Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Body, Body, Body

I almost started this blog with a Weight Watchers quote, something about being your own best friend or not being your own worst enemy, but instead I settled on this,

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own POWERS, you cannot be successful or happy.” Norman Vincent Peale

And though it may be easier to get disgusted at my fat ankles, I realize that I am much more than my physical flaws. This week we’re talking about the body in all it’s glory.  But I feel like people need to be EMPOWERED, almost given permission to FOCUS less on their bodies and to put more enthusiasm and energy into building who they as a whole. And it starts by VALUING yourSELF. Because what you value, you take extra care of.  You protect, keep safe and place where it can be most appreciated. However, when it comes to SELF we tend to “body shame” and as a result low self-esteem flowers. Health is soooo very important to “HappyLife” but striving to be like Adonis or Barbie is a losing battle, especially if you don’t have the skinny gene, or money to fix it. The world is pushing this workout obsession (especially in January after the holidays ) thanx Peloton, and now the new Workout Mirror…smh. A flawless outward appearance screaming “ALL IS GOOD” means nothing if you’re the walking dead on the inside! I have this friend who works out religiously, he keeps his body looking good, but he’s afraid of the dark and is Identity-challenged, aaaand he wouldn’t know how to keep a good relationship if it fell on him (wink wink.) … i mean full of fear and just stuck emotionally. And then he looks at others like… what’s wrong with you? I be like… dude for real?

There are tons of people out there that put more value on outwardness (appearances and material stuff.) How many people do you know that pride themselves on eating right and looking good but are emotionally jacked and don’t know how to deal with people? You know folks that won’t eat any animal products but sees nothing wrong with using and discarding others? I mean wasn’t it Jesus who said, “Its not what you put into your body that defiles or ruins you, it’s what comes out.” Clearly that means health, being right, is more than what you put in your body because whatever you put in always has a way of coming out (unless you’re stopped up somewhere and that’s a whole nuther blog post, CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK, lol.)

You got to feed your body, yes and good food, pure food is optimum. But equally as important, even more so, is what you’re feeding your mind and your spirit? Are you surfing the net and gorging yourSELF on explicit content, or other people’s nonsense and drama? Are you gaming more than creating? Are you swiping left more than you are connecting to people in real time? Does what you listen to and watch on t.v. numb or inspire your mind? If you feed yourself with junk, guess what will pour out into your world?

We talked about diamonds a couple of weeks ago,,, from coal under pressure to being cut and showing brilliance. And then there’s gold, which has been a commodity and source of value forever. Everyone knows the purer it is the more valuable it is. Think of yourSELF as Gold. Have you notice people that surround themselves with drama and negativity have a lot more issues and stress? Did you know stress and unforgiveness brings on dis-ease and can shorten your life? Rid yourSELF of impurities of these impurities and see how the quality of your life rises.

So, my bottom line is if you’re truly striving for a healthy and happy life, don’t just feed your body well (and exercise) you also must do the same for your mind and spirit. Love, value and honor yourSELF by choosing the right friends, and activities. Guard your heart, guard your ears and your eyes, for what goes in will definitely come out and affect your world. And lastly remember to grow, grow your gifts, use your talents, expand your mind, love more, laugh louder, sing and dance like no one is looking. And never, never dumb yourself down for temporary gratification. Let your beauty shine! You’re more brilliant than diamonds and precious than gold. And you’re more powerful than you know. It’s your POWER to be the best you can be, don’t let anyone take that away from you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Having a hard time seeing/feeling it? I can help, as usual I GOT YOU! Click here

ENOUGH!!

Have you ever seen that movie with J Lo called ENOUGH!!! The character she played was a victim of Domestic Abuse, fearing for her life with no one to rescue her, she basically defended herself in a way that… uh ended badly for him.

There’s a sober part of me (the size of a chihuahua) that says… “Awww he died” but the larger part of me says “That joker had to go!” And it reminds me of the demonic inner voice screaming “on loop” (continuous repeat) “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.” I guess the movie’s message is more of a Self-Development metaphor… What grand delusion gives you the right to tear me down and create a prison that forces me to remain there? As if you get to define me and determine my worth. And if I don’t comply, I should expect to get beat back into submission or ignored? Oh, no… The Devil is a Lie! I’m sure at her lowest point… through tears she wondered how she got confined to this space. Even though this is only a movie, the sad thing is it’s happening for real somewhere… probably right now. Also happening more than I would like, is how we INTERNALIZE harsh treatment and words (that we can’t get free of) which produces low SELF esteem and SELF-worth.

So I’m starting a series to exorcize those demons of low SELF-worth. There is no way to have a happy life if you are not starting with a well-put together SELF. A healthy SELF is the foundation of everything you want to happen in your life. Soooooo… Lets jump into STINKIN’ THINKIN’ aka your thought life. Nothing makes me grit my teeth like hearing someone say “YOU MAKE ME… ______” whatever, fill in the blank. Let me tell you why…. We give people too much power over who we are. How many times have we approached the “seeking a relationship” place and we show up like we’re the one interviewing for a job? Starting off with a list of things we want, and then we spot an option and then go after it doing whatever is needed to seal this deal? Wait… how did the tables turn? No no, we need to go in strong knowing … not knowing but “BEING me” (who you really are.) But you have to be alright with who you are, first.

If I’m not presenting the best me I can be, doesn’t it make sense to close it down (whatever it is) and pull it all together before exposing myself to the elements? Demons, negativity… bad energy is attracted by BROKENNESS. If you are thirsty and your glass is broken, you set yourSELF up for failure (and all the pain that goes with it.) Fix your glass first… no even better, get rid of the broken glass and get yourSELF a shatterproof pitcher so that you can get what you need and share the rest.

But the problem we face is working with what we’ve got. And what you’ve got IS ENOUGH, for now – until you can do better. Never let anyone “make you feel” less than. I like to say, “I Am who iam” (by the grace of God) take it or leave it, I DON’T CARE. Why don’t I care, because I need to be the best I can be for me first, so what I’m giving to the world is excellent … and anything good that comes out of that is just gravy. Feel free to adopt it, if you want. But it all starts in your mind. What are you thinking? Are you comparing yourSELF to others, what the world says is beautiful? Thin, blond and blue used to be all the rage… but now the world is saying something different. You can’t be moved by the world or what people say, because people are fickle. You have to know, that your physical make up is mostly genetic even though it’s up to you to exercise and eat right. If you come from sturdy, thick people… GET OVER IT, YOU’LL NEVER BE BARBIE. But you can fix up and work what you got! Address the basics: 1) Keep your body clean and smelling good, 2) Fix your hair in funky fresh ways (or simple, and neat is good), 3) Design your own style of dressing… create a SELF-image that you like and 4) Compliment yourSELF (don’t wait on others to do it.)

How do you overcome a negative SELF-image and comparing yourself to others? Come back next week, that’s where we will start.

For more on The SELF and SELF-concept grab your copy of 4SELF 101 here (its not just for Teens.)

Naughty or Nice

Last week we talked about being “NICE” about sweetness, being kind and “Monkies” (issues.) Nope, I’m not summarizing it, you just have to go back and read it, lol. One thing I will say about “being overly nice” is… IT IS A MASK. Don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice person if its organic and genuine. There is a time and place for everything EVEN being “a little naughty”… But when you’re “overly nice” and you end up in spots you later regret or suffer for (over and over again) there’s a problem. For one thing, your SELF esteem takes a beating, you lose SELF-trust and then there’s the “VITAL SIGNS,” that you don’t see but everyone else does. They’re evidence that a monkie is hiding nearby (uh in you.) I like to call this thing the “Jekyll & Hyde” syndrome. Sounds funny? I just made that up but it’s trying so hard to be good but something of you just won’t cooperate. My struggle was the “good Christian-girl” versus the “Bad-Girl” thing. On one side I desired to be pure and chase… but on the other I used to be like (music please) “IIIII wanna sexxxx you up!” This struggle is real even Apostle Paul said,

“What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise… so that my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in (right) actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” Rom 7: 16-20, MSG

When you’ve been in the “relationship desert” for a while and the “dry patch” has turned into a dusty road like the one from Cali to Vegas… you start compromising your value system for a little fulfillment. Fortunately, The Spirit within is always willing and ready to take the “Superhero stance” inside of you with one hand on a hip and the other outstretched exclaiming “NOT TODAY SATAN!” But instead of nurturing that thing we tend to accept all the little tasty morsels the world has to offer, which by default shrinks the spirit and blows up our fleshly desires to Hulk status. So when just the right temptation comes along its not rocket science to figure out which will win… the spirit or the body? You know the answer and that’s why when Jekyll is finished playing and the lights come on we mostly feel like crap. Unless you get tired of being a hypocrite, doing the same things the same way, those monkies will just keep growing and taking more control.

THE GOOD NEWS

90% of this behavior is subconscious and the other 10% are the rotten decisions you continue to make. Previously I did a 5-post series called “FML” (Fix My Life) which explained “vacuum needs.” In case you didn’t catch the posts, a vacuum need is like a black hole developed when we didn’t receive what we needed as a child. And it can be many needs like attachment, affection, attention, and security – those things that build your IDENTITY and creates a healthy SELF (or not.) Anyhow, these “needs” NEEEEEEED to be filled, or you are subconsciously compelled, propelled to fill the needs on your own. In fact the striving won’t stop, can’t stop until the “black hole” is filled - it’s the feeling that happiness can’t be had until this thing is filled, resolve… made right.

How to FIX this thing

This Jekyll & Hyde thing is as much about your identity as it is about dealing with (ridding yourSELF of) your monkies. The goal is to take off the mask permanently and to be consistently genuinely YOU in every situation. Oh yeah, it’s gonna take a made-up mind, determination and work. This is not a formula and I am not a therapist (ya might want to get yourself one.) But I can coach you. Try this:

1. Forgive yourSELF for all the bad choices and for hurting yourSELF

2. Seek, Knock and Find (Grab a Bible and read Matt 7:7-8 and Jer 29:13)

3. Find your Monkies, and resolve those issues (get professional help if you need to)

4. Set specific boundaries and don’t crumble (but if you do, get up, forgive & try again)

5. Don’t put yourSELF (or follow or go) into those tempting situation

6. Get an accountability partner and do OTHER FUN THINGS.

Get solid on the inside, and you will see the changes outside. And if you need help, as always I got you, click here. For more info on Monkies, Breaking Bad Habits, Boundaries, and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here (it’s not just for Teens.)

“Nice” Sweeter than Honey

They say it’s much easier to get bears with honey, mmmm sweet is good. Ya know, one might use “sweet” and “nice” interchangeably as in “That’s a sweet ride” ... and you know it’s a nice car. But if you’re talking about people sweet and nice don’t necessarily mean the same thing. Anybody can be sweet when they want something and then behave in a nasty way once they’ve accomplished their goal. Ain’t nuthin’ nice about gettin’ got.

Word play is sexy, and I love how shades of one word may be shadowed upon another… like Nice and Kind. Is there a difference relating to how one makes you feel versus the other? Well “nice” is, according to Dictiony.com, being “Pleasing, agreeable and pleasant.” But my new favorite source Critical Thinking is a Cop (@criticalthotcop) Tweeted a very crunchy comparison this way: “Being nice is not the same thing as being kind. Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion. Kindness is actually giving a shit about people.”

Whaaaaaaat?!!!! Quick! What do we know about nice people… “They always finish last” That’s what people say, though It’s not necessarily true (sounds like a death sentence.) I’ve never taken “being nice” as a negativism before… until well, just now. “Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion” ???… whyyyy, I’m almost offended. But what I’m feeling forces me to look at myself in a way I haven’t before. That’s what a “good word” does… Shakes and challenges you to SELF-assess, again and again. I hope my writings motivate you to do the same. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, aaaand it pains me to say it, but she’s right. I have used niceness as a defense mechanism practically all my life without realizing it.

I grew up in domestic violence. It’s not a laughing matter but we used to call them “Saturday Nite Fights.” First there was arguing, and then at the stroke of midnight, ding ding ding, the knock-down-drag-out fighting between my mother and stepdad began. “Pop” was (and still is) one of the most chilled people in the whole world. I felt like Mom bullied him and it made me sick to my stomach. I thought if she were just nicer, most of this bull$#%t would go away. Back then I didn’t yet understand that hurting people hurt people… and the more desperate they feel the more pain they inflict on others. So, I made an inner vow “to be nice., which I subconsciously stuck to even when the Ghetto Diva needed to show up, lol. My display of weakness was not being nice, or having a tender/sensitive heart, it was PASSIVITY, which was expressed through PEOPLE PLEASING. Most nice people don’t want to hurt other people or let them down… but I promise you when people are “overly nice”… there’s a “monkie” (aka inner hurt) lurking somewhere. Monkies can make it nearly impossible to 1). Stand up for yourself, 2) Correct other people when they wrong you and 3) To Just say NO.

The point is, being nice (as they say… to a fault) is a literal STRATEGY (your monkies use to help you) AVOID rejection and hurt. Phewwww, that’s deep ain’t it? The funny thing is… I found out being super-nice doesn’t make others respectful you… it pretty much gives jerks a green light for abuse. NOTE: People will treat you the way you LET THEM. There comes a time for considering yourSELF above others, because sometimes no one is coming to rescue you. And believe it or not, there are times you MUST BE (not aggressive, but) ASSERTIVE. You don’t have to be rude, but know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting what you’ve paid for.

How do you get there? You get to the root of your “NICE” behavior. There are other steps that I can help you with, but the last thing is … FORGIVE yourSELF for being too nice and allowing other people to cause you pain because if it. Start standing and speaking up… practice it. Address issues head on (at the time of offense if possible) don’t AVOID them, because holding it in only makes “NICE” people passive aggressive (and that’s yucky.)

For more info on Monkies, People Pleasing and SELF-care get your copy of 4SELF 101 (It’s not just for teenagers.) Click Here.

NEXT WEEK:  PART II: What happens in the DARK “Naughty or Nice”

Take a Moment

So, life comes, and it comes, and it doesn’t stop.  One perspective is that that is a good thing, the alternative is to not wake up… But stress, my God, is stressful and draining!  I’m here to tell you, raising kids as a single parent with little to no help is the ultimate definition of stressful. And for all of you in that position… hats off! Roseanne Barr said to (tv hubby) John Goodman in her sitcom yeeeeeears ago… “If your kids are still alive when you get home… I’ve done my job.” How hard is it  not to be a toxic parent when you were raised by one toxic parent or both? If this is your deal and you end up parenting strictly by instinct… you will also exhibit those toxic characteristics.  One must be intentional NOT TO BE what they grew up with.

I lived in “survival mode” for most of my children’s childhood.  Barely hanging on meant living by instinct… and now that I think of it, ironically, I behaved just like the mother that I didn’t want to be like… minus the alcoholism.  There were times I really, really did not like my mother.  And I shuddered to think that my kids may feel the same way about me, hhhhhhhhhhhh.  But now that they are grown, I am in a different frame of mind and I take every opportunity to discuss those days and beg their forgiveness.  Crazy thing is, I don’t remember some of the things that meant the most to them. But for their sake, I give all my attention and try to bring them a healing interaction. There are a few things I am still healing from myself… being defensive may be a natural response but it is not helpful.  Still, these are places even at 50 something I am still endeavoring to grow through. I don’t believe one should ever be stuck in the “That’s the way I am” place… for at that point… what is the point? Life demands movement, breadth, space, air, depth, passion and let’s not forget love, peace, and happiness (actually joy.) Want to know how to come back to center?  Take a moment.    

Schedule a little “me time.” Get somewhere that the sun can reach your face and sit right there. Close your eyes and breathe.  Stop your mind from racing and feel, feel the space that you are in. In my mind I see Shug Avery in “The Color Purple” stopping to smell the purple flowers or Jet Li pausing in the rice patty fields to get caught up in the passing breeze… Don’t miss those moments. Grab them whenever you can because they feed the soul.

Parents create the moments that elicit joyful giggles from your children. Play in the snow, roll in the grass, jump in the waves with them. Remember your inner child and bring it out to play with them every now and again. Here’s an idea… USE YOUR IMAGINATION. And here’s the part you should know… enjoy that time, because when it’s gone you can’t get it back. The residue of regret will always have its place. But love and live and laugh, and breathe and sing and dance like no one is looking.  Roll your bread into balls, blow bubbles thru your straw, eat a PB & J like a chu-chu train, make funny faces and tickle your kids till they almost pee. Why?  Because these things make you laugh, and laughter is like a medicine.  Get some… it’ll make you feel better.   

Swipe Right

Online dating drives me NUTS!!! You want to be kinky, debased, or just want to “hook up” you can find practically anything online.  But if you’re a nice girl or an average guy, who just wants to be meet someone with whom they are compatible to have fun, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. They say it’s all about the numbers, baby…  But it’s like being a used car on a car lot.  If you have enough of the features people are looking for it’s a SWIPE RIGHT but if you are too tall, or too fat, or too old, or too grey, not blond enough, you get SWIPED LEFT. If you struggle with low-self-esteem just be ready for rejection, games, ghosting, etc.

So, a huge part of it is “slot-filling.”  What I mean by this is when people are just tired of being lonely so they connect with the one who ticks off most items on their “must have” list.  And there seems to be a lot of people that “pick this one “for the meantime” just so they can stop feeling lonely and then they drop ‘em and move on when they find something “better,” often times without letting the previous person know.  That sucks! What would the dating landscape look like if people took their time and actually considered other folk’s feelings while playing the game.  But some people are actually out here seriously looking, searching, and hoping to find something real and lasting.

Another issue is “PREFERENCES” aka The List. I’m hard on people when it comes to putting preferences above character and connection because the truth is…. I get offended when you are looking at my breasts instead of hearing what I have to say.   Quality people don’t get play if they have lumpy butts, a mid-section or cellulite. Well and that’s why women are obsesses with Spanx, waist trainers, eyelashes, and weaves.  Now in the defense of shallow people everywhere I have to say… I used to be guilty of “sticking to my type.  And I had a lonnnnnnnng list if must haves (78 items) and then I GREW UP (took my head out of my … you know what) and realized … this freakin’ person DOES NOT EXIST! If you are a Christian, you have no business at all judging people by their outward appearance…. NONE! Sure, you should have an attraction for your life mate, but if  outwardness is more important than inward quality (their spirit, intellect, motivations, calling, etc.) - Your priorities are jacked, and your situation will be too. Another thing if you’re looking for mating but not thinking about investing your life… That’s a real problem. That right there… will lead somewhere you don’t want to go and keep you for longer than you want to be there.  Don’t you get tired of unraveling out of bad situations?  If you do the same ole things and refuse to change… I don’t want to hear your mouth. And stop praying because God can’t even work with a hard heart (ya saw what happened to Pharaoh.)

So how do you make yourself open to more possibilities?

1.        Admit where you are having issues and fix ‘em (stop making excuses.) If you’re scared of connecting… you’re not ready to date

2.       Don’t take it all too seriously (you will go through a lot of frogs before reaching a prince.)

3.       Spend time with your SELF, and make up you mind what you really want

4.       Get an “Accountability Partner” someone who can tell you your Sh%# is stinkin’ if necessary and who will walk with and help keep you straight.  

5.       Strive to be open and honest with people you meet

6.      Come out of the box you’ve created for yourself and push beyond “your preferences.”

7.       Don’t jump at it because it glitters; everything that glitters ain’t gold. Make good choices

8.      Be in the moment, connect… not everyone you meet is meant to date

9.      Strive to know a person BEFORE you have sex with them (unless you want NSA and are honest and upfront about it.)

Have fun with dating.  Feeling obsessed, pull back & fix your head before getting back out there.