Valentines Alone

What do you do on February 13th, the night before Valentine's Day and it’s cold and you find yourself alone again? Lying in the bed, looking up at the ceiling you realize, whelp… it’s going to be another lonely Valentine’s Day.

First of all, this is the OPTIMUM time to “love on” yourSELF! Nobody knows what floats your boat like you do. What makes you giggle under your breath, what songs make you dance (like nobody’s looking), what smells take you back to the best parts of your childhood. If you are alone, you don’t have to have that stabbing pang … just think about those people who you really loves you. And acknowledge it (out loud if you have to) YOU ARE LOVED!

I spent so many years hating life because I didn’t have anyone (a mate) to share it with. I was waiting until I had “someone” to do things with and so I lonely and bored. (The real tragedy was that I had my loving kids around me, but that wasn’t enough,hhhhhhhh, smh.) I didn’t always agree with my Momma, but she said, “If you want things done right, do it yourself.” And in this case, that is really good advice. But… and here’s an important key, don’t be resentful and close off your heart, because you never know who you might meet, or what opportunities may bump into you. If you believe no one is coming, you’re right. If you don’t love your life, you have the power to change it. Being “in the moment” makes my heart blaze. I don’t mean just showing up, I saying BE (be fully alive!) Be inquisitive, be joyous and smile, be light-footed, have big eyes, and use all your senses to experience the moment. I mean after all, not everyone woke up this morning. And by the way, tomorrow is not promised.

You want someone to rub your feet, get a pedicure. Want a massage, go to “Massage Envy” or some other little spa. Wanna feel loved call your Mom, or bestie, or Aunt, or Grandmother to talk, or even better go visit them and get a big. Or take a trip. Don’t just sit at home depressed. DO SOMETHING. Not having the money is a real excuse… I know, but you get a tax return. Instead of buying that new television or car plan in advance to give yourSELF the queen/king treatment on Valentines Day. If you don’t have an intimate mate, love on yourSELF - get a toy. Ooops, did I say that? I sure did. It’s better than going to a club and having a one-night stand or giving it up to someone who doesn’t really want you. Love yourSELF, cater to yourSELF, spoil yourSELF and ENJOY YOUR LIFE (don’t wait.) If after that and you’re still aren’t happy - PRAY AND ASK GOD TO GIVE YOU JOY. Joy is different from “happy” because happy depends on what’s happening. Joy is a god-spark that bubbles up on the inside… and no one can take it from you.

Get somewhere and look around. You will quickly realize someone is always worse off than you. And then be thankful for the good things in your life. If you are “a believer” believe and speak into existence what’s not now as though it already was. If you stick with God then even the what seems bad is working for your good. And the promise is - beyond the darkness a sunrise is coming. Just keep living. If no has ever told you… there is a gift of love, an eternal, unconditional, forever burning, love available to you. God IS loves and he has the hots for you! He served of His Son’s life in exchange for yours… even when you weren’t on His trip, hoping that you would except His gift (gifts) and live a HappyLife with Himself. Now people sacrafice for other’s all the time, but then they EXPECT this or that. They don’t give you a choice, but God does. Whether you Take it or Leave it, it doesn’t diminish Who He is. Feeling unloved… try God. I love all the blessings He showers us with, air, sunlight, rain - even things I feel like I got on my own… my job, home, car. He set it all up and let me take credit. Let’s not talk about the new supply of grace and mercies that comes everyday… I’m telling you, that’s real LOVE! And this love is the source of that kinda bubbling up joy that stays with you, to Valentines Day and beyond. Its a forever kinda thing.

So, uhhhh, the world can keep their “Lover’s” day … I’m so good right now and you can be too  (#single #strong and happy #LOVED)!!!!  If you’re in a space that you can’t get out of, CLICK HERE, I’m the best coach for that.

Naughty or Nice

Last week we talked about being “NICE” about sweetness, being kind and “Monkies” (issues.) Nope, I’m not summarizing it, you just have to go back and read it, lol. One thing I will say about “being overly nice” is… IT IS A MASK. Don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice person if its organic and genuine. There is a time and place for everything EVEN being “a little naughty”… But when you’re “overly nice” and you end up in spots you later regret or suffer for (over and over again) there’s a problem. For one thing, your SELF esteem takes a beating, you lose SELF-trust and then there’s the “VITAL SIGNS,” that you don’t see but everyone else does. They’re evidence that a monkie is hiding nearby (uh in you.) I like to call this thing the “Jekyll & Hyde” syndrome. Sounds funny? I just made that up but it’s trying so hard to be good but something of you just won’t cooperate. My struggle was the “good Christian-girl” versus the “Bad-Girl” thing. On one side I desired to be pure and chase… but on the other I used to be like (music please) “IIIII wanna sexxxx you up!” This struggle is real even Apostle Paul said,

“What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise… so that my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in (right) actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” Rom 7: 16-20, MSG

When you’ve been in the “relationship desert” for a while and the “dry patch” has turned into a dusty road like the one from Cali to Vegas… you start compromising your value system for a little fulfillment. Fortunately, The Spirit within is always willing and ready to take the “Superhero stance” inside of you with one hand on a hip and the other outstretched exclaiming “NOT TODAY SATAN!” But instead of nurturing that thing we tend to accept all the little tasty morsels the world has to offer, which by default shrinks the spirit and blows up our fleshly desires to Hulk status. So when just the right temptation comes along its not rocket science to figure out which will win… the spirit or the body? You know the answer and that’s why when Jekyll is finished playing and the lights come on we mostly feel like crap. Unless you get tired of being a hypocrite, doing the same things the same way, those monkies will just keep growing and taking more control.

THE GOOD NEWS

90% of this behavior is subconscious and the other 10% are the rotten decisions you continue to make. Previously I did a 5-post series called “FML” (Fix My Life) which explained “vacuum needs.” In case you didn’t catch the posts, a vacuum need is like a black hole developed when we didn’t receive what we needed as a child. And it can be many needs like attachment, affection, attention, and security – those things that build your IDENTITY and creates a healthy SELF (or not.) Anyhow, these “needs” NEEEEEEED to be filled, or you are subconsciously compelled, propelled to fill the needs on your own. In fact the striving won’t stop, can’t stop until the “black hole” is filled - it’s the feeling that happiness can’t be had until this thing is filled, resolve… made right.

How to FIX this thing

This Jekyll & Hyde thing is as much about your identity as it is about dealing with (ridding yourSELF of) your monkies. The goal is to take off the mask permanently and to be consistently genuinely YOU in every situation. Oh yeah, it’s gonna take a made-up mind, determination and work. This is not a formula and I am not a therapist (ya might want to get yourself one.) But I can coach you. Try this:

1. Forgive yourSELF for all the bad choices and for hurting yourSELF

2. Seek, Knock and Find (Grab a Bible and read Matt 7:7-8 and Jer 29:13)

3. Find your Monkies, and resolve those issues (get professional help if you need to)

4. Set specific boundaries and don’t crumble (but if you do, get up, forgive & try again)

5. Don’t put yourSELF (or follow or go) into those tempting situation

6. Get an accountability partner and do OTHER FUN THINGS.

Get solid on the inside, and you will see the changes outside. And if you need help, as always I got you, click here. For more info on Monkies, Breaking Bad Habits, Boundaries, and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here (it’s not just for Teens.)

Love Me Long Time

Sooooo, Valentine’s Day 2021 was like last Sunday and lately it’s just been an annoyance…. I guess I’m not into the commercialism of it or of Christmas. For me it’s all about the feeling… of experiencing romance and intimacy, well and actually of being in love - to know you are loved.  I have never been into the “faking the funk” or wearing masks.  Either you is or you ain’t, there’s no almost or sortas.

I’ve heard people say, “If you have never been hurt by “love” you haven’t really lived.” Ehhhh you see, I feel like the person who came up with that rosy euphemism didn’t really understand the nature of Love.  Love ain’t like getting high and stubbing your tie. The truth of the matter is LOVE, real love never hurts… it’s hurting (and broken) people that hurt other people. We flawed humans have a hard time actually receiving and processing REAL Love.  Love is a DIVINE and pure gift manifested through fleshly hearts, self-less actions… and it’s nearly impossible to pass on something one does not have or has ever experienced.  People are often self-serving and tend to do what makes them happy until it no longer does.  And lately, what’s this thing of getting into a one thing for the meantime until something better comes along?  Some people change boyfriend/girlfriends like they change socks. I digress… lets move on.

Real Love is a DIVINE and Supernatural gift. To understand it you gotta go deeper than your feelings.  Saint Paul was divinely inspired when he described love as:  

1.        Love never stops loving

2.       Love is large and incredibly patient

3.       Love is gentle and kind

4.       Is not jealous or puffed up

5.       Does not shame or disrespect others

6.      Love does not seek its own honor

7.       Love celebrates honesty and doesn’t love what is wrong

8.      Love is a safe place of shelter

9.      Love never stops believing the best for others

10.   Love NEVER FAILS

Now, now I hear you… who can do all that? And my answer to you, one flawed individual to another… is NO BODY CAN LOVE THAT WAY. In fact, I think we should just stop using the word LOVE altogether until we HOOK UP TO THE SOURCE. Honestly, you have to have LOVE LIVING inside of you. I’m not just talking about being inspired… You have to submit to love, be subject to it, be vulnerable and be obedient to it (correction: to HIM). Love is a Spirit, He’s Real, He talks, He instructs, He corrects, and He directs. Without a relationship to LOVE, love cannot be figured out.  Love is something we (every human being) needs.  It’s part of the foundation built from the loving interactions between parent and their child.  This is particularly important between the ages of birth to _____.  And it’s vital that a child gets what they need at this developmental stage… if not it becomes a DEFICIENCY NEED. And that vacuum never stops sucking. This child goes from one relationship to the next looking, looking, looking for love (one that will last.)

Clearly, so many of us trying to love (in a fleshly way) did not receive the proper LOVING foundation.  And so, as adults we are left to figure out what we missed.  It seems to be a common problem… How to fix those cracks, holes, the vacuum for love in  our SOULS so that we can LOVE RIGHT…

These sources can help:

Book: Soul Care: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

Website: Love is Respect

FML Part 4: Broken Cookies

How old were you when you first did the do? By “the do” I mean had sex? Oh yeah, I’m getting right to the point this week. At first, I was going to make this blog post about money and being broke. The word “broke” as you may or may not know is slang that means “having no money.” It refers to a smashed piggy bank with its contents poured out. Not to be compared to with BROKENNESS. I do have lots to say about money, the poverty mindset, and the ridiculous amount of power we give money over our lives, that’ll come next week. BUT… because I’m feeling a bit snarky at the moment, I’ve changed my mind. This little talk is going to be about SEXUALITY, abstinence, and virginity (or loss thereof.)

I’m not sure how transparent I want to be with you regarding my own cookie-breaking experience… although I do feel my story is an important one (and so is yours.) Let me suffice it to say I was very very very young when I first had sex. I can talk about it now because I’m too old to get in trouble, lol. Not unlike most peer pressure stories, I was trying to fit into a small group much older than myself. Most believers will quote the “Thou Shall Not’s” of fornication, but in PRACTICALITY the real reason for not having sex when you’re too young for a lasting committed relationship … IS THE BURN! And by the burn, I’m not talking about a social disease… I mean HORNY-ness. Breaking the cookie for the first time is like opening Pandora’s box, uh literally.  It starts a fire that must be quenched. Simply put, sex was originally intended to be a divine glue that through desire, passion of orgasmic expression to transform two people (that belong to each other) into one person (complete unity in spirit, emotionally, and in purpose). That is why breakups, when sex was the norm, are so difficult because is like an amputation. Sex taken in the right context is good! However, when SEX is USED, it can be very damaging. Think of a raging unconstrained fire…

Nowadays sex is just a social activity, it’s no big deal. Sex has become so common… seems like it is normal expectation in dating. In DATING! I literally hesitate to say “before marriage” or “outside of marriage” because in the “world view” marriage is less popular than COVID! (smh) The “test drive” has become a real and necessary thing a prerequisite for choice-making. And I get it, I do… good sex is important. It’s both binding and freeing; both a flame and an extinguisher, a thirst and a quencher simultaneously. But the fact that society places more value on orgasms and fun, than it does on real connection, fidelity, and community is evidence of a moral decay.  The sad thing is lonely people often put themselves out there and date EVEN IF still jacked up from a previous thing. Knowing that they are not in the position (mentally or emotionally) to hold down a real relationship.  Baby if you’re broken… get your ish straight before bringing other people into your mix! OR BE HONEST upfront! I’m sorry (not sorry) but if sex is your main motive and you have no intention of having a relationship, it is your responsibility to let the object of your attention know - anything else is just wrong, I don’t care how you justify it.  

Whole people (with nothing broken and nothing missing) should do better. Remember the golden rule, “Do unto others …” blah blah blah you know the rest.  Let’s retool it to say:  Honor your SELF by valuing other people (everybody) as if they were an extension of your own person.  If you aren’t ready to deal with other people… don’t. If your flame is burning like that, don’t be shady find a SUBSTITUTION (side-eye) … I’m sure you know what I mean. Happy endings are best when you’re in a focused, committed, joyous relationship that has purpose. (Notice I said joyous and not happy) see previous blog post: FML 2: Unhappy

Decide today, I have, not to accept any more broken cookies. Either come whole or stay at home. That’s all I got to say. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT!!! The most important part! How to FML (FIX My Life)… You’ve given a piece of your SELF to every person you’ve had sex with and they’ve with you. So imagine giving&receiving with 10, 20…. 100 sexual partners. Talk about BROKEN COOKIES (and crumbs) yikes! To be WHOLE (and happy) you must reclaim all those pieces, and break the SOUL-TIES, which is the reason you can't get over him/her - your souls are tied… the sex did that. If you need help click here, I got you!

The Booty Call

Its 12:30am Friday night/saturday morning and the phone rings. The sexy voice on the line starts with, “Hey Baby whatcha doing…” Its the BOOTY CALL!!! Now, for females accepting bootys is seen by the world as a negative thing, where as for men making and benefiting from a call is a beautiful thing. It’s the old double standard. Society has crammed women into a narrow box. We are expected to be monogamous, being chaise, loyal to a fault… you know, to be a good woman. And we are supposed to be good lovers… uh but not too good… She is meant to be a PARTNER to build with, ½ the foundation of a home, an upgrade.  Too many “hit-it-and-quit-it” encounters, according to the world view are shameful and therefore decreases her value.  (Fffffff… the world’s opinion.)  But let’s be honest when females want intimacy and sex and romance … and she’s been in the relationship dessert, tumbleweed town, cricketsville, whatever … for a while, anything is better than nothin’ (pretty much.) Yep she’s thirsty but does that make her a “hoe” or “COMMUNITY BOOTY?”

Except for the minimal conflict one may face while pondering the religious and moral implications of allowing the flickering flame to burn unconfined momentarily, sex outside of marriage (which isn’t what it used to be) has become a satisfaction-driven instantaneous act. Hookin’up, Just chillin’ are acceptable social activities.   

But and I dare ask, what does sex (every once in a while or even frequently) do for and to a woman’s spirit, her mind, and emotions?  We all know what the bible says about “fornication,” adultery and sex outside of marriage… puts you on the path to HELL, true… but honestly how much weight does “someday in the sweet by and by” (or not) have on the pains of here and now?  Here’s a churchy question: Would you trade sweet eternity for temporary physical bliss? Don’t answer that… instead let’s get real…

What does the woman giving up the booty want? I would venture to say, she wants to be loved. That’s an oversimplified answer but the real question is - to what level is she willing to go in order to FEEL loved? The giving-of-sex-hoping-for-love thing will always be present, where there is BROKENNESS (and there are plenty of sharks following that blood trail.) Fix the brokenness and transform your prospective. Love is so much more than a hump and a pump.   

So, what about the No Strings, No Drama kind of girl making the booty call? She’s just like the rest of us, but in denial. She has a wall that says if I don’t connect, I won’t get hurt.  But it takes effort to have and maintain something that is real in order to make it last.  See that white picket fence, enclosing a beautifully manicured yard? How do you think it got that way, osmosis? Uh no… sweat, pulling, digging, planting, watering… connection and care.  You want sex but not love… something is broken, missing or both.  Fix that and you will transform who you are, how you approach love and also live life.  Don’t be fooled, love isn’t love until you give, for real.  Every time you give of yourself with a BOOTY CALL, you have to do damage control. You must readjust your heart, your prospective and your expectations. You must learn to NOT WANT, what you really do and what you NEED. The Booty Call is a game - a game that shreds the SELF piece by piece. Aren’t you tired of playing yet? When I said “Fffff” the world’s opinion, I meant that! It’s not what the world thinks about who you are & what you do… Its about how you see and treat yourSELF. What’s your worth, “$5.99 or something like that”? (Nod to Jill Scott). Next time you’re feeling a little spark and at midnight the phone goes RING-RING… RING-RING… RING-RING

What you gonna do? For more info on re-building the SELF click here.