Power Struggle

Ever felt helpless? In the next couple of weeks we’ll be taking a look at POWER and the struggle to have or regain it in our lives. Before you say that you’ve never struggled for power, just remember back (if you could) to when you were a toddler fighting over the toy you said was “mine, mine, mine.” This was the time of discovery, as we learned about our immediate world and who we are in it. We tested our boundaries and limits, finding out how much we could get away with was a scientific experiment. Sometimes people let us be “entitled” and other times we threw ourselves onto the floor and had tantrums until … well it was ended with success or bitter failure (and correction.) And memories of success and/or of bitter disappointment framed who we’ve become today and where we currently stand with SELF-power. Sadly some adults still use tantrums to get what they want from others. Anyway, we’ve all got stories, someda I’d love to hear yours, but for now go with me into one of mine…

The day my mom asked “my Pop” for a divorce and he broke her nose was kind of a line in the sand for me. I was between 9 & 13 years old, yeahhhh it was back in the day. We lived in this tiny tiiiiny house and I heard my Mom raise her voice like she wanted to fight, which was not unusual, but because it was still relatively early in the day. I peered out of my room to see what was up. Pop was looking for something on the dresser… but not really. And then I heard her yell “IS IT TRUE?! I want a divorce!” Sheepishly I inched closer and BOOM flailing in my direction Mom fell towards me, and we both hit the floor. Her face smeared blood across the off-white knitted butterfly shirt that I was wearing. Yeah… though it was pretty much the most traumatizing thing to happen in my young life I didn’t freak out. I couldn’t, I was frozen, I mean for all I knew she was actually dying, and I didn’t know what to do (#powerless). She demanded he leave, and the police was called. Just as shocked as we were, he fled the scene before they came. Needless to say, that was the bad ending of another marriage relationship. The ambulance came and took her away, fixed her nose, stitched up her face and life returned to normal-ish.

Deconstructing the moment in my mind, I swear I saw the blow coming in slow motion… but through a kid’s eyes I saw the egregious attack of an aggressive and over the top type person on a passive, now passively aggressive man. There was no doubt who was wearing the pants in this relationship. Well, until he made his point (KAPOW) that she would not control him. Don’t get me wrong, HE WAS (absolutely) WRONG TO HIT HER! I don’t care how much she pushed and poked and baited him. There is such a thing as walking away! But she knew his buttons and she pushed them all until he SNAPPED. Hindsight being what it is, so much more was going on here and who knows how long the frustration was building on both sides. One of the underlying morals of this story is “Hurting people HURT people.”

MiMi and her mother, characters in my book (4SELF101) are very much like me and Lenora. She was a very good example of a strong black woman. She was caring, capable, funny, witty and very very independent. She was the one who wore the pants in her relationships, because she needed to be in charge. But she didn’t understand that in successful relationships, there can only be 1 head of the household. Myles Munroe said “Anything with two heads is a monster.” So, clearly somebody has to back down (or there will be fights… aka power struggles.) Listen, it is sooooo easy to follow in your parent’s footsteps and do what you’ve seen growing up . Or you can just let life happen. Its like being followed by the “sins of the father,” history just naturally repeats itself… UNLESS you intentionally make change. The pendulum of broken relationships can very easily swing from NEEDY to ‘I DON’T NEED A MAN” and right in the middle you’ll usually find “fear of a broken heart” or “fear of rejection” or “fear of abandonment” at the center point. But the common denominator is FEAR. Fear is a catalyst. And giving away your Power or trying to control someone elses is a sure sign of brokenness. Next week lets go get your POWER back… meet me here.

Pandoras Box

Confucius said “Better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But, for the person who feels like less is more… you just may be wrong. There’s life in connecting with others through genuine and authentic communication. It ain’t easy, but it is worth it.

Note to writers: Please feel free to share a favorite word in the comments below (I need some word candy in my life). My word for today is RETICENT and it means quiet or restrained. Quiet people get a bad rap because they seem to always be “in their head” which does not necessarily mean that they’re “up to something devious.” Many brilliant people are not very talkative. In fact, being quick to listen or to observe others before putting yourself out there, is a form of wisdom. The only challenge is when people purposely “close off” their emotions (and/or communication) for fear of being abused or rejected by others. Emotions can be very tricky to navigate and hard to deal with especially for those who did not have a healthy space to observe, process and share them growing up. Likewise survivors of Domestic Violence, or abuse automatically shield themselves from toxic feelings and the negative reactions attached to them. When people are “emotionally unavailable” they can be either under-developed or overly exposed. In either case they may find it easier to protect themselves by putting their emotions and all it’s baggage in a tidy little box. They then store it away in a dusty corner of the soul where it’s protected from others by a little monkie called “hurt.”

In SELF-protection mode, some “cold” “unfeeling” and “passionless” people have literally boxed their emotions and become super reserved in order to control their outcomes. But what they don’t understand is the box not only protects their emotions, it also blocks the vitally needed things that are meant to heal and grow them. Yes, dealing with people can be messy and it often requires stretching beyond one’s comfort zone. It’s ok to be in the box for a minute, but while you’re there make the most of your time. Get some counseling, read some books, do a little SELF-care. Do an overhaul of how you show up for people. Did you know treating (or loving) people only in a way that makes YOU feel comfortable is a form of narcissism? A great book to help you with that is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Shifting your prospective to provide what others need instead of giving them what you want, could make all the difference in the world. And good communication coupled with actions that confirm your words is as vital to relationships as water is to a garden. If you don’t water, and tend your garden, you’ll get no fruit… in fact, all you’ve planted will dry up and eventually die. This next thing is a hard one… VULNERABILITY. Being vulnerable is really scary, especially if you’ve opened up and still experienced loss. Honestly, you can’t have anything real without a little nakedness (spiritually speaking.) Sometimes getting raw and real is what relationships need to progress (not just for dating) … all important relationships go there.

Sometimes listening, ACTIVE LISTENING, is sharing (sharing is caring.) If you aren’t sure what a person needs, JUST ASK THEM (and give them time and space to respond.) Don’t premeditate a response just be present and walk it out together. Expanding your response repertoire (gotta deal with the monkies first, tho) will transform other people’s ability to open up to you.

Now after all this, if you’re still in your box struggling - I want you to consider: Whats important enough to draw you out of there – your children, family, job, partner - how about life and joy? Once you have your “ why” … We (all your loved ones and basically the world) need you to COME ON OUT OF THAT DARN BOX!!! BE present, ready to learn, open, and willing to express yourSELF. Trust in the fact that what is supposed to be, will be and if it’s not meant for you, it won’t remain… let it go. Stop trying to control every outcome and you’ll be surprised by the unexpected blessings that’ll flow your way. Here’s a good start, practice saying these 4 things: “I was wrong and I apologize” “I love you” “I need help” and “I need you in my life.” Finally, learn to praise out loud. Express your thankfulness. And watch how your life change before your very eyes.

If you need help, as always I got you (click here). For more info on Monkies, Communication, and Self-Improvement get you copy of 4SELF 101 here (It’s not just for Teens.)

Swipe Right

Online dating drives me NUTS!!! You want to be kinky, debased, or just want to “hook up” you can find practically anything online.  But if you’re a nice girl or an average guy, who just wants to be meet someone with whom they are compatible to have fun, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. They say it’s all about the numbers, baby…  But it’s like being a used car on a car lot.  If you have enough of the features people are looking for it’s a SWIPE RIGHT but if you are too tall, or too fat, or too old, or too grey, not blond enough, you get SWIPED LEFT. If you struggle with low-self-esteem just be ready for rejection, games, ghosting, etc.

So, a huge part of it is “slot-filling.”  What I mean by this is when people are just tired of being lonely so they connect with the one who ticks off most items on their “must have” list.  And there seems to be a lot of people that “pick this one “for the meantime” just so they can stop feeling lonely and then they drop ‘em and move on when they find something “better,” often times without letting the previous person know.  That sucks! What would the dating landscape look like if people took their time and actually considered other folk’s feelings while playing the game.  But some people are actually out here seriously looking, searching, and hoping to find something real and lasting.

Another issue is “PREFERENCES” aka The List. I’m hard on people when it comes to putting preferences above character and connection because the truth is…. I get offended when you are looking at my breasts instead of hearing what I have to say.   Quality people don’t get play if they have lumpy butts, a mid-section or cellulite. Well and that’s why women are obsesses with Spanx, waist trainers, eyelashes, and weaves.  Now in the defense of shallow people everywhere I have to say… I used to be guilty of “sticking to my type.  And I had a lonnnnnnnng list if must haves (78 items) and then I GREW UP (took my head out of my … you know what) and realized … this freakin’ person DOES NOT EXIST! If you are a Christian, you have no business at all judging people by their outward appearance…. NONE! Sure, you should have an attraction for your life mate, but if  outwardness is more important than inward quality (their spirit, intellect, motivations, calling, etc.) - Your priorities are jacked, and your situation will be too. Another thing if you’re looking for mating but not thinking about investing your life… That’s a real problem. That right there… will lead somewhere you don’t want to go and keep you for longer than you want to be there.  Don’t you get tired of unraveling out of bad situations?  If you do the same ole things and refuse to change… I don’t want to hear your mouth. And stop praying because God can’t even work with a hard heart (ya saw what happened to Pharaoh.)

So how do you make yourself open to more possibilities?

1.        Admit where you are having issues and fix ‘em (stop making excuses.) If you’re scared of connecting… you’re not ready to date

2.       Don’t take it all too seriously (you will go through a lot of frogs before reaching a prince.)

3.       Spend time with your SELF, and make up you mind what you really want

4.       Get an “Accountability Partner” someone who can tell you your Sh%# is stinkin’ if necessary and who will walk with and help keep you straight.  

5.       Strive to be open and honest with people you meet

6.      Come out of the box you’ve created for yourself and push beyond “your preferences.”

7.       Don’t jump at it because it glitters; everything that glitters ain’t gold. Make good choices

8.      Be in the moment, connect… not everyone you meet is meant to date

9.      Strive to know a person BEFORE you have sex with them (unless you want NSA and are honest and upfront about it.)

Have fun with dating.  Feeling obsessed, pull back & fix your head before getting back out there.

Love Me Long Time

Sooooo, Valentine’s Day 2021 was like last Sunday and lately it’s just been an annoyance…. I guess I’m not into the commercialism of it or of Christmas. For me it’s all about the feeling… of experiencing romance and intimacy, well and actually of being in love - to know you are loved.  I have never been into the “faking the funk” or wearing masks.  Either you is or you ain’t, there’s no almost or sortas.

I’ve heard people say, “If you have never been hurt by “love” you haven’t really lived.” Ehhhh you see, I feel like the person who came up with that rosy euphemism didn’t really understand the nature of Love.  Love ain’t like getting high and stubbing your tie. The truth of the matter is LOVE, real love never hurts… it’s hurting (and broken) people that hurt other people. We flawed humans have a hard time actually receiving and processing REAL Love.  Love is a DIVINE and pure gift manifested through fleshly hearts, self-less actions… and it’s nearly impossible to pass on something one does not have or has ever experienced.  People are often self-serving and tend to do what makes them happy until it no longer does.  And lately, what’s this thing of getting into a one thing for the meantime until something better comes along?  Some people change boyfriend/girlfriends like they change socks. I digress… lets move on.

Real Love is a DIVINE and Supernatural gift. To understand it you gotta go deeper than your feelings.  Saint Paul was divinely inspired when he described love as:  

1.        Love never stops loving

2.       Love is large and incredibly patient

3.       Love is gentle and kind

4.       Is not jealous or puffed up

5.       Does not shame or disrespect others

6.      Love does not seek its own honor

7.       Love celebrates honesty and doesn’t love what is wrong

8.      Love is a safe place of shelter

9.      Love never stops believing the best for others

10.   Love NEVER FAILS

Now, now I hear you… who can do all that? And my answer to you, one flawed individual to another… is NO BODY CAN LOVE THAT WAY. In fact, I think we should just stop using the word LOVE altogether until we HOOK UP TO THE SOURCE. Honestly, you have to have LOVE LIVING inside of you. I’m not just talking about being inspired… You have to submit to love, be subject to it, be vulnerable and be obedient to it (correction: to HIM). Love is a Spirit, He’s Real, He talks, He instructs, He corrects, and He directs. Without a relationship to LOVE, love cannot be figured out.  Love is something we (every human being) needs.  It’s part of the foundation built from the loving interactions between parent and their child.  This is particularly important between the ages of birth to _____.  And it’s vital that a child gets what they need at this developmental stage… if not it becomes a DEFICIENCY NEED. And that vacuum never stops sucking. This child goes from one relationship to the next looking, looking, looking for love (one that will last.)

Clearly, so many of us trying to love (in a fleshly way) did not receive the proper LOVING foundation.  And so, as adults we are left to figure out what we missed.  It seems to be a common problem… How to fix those cracks, holes, the vacuum for love in  our SOULS so that we can LOVE RIGHT…

These sources can help:

Book: Soul Care: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

Website: Love is Respect

FML Part 4: Broken Cookies

How old were you when you first did the do? By “the do” I mean had sex? Oh yeah, I’m getting right to the point this week. At first, I was going to make this blog post about money and being broke. The word “broke” as you may or may not know is slang that means “having no money.” It refers to a smashed piggy bank with its contents poured out. Not to be compared to with BROKENNESS. I do have lots to say about money, the poverty mindset, and the ridiculous amount of power we give money over our lives, that’ll come next week. BUT… because I’m feeling a bit snarky at the moment, I’ve changed my mind. This little talk is going to be about SEXUALITY, abstinence, and virginity (or loss thereof.)

I’m not sure how transparent I want to be with you regarding my own cookie-breaking experience… although I do feel my story is an important one (and so is yours.) Let me suffice it to say I was very very very young when I first had sex. I can talk about it now because I’m too old to get in trouble, lol. Not unlike most peer pressure stories, I was trying to fit into a small group much older than myself. Most believers will quote the “Thou Shall Not’s” of fornication, but in PRACTICALITY the real reason for not having sex when you’re too young for a lasting committed relationship … IS THE BURN! And by the burn, I’m not talking about a social disease… I mean HORNY-ness. Breaking the cookie for the first time is like opening Pandora’s box, uh literally.  It starts a fire that must be quenched. Simply put, sex was originally intended to be a divine glue that through desire, passion of orgasmic expression to transform two people (that belong to each other) into one person (complete unity in spirit, emotionally, and in purpose). That is why breakups, when sex was the norm, are so difficult because is like an amputation. Sex taken in the right context is good! However, when SEX is USED, it can be very damaging. Think of a raging unconstrained fire…

Nowadays sex is just a social activity, it’s no big deal. Sex has become so common… seems like it is normal expectation in dating. In DATING! I literally hesitate to say “before marriage” or “outside of marriage” because in the “world view” marriage is less popular than COVID! (smh) The “test drive” has become a real and necessary thing a prerequisite for choice-making. And I get it, I do… good sex is important. It’s both binding and freeing; both a flame and an extinguisher, a thirst and a quencher simultaneously. But the fact that society places more value on orgasms and fun, than it does on real connection, fidelity, and community is evidence of a moral decay.  The sad thing is lonely people often put themselves out there and date EVEN IF still jacked up from a previous thing. Knowing that they are not in the position (mentally or emotionally) to hold down a real relationship.  Baby if you’re broken… get your ish straight before bringing other people into your mix! OR BE HONEST upfront! I’m sorry (not sorry) but if sex is your main motive and you have no intention of having a relationship, it is your responsibility to let the object of your attention know - anything else is just wrong, I don’t care how you justify it.  

Whole people (with nothing broken and nothing missing) should do better. Remember the golden rule, “Do unto others …” blah blah blah you know the rest.  Let’s retool it to say:  Honor your SELF by valuing other people (everybody) as if they were an extension of your own person.  If you aren’t ready to deal with other people… don’t. If your flame is burning like that, don’t be shady find a SUBSTITUTION (side-eye) … I’m sure you know what I mean. Happy endings are best when you’re in a focused, committed, joyous relationship that has purpose. (Notice I said joyous and not happy) see previous blog post: FML 2: Unhappy

Decide today, I have, not to accept any more broken cookies. Either come whole or stay at home. That’s all I got to say. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT!!! The most important part! How to FML (FIX My Life)… You’ve given a piece of your SELF to every person you’ve had sex with and they’ve with you. So imagine giving&receiving with 10, 20…. 100 sexual partners. Talk about BROKEN COOKIES (and crumbs) yikes! To be WHOLE (and happy) you must reclaim all those pieces, and break the SOUL-TIES, which is the reason you can't get over him/her - your souls are tied… the sex did that. If you need help click here, I got you!

The Booty Call

Its 12:30am Friday night/saturday morning and the phone rings. The sexy voice on the line starts with, “Hey Baby whatcha doing…” Its the BOOTY CALL!!! Now, for females accepting bootys is seen by the world as a negative thing, where as for men making and benefiting from a call is a beautiful thing. It’s the old double standard. Society has crammed women into a narrow box. We are expected to be monogamous, being chaise, loyal to a fault… you know, to be a good woman. And we are supposed to be good lovers… uh but not too good… She is meant to be a PARTNER to build with, ½ the foundation of a home, an upgrade.  Too many “hit-it-and-quit-it” encounters, according to the world view are shameful and therefore decreases her value.  (Fffffff… the world’s opinion.)  But let’s be honest when females want intimacy and sex and romance … and she’s been in the relationship dessert, tumbleweed town, cricketsville, whatever … for a while, anything is better than nothin’ (pretty much.) Yep she’s thirsty but does that make her a “hoe” or “COMMUNITY BOOTY?”

Except for the minimal conflict one may face while pondering the religious and moral implications of allowing the flickering flame to burn unconfined momentarily, sex outside of marriage (which isn’t what it used to be) has become a satisfaction-driven instantaneous act. Hookin’up, Just chillin’ are acceptable social activities.   

But and I dare ask, what does sex (every once in a while or even frequently) do for and to a woman’s spirit, her mind, and emotions?  We all know what the bible says about “fornication,” adultery and sex outside of marriage… puts you on the path to HELL, true… but honestly how much weight does “someday in the sweet by and by” (or not) have on the pains of here and now?  Here’s a churchy question: Would you trade sweet eternity for temporary physical bliss? Don’t answer that… instead let’s get real…

What does the woman giving up the booty want? I would venture to say, she wants to be loved. That’s an oversimplified answer but the real question is - to what level is she willing to go in order to FEEL loved? The giving-of-sex-hoping-for-love thing will always be present, where there is BROKENNESS (and there are plenty of sharks following that blood trail.) Fix the brokenness and transform your prospective. Love is so much more than a hump and a pump.   

So, what about the No Strings, No Drama kind of girl making the booty call? She’s just like the rest of us, but in denial. She has a wall that says if I don’t connect, I won’t get hurt.  But it takes effort to have and maintain something that is real in order to make it last.  See that white picket fence, enclosing a beautifully manicured yard? How do you think it got that way, osmosis? Uh no… sweat, pulling, digging, planting, watering… connection and care.  You want sex but not love… something is broken, missing or both.  Fix that and you will transform who you are, how you approach love and also live life.  Don’t be fooled, love isn’t love until you give, for real.  Every time you give of yourself with a BOOTY CALL, you have to do damage control. You must readjust your heart, your prospective and your expectations. You must learn to NOT WANT, what you really do and what you NEED. The Booty Call is a game - a game that shreds the SELF piece by piece. Aren’t you tired of playing yet? When I said “Fffff” the world’s opinion, I meant that! It’s not what the world thinks about who you are & what you do… Its about how you see and treat yourSELF. What’s your worth, “$5.99 or something like that”? (Nod to Jill Scott). Next time you’re feeling a little spark and at midnight the phone goes RING-RING… RING-RING… RING-RING

What you gonna do? For more info on re-building the SELF click here.