Aaand you are?

Have you ever had anyone ask you… “Who are you… really?” Not to say that you wear a mask or hide behind a personality (or several)… orrrr you might but the deeper point is, what is the state of your identity.  It’s the knowing who we are part that determines what the SELF Esteem does.

Back in the day, I once knew this fiiiine older man, a 6-foot tall, brown skinned Trinidadian.  When he spoke, SPLOOSH.  Though I kept mine contained I could see the women all around swooning as he talked.  You should’ve seen their husbands, lol… how many times did I want to say, “Green doesn’t look good on you.”  So, when Frank made a comment about my nose ring… “Guhl, why wouldya do that to ya face?” He proceeded to say that his wife wears no make-up and is naturally beautiful.  I thought “Yeah… so, what’s your point?” “If I had met you before I met her, I wouldn’t have even taken a 2nd look at you.  To do something so drastic must mean you have low self-esteem.” (#oldschool). Although I wanted to argue with him about the low self-esteem thing… I was stuck for real when he asked me “Who are you really?”  Number one, he caught me off-guard and secondly I was going through a really tough time in my life. And I hated, hated, hated being single, a single parent raising 3 children.    

I wonder if he would’ve backed down if I told him “I am a child of the Most High God.” But what does that really mean?  I know now, but then was I tired of being rejected and alone (#noBae). The person that I was seeing at the time was separated but not divorced, which was frowned upon in my circles. Eventually he told me “I can’t be your god” as he was breaking up with me.  And I thought “What the f^%$ does that mean?” In short he was saying… I can’t be everything that you need, it’s too much.  Was I smothering him? Did I need him near me every minute of the day?  IDK, but I always believed this was his poisonous female friend twisting what she saw because she herself wanted him? Either way, this all lead me on a journey to discover who I was in truth… and why I was sucking the life out of my guy.

Listen, we have talked about the “vacuum need” thing in previous posts (see Featured Posts).  This type of brokenness drives a person to suck, and suck and suck from their environment to fill in missing pieces of their psyche. And they often do outrageous things to “make themselves feeeel better” like partying a lot, tattoos and piercings… Quite simply they go outside of themselves to get what can only be found on the inside.  Physical things can not satisfy spiritual needs. (#Looking for love in all the wrong places). So in a sense, The Guy was right. You can’t plug a man into the “God-shaped” void and think you are going to be satisfied… “man” is only human. And just one of the benefits of actually knowing God is He will tell you about, show you - the real you. But you can’t shove off all the responsibility and work onto God.  You have to do the SELF-work of discovering/re-discovering your SELF. The Pproblem is many of us have just DONE life to the point that we haven’t actually taken time for SELF.  We give everything to everyone else and starve our own souls, almost to the point of death.  Look at yourself in the mirror and say… “To know me is to love me.” Know, your own SELF and fall in  love with you.  You’ve heard it a thousand times, whose gonna love you if you don’t love your SELF? And it rings true… you CAN NOT love anyone else UNTIL you love your own SELF.

Who am I? What’s your answer? Are you more than what we see? Why? What is your worth based on? What are your God-given gifts and talents?  What’s your purpose… everyone has them. Aaaand what are you DOING with them?  Don’t feel bad if you don’t have the answers right at this moment. This is my little push for BE “all in” this SELF DEVELOPMENT journey. Step #1) Answer the door to your heart,  God is knocking, and boy does He have some STUFF to tell you!

Need help answering the questions, I got you, CLICK HERE.

The Benefits of Wearing a Mask

There is too much controversy over whether we should wear masks or not during “this Pandemic.” You hear arguments that are in favor of wearing a mask in confined indoor spaces to protect from “airborne pathogens” and then there are several others that say the masks either don’t work or that they negatively impact respiratory systems.

To  be quite honest, the invent of COVID isn’t the first occurrence where people depend on wearing masks. Folks have been doing that for years. Yeah, you know where I’m going. SELF-development, SELF-esteem, SELF-Confidence… do you know the difference between character and personality? Character is the morality, traits, convictions of the inner-person and personality is what the individual wants the world to see (outward-ness) aka- The Mask.

I recently finished “Will” (Penguin Press, 2021) by Will Smith. And I realize sometimes you don’t really know if someone is presenting their genuine self or whether they are serving up “a representative,” what they think you need to accept them. The crazy thing is they don’t always KNOW that’s what they’re doing until you challenge them. The persona is usually a carefully crafted suit one puts together piece by piece until they are covered right. Who would think, Will Smith’s comedic flow/timing/genius were crafted for his protection? He said, and I paraphrase, “If people were laughing someone is not getting hurt.”

When I think of actors who live for applause, I realize that they aren’t much different from “PEOPLE PLEASERS” except they get paid … well the truth of the matter is, they both get paid. Actors get paid with a check and people pleasers get an intellectual/emotional pay-off. People often “dress it up” “be on their best behavior” serve up the “Representative” in order to “seal the deal” and then when everybody is comfortable, out comes the genuine article. Scooch up close and let me whisper to that person a little sum-sum…THAT’S LYING!!!

And the reason it’s usually NOT OK, when the truth comes out is because nobody likes being deceived. People who fall in love with the mask, are like “he/she changed!.”  No, uh no they didn’t. This is just the REAL PERSON, who finally felt secure enough to take off their covering.  If you’ve ever fallen sucker to the “bait and switch” just know, EVERYBODY is broken in one way or another.  They’re stuff is no worse than your stuff… unless they’re just out there slaying folks on purpose.

I used to be a people pleaser. I needed people that I liked to like me back, and I absolutely needed people to understand where I was coming from… I was overly “nice” and super sensitive, always trying to dodge “fussing and fighting” and the pain of rejection. But once I undertook counseling and self-development I came to understand, value and trust mySELF.  And that gave me the confidence to tell people: I am who I am (by the grace of God) and I don’t NEED you (or anyone) to like me because I like me. And if they have an issue with me … (#pinky finger). In all honesty, if they don’t support you, pay your bills, pr powder your bum… you could probably live without them, though you may not want to… you could make it.

There is a benefit of wearing this type of mask, though. It allows you to hide the REAL you and also delay the inevitable. In other words, the benefits are temporary and fleeting, because once the person that was deceived finds out the truth, the door opens to the very thing you tried to avoid in the beginning. And who’s to say it won’t devastate you more than the original pain. Nine times out of ten you will find yourself starting all over again. Why even go there? It’s a waste of time and energy for what a TEMPORARY FIX? Cut it out! You knowwww you’ve got issues, admit it and get some help! Did you like being hurt? Wearing a mask does a disservice to yourself and to others. Nobody likes a fake, disingenuous, deceitful person. You can start today, fix whatever is broken, take one step at a time, and I promise you, things will be aaaaa-ight  (#alright) Besides there is no “Ahhhhh” like the one you get while living FULLY ALIVE in all your glory! We need to experience REAL you, as unique, quirky, odd, quiet, nerdy, corny, slow, fast as you are!

For more information on People Please get your copy of 4SELF 101 HERE, it’s not just for teens.

Fighting Fair

Communication is a tricky thing. Me and first (and second) husband Rico Suave NEVER used to fight. Yes, the same man, you heard me right. I thought it was remarkable even brag-worthy… until I realized that he struggled IN GENERAL with expressing himself. It only became an issue when I found myself having to translate his communication, thoughts and intentions to others. Worn out (and yet continually dissatisfied with our own communication together) I realized this was not a “we fight.” It was not myyyyy responsibility to get his communication right any more than it was to find his way thru life. Every person has a moral obligation and responsibility (first to themselves) to BE who they are and to accurately present SELF to the world. It’s a very immature space where “everything I’m feeling, or what I think which consequently leads to my action (inaction) is EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT” and not my own. I get it, most of us have been through horrific things in our lives. Both he (Rico) and I hail from overbearingly strict households that were riddled with DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. But how long can we blame what we’ve been through as an excuse to remain immature?

Here’s a question that begs to asked… ‘If a “grown” dude” hated his own father (and stepfather,) pretty much all male authority figures…. ‘Who taught him to be a man?’ ” Well, in his defense… NO ONE, no one taught him to be a man. He built a wall (of distrust, hostility and PRIDE), that prevented him from forming healthy solid relationships and which forced him into the “School of Hard Knocks” where he learned how to SURVIVE (#bloodNguts) - but Not LIVE and love. This may be the hallmark of gang affiliation, but I’ve seen the same characteristics in people that didn’t have the benefit of a loving, caring, nurturing community to grow up in.

Life is funny, you can get on-a-roll and time just passes… but you don’t know what you don’t know until the “STICKS AND STONES (and throwing tantrums) that has always worked - no longer gets your point across. One shouldn’t have to be in a full-on Mid Life Crises, recovering from a heart-shattering break-up or in the throes of a debilitating illness to WAKE UP. The BOOK says, and it’s ALWAYS TRUE,     

“When I was a child I spoke and behaved like a child, but when I became a man, I PUT AWAY CHILDISH THINGS.”

Growing up (physically) but remaining intellectually and emotionally stunted happens … especially as the result of childhood trauma. Afterall, “Being on a roll” (you know just surviving) may very well be THE REASON one may have missed the part that expressing one’s self (in an understandable way) is their own responsibility. Momma used to say… “A closed mouth can’t get fed.” (aka People aren’t mind-readers.) This means if you want/need something… OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY SOMETHING! It’s childish to rely on “hints” or to assume that since someone “has known you forever” that they know what you’re thinking. You’ve heard how bad ASSUMMING is, it makes an ASS of U and ME. Never take for granted that your experience with someone can predict their thoughts and actions. However, if you find that you’re repeating yourself a lot …. THAT’S ENTIRELY SOMETHING ELSE. More than likely, you’re being  manipulated or on the receiving end of Passive Aggressive behavior or Narcissism. And if that’s the case it’s time for a little DAMAGE CONTROL! Get eye-2-eye confirmation that your “serial forgetter” (or confused person) actually understands what you’re saying before giving your boundaries/consequences. You see there will always always be those who you MUST TEACH HOW TO TREAT YOU.  I like to call then bulldozers because they get off on crashing through other’s boundaries and feigning ignorance. Don’t trip though and DON’T LOSE YOUR COOL and “go off.”  Just know it’s their attempt to control what they don’t have authority to.

As long as you have a clear sense of your own IDENTITY, you have AUTONOMY and the ability to live and the authority to reign through life. Stand firm, say what you mean… mean what you say and do the DANG THANG! If, however you are having problems getting a grasp on WHO YOU ARE, and WHAT YOUR PURPOSE IS… I can help, CLICK HERE.

For more information on “Right” Communication, “The School of Hard Knocks” and fighting fair, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens.

BEING

The clock is striking 12, and Cinderella’s dream is fading into a mist. And think we all have a little bit of “Ella” in each of us. There’s that fantasy vision of who we want to be and then there’s that person we see when we look into the mirror. How many of us can literally say, I am totally happy with who I am? I often say as a response to people’s “How are you?”… “I am soooo good, if I were any better there would be two of me.”

I’ve been at this SELF Development thing for many years and ya know what? I have still not “arrived” - let that be a lesson to everyone who thinks by buying a “DO BETTER” course and following a formula will get you to where you want to be. ITS A JOURNEY, one that takes a lifetime but which starts with a made up mind and one step, and another and another. (That’s mine, quote me if you like.) But only elements of what I’ve done right (and wrong) can be tiny pieces of what it takes to get you where you need to be and visa versa. Its crazy when you look at it… remember your parent (or teacher) saying “DO AS I SAY?” It took a certain level of faith and certainly trust to follow those directions and believe that everything would turn out right. And some of us “overly inquisitive” rebellious or hardheaded folks fought directions from authority figures because… we didn’t want to be told what to do. Whatever that meant for the individually, I can certainly say… there is most certainly a seat in the School of Hard Knocks with their name on it. As my elders used to say:

“A hard head makes a soft behind.” Which means if you are being called (by God, the Universe… or your destiny or whatever) to go down a certain path “for your making” you can either go willing or you can get beat every step down the path (if you choose) but one way or another …. YOU’RE GOING. The point is: We all have freedom of choice and guess what … The responsibility (and privilege) is that you get to choose. Just know, sometimes NOT CHOOSING is a choice. If that is your stance, what you get has nothing to do with LUCK but it will certainly out of your hands to control. So I’m saying it’s much better to CHOOSE one thing or the other if for no other reason you can track and tweak the result (and find what works best for you.)

Anyway… self development is an INTENTIONAL endeavor. For what I offer (4SELF) you get out what you put in #tailor-made experience. But the first decision you must make is that you are worth it.

I guess for the majority of my life, I have been so much better at DOING than being. The weirdest thing as I’ve been relentless in accomplishing the many visions I have had over the years to improve the community, families and/or individuals… I found out from try to discover SELF that my IDENTITY was based on what I did (and the accolades I received from “knocking it out of the park”) rather than who I am as a person. The problem there is, once your assignment is completed… you still don’t know who you are. In fact you feel less “important” or worthy because there is no more applause or recognition. I want you to ask yourself: “Who am I outside and apart from what I do?” And if you are like I was when asked, unable to give an intelligent answer… in fact I just stood there and cried… you’ve got some intentional SELF work to do. You may not be there per se… if you don’t know what your purpose is, or you have teens struggling with IDENTITY, they all do, or you’re coming out of a long term or toxic relationship… hitting a mid-life crises or even bout to graduate from high school - YOU’VE GOT TO … Know Thy SELF to get to the next stage.

Let me say it again, EVERYBODY NEEDS SELF DEVELOPMENT.

And a great place to start is getting 4SELF 101 and if you need a little Gre8tLife Coaching, CLICK here.

Four Seasons

Well it’s officially Christmas Season, the time of Peace and Joy. And you know I’m big on Joy. Speaking of SEASONS, I’ve lived in California most of my adult life and there’s mainly just one, hot. I’ve become a weather wimp, I can do 118 like champ, but I’m crying and complaining when it drops below 40 here in GA. But what I love about Georgia is you get to experience all four of the seasons. Autumn is a reprieve, the explosive yellows, oranges and red colored leaves are sort of a reward for surviving the sticky (yucky) humidity filled summer.

I can say, no matter where I am in the world, spring is my favorite. Just a couple of posts ago I talked about the difference between dancing, or getting caught in the rain, which we know washes away the old dried stuff, waters seeds, brings new life and the beautiful flowers we all enjoy. And life is beautiful, at least it was meant to be that way. Even bears come out of hibernation… because the sun seems to be just right.

One thing we know, it takes for seasons (winter, spring, summer and fall) to make a complete a cycle. Life is like that, it has four seasons. Life starts in Spring (the birds and the bees)! Like spring chicks we receive nourishment, education and stimulation to growing. Summer comes, its hot and the frenzy of movement compels us to leave the nest and fly. Its time to build our own lives, get that career, home, start and raise a family and plant seeds for the future. You know… do life. With Autumn comes the second half of the life cycle. We’re cruising now, the kids are about to be grown, retirement is on the radar and what was hot is now cooling off. Old fruit begins to dry and whither away. And finally winter comes. We all know it would. As long as there’s seed time and harvest, the seasons come and go. Time keeps on-a-ticking. For each of us just like in nature the sun rises at birth and surely one day it will set. As they say, two things are for sure: DEATH AND TAXES.

Writer and philosopher Zaid K Dahhaj in his article “Why Understanding the Seasons of Life Will Ease Your Suffering” (2018) says, and I paraphrase:

“In Spring and Summer we celebrate youth, vitality and aliveness. But an endless summer is unnatural. Who you become, the people you nurture and the work you do in the summertime of your life all contribute to the making of your harvest, or your legacy. In the fall of your life, you reap what you sow.”

But you cannot have the next season until you let go of the previous one. Holding onto something that is dying or the past will only stunt your growth and delay your future. Seasons are meant to have a start and finish… so that life can progress organically. This is seen more than we’d like to admit with jobs and relationships. Yeah it’s been fun, but in your “knower” its apparent there’s no future there. And you know one day it’s gonna be time to move on. Year 1 and 2 is great, no kinks, no issues or nothing but half way through year 3, things begin to change. It could be a number of things and “you’re done” or all of a sudden you wake up feeling differently… Yep that should be the beginning of the end, except you keep telling yourself “No responsibility is fun, tho.” But the whisper “Its time to go” continues to nag until the signs, flags, and issues start popping up everywhere (that’s the universe giving you a hint.) To be honest with yourself, you knew this day would come. Have courage to do what you must. Because one thing is for sure, you cannot progress to your next season by holding onto a dying one or to the past. The longer you hold onto a thing, the worse the situation becomes… Its better to release by choice than it is to be forced to let go. Control what you can … and don’t fret the rest. If it didn’t work out, it probably was for you. Or, it was only to be in your life for A CERTAIN SEASON… A season is not meant to last a lifetime.

A HappyLife is made from experiencing, getting the most out of each season. The goal is end your cycle with no regrets (get your closure before moving to the next level). KNOW THYSELF, so you can trust your own intuition. (When you don’t know, pray.) And if you need a little help, as always…

I got you! CLICK HERE

Thankful Hands

Okay, I want to share something very, very intense, and personal with you. I was unwanted… at first. Did you know that unborn babies experience their mother’s feelings while they are in their womb? And those feelings can stay with them through their lifetimes? I never knew the full story until I was an adult. My parents married young, probably right after graduation. Dad went into the military and Mom was the “stay at home wifey.” I don’t know when the drama started or who started cheating first but by the time, I was three, Mom was “fleeing for her life,” my sisters were living with my Aunt and the ink was drying on the divorce papers.

The short version is: Cross daughter #3, Wanda, was a sick baby. Despite the wheezing, coughing, and etc., my Mom neglected to get her to the doctor, I don’t know why she waited so long. But on the way up the elevator to the doctor’s office Wanda stopped breathing. When the doors finally opened the nurses snatched Baby from Lenora’s arms to revive her, but to no avail. And where was Dad? IDK. Thank God his brother Ken, who I call “Uncle Daddy” was there for moral support. That must’ve been the last straw. This was the day she must’ve decided to never have any other kids with “that man.” But little did she know that there was already a bun in the oven… me.

I wouldn’t say that I am afraid of heights, but whenever I stood at the top of the stairs, I would always see myself tumbling down them. That was so weird and it bothered me to the point that I did what I do when I am between a rock and a hard place with no where to to… and that is (you guessed it) pray. But really it’s deeper that that. I rondevous with my Divine Father, the source of like EVERYTHING, especially wisdom. Not that I have to qualify that, but I’ve lived without my earthly father all my life and someone led me to a passage in The Book that says, “… God will be a father to the fatherless.” And I gave it a try, and let me tell you, He is literally the BESTEST FATHER ever. So I go to Daddy (God), I talk, I cry, ccomplain and even sometimes cuss… but then a sense of warmth and comfort blankets me like a warm shower and then … I listen. Once I learned what His voice sounded like there has never been a void of meaningful conversation between, He and I.

And He said to me: “When your mother threw herself down the stairs to abort you, I held you together.” HIS HANDS HELD ME TOGETHER. Wow, even now it takes my breath away. Imma let that set right there for a second…. It’s kinda interesting that He’s also given me the gift of healing. Now don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t work without Him. Its His healing virtue that flows through my hands when He ordains it. Understand this, EVERYONE HAS GIFTS, so I am not saying in any way that I am more special than anyone else. But I am saying, He held me and I have the awesome privilege (for which I am very grateful) to hold others. Hugging my children and grands (and adopted kids) give me life. When people are “going through” stuff they sometimes don’t need words - and divine wisdom helps you decern whether a person needs a hug or just to be emotionally held. When people are uncomfortable with physical contact, I just give them my undivided attention. Listening with care can do wonders.

Hugs can heal. Hands can help do work. Holding someone’s hand can strengthen them, Holding attention fosters respect and also affirms. And because hands can harm, one must be especially responsible when they offer “a hand” or experience consequences (and reprocussions) for not. So, I “High-five” (or fist bump) you  for trackin’ wit me. I appreciate you; I hold you up spiritually and if you need an emotional hand… I got your back! Need help, CLICK HERE.

Oh, I forgot, to end the story. Near the end of her life my mother told me that she used to purposely fall down the basement stairs while pregnant with me. (I already knew.) The strong hands of God held me together in my Mom’s womb (Thank you Father) … and when I was born on Thanksgiving Day, she looked me in the face and called me Angel.  

Inner Child 4: Puppy Love

Ok, let me tell you about the man I met at 4, lol, back then he was the boy next door. He had the cutest milky yellow face with “good hair” that was brushed down and parted on the side.  Mom and Dad’s divorced brought us to my grandmas and that and that’s where I met Paul. One of 5 super fine boys, the son of a sometimes very harsh Military man and a beautiful light-skinned (mulatto I think) “Fathers Knows Best” housewife.  She wore a French bun and crisp white apron.  I can’t image the strength (and control) it took to keep 5 boys in line while dad was away.  

One day while sitting in Gram’s yard Paul came bouncing over, in his clean little shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes… looking like a JC Penny’s advertisement model. We’d sit and play (with trucks, cars, or marbles… or whatever) for hours until his mother called him in to make the “red Kool-Aid” for dinner. And afterwards he would return with red-dyed fingertips.  Over the next year and a half, we became inseparable, until my Mom remarried, and we moved to “the county.”  But whenever I came to Gram’s I needed to see him (or Vicki my bestie across the street.) And then one day… like bam! the Military snatched  his family away to California, Essex Place was never the same again. Man! I was crushed. Unexpectedly, about 3 years later, Gram received a letter for me from San Diego, it was Paul. And that started a 4 year long-distance love affair lived out through 6 to7 page letters. We did everything together, travel, sports, hobbies, and dream… and we eventually began to plan our future, complete with a picket fence and 3 kids.    

Aww shucks and then my family relocated to Cali and all I could think of was seeing Paul again. When the invite came to spend the day (and night) at the Landers’ house I was ecstatic… but a little weirded out (who does that?). I saw Paul waiting outside as we pulled up, as soon as the car stopped rolling I jumped out and we ran into each other’s arms,  It was like a movie, lol. We made ourselves scarce and spent the entire day just catching up and kissing. At bedtime I retreated to his room and he to the couch downstairs. Everything was very innocent. Laying in his bed our letters came to life… I was in his world now.  The ceiling was like a night sky filled with stars and glowing planes hanging from stings. I was felt closer to him then ever, and as I drifted off to sleep feeling warm, safe... and loved.

BUT IN THE MORNING… the Mothers summonsed us to the kitchen for a little chat. Thinking that was odd, holding hands we shrugged it off and entered the room. Mrs. Landers began by saying, “At first I thought this was Puppy-love but now that I see you together, I realize it’s  much more than that.” (I wonder if she knew that we had our future together already planned out?) “I don’t know if I can have this… He’s my baby boy and he has plans to become an Aeronautical Engineer like his father.” And my mother just nodded. I can’t remember the sequence now but afterward we ran off to spend the last remaining hours together before I had to leave. In the following weeks the letters began to trickle in, and I just  knew something was wrong.  And then he called: “It’s not you, it’s me …” he said, and my world came crashing down. I cried for weeks. And then I remembered the intervention and his mother words, “I don’t think I can have this…” After a brief depression I fell in love with Kip McGee. But the gaping hole remained …

It wasn’t until 15 years later that Paul, and I met and had a very vulnerable talk. He listened very patiently, I forgave him and received closure that day. But my secret hopes crashed and burned when his mom invited another girl to the same holiday dinner, he invited me to. He always denied his mom’s involvement in the demise of our relationship… but I felt like this was proof. So, we both went on with our lives. He DID become a rocket scientist, and later married a beautiful German girl and had 3 kids. They’re teenagers today… mine are grown (chuckle chuckle.)

Revisiting Lil Anji (and the PUPPY LOVE situation) I learned… 1) Sometimes God doesn’t answer your prayers the way you want Him to but there is always a good reason why. 2) Perfection is sometimes only skin deep. I thought having 2 parents was better than the life I had. But when I saw how mean/harsh Poppa Landers was to Paul and how controlling his Momma was… I realized every family has dysfunction (but even with brokenness, ya don’t have to treat people like crap!) AND 3) You’ll never be “good enough” for some people no matter how hard you try. Don’t take on their “monkies.” And don’t let their opinions shape who you are. God’s love compels me (each of us) to address our own “monkies,” to FORGIVE, RELEASE and move on. (I AM who i am by the grace of God!)

In closing let me say this about Paul, I am so very proud of him and I am very happy that he’s happy (#friendsforever).

Hey if you are struggling to get over your past and/or first love, I can help you, CLICK HERE For more on “monkies” and how to get rid of them get 4SELF 101 here (Its not just for teens.)