Its Me not You

Have you ever liked someone and thought it was all going good until things started tapering off? I hate that, especially when you’re being consistent and giving it all you’ve got. Honestly, it can do a real number on your self-esteem if you are not as strong in your inner-being (SELF) as you thought. Even when you’re strong in your IDENTITY there are times… times when you may feel the universe is depriving you of the things you desire most. Seems like the more basic those things are, the worse you feel… “well what’s wrong with me?”

Let’s be real, sometimes relationships suck! And they suck most when you’ve committed your whole heart, soul, and time, and have invested your hopes and dreams and then… the other person starts trippin.’ I realize every 20 (30+) year marriage has fought through and survived this type of challenge. What is a “Covenant Commitment” anymore, I think they are fading. Now I’m an “always got one bag packed” kinda gal. And yep it’s a defense mechanism that I’ve formed from connecting with far too many emotionally unavailable people (thanx Dad.) This thing has fostered an “If anyone is gonna be shivering and cold (physically and emotionally stripped) due to the dying out of a once blazing fire…” It ain’t gonna be me. In fact, people are amazed at how quickly I move on. Lol, and I have to say this is a dysfunction that seems to serve me well. But, wisdom has taught me to use a method when I meet someone that has potential, called EQUAL ENERGY. It’s another way of saying, match your energy to someone else’s. After all, actions do speak louder than words. Being incredibly careful and reserved, helps you spot predators on the prowl, panty-robbers, guys looking to augment their harem, and those who love the IDEA of relationships but really aren’t able/ ready for one. And when you have boundaries… some people reallllly go to lengths to coax you off of them. This is why you HAVE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE (and if you’re a believer, Whose you are) AND where you’re going. This queen right here has chosen not to “go that extra mile” until our “ENERGY LEVEL” is balanced (100 to 100). You pull back, so will I. But if you push to go too fast, faster than what’s natural for the zone we’re in… you gonna get slowed down. And if that’s a problem… next.

Face it, some things we want don’t really fit. And not everyone who shows attention to you is dating material. You’ve got to be especially careful when you’re lonely and feeling thirsty. Sometimes a compliment is just that and should be left with ONLY a smile and a thank you. Most times it's the universe’s way of saying “I see you, and you’re looking good.”

At the end of the day, can you look in the mirror and say, God has my best in mind, and He is not withholding it from me? Remembering that when I wasn’t even on His trip, He sent His Son to take lashes and die in my place. THAT’S what gives me VALUE… The King of Kings traded His own life for mine?!!! Mmmmm SMH. So now faith and trust are mine through which I can sober-mindedly determine who is worthy to receive my gifts. For me, it’s God (in all His Glory) that is MOST worthy to receive my unconditional, brakes off, reckless ever-burning love because He has never left or forsaken me. He answers EVERY TIME I called (even at midnight or 3:00 am) He always SHOWS UP for me. He wipes every tear, straightens my spine when I’m bent over, and heals my all wounds (emotional, physical, spiritual). You might say… well he’s perfect, after all… He is God. Yes, it’s supernatural and we can never expect man to be perfect. But men, showing up and being honest (from the beginning) is a great start, the best! Don’t get me wrong, delaying PHYSICAL gratification, is sooo hard, but lowing your standards just to have someone will create more issues than it will solve (#SELF-Esteem) issues.

Esteem yourself as being worthy of the best, know it, repeat it and pamper yourself - that’s SELF-care.

The hardest thing I have ever said aloud is (and I’m not entirely sure that I’ve reached the pinnacle that makes the following statement 100% true, but…) If I never have another whirl-wind long-term romance, I can be satisfied knowing that I am loved right now at the highest level. Cherish and live for the love of people you know love and cherish you. And if that love doesn’t SATISFY you, you’ve gotta ask yourself why. And that place is a good place to fix any cracks. In the meantime Never let anyone else determine your value or worth. … Step up your SELF-care (SELF-Love) thing until you know within yourSELF that you’re better than gold. So, the next time someone says, “It’s not you it’s me” you can say under your breath… “Damn right!” After all that… Never lose hope: Good honest people do still exist, just stay open and be ready to receive those gifts as they come.

If you struggle just know as always, I got some help for you, For Life Coaching, a listening ear or Prayer… CLICK HERE.

Get your copy of 4SELF101 here. It’s not just for Teens.

Inner Child 3: #Relationship Goals

In my book 4 SELF 101, Chapter 11: SELF-Care, we focus on “MiMi’s Story”, which is about a girl and her problematic dating life.  How many of you have heard “Do as I say, Not as I do”? Why do parents even go there? Don’t they know it’s the very nature of a child to gather data and put it into practice? That’s their very nature. So, guess where they gather their data? Duhhhhhh…

MiMi like many others, just wants to be loved and to have a good relationship that lasts. But her role models happen to be good women with bad dating (marrying) habits. All she’s ever seen are TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, so that’s her NORM. My story is very similar… lets visit my INNER CHILD and you’ll see what I mean.

Lil Anji: “My Mom and Dad, the most “handsomest” man in the world, were divorced when I was 4. I missed him sooo much that I used to cry at night “I want my daddy.” But I never saw him again for a long long time unless he was in one of my Honey-suckle tree daydreams. (see the previous blogpost Home Haunted Home.) One day my Mom remarried my “Pop” Bill and everything was good UNTIL… the “Saturday Nite Fights” started. Moses and me, clung together while dishes broke, and bodies hit the wall… it used to shake the entire tiny-house. To stop Baby Bruh from screaming and crying we used to sing songs under the covers.” (I was about 6 when I made a SELF-fulfilling promise that wreaked havoc in my future relationships…) “I’m never getting married, it takes you through too many changes.”

The mis-education of Lil Anji only included Mom (who was married & divorced 3 times), our neighbors the Browns, The Thompsons (like “Father Knows Best”) Uncle Al (married & divorced SIX times) and Grandma. When I went over Gram’s house, where I’d go to get away from the madness, BTW was also apparently haunted (#Poltergeist)... I’d notice “huh, no grandpa.” (I never new my Mom’s Dad.) But what I did see was how Gram owned her own home, a nice car, shopped at only the most expensive department stores (like Dillard and the former JC Pennys). She wore only the best leather shoes and owned diamonds and furs… and all this on a 3rd grade education! She was the Matriarch, her legacy set the expectation and standard of “Female Independence, Class and Strength.” Following in her footsteps became my very own CORE VALUE. But how many of you know your greatest strength can turn out to be you’re greatest weakness? INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN just is... She is queen, conquerer, regal… yes worthy of admiration. BUT! The Mindset…. can be toxic to loving partnerships because she’s ruling PERIODT. I’mma set that right there (and leave it alone) for a later time…. because that’s a whole nuther’ discussion.

Now with that said, I love being an Independent Black Woman, and I have worked hard at it, but it’s taken a lot of SELF work to get the right balance. So let me boil this down for you right quick. Lil Anji was (and still is) a daddy’s girl who experienced REJECTION and ABANDONMENT. She mainly experienced only TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS growing up (marriages that never lasted.) She made an INNER VOW to never get married. And her top CORE VALUE was to maintain her crown of being an INDEPENDENT BLACK QUEEN. And I am telling all that came with a lot of MONKIES and GENERATIONAL STUFF that present day me has had to fight through, dissect, and be healed of - in order to find the HAPPYLIFE.

One huge thing was figuring out what I really wanted. I had a bad case of double-mindedness (Wanting but not wanting at the same time (#RELATIONSHIP STALL). I realized the only way to change my circumstances was to 1) Understand what happened back there, 2) UNLEARN unhealthy mindsets, and 3) Change the way I do things. (Remember the definition of INSANITY.) Rethinking thing, fixing what is broken, using positive confessions and redirecting your energy … IS VITAL! But like SELF Development, it’s a work in progress. I encourage you to follow my footsteps and visit your INNER CHILD (once again) to look at your relationships and you will see where many of your today-issues came from. Its a starting place to address your MONKIES and become whole. For you can only experience true happiness from a place of WHOLENESS.

In all seriousness, dealing with generational issues, curses and habits (the sins of the fathers/mothers) is a spiritual journey. Find a Christian Counselor that has experience with deliverance and inner healing. And if you need help getting started, as always, I got you - CLICK HERE.

For more information on MONKIES, MiMi’s Story and overcoming TOXIC dating behavior, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens… it’s also for the TEEN in you.

Next Blog I’mma tell you about Paul who I fell in love with at 3 years old.