Inner Child 3: #Relationship Goals

In my book 4 SELF 101, Chapter 11: SELF-Care, we focus on “MiMi’s Story”, which is about a girl and her problematic dating life.  How many of you have heard “Do as I say, Not as I do”? Why do parents even go there? Don’t they know it’s the very nature of a child to gather data and put it into practice? That’s their very nature. So, guess where they gather their data? Duhhhhhh…

MiMi like many others, just wants to be loved and to have a good relationship that lasts. But her role models happen to be good women with bad dating (marrying) habits. All she’s ever seen are TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, so that’s her NORM. My story is very similar… lets visit my INNER CHILD and you’ll see what I mean.

Lil Anji: “My Mom and Dad, the most “handsomest” man in the world, were divorced when I was 4. I missed him sooo much that I used to cry at night “I want my daddy.” But I never saw him again for a long long time unless he was in one of my Honey-suckle tree daydreams. (see the previous blogpost Home Haunted Home.) One day my Mom remarried my “Pop” Bill and everything was good UNTIL… the “Saturday Nite Fights” started. Moses and me, clung together while dishes broke, and bodies hit the wall… it used to shake the entire tiny-house. To stop Baby Bruh from screaming and crying we used to sing songs under the covers.” (I was about 6 when I made a SELF-fulfilling promise that wreaked havoc in my future relationships…) “I’m never getting married, it takes you through too many changes.”

The mis-education of Lil Anji only included Mom (who was married & divorced 3 times), our neighbors the Browns, The Thompsons (like “Father Knows Best”) Uncle Al (married & divorced SIX times) and Grandma. When I went over Gram’s house, where I’d go to get away from the madness, BTW was also apparently haunted (#Poltergeist)... I’d notice “huh, no grandpa.” (I never new my Mom’s Dad.) But what I did see was how Gram owned her own home, a nice car, shopped at only the most expensive department stores (like Dillard and the former JC Pennys). She wore only the best leather shoes and owned diamonds and furs… and all this on a 3rd grade education! She was the Matriarch, her legacy set the expectation and standard of “Female Independence, Class and Strength.” Following in her footsteps became my very own CORE VALUE. But how many of you know your greatest strength can turn out to be you’re greatest weakness? INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN just is... She is queen, conquerer, regal… yes worthy of admiration. BUT! The Mindset…. can be toxic to loving partnerships because she’s ruling PERIODT. I’mma set that right there (and leave it alone) for a later time…. because that’s a whole nuther’ discussion.

Now with that said, I love being an Independent Black Woman, and I have worked hard at it, but it’s taken a lot of SELF work to get the right balance. So let me boil this down for you right quick. Lil Anji was (and still is) a daddy’s girl who experienced REJECTION and ABANDONMENT. She mainly experienced only TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS growing up (marriages that never lasted.) She made an INNER VOW to never get married. And her top CORE VALUE was to maintain her crown of being an INDEPENDENT BLACK QUEEN. And I am telling all that came with a lot of MONKIES and GENERATIONAL STUFF that present day me has had to fight through, dissect, and be healed of - in order to find the HAPPYLIFE.

One huge thing was figuring out what I really wanted. I had a bad case of double-mindedness (Wanting but not wanting at the same time (#RELATIONSHIP STALL). I realized the only way to change my circumstances was to 1) Understand what happened back there, 2) UNLEARN unhealthy mindsets, and 3) Change the way I do things. (Remember the definition of INSANITY.) Rethinking thing, fixing what is broken, using positive confessions and redirecting your energy … IS VITAL! But like SELF Development, it’s a work in progress. I encourage you to follow my footsteps and visit your INNER CHILD (once again) to look at your relationships and you will see where many of your today-issues came from. Its a starting place to address your MONKIES and become whole. For you can only experience true happiness from a place of WHOLENESS.

In all seriousness, dealing with generational issues, curses and habits (the sins of the fathers/mothers) is a spiritual journey. Find a Christian Counselor that has experience with deliverance and inner healing. And if you need help getting started, as always, I got you - CLICK HERE.

For more information on MONKIES, MiMi’s Story and overcoming TOXIC dating behavior, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens… it’s also for the TEEN in you.

Next Blog I’mma tell you about Paul who I fell in love with at 3 years old.

Take a Moment

So, life comes, and it comes, and it doesn’t stop.  One perspective is that that is a good thing, the alternative is to not wake up… But stress, my God, is stressful and draining!  I’m here to tell you, raising kids as a single parent with little to no help is the ultimate definition of stressful. And for all of you in that position… hats off! Roseanne Barr said to (tv hubby) John Goodman in her sitcom yeeeeeears ago… “If your kids are still alive when you get home… I’ve done my job.” How hard is it  not to be a toxic parent when you were raised by one toxic parent or both? If this is your deal and you end up parenting strictly by instinct… you will also exhibit those toxic characteristics.  One must be intentional NOT TO BE what they grew up with.

I lived in “survival mode” for most of my children’s childhood.  Barely hanging on meant living by instinct… and now that I think of it, ironically, I behaved just like the mother that I didn’t want to be like… minus the alcoholism.  There were times I really, really did not like my mother.  And I shuddered to think that my kids may feel the same way about me, hhhhhhhhhhhh.  But now that they are grown, I am in a different frame of mind and I take every opportunity to discuss those days and beg their forgiveness.  Crazy thing is, I don’t remember some of the things that meant the most to them. But for their sake, I give all my attention and try to bring them a healing interaction. There are a few things I am still healing from myself… being defensive may be a natural response but it is not helpful.  Still, these are places even at 50 something I am still endeavoring to grow through. I don’t believe one should ever be stuck in the “That’s the way I am” place… for at that point… what is the point? Life demands movement, breadth, space, air, depth, passion and let’s not forget love, peace, and happiness (actually joy.) Want to know how to come back to center?  Take a moment.    

Schedule a little “me time.” Get somewhere that the sun can reach your face and sit right there. Close your eyes and breathe.  Stop your mind from racing and feel, feel the space that you are in. In my mind I see Shug Avery in “The Color Purple” stopping to smell the purple flowers or Jet Li pausing in the rice patty fields to get caught up in the passing breeze… Don’t miss those moments. Grab them whenever you can because they feed the soul.

Parents create the moments that elicit joyful giggles from your children. Play in the snow, roll in the grass, jump in the waves with them. Remember your inner child and bring it out to play with them every now and again. Here’s an idea… USE YOUR IMAGINATION. And here’s the part you should know… enjoy that time, because when it’s gone you can’t get it back. The residue of regret will always have its place. But love and live and laugh, and breathe and sing and dance like no one is looking.  Roll your bread into balls, blow bubbles thru your straw, eat a PB & J like a chu-chu train, make funny faces and tickle your kids till they almost pee. Why?  Because these things make you laugh, and laughter is like a medicine.  Get some… it’ll make you feel better.