getting married, it takes you through too many changes.”

The mis-education of Lil Anji only included Mom (who was married & divorced 3 times), our neighbors the Browns, The Thompsons (like “Father Knows Best”) Uncle Al (married & divorced SIX times) and Grandma. When I went over Gram’s house, where I’d go to get away from the madness, BTW was also apparently haunted (#Poltergeist)... I’d notice “huh, no grandpa.” (I never new my Mom’s Dad.) But what I did see was how Gram owned her own home, a nice car, shopped at only the most expensive department stores (like Dillard and the former JC Pennys). She wore only the best leather shoes and owned diamonds and furs… and all this on a 3rd grade education! She was the Matriarch, her legacy set the expectation and standard of “Female Independence, Class and Strength.” Following in her footsteps became my very own CORE VALUE. But how many of you know your greatest strength can turn out to be you’re greatest weakness? INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN just is... She is queen, conquerer, regal… yes worthy of admiration. BUT! The Mindset…. can be toxic to loving partnerships because she’s ruling PERIODT. I’mma set that right there (and leave it alone) for a later time…. because that’s a whole nuther’ discussion.

Now with that said, I love being an Independent Black Woman, and I have worked hard at it, but it’s taken a lot of SELF work to get the right balance. So let me boil this down for you right quick. Lil Anji was (and still is) a daddy’s girl who experienced REJECTION and ABANDONMENT. She mainly experienced only TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS growing up (marriages that never lasted.) She made an INNER VOW to never get married. And her top CORE VALUE was to maintain her crown of being an INDEPENDENT BLACK QUEEN. And I am telling all that came with a lot of MONKIES and GENERATIONAL STUFF that present day me has had to fight through, dissect, and be healed of - in order to find the HAPPYLIFE.

One huge thing was figuring out what I really wanted. I had a bad case of double-mindedness (Wanting but not wanting at the same time (#RELATIONSHIP STALL). I realized the only way to change my circumstances was to 1) Understand what happened back there, 2) UNLEARN unhealthy mindsets, and 3) Change the way I do things. (Remember the definition of INSANITY.) Rethinking thing, fixing what is broken, using positive confessions and redirecting your energy … IS VITAL! But like SELF Development, it’s a work in progress. I encourage you to follow my footsteps and visit your INNER CHILD (once again) to look at your relationships and you will see where many of your today-issues came from. Its a starting place to address your MONKIES and become whole. For you can only experience true happiness from a place of WHOLENESS.

In all seriousness, dealing with generational issues, curses and habits (the sins of the fathers/mothers) is a spiritual journey. Find a Christian Counselor that has experience with deliverance and inner healing. And if you need help getting started, as always, I got you - CLICK HERE.

For more information on MONKIES, MiMi’s Story and overcoming TOXIC dating behavior, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens… it’s also for the TEEN in you.

Next Blog I’mma tell you about Paul who I fell in love with at 3 years old.