Its Me not You

Have you ever liked someone and thought it was all going good until things started tapering off? I hate that, especially when you’re being consistent and giving it all you’ve got. Honestly, it can do a real number on your self-esteem if you are not as strong in your inner-being (SELF) as you thought. Even when you’re strong in your IDENTITY there are times… times when you may feel the universe is depriving you of the things you desire most. Seems like the more basic those things are, the worse you feel… “well what’s wrong with me?”

Let’s be real, sometimes relationships suck! And they suck most when you’ve committed your whole heart, soul, and time, and have invested your hopes and dreams and then… the other person starts trippin.’ I realize every 20 (30+) year marriage has fought through and survived this type of challenge. What is a “Covenant Commitment” anymore, I think they are fading. Now I’m an “always got one bag packed” kinda gal. And yep it’s a defense mechanism that I’ve formed from connecting with far too many emotionally unavailable people (thanx Dad.) This thing has fostered an “If anyone is gonna be shivering and cold (physically and emotionally stripped) due to the dying out of a once blazing fire…” It ain’t gonna be me. In fact, people are amazed at how quickly I move on. Lol, and I have to say this is a dysfunction that seems to serve me well. But, wisdom has taught me to use a method when I meet someone that has potential, called EQUAL ENERGY. It’s another way of saying, match your energy to someone else’s. After all, actions do speak louder than words. Being incredibly careful and reserved, helps you spot predators on the prowl, panty-robbers, guys looking to augment their harem, and those who love the IDEA of relationships but really aren’t able/ ready for one. And when you have boundaries… some people reallllly go to lengths to coax you off of them. This is why you HAVE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE (and if you’re a believer, Whose you are) AND where you’re going. This queen right here has chosen not to “go that extra mile” until our “ENERGY LEVEL” is balanced (100 to 100). You pull back, so will I. But if you push to go too fast, faster than what’s natural for the zone we’re in… you gonna get slowed down. And if that’s a problem… next.

Face it, some things we want don’t really fit. And not everyone who shows attention to you is dating material. You’ve got to be especially careful when you’re lonely and feeling thirsty. Sometimes a compliment is just that and should be left with ONLY a smile and a thank you. Most times it's the universe’s way of saying “I see you, and you’re looking good.”

At the end of the day, can you look in the mirror and say, God has my best in mind, and He is not withholding it from me? Remembering that when I wasn’t even on His trip, He sent His Son to take lashes and die in my place. THAT’S what gives me VALUE… The King of Kings traded His own life for mine?!!! Mmmmm SMH. So now faith and trust are mine through which I can sober-mindedly determine who is worthy to receive my gifts. For me, it’s God (in all His Glory) that is MOST worthy to receive my unconditional, brakes off, reckless ever-burning love because He has never left or forsaken me. He answers EVERY TIME I called (even at midnight or 3:00 am) He always SHOWS UP for me. He wipes every tear, straightens my spine when I’m bent over, and heals my all wounds (emotional, physical, spiritual). You might say… well he’s perfect, after all… He is God. Yes, it’s supernatural and we can never expect man to be perfect. But men, showing up and being honest (from the beginning) is a great start, the best! Don’t get me wrong, delaying PHYSICAL gratification, is sooo hard, but lowing your standards just to have someone will create more issues than it will solve (#SELF-Esteem) issues.

Esteem yourself as being worthy of the best, know it, repeat it and pamper yourself - that’s SELF-care.

The hardest thing I have ever said aloud is (and I’m not entirely sure that I’ve reached the pinnacle that makes the following statement 100% true, but…) If I never have another whirl-wind long-term romance, I can be satisfied knowing that I am loved right now at the highest level. Cherish and live for the love of people you know love and cherish you. And if that love doesn’t SATISFY you, you’ve gotta ask yourself why. And that place is a good place to fix any cracks. In the meantime Never let anyone else determine your value or worth. … Step up your SELF-care (SELF-Love) thing until you know within yourSELF that you’re better than gold. So, the next time someone says, “It’s not you it’s me” you can say under your breath… “Damn right!” After all that… Never lose hope: Good honest people do still exist, just stay open and be ready to receive those gifts as they come.

If you struggle just know as always, I got some help for you, For Life Coaching, a listening ear or Prayer… CLICK HERE.

Get your copy of 4SELF101 here. It’s not just for Teens.

BEING

The clock is striking 12, and Cinderella’s dream is fading into a mist. And think we all have a little bit of “Ella” in each of us. There’s that fantasy vision of who we want to be and then there’s that person we see when we look into the mirror. How many of us can literally say, I am totally happy with who I am? I often say as a response to people’s “How are you?”… “I am soooo good, if I were any better there would be two of me.”

I’ve been at this SELF Development thing for many years and ya know what? I have still not “arrived” - let that be a lesson to everyone who thinks by buying a “DO BETTER” course and following a formula will get you to where you want to be. ITS A JOURNEY, one that takes a lifetime but which starts with a made up mind and one step, and another and another. (That’s mine, quote me if you like.) But only elements of what I’ve done right (and wrong) can be tiny pieces of what it takes to get you where you need to be and visa versa. Its crazy when you look at it… remember your parent (or teacher) saying “DO AS I SAY?” It took a certain level of faith and certainly trust to follow those directions and believe that everything would turn out right. And some of us “overly inquisitive” rebellious or hardheaded folks fought directions from authority figures because… we didn’t want to be told what to do. Whatever that meant for the individually, I can certainly say… there is most certainly a seat in the School of Hard Knocks with their name on it. As my elders used to say:

“A hard head makes a soft behind.” Which means if you are being called (by God, the Universe… or your destiny or whatever) to go down a certain path “for your making” you can either go willing or you can get beat every step down the path (if you choose) but one way or another …. YOU’RE GOING. The point is: We all have freedom of choice and guess what … The responsibility (and privilege) is that you get to choose. Just know, sometimes NOT CHOOSING is a choice. If that is your stance, what you get has nothing to do with LUCK but it will certainly out of your hands to control. So I’m saying it’s much better to CHOOSE one thing or the other if for no other reason you can track and tweak the result (and find what works best for you.)

Anyway… self development is an INTENTIONAL endeavor. For what I offer (4SELF) you get out what you put in #tailor-made experience. But the first decision you must make is that you are worth it.

I guess for the majority of my life, I have been so much better at DOING than being. The weirdest thing as I’ve been relentless in accomplishing the many visions I have had over the years to improve the community, families and/or individuals… I found out from try to discover SELF that my IDENTITY was based on what I did (and the accolades I received from “knocking it out of the park”) rather than who I am as a person. The problem there is, once your assignment is completed… you still don’t know who you are. In fact you feel less “important” or worthy because there is no more applause or recognition. I want you to ask yourself: “Who am I outside and apart from what I do?” And if you are like I was when asked, unable to give an intelligent answer… in fact I just stood there and cried… you’ve got some intentional SELF work to do. You may not be there per se… if you don’t know what your purpose is, or you have teens struggling with IDENTITY, they all do, or you’re coming out of a long term or toxic relationship… hitting a mid-life crises or even bout to graduate from high school - YOU’VE GOT TO … Know Thy SELF to get to the next stage.

Let me say it again, EVERYBODY NEEDS SELF DEVELOPMENT.

And a great place to start is getting 4SELF 101 and if you need a little Gre8tLife Coaching, CLICK here.

Shattered and Unworthy

So, we’re on this Self-Development journey together you and me… and I want to get naked (up close and personal) figuratively speaking, lol. I wanna share part of my story.  (Someday I would love to hear yours too.) I love getting compliments.  It makes me giggle when people tell me I’m pretty. But the truth is, I’ve got good genes.  My mother was a beautiful queen, classy, sassy, and fierce! AND she had a great personality.  Dad was “one of those Cross boys” … I’m pretty sure that meant “fine and popular with the ladies.”  He came from, I was told, a long line of “Rolling Stones”, men who were mostly married but had a tendency to wander.   

Whoever said “Girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their fathers” was spot on, even if they don’t know it. I’m shaking my head even now as I admit through tighly clinched lips, My Dad “is my type”… minus the “God’s-gift-to-Women” / emotionally unavailable part.

When I was “FLAWLESS” from the time I was 16 to about 24, I loved hearing “damn guhl you fine!” Playing it off with a crooked little smile, I didn’t realize it was feeding something deep inside me. Pschhh, I never have a problem with SELF-Esteem, until I got married and shortly after, pregnant. “Suave,” my young husband, was not unlike my father in that he was light-skinned, had a melt-worthy smile, tight bod, and charismatic personality.  An ex-gang banger and formerly abused kid, he was “Overly exposed but underdeveloped” emotionally. Had I taken seriously his offensive but entirely honest statement “I can’t be with a fat girl” I would’ve got the hell out of dodge immediately! But instead, I put on 60 pounds and true to his word he stopped coming home at night.  As a result, his mom put me out at 8 months pregnant. The residual feelings of rejection and abandonment left from my relationship with my father re-ignited and almost took me out. To top it off, people in our community kept reporting Sauvé’s way-wandering activities, including, according to one dude, ”seeing Rico on every street corner ‘macking it up’ to finer girls than you.” How’s dude gonna tell on Rico and hit on me at the same time…SMH. I can tell you that my SELF-Esteem life was on E (empty) and the light was flashing, flashing, flashing!!

Although my skin glowed, eyes sparkled and my hair was long, thick, and shiny, I couldn’t stand to see myself in the mirror.  I was literally almost twice the woman I had ever been, and I waddled when I walked. I was too much and yet, “not enough” to keep my marriage together and my husband happy. I was angry, hurt and so broken. But then one day God brought Ms. Teal, a lovely, feminine, godly woman, into my life, who restored my SOUL and loved me back to wholeness. Self-esteem, she taught me, was the result of knowing who (and Who’s) you are.  Eventually I realized, it’s not what Rico or anyone else thinks of me… ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT I (YOU) BELIEVE. Uh that’s why it’s called SELF-Esteem. You have to know for yourSELF that you are special, lovely, valuable and worth receiving the best in life (and in love.) I now can look myself in the mirror and say … “Guhl, you fine!” (and mean it.)

Struggling with SELF-Esteem often comes from:

1)      Deficiency Needs; not receiving the benefits of a healthy parent/child relationship

2)     Toxic Relationships and Abuse (Physical and Verbal)

3)     Lack of Identity

4)     Lack of Purpose

HOW TO FIX LOW SELF ESTEEM

ReachOut.com has a great article: “10 tips for improving your self-esteem” in it they say: 1) Be nice to yourself, 2) Do you, 3) Exercise, 4) Be the best version of you, 5) Nobody’s perfect/everyone makes mistakes, 6) Change what you can, 7) Do what makes you happy, 8) Celebrate the small stuff,  9)Be a pal, 10) Surround yourself with a supportive squad.

Good Read: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

For More information on Self Esteem check out my book: 4Self101

Need help on your Soul Restoration journey, I got you, CLICK HERE