Catfishing

When I say “CATFISH” what comes to mind? I think of Nev Shulman (and Max) and MTV Docu Series, which, I think established a new definition in dictionaries as: “A fake or stolen online identity created or used for the purposes of beginning a deceptive relationship.”

Basically it’s creating a whole persona, online, to fool people into saying “yes.” Time after time we saw one victim after another needing help to connect with someone real. After “falling in love” online. And sometimes victims were involved for yeeeeears, smh. Until seeking help from counselor and connection maker Nev who would come in and try to order from the mess. Usually it was one self-esteem deficient person perusing to find some unsuspecting desperate person looking for and needing a real and meaningful relationship. This is the picture of the “catfish” and their victim. Whatever reason the catfish gave for doing what they were doing, deceiving others, the real answer always turned out to be brokenness (whether they saw it or not.) Sometimes it took awhile. But the victim was always, always destroyed.

When people create their “Representative” it’s because they don’t love who they are. And because of that basic truth they carry the hurt and anger from a pivotal Rejection/Abandonment situation into every new relationship they get into. What they fail to understand, is that it’s not their looks that runs people away… it’s how they act, process and respond to others out of their unresolved pain. It’s the brokenness that has filled their character with a black hole that sucks and sucks until it’s filled (aka the vacuum need.)

Let me say this as plain as I can… Catfishing is deceptive. Bottom line, you are lying. And the first person you’re lying to is YOURSELF. Respect and honor yourself by discovering the beauty you posses. You are worthy of love and respect, but if you don’t know why… why should anybody else? Love can only come from a healthy heart. And if you just can’t get there get help, uh from a professional, not your bestie. It’s time to stop hiding behind a lie, a mask, a representative because they’re just band-aids. Band aids are meant to be temporary, they are not made to hold up an entire SELF-life. This kind of deception hurts other people, but mainly, it’s hurting you even more.

Listen there’s nothing sexier then knowing who you are and carrying it well. If I am whole and happy on the inside… it doesn’t matter one bit what anyone else thinks. Really it doesn’t matter. This space you become a magnet for all the good, solid, worthwhile things. I don’t care how fine someone is, if they are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN YOUR LIFE… like/love yourself enough to LET IT GO. This make room for what is supposed to be. When you have to work, and work, and deceive, and manipulate to get and keep a thing, it’s not for you. PERIOD! Life is so hard because most of the time we make it that way.

If you want to be happy and this goes for EVERYBODY, not just for people who catfish, look hard into the mirror and look at your life (on a regular basis) and if you don’t love what you see or how you show up… fix it. But use reality not fantasy to improve your life. Genuine and authentic is always better (and more dependable) than a fake. It is what it is. In fact, if you can’t say and mean “I am who I am, I like me… you don’t have to” then you’ve got lots of SELF work and discovery to do.

And I can help. The first thing to do is pick up your copy of 4SELF 101 (its for the teenager in you.) Lets pull it together, it’s time to “GET YOUR LIFE” and take over the world (in your own way.) There are people out there that can’t wait to know the real you.

Swipe Right

Online dating drives me NUTS!!! You want to be kinky, debased, or just want to “hook up” you can find practically anything online.  But if you’re a nice girl or an average guy, who just wants to be meet someone with whom they are compatible to have fun, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. They say it’s all about the numbers, baby…  But it’s like being a used car on a car lot.  If you have enough of the features people are looking for it’s a SWIPE RIGHT but if you are too tall, or too fat, or too old, or too grey, not blond enough, you get SWIPED LEFT. If you struggle with low-self-esteem just be ready for rejection, games, ghosting, etc.

So, a huge part of it is “slot-filling.”  What I mean by this is when people are just tired of being lonely so they connect with the one who ticks off most items on their “must have” list.  And there seems to be a lot of people that “pick this one “for the meantime” just so they can stop feeling lonely and then they drop ‘em and move on when they find something “better,” often times without letting the previous person know.  That sucks! What would the dating landscape look like if people took their time and actually considered other folk’s feelings while playing the game.  But some people are actually out here seriously looking, searching, and hoping to find something real and lasting.

Another issue is “PREFERENCES” aka The List. I’m hard on people when it comes to putting preferences above character and connection because the truth is…. I get offended when you are looking at my breasts instead of hearing what I have to say.   Quality people don’t get play if they have lumpy butts, a mid-section or cellulite. Well and that’s why women are obsesses with Spanx, waist trainers, eyelashes, and weaves.  Now in the defense of shallow people everywhere I have to say… I used to be guilty of “sticking to my type.  And I had a lonnnnnnnng list if must haves (78 items) and then I GREW UP (took my head out of my … you know what) and realized … this freakin’ person DOES NOT EXIST! If you are a Christian, you have no business at all judging people by their outward appearance…. NONE! Sure, you should have an attraction for your life mate, but if  outwardness is more important than inward quality (their spirit, intellect, motivations, calling, etc.) - Your priorities are jacked, and your situation will be too. Another thing if you’re looking for mating but not thinking about investing your life… That’s a real problem. That right there… will lead somewhere you don’t want to go and keep you for longer than you want to be there.  Don’t you get tired of unraveling out of bad situations?  If you do the same ole things and refuse to change… I don’t want to hear your mouth. And stop praying because God can’t even work with a hard heart (ya saw what happened to Pharaoh.)

So how do you make yourself open to more possibilities?

1.        Admit where you are having issues and fix ‘em (stop making excuses.) If you’re scared of connecting… you’re not ready to date

2.       Don’t take it all too seriously (you will go through a lot of frogs before reaching a prince.)

3.       Spend time with your SELF, and make up you mind what you really want

4.       Get an “Accountability Partner” someone who can tell you your Sh%# is stinkin’ if necessary and who will walk with and help keep you straight.  

5.       Strive to be open and honest with people you meet

6.      Come out of the box you’ve created for yourself and push beyond “your preferences.”

7.       Don’t jump at it because it glitters; everything that glitters ain’t gold. Make good choices

8.      Be in the moment, connect… not everyone you meet is meant to date

9.      Strive to know a person BEFORE you have sex with them (unless you want NSA and are honest and upfront about it.)

Have fun with dating.  Feeling obsessed, pull back & fix your head before getting back out there.

SOULMATES

Soulmate has a particular connotation. You think of one’s SOUL, the mind-space, the seat of the emotions and the place where your “will” originates from… and then literally coupled to it, is “mating. Naturally, the mind may veer off towards the “hook-up” thing, where lots of lonely people land “in the meantime” to quiet the inner scream, or dull the inertia behind the desire to find “The One”- The love of their life with whom they can experience something real and lasting and SATISFYING.  

I am, though, starting to believe the idea of “The One” is way too limiting! With this idea we are asked to believe that a single LOVE (the right ONE) is to be found and plucked like a needle in a haystack from over 6 billion people. Winning the lottery has better odds. Nahhhh, lets dig a little deeper. So… taking a quick right, I ran upon some stuff by writer Richard Bach.  He himself acknowledges the difficulty of putting in words what a SOULMATE is as he pinned:

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are [and known]… Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

But for me, Dr. Carmen Harra smashed the idea of “Soulmating” in her article The 10 Elements of a Soulmate (Huff Post, 2013) - she was spot on capturing it this way:

“Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.”

After reading the entire article, I’m now wondering if a SOULMATE is strictly reserved for a lover. Is it possible that your SOULMATE can be pletonic, like your bestie?  What I find curious, but altogether possible, is that a Significant Other can (and maybe should) be one’s best friend… yet I wonder where BEST FRIEND SOULMATES go when they have issues or challenges with one another or in their relationship. Certainly, they should discuss matters to resolve them… but most often people need to vent, and process and organize their thoughts before coming to a common ground for discussion. There are those who need to talk through their processes before sitting face to face with their mate. This is why even SOULMATES need outside friends/peers (a mentor or accountability partner) who objectively listens, offers wise counsel and who can walk with them if needed.  Though SOULMATES may spend all their time together, they should allow for this without judgement, fear or feeling rejected. Getting away even if only for a couple of hours is a natural SELF-care thing.

In all honesty I don’t think “SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW” for “The One” is a healthy thing to do.  First off, how many people praying to be “blessed” with a SOULMATE is actual ready to receive and hold onto one? People are flawed, for sure, and often carry unresolved issues, buried hurts, as well as hold unforgiveness, soul-ties, etc. We have some serious SELF-work to complete first. The scary thing is there are people on the search who are just in love with the idea of being in love. Being desperate to find or obsessed with the search for Mr/Ms Right puts you a negative mindspace that you must release yourSELF from in order to receive. Have you noticed nothing ever seems to happen until you’re done worrying about that thing? How many times have you heard people say, “I wasn’t even thinking about it and look what happened?”  Too many times to count… You literally have to release it and go on with your life. Just chill, don’t worry about it, FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE and when its time, the manifestation of your prayer will happen.  

It is so easy to become jaded in your disappointment and shut down. But don’t shut down, and don’t close your heart. The minute you do that, doors to the opportunities you’ve been waiting for also close. And if you notice, that’s when negative thoughts and words begin to shape your reality.  My Momma used to say “A closed mouth can’t be fed.” Imagine the result of a closed mind and heart?  I’mma leave that right there…

For the next couple of weeks we will explore SOUL-care so that when your SOULMATE does arrive they will find in you a lavished playground to explore! In the mean-time if you find yourSELF “boiling dry,” super depressed and lonely, feeling closed off, cannot re-focuss or release… Click Here, I got you.