The Oasis

Raise your hand if you watched the Harry Potter Series. Do you remember the train to Hogwarts? The location was in a space between spaces? Students had to run THROUGH a wall to get there. Hold that picture in your mind for just a moment. Now think about the imaginary fork in the road at the end of “Outside In” (my last post.) Left takes you back to the past, straight ahead changes nothing, or to the right leading to the Oasis for rest, respite and restoration. Of course, whatever your mind leads you to do, is where your reality is headed. So mindfulness is huge! And who knows more about, mindfulness, pathways to peace and enlightenment than the Dalai Lama? Buddhist have sought to use various types of Meditation to improve mental and physical health for over 2,500 years. Even tho, I am ‘one of those” (a believer) all people religions (or not) NEED SELF DEVELOPMENT (and deserve to be happy.) And I endeavor to provide knowledge from various places to create an equal opportunity for all.. Man, I wanted to provide stats and hard proof to confirm the benefit of Meditation, how it can impact the mind, emotions and even one’s life experiences. To be honest, I started with a Christian Neuroscientis whose work was on the rise connecting praise and worship to healing the brain… but her educational background didn’t support her work and thus it’s been heavily scrutinized. It seems the world needs scientific proof to be credible. So what I sought to make the connection between science and documented experience and this is what I found.

The University of Wisconsin-Madison released an article outlining a “convergence of spirituality and science” focusing on a series of meetings with the Dalai Lama (news.wisc.edu, 5/25/2001). Out of those meetings came others: Transformation of Mind, Brain and Emotion: Neurobiological and Bio-Behavioral Research on Meditation with Mind and Life Institute of Boulder CO. And Fifteen years later the same university completed a study and published a research-based article “Reconstructing and deconstruction the self: Cognitive mechanisms in meditation practice” which was featured in Trends in Cognitive Science (CJ. Dahl, et al, Trends Cogn Sci. 2015 Sep; 19(9): 515–523.) Using Buddhist and other traditions, the authors focused on different meditation processes which they grouped into 3 areas: Attentional, Constructive and Deconstructive. The Attentional process contained: Focusing attention, breathing, body awareness and “Mantra Recitation” and more. And what I noticed is ABIDE Christian meditation follows the same basic structure (plus or minus a few steps.) Either way you’ll find atmosphere and mindfulness. Lets take a quick turn for a second to a story, follow me now, I am going somewhere with this, I promise.

You the story of The Woman at the Well? I can imagine that she’s not unlike many of us, desperately needing love and attempting to fill a vacuum need… probably grew up on an attention or affection deficit home (maybe dad was gone.) And her lifestyle SCREAMED “thirsty.” Apparently she was a serial dater, and the other women coming to the well during the day no doubt gave her the stink eye and whispered behind her back. (“YOU KNOW THEY’RE HAVING SEX” she’s a hoe.”) I bet none of those married-up, 5 kids, double tent, and livestock having women ever bothered to reach out to this broken, vulnerable, lonely… needy woman. So, to keep down the drama, she started fetching water at night, until this one day… probably while dude #5 was laid up at the pad, she took her “thirsty SELF” to the well and up walked a man. Back in the day, over there men like that didn’t speak to women like her. But he asked for a drink, told her about her self, and the conversation changed her life. This was “The Oasis” in the midst of a very dry and thirsty land. Obviously you can’t go there but it this same Oasis does still exist. Its a wrinkle in time… and if you create the right atmosphere (through praise and worship), and your spirit and mind are lined up, this SAME traveler (who lives OUTSIDE OF TIME) will meet you there, just like he did the Woman at the Well. This is what makes Christian Meditation different from all the rest. The traveler is the One who actually made heaven and earth, Who is Omnipresent, Omnipotent and all knowing and if you answer the door where he is knocking he will take you on a marvelous journey to find SELF, to heal and change your life.

For Meditations check out ABIDE, and if you need help… I’m here for you, just CLICK!

Take a Moment

So, life comes, and it comes, and it doesn’t stop.  One perspective is that that is a good thing, the alternative is to not wake up… But stress, my God, is stressful and draining!  I’m here to tell you, raising kids as a single parent with little to no help is the ultimate definition of stressful. And for all of you in that position… hats off! Roseanne Barr said to (tv hubby) John Goodman in her sitcom yeeeeeears ago… “If your kids are still alive when you get home… I’ve done my job.” How hard is it  not to be a toxic parent when you were raised by one toxic parent or both? If this is your deal and you end up parenting strictly by instinct… you will also exhibit those toxic characteristics.  One must be intentional NOT TO BE what they grew up with.

I lived in “survival mode” for most of my children’s childhood.  Barely hanging on meant living by instinct… and now that I think of it, ironically, I behaved just like the mother that I didn’t want to be like… minus the alcoholism.  There were times I really, really did not like my mother.  And I shuddered to think that my kids may feel the same way about me, hhhhhhhhhhhh.  But now that they are grown, I am in a different frame of mind and I take every opportunity to discuss those days and beg their forgiveness.  Crazy thing is, I don’t remember some of the things that meant the most to them. But for their sake, I give all my attention and try to bring them a healing interaction. There are a few things I am still healing from myself… being defensive may be a natural response but it is not helpful.  Still, these are places even at 50 something I am still endeavoring to grow through. I don’t believe one should ever be stuck in the “That’s the way I am” place… for at that point… what is the point? Life demands movement, breadth, space, air, depth, passion and let’s not forget love, peace, and happiness (actually joy.) Want to know how to come back to center?  Take a moment.    

Schedule a little “me time.” Get somewhere that the sun can reach your face and sit right there. Close your eyes and breathe.  Stop your mind from racing and feel, feel the space that you are in. In my mind I see Shug Avery in “The Color Purple” stopping to smell the purple flowers or Jet Li pausing in the rice patty fields to get caught up in the passing breeze… Don’t miss those moments. Grab them whenever you can because they feed the soul.

Parents create the moments that elicit joyful giggles from your children. Play in the snow, roll in the grass, jump in the waves with them. Remember your inner child and bring it out to play with them every now and again. Here’s an idea… USE YOUR IMAGINATION. And here’s the part you should know… enjoy that time, because when it’s gone you can’t get it back. The residue of regret will always have its place. But love and live and laugh, and breathe and sing and dance like no one is looking.  Roll your bread into balls, blow bubbles thru your straw, eat a PB & J like a chu-chu train, make funny faces and tickle your kids till they almost pee. Why?  Because these things make you laugh, and laughter is like a medicine.  Get some… it’ll make you feel better.   

I See You

Remember that moment in the movie Avatar (20th Century Fox, 2009) when Nav’i princess Neytiri looked deep into the eyes of her human lover Jake Sully’s eyes and said, “I see you”? I usually find a line or two in every movie that frames it…. and that line simple but yet quite profound - did it for me. How many of us just want to be seen, but beyond that,  we want to be understood, cherished… valued? I think that’s everybody, according to Maslow’s (1943) Hierarchy of Needs.

Several years ago I took a class called Thrive. It focused on relationships and how the brain develops, or lack thereof, during the early developmental stages.  It might surprise you to learn how our behavior, desires and needs continue to roll on and even drive us to possess what we didn’t receive during our formative years.  On a personal level, I always “low-key” felt that the inability for people to show affection or make commitments was some type of disorder. Aaaaaaand I was right. Don’t get me wrong… the inability to maintain healthy relationships is a real thing many people struggle through (including myself, which is why I took the class in the first place).  Because this thing is multifaceted the roots run deep and spread out into many, many directions.   

The article “Understanding Adult Attachment Disorders” writer Nicola Davies, PhD lays it out so clearly.  She describes Attachment Disorders as “lacking the ability to connect with other individuals and form meaningful relationships.” She further mentions and I paraphrase, “For over 70 years Psychologists confirm that the ability to form healthy emotional relationships as adults is directly related to the child/caregiver relationship.” What this means, is if a parent neglected to connect emotionally (and physically) to their infant or child during the vital development years that literally  affects the brain’s growth in that area.  

WHY the disorder is developed:   

·      A child is constantly left to console itself (cry itself to sleep)

·      Child is ignored when they fall and hurt themselves

·      Parent seems annoyed when their child calls their name or wants to spend time

·      Very little to no Parent/child connecting, conversations, learning moments, affection, intimate moments.

There are other reasons why.  But the point is, in the absence of vitally needed interactions a child must depend on SELF.  They develop ways to sooth and comfort their own emotions and over time the child establishes an “I don’t need anybody” mentality. They crave a relationship but lack the ability to be attached or depend on others.  One might say, he/she is overly exposed but underdeveloped emotionally.  

Sure, not every parent is touchy feely, or comfortable with showing affection (it’s hard to give what you never received).  But this brokenness, will trickle into next generation and the next and the next, unless it is corrected.

Here is a simple fix: When you come across someone you care for… Look them in the eyes (with happy eyes), give them a REAL hug (not the pat, pat, pat, type) and let them know you are genuinely happy to see them.  What that does for you (and the other person) is this, according to the book:  The Life Model (James G. Friesen, et al, 2000) when we see each other and my happy-to-see-you eyes meet your happy-to-see-me eyes an energy is exchanged.  That energy activates the part of our brain and produces serotonin, which in turn gives you an exhilaration and feeds your soul.  They say, ‘The eyes are the door to the soul.” Each time you lovingly connect souls in this way, you heal the brain.  Try it and see how goooood it feels to be “seen”! 

Hey Reader (yes you)… I see you… and I am filled with joy, Thank you!