The POWER of SELF-Love

“Self-love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. Make it full and your excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.”

Beau Taplin

You can’t pay anyone from an account with a negative balance how much more with love. (That’s mine.) We do some crazy things just trying to feel loved. Love is a thing you must already have on the inside to be able to give it away. I know sounds simple maybe even contrite… but it is soooo sooo true. Let me let you in on a little secret… and not all of you will receive this, but…

GOD IS LOVE. And you will never, never… hear me… ever experience love the way it was meant without Him. He created it, he knows all about it, and He knows how to instruct others to fully give and receive it. People who attempt to love without knowing God can be compared to entering a house through the window, yeah you got in, buuutttttttt… admit it, it wasn’t the best way, because it didn’t last. Real love lasts forever. You don’t fall into OR out of love. Love is a decision, a commitment.

I really want to be clear, when I talk about SELF-love (Philautia) I mean having respect for one’s self. I mean liking, caring for, protecting, catering to, occasionally splurging on, establishing identity and worth. But what I am not talking about is narcissism. A narcissist's whole thing is taking care of #1, first, primarily, only. But that is not AGAPE! That is a form of brokenness that can only be fixed through transformation of one’s spirit and mind (and forgiveness.)

If I were to ask you, “Do you love yourself?” Most people would say, “Sure, I love myself” but in all honesty have not actually taken the time to KNOW themselves. You look in the mirror and say I like this or I don’t like that about my body or hair… but I’m talking about the SELF, the real you, the inner man/woman. Go with me for a moment, yes… use your imagination. What if there was a knock on your door. And when you opened it found a very tall box. You drag it into the house and open it to find … A spot-on replica, a clone of YOU. After the shock and fear wears off you call it by your name and it comes alive. You spend a week with you, not tell me. Would you like, even love yourself? Or would you get on your own nerves, lol? What are the things you would do to make you fall in love with you? And could you handle it? Well clearly unless you can love yourself, it will be totally impossible to love others. The bottom line is, when you give and give from your account (your love bank) and you don’t get what you need in return… you have to make your own deposits.

Yes you can still love yourself and feel lonely. That doesn’t not mean you are alone. Go be with or Face Time people that love you and soak up their love. Go spend sometime with God, for in His presence you will find the fullness of joy and peace. Its the only place you can be YOURSELF and receive unconditional, limitless, love. And if you struggle to find your own goodness, and identity and worth… just have a conversation. You see, God knows you better than you do yourself and if you are open to hearing he will answer every question you ask. Here’s one that works: “God help me to see myself the way you see me? Its not off limits to ask: Why do I feel the way I do, or what wrong with me?” Or “Help me to love myself” Just get somewhere and be still, open your heart and give it a try... The conversations will change your life… I promise. In these ways you can LEARN TO LOVE YOUR SELF. Change your focus from looking for love to loving yourself. Get a journal to capture your feelings, hopes, prayers and dreams. Read books, talk to people, and practice, showing your own self the time of your life and before you know it, the love you’re hoping for will show up.

Books To Read:

Sacred Pampering Principles by Debrena Jackson Gandy

Esteemable Acts by Francine Ward

The Power of I AM by Joel Osteen

Aaand you are?

Have you ever had anyone ask you… “Who are you… really?” Not to say that you wear a mask or hide behind a personality (or several)… orrrr you might but the deeper point is, what is the state of your identity.  It’s the knowing who we are part that determines what the SELF Esteem does.

Back in the day, I once knew this fiiiine older man, a 6-foot tall, brown skinned Trinidadian.  When he spoke, SPLOOSH.  Though I kept mine contained I could see the women all around swooning as he talked.  You should’ve seen their husbands, lol… how many times did I want to say, “Green doesn’t look good on you.”  So, when Frank made a comment about my nose ring… “Guhl, why wouldya do that to ya face?” He proceeded to say that his wife wears no make-up and is naturally beautiful.  I thought “Yeah… so, what’s your point?” “If I had met you before I met her, I wouldn’t have even taken a 2nd look at you.  To do something so drastic must mean you have low self-esteem.” (#oldschool). Although I wanted to argue with him about the low self-esteem thing… I was stuck for real when he asked me “Who are you really?”  Number one, he caught me off-guard and secondly I was going through a really tough time in my life. And I hated, hated, hated being single, a single parent raising 3 children.    

I wonder if he would’ve backed down if I told him “I am a child of the Most High God.” But what does that really mean?  I know now, but then was I tired of being rejected and alone (#noBae). The person that I was seeing at the time was separated but not divorced, which was frowned upon in my circles. Eventually he told me “I can’t be your god” as he was breaking up with me.  And I thought “What the f^%$ does that mean?” In short he was saying… I can’t be everything that you need, it’s too much.  Was I smothering him? Did I need him near me every minute of the day?  IDK, but I always believed this was his poisonous female friend twisting what she saw because she herself wanted him? Either way, this all lead me on a journey to discover who I was in truth… and why I was sucking the life out of my guy.

Listen, we have talked about the “vacuum need” thing in previous posts (see Featured Posts).  This type of brokenness drives a person to suck, and suck and suck from their environment to fill in missing pieces of their psyche. And they often do outrageous things to “make themselves feeeel better” like partying a lot, tattoos and piercings… Quite simply they go outside of themselves to get what can only be found on the inside.  Physical things can not satisfy spiritual needs. (#Looking for love in all the wrong places). So in a sense, The Guy was right. You can’t plug a man into the “God-shaped” void and think you are going to be satisfied… “man” is only human. And just one of the benefits of actually knowing God is He will tell you about, show you - the real you. But you can’t shove off all the responsibility and work onto God.  You have to do the SELF-work of discovering/re-discovering your SELF. The Pproblem is many of us have just DONE life to the point that we haven’t actually taken time for SELF.  We give everything to everyone else and starve our own souls, almost to the point of death.  Look at yourself in the mirror and say… “To know me is to love me.” Know, your own SELF and fall in  love with you.  You’ve heard it a thousand times, whose gonna love you if you don’t love your SELF? And it rings true… you CAN NOT love anyone else UNTIL you love your own SELF.

Who am I? What’s your answer? Are you more than what we see? Why? What is your worth based on? What are your God-given gifts and talents?  What’s your purpose… everyone has them. Aaaand what are you DOING with them?  Don’t feel bad if you don’t have the answers right at this moment. This is my little push for BE “all in” this SELF DEVELOPMENT journey. Step #1) Answer the door to your heart,  God is knocking, and boy does He have some STUFF to tell you!

Need help answering the questions, I got you, CLICK HERE.

BEING

The clock is striking 12, and Cinderella’s dream is fading into a mist. And think we all have a little bit of “Ella” in each of us. There’s that fantasy vision of who we want to be and then there’s that person we see when we look into the mirror. How many of us can literally say, I am totally happy with who I am? I often say as a response to people’s “How are you?”… “I am soooo good, if I were any better there would be two of me.”

I’ve been at this SELF Development thing for many years and ya know what? I have still not “arrived” - let that be a lesson to everyone who thinks by buying a “DO BETTER” course and following a formula will get you to where you want to be. ITS A JOURNEY, one that takes a lifetime but which starts with a made up mind and one step, and another and another. (That’s mine, quote me if you like.) But only elements of what I’ve done right (and wrong) can be tiny pieces of what it takes to get you where you need to be and visa versa. Its crazy when you look at it… remember your parent (or teacher) saying “DO AS I SAY?” It took a certain level of faith and certainly trust to follow those directions and believe that everything would turn out right. And some of us “overly inquisitive” rebellious or hardheaded folks fought directions from authority figures because… we didn’t want to be told what to do. Whatever that meant for the individually, I can certainly say… there is most certainly a seat in the School of Hard Knocks with their name on it. As my elders used to say:

“A hard head makes a soft behind.” Which means if you are being called (by God, the Universe… or your destiny or whatever) to go down a certain path “for your making” you can either go willing or you can get beat every step down the path (if you choose) but one way or another …. YOU’RE GOING. The point is: We all have freedom of choice and guess what … The responsibility (and privilege) is that you get to choose. Just know, sometimes NOT CHOOSING is a choice. If that is your stance, what you get has nothing to do with LUCK but it will certainly out of your hands to control. So I’m saying it’s much better to CHOOSE one thing or the other if for no other reason you can track and tweak the result (and find what works best for you.)

Anyway… self development is an INTENTIONAL endeavor. For what I offer (4SELF) you get out what you put in #tailor-made experience. But the first decision you must make is that you are worth it.

I guess for the majority of my life, I have been so much better at DOING than being. The weirdest thing as I’ve been relentless in accomplishing the many visions I have had over the years to improve the community, families and/or individuals… I found out from try to discover SELF that my IDENTITY was based on what I did (and the accolades I received from “knocking it out of the park”) rather than who I am as a person. The problem there is, once your assignment is completed… you still don’t know who you are. In fact you feel less “important” or worthy because there is no more applause or recognition. I want you to ask yourself: “Who am I outside and apart from what I do?” And if you are like I was when asked, unable to give an intelligent answer… in fact I just stood there and cried… you’ve got some intentional SELF work to do. You may not be there per se… if you don’t know what your purpose is, or you have teens struggling with IDENTITY, they all do, or you’re coming out of a long term or toxic relationship… hitting a mid-life crises or even bout to graduate from high school - YOU’VE GOT TO … Know Thy SELF to get to the next stage.

Let me say it again, EVERYBODY NEEDS SELF DEVELOPMENT.

And a great place to start is getting 4SELF 101 and if you need a little Gre8tLife Coaching, CLICK here.

Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Lookin' Like a Snack

Ever been night driving headed towards some train tracks when the lights begin flashing signaling an approach train?  What’s the first thing you do… consider how much time and space you’ve got before the arms come down?  Its like, if you don’t floor it now you could get stuck (for God knows how long)… Seems like trains come at the most inopportune times, don’t they?

Don’t you wish there was such a thing, flashing lights and protective arms, to signal and protect you from the train wrecks of life?! I do, seems like life would be so much easier… come to think of it there is something! It’s called the “still quiet voice” (check out blog entry “He speaks”t.) but we often miss it because the world is sooooo loud with all it’s distractions. For real, its so much easier to just grab your cell phone and scroll through Social Media rather than take the time and energy to get still and meditate (or pray.)  Its just what we do, over 3.196 BILLION people worldwide hit up Facebook, What’s App, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, YouTube, and TikTok each day for inspiration, motivation, or entertainment (Deyan G, techjury.net, 3/19/2021).

And what’s on social media? All kinds of people doing all kinds of things… make-up artists, fitness vlogs, singers, dancers, artists, etc. all in their “flawless glory.”  Pschhh, get on social media lookin’ crazy… most people won’t do it. Flawlessness is constant and is in full effect 24/7… even if it’s mainly filters, lighting and angles. Aaaand then, its back to reality,. We look at ourselves and see less than perfect bodies…we’re either too skinny or too fat, almost perfect except for the belly or jiggly thighs, we’re apple/pear/hourglass shaped, too dark, (or too white, haaaa), hair too straight, too course, too thin, too curly, boobs too big or not big enough, butt too big or too flat and the list of what we dislike about ourselves just goes on and on. With all this stuff constantly before our eyes, you just can’t help but compare yourself to what is seen. Most of the time we come up short, not ENOUGH.

HOW TO STOP THE MADNESS (COMPARING)

First of all how do you compare apples to oranges? Tho they are both fruit, it’s obvious they are basically different from one another in looks, taste, and smell. As humans it’s the same thing… we just must know is diversity is beautiful. Why not celebrate differences rather than look down on them. Decide to come away from auto-pilot thinking. Try this…

Step One: KNOW YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, and realize there will never be another you.  You are uniquely you and you were  awesomely and wonderfully made. You are the result of a DIVINE DESIGN and you have a purpose in life that only you can fulfill. So slow down and take some time to rediscover your SELF.  Start by finding 2 things in yourSELF that you like (if you get stuck ask someone that knows you well.) Try to improve your weak points and play up and appreciate your strengths. Step two: Decide not to compare yourSELF to anyone again! STOP it! And stop it now, because it’s SELF abuse! Catch the negative SELF-talk that happens when you compare and STOP IT IMMEDIATELY! Leave the site, shut it down… and redirect your focus! Step Three: Look in the mirror and compliment yourSELF, don’t wait for others to do it. But if you notice words in your head that are screaming louder than your positive affirmations- you may need to wipe clean and reprogram your mental hard drive. Repeated verbally abusive, careless hurtful words and bullying acts create grooves in the fabric of our minds (like a worn carpet) and they don’t just go away with time. Particularly damaging are things like: “You’re fat like your Momma,” “You’re no good just like your dad” “you’re a pudgy little thing,” “you’re stupid,” “you’re ugly”  “you’re too skinny” “you’re shaped funny” “nobody likes you” or “you were a mistake”… Listen! You WERE NOT A MISTAKE! You were chosen. Remember the swimming sperm video in sex education? Thousands looking for an egg… No body knows how the selection is made or how many eggs there were… but somehow you were chosen. And the fertlization and development frenzy began for you. Did you know that you’ve been given a unique purpose & destiny and specific gifts to accomplish them? It’s true. 3) Find out what your Purpose is, discover what your gifts are and get to work on a plan to change the world in your own way. Self-Development and pursuing your purpose are LIFETIME endeavors. If you STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE and focus on those 2 things when you’re bored you shouldn’t have time to worry about all the junk flying in your face on social media.  If you find yourSELF stuck, get some help (click here.)

Next week:  Enough! Part II: Body, Body, Body