Fighting Fair

Communication is a tricky thing. Me and first (and second) husband Rico Suave NEVER used to fight. Yes, the same man, you heard me right. I thought it was remarkable even brag-worthy… until I realized that he struggled IN GENERAL with expressing himself. It only became an issue when I found myself having to translate his communication, thoughts and intentions to others. Worn out (and yet continually dissatisfied with our own communication together) I realized this was not a “we fight.” It was not myyyyy responsibility to get his communication right any more than it was to find his way thru life. Every person has a moral obligation and responsibility (first to themselves) to BE who they are and to accurately present SELF to the world. It’s a very immature space where “everything I’m feeling, or what I think which consequently leads to my action (inaction) is EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT” and not my own. I get it, most of us have been through horrific things in our lives. Both he (Rico) and I hail from overbearingly strict households that were riddled with DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. But how long can we blame what we’ve been through as an excuse to remain immature?

Here’s a question that begs to asked… ‘If a “grown” dude” hated his own father (and stepfather,) pretty much all male authority figures…. ‘Who taught him to be a man?’ ” Well, in his defense… NO ONE, no one taught him to be a man. He built a wall (of distrust, hostility and PRIDE), that prevented him from forming healthy solid relationships and which forced him into the “School of Hard Knocks” where he learned how to SURVIVE (#bloodNguts) - but Not LIVE and love. This may be the hallmark of gang affiliation, but I’ve seen the same characteristics in people that didn’t have the benefit of a loving, caring, nurturing community to grow up in.

Life is funny, you can get on-a-roll and time just passes… but you don’t know what you don’t know until the “STICKS AND STONES (and throwing tantrums) that has always worked - no longer gets your point across. One shouldn’t have to be in a full-on Mid Life Crises, recovering from a heart-shattering break-up or in the throes of a debilitating illness to WAKE UP. The BOOK says, and it’s ALWAYS TRUE,     

“When I was a child I spoke and behaved like a child, but when I became a man, I PUT AWAY CHILDISH THINGS.”

Growing up (physically) but remaining intellectually and emotionally stunted happens … especially as the result of childhood trauma. Afterall, “Being on a roll” (you know just surviving) may very well be THE REASON one may have missed the part that expressing one’s self (in an understandable way) is their own responsibility. Momma used to say… “A closed mouth can’t get fed.” (aka People aren’t mind-readers.) This means if you want/need something… OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY SOMETHING! It’s childish to rely on “hints” or to assume that since someone “has known you forever” that they know what you’re thinking. You’ve heard how bad ASSUMMING is, it makes an ASS of U and ME. Never take for granted that your experience with someone can predict their thoughts and actions. However, if you find that you’re repeating yourself a lot …. THAT’S ENTIRELY SOMETHING ELSE. More than likely, you’re being  manipulated or on the receiving end of Passive Aggressive behavior or Narcissism. And if that’s the case it’s time for a little DAMAGE CONTROL! Get eye-2-eye confirmation that your “serial forgetter” (or confused person) actually understands what you’re saying before giving your boundaries/consequences. You see there will always always be those who you MUST TEACH HOW TO TREAT YOU.  I like to call then bulldozers because they get off on crashing through other’s boundaries and feigning ignorance. Don’t trip though and DON’T LOSE YOUR COOL and “go off.”  Just know it’s their attempt to control what they don’t have authority to.

As long as you have a clear sense of your own IDENTITY, you have AUTONOMY and the ability to live and the authority to reign through life. Stand firm, say what you mean… mean what you say and do the DANG THANG! If, however you are having problems getting a grasp on WHO YOU ARE, and WHAT YOUR PURPOSE IS… I can help, CLICK HERE.

For more information on “Right” Communication, “The School of Hard Knocks” and fighting fair, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens.

Draw the Line

We’ve been talking about communication, which is complex enough, with gender biases, and having compassion or not when you speak to others. “Letting people have it” we discovered IS NOT a good form of communication, mainly due to the fact that by the time a person gets there, they’re just ready to dump whatever has been “on their chest” and they have little patience to hear the other person’s point of view… until they’ve said what they NEED to. “Giving someone a piece of you mind” is an aggressive, in-your- face way of confronting an issue… there are better ways. And let me tell you why, someone whose been verbally abused will just shut down on you.

On the other end of the spectrum is the passive communicator - who may be timid, doesn’t want to “rock the boat” or is afraid of backlash (punishment or rejection.) The problem with passivity is that it usually leaves the communicator wishing that they said this or that (#shoulda, woulda, coulda.) Basically, they were intimidated and unable to get their point across. I used to be that way until I got tired of being trampled. Wanna know the real issue here? Passivity equals fear (people-pleasing) or is an indicator of “Broken Fence Syndrome” (problem with BOUNDARIES.) Here’s the thing about boundaries, they protect you if and only if you CREATE, SET and GUARD them. In other words, they can’t work if you set them but don’t enforce them. If whenever your boundaries are challenged you crumble… you’re gonna find yourself feeling abused and frustrated all over again.

Look at your life and determine where you need safeguards. Create boundaries (that you can keep) and “draw a line in the sand.” Make clear in your own mind “the WHY” and look for it… every Tom, Nancy and Harry to challenge them. those fence bulldozers that know as long as there are no set boundaries….. NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS (#everything’s game.) And they pride themselves on applying the right amount of pressure, persuasion, manipulation, guilt, whatever it takes to “make you crumble.” To them its a game. What they’re after is “making things go back to the way they’re used to to.” And they try to make it feeeeel like, you’re the one with “the problem.” But I’m here to tell you… IT’S TIME. It’s time to make your SELF, your desires, God-given destiny and goals PRIMARY! And the first step in right direction is being able to stand firmly on ONE POINT. Start with just one….ONE VALID, VITAL POINT: And become intimately knowledgible about IT. Know the meaning of it and how to communicate everything about it. Know what it is and what it IS NOT. Here POINT #1:

I AM WHO i am (by the Grace of God)

And THEN add to that:

POINT #2: I am worthy of the best in Life.

These two points, are cornerstones in a firm foundation which anyone could build a successful life upon. So you have TWO VITAL Life Points, set a few boundaires protect them… Draw your line in the sand… Set out your “Don’t Stand on the Grass” ssigns… and then be ready to look ANY OFFENDER/trespasser IN THE EYE (without blinking) to say, “Uh uh uh… DOHNT-EEEEEEVEN-TRRYYYYY-IT!“

Serious question though: How does one know what boundaries, rules and barriers to create to SELF-protect, if they are not sure of their own NEEDS/WANTS? That is a good question, ain’t it?! Scooch up close and let me whisper this in your ear… “The way to hold your line is to first know that you have the authority to do so.” Each of us has at least one person in our lives that we would go through the fire and storms for (or with)… you’ve got to be that way with your SELF. And to get there you’ve got to LOVE and RESPECT you. If you are not there… the ONLY WAY to get there is to spend time with yourSELF and either get to know or REDISCOVER who you are. BEcasue the bottom line is and I am sure you’ve heard it a million times… and that is IF YOU DON’T LOVE/RESPECT YOURSELF. The problem many face is that they don’t really know WHAT LOVE IS, or what it feels like. And that, my friend is a reeeeeal issue (#brokenness.)

Drawing a line, making your stance OR setting boundaries ARE ALL MUTE POINTS, if what you are attempting to protect has no value in your eyes…you have value! IF you’re having trouble believing it, lets talk.

What I want

I cringe when I hear people say “Girl, I just had to give him a piece of your mind!” Although confronting another person in this way is sometimes necessary… It should not be “the default” way to communicate one’s feelings, hopes, desires and or injury. Simply because, by the time you get here… you’ve been holding everything in and releasing (getting it off your chest, becomes the only priority. This type of communication is usually aggressive and doesn’t allow the other person “to get a word in edgewise.” And btw, effective communication IS AN EXCHANGE (#give and receive.)

Before I get to the VITAL point of knowing yourself (intimately) and being able to effectively communicate where you are (emotionally, spiritually, future goals, etc.) let’s just go here… When you finally zero in to the zone you need to be in for success and you make those goals and set boundaries, there’s always going to be someone to challenge you.  And so that’s where CONFRONTATION rears it’s (sometimes ugly) head. Handling confrontation successfully is a matter of showing up, using the right language, and maintaining composure (no matter how uncomfortable it may get.) But it doesn’t have to be is a knock-down-drag-out fight, which people often expect when there a need for confrontation. Aaaaand that why they people AVOID them, but in doing so, things only get worse. Listen, confrontation often gets a bad rap, Dictionary.com defines it this way:  

“1) Meeting of persons face to face, bringing together of ideas, themes, 2) For comparison, or 3) An open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc., 4) IN PSYCHOLOGY SETTINGS: Confrontation is a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one’s shortcomings and their possible consequences.”

I feel like if people understood the power of this kind of EXCHANGE they wouldn’t avoid it so. Avoiding only makes things worse. Confrontation is an opportunity to clarify things, establish your point and get closure. If you present your message intelligently, clearly, with strength, in a way that your listener understands - while maintaining composure… AND THEN YOU LISTEN, and give the other person space to present their ideas, there should be no reason to repeat this hard conversation! But what I often see is the result of one person holding it in, until they can’t take it anymore and then BOOM!.

My mother was good for that! When something was done that she didn’t like, instead of shutting it down immediately and going on with her life, she’d just bite her lip and tolerate it, but it was bothering her… I guess she didn’t want to make a ruckus so she let it go on and on.  While she never said a word, each time the act occurred she felt irritated and frustrated and she let it build up and up and up (#bottled up). And once her bottle was full, she’d start acting out - slamming things, sighing loudly and being grumpy (probably hoping someone would ask her what was wrong.) But when she started drinking, we all know she was at the end of her rope… and because there was no more room in the bottle… SHE WOULD EXPLODE and go clean off!!!! Sometimes she wouldn’t even make it to the drinking part… but when things got on her “last nerve”… BOOM! Yeah, that’s passive aggressive… and that’s how people act when their VOICE has been taken away. Who told her expression was equal to complaining? My question to her and everyone who uses “volcano mouth” as a form of regular expression: “WHY WAIT UNTIL YOUR LAST NERVE IS EXPOSED to confront trespassers?!” Did you know our physical bodies were not made to hold onto fear, frustration, hate, anger, jealousy, irritation - THAT IS WHERE ILLNESS COMES FROM. So, you can see just how vital it is to identify and release negativity through effective communication.

TIPS FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION

1)     Know THYSELF and get whole (fix whatever is broken or missing - spiritually/emotionally)

2)     Distinguish the difference between your NEEDS and WANTS  

3)     Set your Boundaries and clarify “YOUR WHY” (purpose of your boundaries)

Everyone should not be privy to that information. Be wary of people who press to “understand” why you’ve changed what they’re used to. In most cases it’s an attempt to MANIPULATE and get you to re-negotiate your boundary line. Let your No be NO and don’t crumble! Distraction can knock you off the path or delay you forward movement towards success. .

4)     IMPROVE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

First things first, GET YOUR EMOTIONS UNDER CONTROL BEFORE OPENING YOUR MOUTH! Being “in your feelings” can cause you to say and do things you’ll regret. Pick your battles; don’t give energy to people and situations that don’t deserve it. Learn to use the words that effectively describe who you are, where you are (emotionally/spiritually), your future goals, and your boundaries. Be honest, clear, concise and confident. Don’t let things pile up on you, handle them as they come. Learn that different people understand things in different ways and use THEIR language when communicating with them. Watch your body language, your volume and sarcasm. If you’re not careful you could “lose folks” before they can really hear what you’re trying to say. AS you know, sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it

5. INCREASE YOUR RESPONSE REPERTOIRE

No more exploding, throwing tantrums and/or yelling as your DEFAULT ways to respond in challenging times (you may need to grow up, learn to listen, take a class or get counseling.) Whatever it takes remember  THE EXCHANGE of information is the point of confrontation. It takes a lot more strength to maintain SELF control than it does to EXPLODE and tear the place down. In the movie American Gangster (Universal Pictures, 2007) Denzel Washington’s character said: “The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.” Enough said…

My final point, remember WORDS ARE POWERFUL. They can bring life, or kill; open or shut doors, manifest good or bad. So increase your vocabulary to promote understanding and remember that sometimes less words are better. Take in consideration that everyone does not communicates in the same that you, so tailor your message accordingly. And lastly watch your SELF talk. Be mindful of the things you say to yourSELF.  

For more on Right Communication, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here.

Thankfulness

No matter how many problems you have… it could always be worse.  Its coming up to the holidays, and my boss loves to make baked goods. I know I must resist but I fear I may not be able to but then I think of the ever-increasing roll around my midsection, %$#^! And then walking down the street I see someone wearing spandex, looking like a stuffed sausage and I realize: 1) why has no one told her how inappropriate that is and 2) Ehhhhh maybe I’m not that bad.

Oh don’t look at me like that… we’re all a little ncy to be judgmental from time to time. And just ignorant in regards to what that other person may going through … just maybe it’s not horrible taste or poor choices. (Where’s the fashion police when you need them.) She’s probably saying in her head, “If you don’t like what you see, don’t look at it.” But some sights can’t be unseen, even if you do scream DELETE, DELETE, DELETE! Right… moving on.  The next thing that crosses my mind is…. Aaaaand that’s why you (SELF directed) need to just say no to the holiday cookies.

Here’s the truth, no matter what finger I point at others, metaphorically or not, I must remember that there are 3 pointing back at myself. Today at … oldish, I realize I’m quite where I want to be in life (yet) BUT… THANK GOD I’M NOT the person I USED TO BE either! I have grown yes, physically, but also more importantly spiritually, intellectually & emotionally. And you know what counseling has had a big effect. Sure there may be a certain stigma attached to therapy but when you’re mouth is jacked people don’t think twice about going to the dentist. To be honest I think it’s the asking for help part. Or as some people put it, “I’m grown, I don’t need someone else telling me how to think” YA KNOW THAT’S PRIDE, right? Uh the bad kind… And you know what they say about that kind of pride… it shows up right before a BIG FALL. I’ve said this before but I think it bears repeating: TIME DOES NOT HEAL ALL WOUNDS! Leaving it alone only allows it to scab over, while the infection continues to grow. Just bump it and you will see what I mean, HELLO! puss and blood.

Counseling/therapy is the right environment for a skillful practitioner to help one get healed and whole, some things you just can’t resolve by your ONESY. Scooch up close and hear this, it’s a Monumental secret, The secret to living UNBOTHERED, of coming back to center, of supernatural favor, of REIGNING over your own life… WORSHIP. And NOOO this is NOT ABOUT GOING TO CHURCH. Worship means: To go out of your way to recognize. Religious OR NOT everyone worships one thing or another. Ever heard the saying “I worship the ground she walks on” or “I can’t get him off of my mind” or “This job has me so stressed out, its all I ever think of, guess I will work another Sunday”… anything you continuously worry about or allow to fill your thoughts, OR takes most of your focus… THAT’S WORSHIP. Humans were built for worship (thankfulness and praise) and the pipeline is relationships Did you know that worship can literally change how you feel… really, it’s the endorphins! Ya know like with exercise? Try it, and see? Take like 5 minutes and write down everything that you are thankful for… and say each one by one OUTLOUD.  But don’t just rattle OFF your items off, take your time and THINK ABOUT what each means. Don’t let anything else steal your focus… stay right there. Let yourSELF get into it and when you’re done, I promise you, you’ll feel differently.  The secret of living a balanced satisfied life - Learn to worship. The question of your lifetime is: “Who or what are you worshipping” and are the rewards you receive as a result temporal or eternal? (Yep, one is much better than the other.)

Simple Worship: BEING “thinkful” and THANKFUL.

While I walk, the sun warms my face … and I say: “Thanks God for this new day, not everyone got one. And it’s a beautiful one.  The sun is shining, there’s a breeze, and the leaves are vibrant and beautiful and I get to experience it all. Thank you for this job and paycheck that allows me to pay my bills. I have everything I need!  Life is good, I am truly blessed and I am really grateful.”

Time Bomb

Ever wish you could pick up a universal remote like Adam Sandler in Click (Sony Pictures, 2006) and just fast forward through the sucky times in your life? And I’ve had a lot of those., in fact it was most of my kids childhood. If not for their love, laughter, little personalities and hugs and kisses, I might’ve fallen off of reality altogether. I hated life because I was lonely and I was really angry with God, I’m saying this OUT LOUD because most people feel a certain kind of way when they don’t get answers to their prayers. But instead of  ADMITTING where they are they transfer their faith in God to SELF or others.

Honestly I felt like I would just EXPLODE if God didn’t come through for me. But I carried on, living because I had to… but I was in survival mode a very long time. Every Sunday I showed up to church wearing the “Churchface.” I sang, praised and served AND told everyone who asked, “I’m blessed,” smiling on the inside but crying on the inside. My tribe (Christian brothers, sisters and friends) were instrumental in pulling me out of that dark place. I couldn’t have made it without them.  

But to be desperately unfulfilled (and seemingly forgotten or ignored) is a terrible place to be… and it’s where most people are when they turn away from religion and give up on God. They say… “I’ve tried religion and prayer and they don’t work.” If you’ve been there let me ask you, “Did you have a RELATIONSHIP with God?” Or did you get caught up into the rules and Thou Shalt Nots of organized RELIGION? Did you hear about this dude who did miracles and walked on water or did you actually meet Him for yourself? Ah, now that’s something different, isn’t it? You see when you have a relationship with people you must spend time, talk, and share experiences (aka you get to know them.) You see, that’s what the Christian (Christ follower) lifestyle is all about… not RELIGION (a system of rules and conducts one must follow to be righteous “in good” with God. So prayer is basically communication with God, not to the universe or “whoever is listening.” Its an intentional, focused, and directed conversation. And a conversation involves at least 2 people, an exchange - giving AND receiving - talking AND LISTENING.

Imagine your best friend coming up to you, balling their eyes out as they beg for your help and as soon as they say what they must, they turn around and walk away before you could respond. That would be a little weird right? Well that’s exactly how lots of people pray. It’s all about them … I have to say it, God is not a celestrial Santa Claus, He’s a good & loving father who wants to be connected to His children. And like any good father does, He wants the best for His kids. So that means He ain’t gonna give you EVERYTHING you ask for when and how you want it, especially if it would hurt you or someone else. And that never made sense to me until my own prayer of marrying my man dissolved. But you see only God knew that he would never hold down a steady job, or that he would become chronically irresponsible and a meth addict.

The hardest part about prayers is the waiting.  God answers prayers in 3 different ways, “Yes,” “Wait,” or I have BETTER.”  That means some answers come quickly but most times… answers are suuuuuuuper slowwwwww.  It’s because we are not ready to receive what we’re asking for, even tho we think we are. Waiting and waiting with no satisfaction does make the heart sick. We become frustrated, angry and then bitter.  But our habit of doing all the talking we eventually wonder if there is anyone on the other end. AND in our failure to listen we misconstrue the “wait” or “I’ve got better” for a “NO.” And that place right there opens the door to receive messages like “No body’s coming” and “God ain’t real.” By the way, they didn’t come from God! Are you trackin’ wit me or did I go to deep for ya?

So if you pray, 1) Know who you’re praying to. To get God’s attention you have to believe in Him, 2) Get you a relationship with Him, 3) Then have a 2-way conversation #speak/listen, 3) Be willing to wait on your answer, 4) Trust that God cannot lie and He will come through and 5) Be thankful before your answer comes. And walk as if you already have what you’ve asked for.

Girl POWER

If the Girl Scouts motto is “Girls can do anything” it must be true! It is my personal belief that God created man as a reflection of Himself, but then so that Man would not be alone, He created still in His own image … an upgrade, known as WOMB-man aka woman, EVE. To Adam God gave A JOB, and the power of stamina, reasoning, and problem-solving, to complete it, aka MASCULINE ENERGY. And then gave him the physical capacity and authority to get ‘er done! (That’s so sexy). But to Eve (which by the way means, to breathe, to live, and to give life) he gave FEMININE ENERGY.

Neither Masculine nor Feminine Energy, are assigned to a particular gender, they are both sides of who God is. Masculine energy is protective, incredibly focused, linear thinking, creates solutions and is very pragmatic, and logical. Masculine energy is good at setting up structures, creating lines, and coloring within them. Whereas Feminine energy is creative, expressive, nurturing, good at cleaning out/purging, and is amazing with multitasking. But she has another special power and that is her WOMB. “MOVIE FLASH” ever seen “Harlem Nights” (Paramount Pictures, 1989) with Eddie Murphy, Redd Fox, Richard Pryor, Arcenio Hall, and Della Reese? There was a prostitute whose yoni was said to be better than “Sunshine” (paraphrase). You’ll have to watch it to know what that’s all about… Uhhh I don’t have to explain what a “yoni” is, right? … (bugged eyes, pursed lips, head tilt) A woman’s yoni is said to be the gateway of life, but also a portal to heavenly dimensions. Originally created to be a sacred, mystical place of healing, the garden of one’s life mate. Lately, though she’s more seems treated more like a ballpark than the sanctuary she was designed to be. Way too many bats in the cage, bases been run so many times ya can’t find home plate anymore. But… I digress. She’s more subject to “wham-bam thank you ma’am” situations thing than true intimacy. She’s the bountiful and divine banquet that has been reduced down to a “snack basket.”  

Women CEO’s pretty much have to “grow a pair” to “Boss-up” and gain the respect of men in order to lead them. I have mad respect for CEOs like Roz Brewer, Thasunda Brown Duckett, Michell Gass (Fortune.com) or Sami Wunder (also a blogger) who have obviously changed the world by balancing both masculine and feminine energy – and creating a more equitable workspace for all. Now that’s GIRL POWER IN ACTION (the feminine edge.)

From GIRL to WOMAN   

I told my son, “Having a penis no more makes you a man than living in a garage makes you a car.” That means stop playing around and get your life together. Either you are or you’re not. If you’re going to be a man (woman/grown-up) be a good one. Women, walk the walk of a ROYALTY be a Queen, get your “STRUT” on. Anybody can look the part, but who are you really? Nationally-published best-selling author, speaker, Master Life Coach (and my good friend) Debrena Jackson Gandy says be a “Juicy Woman,” which she defines this way:

“A Juicy Woman is committed to having a full spirit, clear mind, open heart, well body, and wisely manages her energy as part of her daily reality. The Sacred Self-Caring Consciousness is a NEW paradigm based in higher-dimension beliefs about her Self, God, her body as a divine living temple, feminine power, and abundance that create an experience of deeper joy, peace, ease, self-expression, freedom and FLOW-ductivity in her mind, body, spirit, relationships and life.”

So how does one move from being what I call “IN HER GIRL” to becoming a “Woman.” The Book says, “When I was a child, I acted like a child but when I became grown (a woman) I put away childish things.” Coming out of “your girl” means you no longer use the old tools immature women do to get what you need. You throw away manipulation, tantrums, or ghosting people when you don’t get what you want. Stop running into situations blindly using emotions or feelings as your guide. And STOP using “womanese” (language only women understand) to communicate with men. We are so hard on “babymen”, but we tend not to do self-assessments… If you are grown, it’s time to move out of “your girl” into Womanhood and take the world by storm! I realize if you’ve come from a long line of “Independent” women, (The I don’t need a man group) where you MUST BE both bread-winner and nurturer to survive, you may have to deal with some issues and LEARN to soften and come away from the instinctive “Boss-up” energy so that you can have successful dating relationships. Just know time doesn’t always heal ALL WOUNDS, there is no shame in getting help. Get closure so that you can move forward for real.

For “Juicy Woman” Coaching, let me introduce you to my friend Debrena Jackson Gandy.  For more information on Communication (and womanese) get a copy of 4SELF101 here (its not just for Teens.)

The Power of Accountability

Last week we talked about the Power of the Strut. Yes, strutting as in “strutting your stuff.” In my mind’s eye I see the glamorous, and divine Naomi Campbell who serves up the essence of the “flawless walk,” mesmerizing both crowd and critic doing what she does in a way no one else can.  Your “gait” (or style of walking) gets you from point A to point B, but the true testament of your who you are for real is displayed by your WALK.  When I refer to your WALK, I’m speaking of your overall conduct… the way you “walk out your life,” which is molded and formed by your Core Values. WALKing denotes, traveling, getting down the road, having somewhere to go, as in “running a race.” The Book says, “Run in such a way that you finish.” Besides the fact that other people (your kids, family, etc.) are watching, one should strive to not only finish, but to finish well.  How do you want people to remember you when you’re gone? I’m sure not a hot mess… lol.

Uhhhh I’m gonna just assume that you do have Core Values (if not I can help you with that later.) Core values are a list of what’s most important to you. They shape your thoughts, intentions, goals and actions. Core Values rank right up there with boundaries, purpose, and freedom of choice. Track with me for a moment: Imagine that you had an out of body experience and your spirit floated so high that you could see your life from beginning to end. I bet you would discover what you “woulda, coulda, shoulda” change, as do most people that come to the end of their lives. Working backward from that point imagine your “best life” and choose your Core Values well.  From time to time recheck them and toss out the Core Values that no longer fit… like the ones we adopt due to trauma and hurt. That have us relentlessly chasing things that seemed important at the time but from the 1000 foot view turn out to be a waste (#monkies).

Because we cannot live entirely alone to ourselves, we need community, family… our tribe, and healthy relationships. Relationships require responsibility, as do all things.  And with responsibility you will find a level of ACCOUNTABILITY. “Accountability” has it’s good and bad points. For those who struggle with authority figures, responsibility/accountability situations, and being (made) accountable … “accountability” in general, Accountability is like a cuss word. The whole idea of it is too much like, “having to explain or justify themselves” AND “getting in trouble” or “being criticized” for doing wrong. This is a form of brokenness that comes from betrayal or abandonment of an original authority figure. For SELF- protection they are always on edge, and suspicious of all other Authority Figures or relationships that require something from them. Accountability can also be rough on leaders. Especially when who they are (their IDENTITY) is tied to what they do. Nice people can turn into control freaks and tyrants trying to protect their ministry, the business they created, even their personhood. Its like getting lost going to a party, but you have too much pride to ask anyone (especially your date/wife sitting next to you) for directions. I’M DRIVING, I GOT THIS!!! (There’s nothing worse than a backseat driver. Lol.) 

Except, accountability is there to HELP YOU!!! Accountability helps you stay straight and on the right track. If your IDENTITY is intact, and strong… you know who you are and what you are called to do, NO ONE CAN take away what’s yours, period. The point is, who are you without that thing?  If you live for the praise, accolades, money and/or power the position gives you, and you’re not sure who you’d be without them? Then you need to step back, really assess things and  separate your BEing from your DOing. Why, because chances are you’ve made that thing into an idol… a god, which you focus all your time, and energy into - so that it will feed your need. (Been there, done that.) The worst thing about that is, you lose yourself and the people that love you suffer for it.  

So, the power of accountability is: 1) The support of others to redirect and correct you, if necessary, makes you stronger (and keeps you from looking crazy.) 2) Being aware and responsible keeps you on your game, 3) It keeps you grounded, and safe from undue scrutiny and conflict, 4) Helps you know where you are and how to communicate that and 5) Helps you perfect your STRUT! (See previous blog)

For more info on Core Values, Accountability, Accountability Partners, Dealing with Monkies get your copy of 4SELF101 (its not just for teens) or CLICK HERE.