In my book 4 SELF 101, Chapter 11: SELF-Care, we focus on “MiMi’s Story”, which is about a girl and her problematic dating life. How many of you have heard “Do as I say, Not as I do”? Why do parents even go there? Don’t they know it’s the very nature of a child to gather data and put it into practice? That’s their very nature. So, guess where they gather their data? Duhhhhhh…
MiMi like many others, just wants to be loved and to have a good relationship that lasts. But her role models happen to be good women with bad dating (marrying) habits. All she’s ever seen are TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, so that’s her NORM. My story is very similar… lets visit my INNER CHILD and you’ll see what I mean.
Lil Anji: “My Mom and Dad, the most “handsomest” man in the world, were divorced when I was 4. I missed him sooo much that I used to cry at night “I want my daddy.” But I never saw him again for a long long time unless he was in one of my Honey-suckle tree daydreams. (see the previous blogpost Home Haunted Home.) One day my Mom remarried my “Pop” Bill and everything was good UNTIL… the “Saturday Nite Fights” started. Moses and me, clung together while dishes broke, and bodies hit the wall… it used to shake the entire tiny-house. To stop Baby Bruh from screaming and crying we used to sing songs under the covers.” (I was about 6 when I made a SELF-fulfilling promise that wreaked havoc in my future relationships…) “I’m never getting married, it takes you through too many changes.”
The mis-education of Lil Anji only included Mom (who was married & divorced 3 times), our neighbors the Browns, The Thompsons (like “Father Knows Best”) Uncle Al (married & divorced SIX times) and Grandma. When I went over Gram’s house, where I’d go to get away from the madness, BTW was also apparently haunted (#Poltergeist)... I’d notice “huh, no grandpa.” (I never new my Mom’s Dad.) But what I did see was how Gram owned her own home, a nice car, shopped at only the most expensive department stores (like Dillard and the former JC Pennys). She wore only the best leather shoes and owned diamonds and furs… and all this on a 3rd grade education! She was the Matriarch, her legacy set the expectation and standard of “Female Independence, Class and Strength.” Following in her footsteps became my very own CORE VALUE. But how many of you know your greatest strength can turn out to be you’re greatest weakness? INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN just is... She is queen, conquerer, regal… yes worthy of admiration. BUT! The Mindset…. can be toxic to loving partnerships because she’s ruling PERIODT. I’mma set that right there (and leave it alone) for a later time…. because that’s a whole nuther’ discussion.
Now with that said, I love being an Independent Black Woman, and I have worked hard at it, but it’s taken a lot of SELF work to get the right balance. So let me boil this down for you right quick. Lil Anji was (and still is) a daddy’s girl who experienced REJECTION and ABANDONMENT. She mainly experienced only TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS growing up (marriages that never lasted.) She made an INNER VOW to never get married. And her top CORE VALUE was to maintain her crown of being an INDEPENDENT BLACK QUEEN. And I am telling all that came with a lot of MONKIES and GENERATIONAL STUFF that present day me has had to fight through, dissect, and be healed of - in order to find the HAPPYLIFE.
One huge thing was figuring out what I really wanted. I had a bad case of double-mindedness (Wanting but not wanting at the same time (#RELATIONSHIP STALL). I realized the only way to change my circumstances was to 1) Understand what happened back there, 2) UNLEARN unhealthy mindsets, and 3) Change the way I do things. (Remember the definition of INSANITY.) Rethinking thing, fixing what is broken, using positive confessions and redirecting your energy … IS VITAL! But like SELF Development, it’s a work in progress. I encourage you to follow my footsteps and visit your INNER CHILD (once again) to look at your relationships and you will see where many of your today-issues came from. Its a starting place to address your MONKIES and become whole. For you can only experience true happiness from a place of WHOLENESS.
In all seriousness, dealing with generational issues, curses and habits (the sins of the fathers/mothers) is a spiritual journey. Find a Christian Counselor that has experience with deliverance and inner healing. And if you need help getting started, as always, I got you - CLICK HERE.
For more information on MONKIES, MiMi’s Story and overcoming TOXIC dating behavior, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens… it’s also for the TEEN in you.
Next Blog I’mma tell you about Paul who I fell in love with at 3 years old.