"No" Can Be a Beautiful Thing

Remember throwing a complete tantrum when hearing the words “No” as a child? Shamefully some of us adults are still stuck in that mode… that was me about 5 years ago, but that’s an issue for another time. Noooooo really bites when you want something badly. But here’s the thing about NO, parents that don’t tell their children NO from time are lacking love. Its true! And I will tell you why… Hearing NO builds the ability to problem solve, work through disappointment in a healthy way and adjust. A child that never hears the word NO develops “Broken Fence Syndrome” aka doesn’t understand BOUNDARIES… and an #EntitlementMentality. That’s where someone believes they should have what they don’t necessarily deserve, have not worked towards or earned. And if you don’t give them what they want… they MELT DOWN! Because “NO” does not exist in their world (Mars or Uranus) they don’t know how to process it. Now the reason I say parents are not loving when they don’t OCCASIONALLY say no, they are handicapping their child and setting them up for failure. They only see NOW and not the FUTURE turmoil and utter confusion their child will experience with REJECTION! This behavior, is the fruit of brokenness that parent has to resolve in their own hearts. Not being able to say NO is the “fruit of a bad root.”

But… LEARNING TO TELL yourSELF NO, is one of the best things you could do for yourSELF! It’s a necessary step in developing SELF-Love, SELF-Respect and SELF-Trust. Be honest, how much love do you extend to people you neither respect or trust? You gets nuthin’ from me if I don’t trust or respect you. So how much more does that apply when it comes to SELF?

Y'all know I’m single and dating, right? And I want nothing more than to have A HEALTHY romantic love relationship ...uh with someone else… besides mySELF, #LovingMe. This week, someone left a note on my apartment door saying, “Hi neighbor I’m So-N-So, saw you at our apartment’s Ice Cream event call me anytime.” That’s kinda creepy, but I was mildly curious so I decided to call… several hours later. He introduced himself and I remembered seeing him walking the cutest little dog though the courtyard. Later the next day, while enjoying the “Golden time of the day” (nod to Frankie Beverly and Maze) which I do often… I love Georgia sunsets, I hear someone yelling “Hey Neighbor! Did you get my note?” Mind you, I live on the top floor – yep, a little weird. But I said, “I did, you should bring the baby (the dog) up sometime.” He responded, “Just waiting on the invite.” I wasn’t sure what to make of it and I just felt some uneasy vibes. So I did that thing I do and that is pray for discernment. As the sun was going down I text him to swing by for an on-the-patio chat and he was on my doorstep in 2 minutes. I greeted him and led him directly through my dimly lit apartment to the patio, he seemed surprised that I had a roommate. That gave me pause, but I didn’t want to judge too quickly. I should gather more data before making a determination… I asked questions, he answered and roommie chimed in… we all talked. Asked how long he had the dog, who was so lovingly social… he said “My therapist, told me to get a dog.” Man I wanted so badly to ask, why… but I figured the answer would reveal itself if he kept talking. Well, in about 20 minutes he made his exit. Over the next couple of days we started texting each other. He asked me to come over to his place and I declined. You see, I have a boundary that I’ve set for myself… and that’s not to go over men’s houses I barely know… ESPECIALLY at night. I don’t “Netflix and chill” I know that’s old… but it’s real. He pretended not to understand… (head tilt). After about an hour of texting, he said… oh do you mean sex? He said he understood, but texted me the NEXT 7 hours (text after text) trying to talk me out of my boundary. He explained, coaxed, even tried to manipulate into coming over to his place for an intimate dinner. Finally I said… If I have not been clear… “NO, NO THANK YOU.” And he said, “We are two adults, nothing will happen that we both don’t want to.” And that’s when I knew this horny old man’s elevator didn’t quite reach the top floor. I would’ve told him to lose my number when I found out he has been watching me on my patio for awhile… but I agreed to go to an upcoming party with him. And I wanted to collect a bit more data so that I wouldn’t cut him off prematurely. Determination: I BLOCKED HIM. No, no, no… uh-uh. You see “No” can save your emotions, sanity, your time and even your life.

Back in the day, I may have jumped at this 6’2, seemingly intelligent, financially stable man. But today, I love myself enough to take my time, gather data… AND JUST SAY NO. Setting good boundaries (and keeping them), making good decisions, and being patient has helped me to trust God and myself.” NO” is the most beautiful thing when the results are SELF-Love, High SELF-Esteem, Self-Respect, SELF-Trust and the ability to do what you must to make yourSELF stronger, wiser and a better person. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy - yep it’s gonna take practice. But I promise, it’s gonna be the best step you can take in your SELF DEVELOPMENT - SELF-Care journey today. Get started and remember to say YES to joy.

For more on The Broken Fence Syndrome, Boundaries and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF101, it’s not just for teens.

Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Body, Body, Body

I almost started this blog with a Weight Watchers quote, something about being your own best friend or not being your own worst enemy, but instead I settled on this,

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own POWERS, you cannot be successful or happy.” Norman Vincent Peale

And though it may be easier to get disgusted at my fat ankles, I realize that I am much more than my physical flaws. This week we’re talking about the body in all it’s glory.  But I feel like people need to be EMPOWERED, almost given permission to FOCUS less on their bodies and to put more enthusiasm and energy into building who they as a whole. And it starts by VALUING yourSELF. Because what you value, you take extra care of.  You protect, keep safe and place where it can be most appreciated. However, when it comes to SELF we tend to “body shame” and as a result low self-esteem flowers. Health is soooo very important to “HappyLife” but striving to be like Adonis or Barbie is a losing battle, especially if you don’t have the skinny gene, or money to fix it. The world is pushing this workout obsession (especially in January after the holidays ) thanx Peloton, and now the new Workout Mirror…smh. A flawless outward appearance screaming “ALL IS GOOD” means nothing if you’re the walking dead on the inside! I have this friend who works out religiously, he keeps his body looking good, but he’s afraid of the dark and is Identity-challenged, aaaand he wouldn’t know how to keep a good relationship if it fell on him (wink wink.) … i mean full of fear and just stuck emotionally. And then he looks at others like… what’s wrong with you? I be like… dude for real?

There are tons of people out there that put more value on outwardness (appearances and material stuff.) How many people do you know that pride themselves on eating right and looking good but are emotionally jacked and don’t know how to deal with people? You know folks that won’t eat any animal products but sees nothing wrong with using and discarding others? I mean wasn’t it Jesus who said, “Its not what you put into your body that defiles or ruins you, it’s what comes out.” Clearly that means health, being right, is more than what you put in your body because whatever you put in always has a way of coming out (unless you’re stopped up somewhere and that’s a whole nuther blog post, CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK, lol.)

You got to feed your body, yes and good food, pure food is optimum. But equally as important, even more so, is what you’re feeding your mind and your spirit? Are you surfing the net and gorging yourSELF on explicit content, or other people’s nonsense and drama? Are you gaming more than creating? Are you swiping left more than you are connecting to people in real time? Does what you listen to and watch on t.v. numb or inspire your mind? If you feed yourself with junk, guess what will pour out into your world?

We talked about diamonds a couple of weeks ago,,, from coal under pressure to being cut and showing brilliance. And then there’s gold, which has been a commodity and source of value forever. Everyone knows the purer it is the more valuable it is. Think of yourSELF as Gold. Have you notice people that surround themselves with drama and negativity have a lot more issues and stress? Did you know stress and unforgiveness brings on dis-ease and can shorten your life? Rid yourSELF of impurities of these impurities and see how the quality of your life rises.

So, my bottom line is if you’re truly striving for a healthy and happy life, don’t just feed your body well (and exercise) you also must do the same for your mind and spirit. Love, value and honor yourSELF by choosing the right friends, and activities. Guard your heart, guard your ears and your eyes, for what goes in will definitely come out and affect your world. And lastly remember to grow, grow your gifts, use your talents, expand your mind, love more, laugh louder, sing and dance like no one is looking. And never, never dumb yourself down for temporary gratification. Let your beauty shine! You’re more brilliant than diamonds and precious than gold. And you’re more powerful than you know. It’s your POWER to be the best you can be, don’t let anyone take that away from you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Having a hard time seeing/feeling it? I can help, as usual I GOT YOU! Click here

Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis-ease

SOULMATES, how important are words and learning to “fight fair”?  Communication, though it can be very complex is vital to every single relationship, even the one with your SELF!  Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”? Man, that was the mantra for every bullied kid back in the day! And screaming inside their heads “keep it together, keep it together” while trying not to cry and run down the street.  But in truth the mantra is a straight up lie.  While physical cuts scab over and heal, damning words are “saved” on the hard drive of the psyche, and like a background script they run without you even knowing. Words are like seeds, so if you spew ugly, painful, insulting, insensitive language, especially to impressionable youths who are still developing identity, ya might as well be spitting bullets.  Many of us are still running the script and eating the fruit from the trees grown from the bad seeds and we can’t figure out why our lives keep glitching.

Psychological Needs, according to Abraham Maslow (The Hierarchy of Needs, 1935) is the most basic foundational need we all have in common. How do you live a happy life when your head is either messed up or not in the game? Don’t take offense, but  sense NO BODY IS PERFECT and most of us grew up in some form of dysfunction, we are ALL JACKED UP, in one way or another.  But words have the power of life and death and the actions that accompany them only solidify the message. And whatever the message good or bad, whether it meets our needs or causes a “deficiency vacuum” is the stuff we build our lives and identity on.  Let me give you an example: A kid was playing, and they fell and skinned their knee and began to cry.

Scenario 1:  The Mom, upon hearing her child, Timmy cry, threw the phone down, ran outside calling him by name as she grabbed him up.  She hugged him and held him for a moment and spoke affirmative, reassuring words as she helped him to his feet.  With great care she cleaned him up, bandaged his leg and made sure he was alright before giving him a snack and laying him down to rest.   

Scenario 2: The Mom saw everything but was annoyed that her long awaited conversation was interrupted by her stepson’s “clumsy” accident. Even though she could hear the child scream, she finished the intense part of the conversation and took the phone out with her and said (into the phone)… “This lil clumsy bastard, not watching where he was going crashed his bike. Yep, that’s him screaming in the background.  She then snatched him to his feet and dragged him into the house, slapped a bandage on, and told him to go to his room… all while continuing the phone conversation.

Psychological Impact

Kid #1 (Needs Met):  Mom affirmed that the kid is valued, important, cared for and worthy of concern.

Kid #2 (Needs unmet, and deficiency/black hole/vacuum created) Parent affirms kid has less value, is lower priority than phone conversation, Kid is a bother and is not loved/liked and is left to self-soothe.  

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Although Scenario #2 is a little extreme, I’m just trying to drive the point home. Words are seeds that are planted and the fruit from the trees that grow feed us fruit for years to come.  The only way to get rid of the bad scripts is to reprogram the hard drive.  Here’s how you do it:

1.  Remember the Murderous / Wounding Words

2. Forgive the perpetrator (If you need help, click here)

3. Get some AFFIRMATIONS and say them aloud to reprogram your thoughts (and change your trajectory)

For affirmations or help plucking up roots and changing out your fruit… I got you, click here. For more information on Communication check out my book 4Self 101 Chapter 3