Valentines Alone

What do you do on February 13th, the night before Valentine's Day and it’s cold and you find yourself alone again? Lying in the bed, looking up at the ceiling you realize, whelp… it’s going to be another lonely Valentine’s Day.

First of all, this is the OPTIMUM time to “love on” yourSELF! Nobody knows what floats your boat like you do. What makes you giggle under your breath, what songs make you dance (like nobody’s looking), what smells take you back to the best parts of your childhood. If you are alone, you don’t have to have that stabbing pang … just think about those people who you really loves you. And acknowledge it (out loud if you have to) YOU ARE LOVED!

I spent so many years hating life because I didn’t have anyone (a mate) to share it with. I was waiting until I had “someone” to do things with and so I lonely and bored. (The real tragedy was that I had my loving kids around me, but that wasn’t enough,hhhhhhhh, smh.) I didn’t always agree with my Momma, but she said, “If you want things done right, do it yourself.” And in this case, that is really good advice. But… and here’s an important key, don’t be resentful and close off your heart, because you never know who you might meet, or what opportunities may bump into you. If you believe no one is coming, you’re right. If you don’t love your life, you have the power to change it. Being “in the moment” makes my heart blaze. I don’t mean just showing up, I saying BE (be fully alive!) Be inquisitive, be joyous and smile, be light-footed, have big eyes, and use all your senses to experience the moment. I mean after all, not everyone woke up this morning. And by the way, tomorrow is not promised.

You want someone to rub your feet, get a pedicure. Want a massage, go to “Massage Envy” or some other little spa. Wanna feel loved call your Mom, or bestie, or Aunt, or Grandmother to talk, or even better go visit them and get a big. Or take a trip. Don’t just sit at home depressed. DO SOMETHING. Not having the money is a real excuse… I know, but you get a tax return. Instead of buying that new television or car plan in advance to give yourSELF the queen/king treatment on Valentines Day. If you don’t have an intimate mate, love on yourSELF - get a toy. Ooops, did I say that? I sure did. It’s better than going to a club and having a one-night stand or giving it up to someone who doesn’t really want you. Love yourSELF, cater to yourSELF, spoil yourSELF and ENJOY YOUR LIFE (don’t wait.) If after that and you’re still aren’t happy - PRAY AND ASK GOD TO GIVE YOU JOY. Joy is different from “happy” because happy depends on what’s happening. Joy is a god-spark that bubbles up on the inside… and no one can take it from you.

Get somewhere and look around. You will quickly realize someone is always worse off than you. And then be thankful for the good things in your life. If you are “a believer” believe and speak into existence what’s not now as though it already was. If you stick with God then even the what seems bad is working for your good. And the promise is - beyond the darkness a sunrise is coming. Just keep living. If no has ever told you… there is a gift of love, an eternal, unconditional, forever burning, love available to you. God IS loves and he has the hots for you! He served of His Son’s life in exchange for yours… even when you weren’t on His trip, hoping that you would except His gift (gifts) and live a HappyLife with Himself. Now people sacrafice for other’s all the time, but then they EXPECT this or that. They don’t give you a choice, but God does. Whether you Take it or Leave it, it doesn’t diminish Who He is. Feeling unloved… try God. I love all the blessings He showers us with, air, sunlight, rain - even things I feel like I got on my own… my job, home, car. He set it all up and let me take credit. Let’s not talk about the new supply of grace and mercies that comes everyday… I’m telling you, that’s real LOVE! And this love is the source of that kinda bubbling up joy that stays with you, to Valentines Day and beyond. Its a forever kinda thing.

So, uhhhh, the world can keep their “Lover’s” day … I’m so good right now and you can be too  (#single #strong and happy #LOVED)!!!!  If you’re in a space that you can’t get out of, CLICK HERE, I’m the best coach for that.

Swipe Right

Online dating drives me NUTS!!! You want to be kinky, debased, or just want to “hook up” you can find practically anything online.  But if you’re a nice girl or an average guy, who just wants to be meet someone with whom they are compatible to have fun, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. They say it’s all about the numbers, baby…  But it’s like being a used car on a car lot.  If you have enough of the features people are looking for it’s a SWIPE RIGHT but if you are too tall, or too fat, or too old, or too grey, not blond enough, you get SWIPED LEFT. If you struggle with low-self-esteem just be ready for rejection, games, ghosting, etc.

So, a huge part of it is “slot-filling.”  What I mean by this is when people are just tired of being lonely so they connect with the one who ticks off most items on their “must have” list.  And there seems to be a lot of people that “pick this one “for the meantime” just so they can stop feeling lonely and then they drop ‘em and move on when they find something “better,” often times without letting the previous person know.  That sucks! What would the dating landscape look like if people took their time and actually considered other folk’s feelings while playing the game.  But some people are actually out here seriously looking, searching, and hoping to find something real and lasting.

Another issue is “PREFERENCES” aka The List. I’m hard on people when it comes to putting preferences above character and connection because the truth is…. I get offended when you are looking at my breasts instead of hearing what I have to say.   Quality people don’t get play if they have lumpy butts, a mid-section or cellulite. Well and that’s why women are obsesses with Spanx, waist trainers, eyelashes, and weaves.  Now in the defense of shallow people everywhere I have to say… I used to be guilty of “sticking to my type.  And I had a lonnnnnnnng list if must haves (78 items) and then I GREW UP (took my head out of my … you know what) and realized … this freakin’ person DOES NOT EXIST! If you are a Christian, you have no business at all judging people by their outward appearance…. NONE! Sure, you should have an attraction for your life mate, but if  outwardness is more important than inward quality (their spirit, intellect, motivations, calling, etc.) - Your priorities are jacked, and your situation will be too. Another thing if you’re looking for mating but not thinking about investing your life… That’s a real problem. That right there… will lead somewhere you don’t want to go and keep you for longer than you want to be there.  Don’t you get tired of unraveling out of bad situations?  If you do the same ole things and refuse to change… I don’t want to hear your mouth. And stop praying because God can’t even work with a hard heart (ya saw what happened to Pharaoh.)

So how do you make yourself open to more possibilities?

1.        Admit where you are having issues and fix ‘em (stop making excuses.) If you’re scared of connecting… you’re not ready to date

2.       Don’t take it all too seriously (you will go through a lot of frogs before reaching a prince.)

3.       Spend time with your SELF, and make up you mind what you really want

4.       Get an “Accountability Partner” someone who can tell you your Sh%# is stinkin’ if necessary and who will walk with and help keep you straight.  

5.       Strive to be open and honest with people you meet

6.      Come out of the box you’ve created for yourself and push beyond “your preferences.”

7.       Don’t jump at it because it glitters; everything that glitters ain’t gold. Make good choices

8.      Be in the moment, connect… not everyone you meet is meant to date

9.      Strive to know a person BEFORE you have sex with them (unless you want NSA and are honest and upfront about it.)

Have fun with dating.  Feeling obsessed, pull back & fix your head before getting back out there.

Love Me Long Time

Sooooo, Valentine’s Day 2021 was like last Sunday and lately it’s just been an annoyance…. I guess I’m not into the commercialism of it or of Christmas. For me it’s all about the feeling… of experiencing romance and intimacy, well and actually of being in love - to know you are loved.  I have never been into the “faking the funk” or wearing masks.  Either you is or you ain’t, there’s no almost or sortas.

I’ve heard people say, “If you have never been hurt by “love” you haven’t really lived.” Ehhhh you see, I feel like the person who came up with that rosy euphemism didn’t really understand the nature of Love.  Love ain’t like getting high and stubbing your tie. The truth of the matter is LOVE, real love never hurts… it’s hurting (and broken) people that hurt other people. We flawed humans have a hard time actually receiving and processing REAL Love.  Love is a DIVINE and pure gift manifested through fleshly hearts, self-less actions… and it’s nearly impossible to pass on something one does not have or has ever experienced.  People are often self-serving and tend to do what makes them happy until it no longer does.  And lately, what’s this thing of getting into a one thing for the meantime until something better comes along?  Some people change boyfriend/girlfriends like they change socks. I digress… lets move on.

Real Love is a DIVINE and Supernatural gift. To understand it you gotta go deeper than your feelings.  Saint Paul was divinely inspired when he described love as:  

1.        Love never stops loving

2.       Love is large and incredibly patient

3.       Love is gentle and kind

4.       Is not jealous or puffed up

5.       Does not shame or disrespect others

6.      Love does not seek its own honor

7.       Love celebrates honesty and doesn’t love what is wrong

8.      Love is a safe place of shelter

9.      Love never stops believing the best for others

10.   Love NEVER FAILS

Now, now I hear you… who can do all that? And my answer to you, one flawed individual to another… is NO BODY CAN LOVE THAT WAY. In fact, I think we should just stop using the word LOVE altogether until we HOOK UP TO THE SOURCE. Honestly, you have to have LOVE LIVING inside of you. I’m not just talking about being inspired… You have to submit to love, be subject to it, be vulnerable and be obedient to it (correction: to HIM). Love is a Spirit, He’s Real, He talks, He instructs, He corrects, and He directs. Without a relationship to LOVE, love cannot be figured out.  Love is something we (every human being) needs.  It’s part of the foundation built from the loving interactions between parent and their child.  This is particularly important between the ages of birth to _____.  And it’s vital that a child gets what they need at this developmental stage… if not it becomes a DEFICIENCY NEED. And that vacuum never stops sucking. This child goes from one relationship to the next looking, looking, looking for love (one that will last.)

Clearly, so many of us trying to love (in a fleshly way) did not receive the proper LOVING foundation.  And so, as adults we are left to figure out what we missed.  It seems to be a common problem… How to fix those cracks, holes, the vacuum for love in  our SOULS so that we can LOVE RIGHT…

These sources can help:

Book: Soul Care: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

Website: Love is Respect

I See You

Remember that moment in the movie Avatar (20th Century Fox, 2009) when Nav’i princess Neytiri looked deep into the eyes of her human lover Jake Sully’s eyes and said, “I see you”? I usually find a line or two in every movie that frames it…. and that line simple but yet quite profound - did it for me. How many of us just want to be seen, but beyond that,  we want to be understood, cherished… valued? I think that’s everybody, according to Maslow’s (1943) Hierarchy of Needs.

Several years ago I took a class called Thrive. It focused on relationships and how the brain develops, or lack thereof, during the early developmental stages.  It might surprise you to learn how our behavior, desires and needs continue to roll on and even drive us to possess what we didn’t receive during our formative years.  On a personal level, I always “low-key” felt that the inability for people to show affection or make commitments was some type of disorder. Aaaaaaand I was right. Don’t get me wrong… the inability to maintain healthy relationships is a real thing many people struggle through (including myself, which is why I took the class in the first place).  Because this thing is multifaceted the roots run deep and spread out into many, many directions.   

The article “Understanding Adult Attachment Disorders” writer Nicola Davies, PhD lays it out so clearly.  She describes Attachment Disorders as “lacking the ability to connect with other individuals and form meaningful relationships.” She further mentions and I paraphrase, “For over 70 years Psychologists confirm that the ability to form healthy emotional relationships as adults is directly related to the child/caregiver relationship.” What this means, is if a parent neglected to connect emotionally (and physically) to their infant or child during the vital development years that literally  affects the brain’s growth in that area.  

WHY the disorder is developed:   

·      A child is constantly left to console itself (cry itself to sleep)

·      Child is ignored when they fall and hurt themselves

·      Parent seems annoyed when their child calls their name or wants to spend time

·      Very little to no Parent/child connecting, conversations, learning moments, affection, intimate moments.

There are other reasons why.  But the point is, in the absence of vitally needed interactions a child must depend on SELF.  They develop ways to sooth and comfort their own emotions and over time the child establishes an “I don’t need anybody” mentality. They crave a relationship but lack the ability to be attached or depend on others.  One might say, he/she is overly exposed but underdeveloped emotionally.  

Sure, not every parent is touchy feely, or comfortable with showing affection (it’s hard to give what you never received).  But this brokenness, will trickle into next generation and the next and the next, unless it is corrected.

Here is a simple fix: When you come across someone you care for… Look them in the eyes (with happy eyes), give them a REAL hug (not the pat, pat, pat, type) and let them know you are genuinely happy to see them.  What that does for you (and the other person) is this, according to the book:  The Life Model (James G. Friesen, et al, 2000) when we see each other and my happy-to-see-you eyes meet your happy-to-see-me eyes an energy is exchanged.  That energy activates the part of our brain and produces serotonin, which in turn gives you an exhilaration and feeds your soul.  They say, ‘The eyes are the door to the soul.” Each time you lovingly connect souls in this way, you heal the brain.  Try it and see how goooood it feels to be “seen”! 

Hey Reader (yes you)… I see you… and I am filled with joy, Thank you!