What I want

I cringe when I hear people say “Girl, I just had to give him a piece of your mind!” Although confronting another person in this way is sometimes necessary… It should not be “the default” way to communicate one’s feelings, hopes, desires and or injury. Simply because, by the time you get here… you’ve been holding everything in and releasing (getting it off your chest, becomes the only priority. This type of communication is usually aggressive and doesn’t allow the other person “to get a word in edgewise.” And btw, effective communication IS AN EXCHANGE (#give and receive.)

Before I get to the VITAL point of knowing yourself (intimately) and being able to effectively communicate where you are (emotionally, spiritually, future goals, etc.) let’s just go here… When you finally zero in to the zone you need to be in for success and you make those goals and set boundaries, there’s always going to be someone to challenge you.  And so that’s where CONFRONTATION rears it’s (sometimes ugly) head. Handling confrontation successfully is a matter of showing up, using the right language, and maintaining composure (no matter how uncomfortable it may get.) But it doesn’t have to be is a knock-down-drag-out fight, which people often expect when there a need for confrontation. Aaaaand that why they people AVOID them, but in doing so, things only get worse. Listen, confrontation often gets a bad rap, Dictionary.com defines it this way:  

“1) Meeting of persons face to face, bringing together of ideas, themes, 2) For comparison, or 3) An open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc., 4) IN PSYCHOLOGY SETTINGS: Confrontation is a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one’s shortcomings and their possible consequences.”

I feel like if people understood the power of this kind of EXCHANGE they wouldn’t avoid it so. Avoiding only makes things worse. Confrontation is an opportunity to clarify things, establish your point and get closure. If you present your message intelligently, clearly, with strength, in a way that your listener understands - while maintaining composure… AND THEN YOU LISTEN, and give the other person space to present their ideas, there should be no reason to repeat this hard conversation! But what I often see is the result of one person holding it in, until they can’t take it anymore and then BOOM!.

My mother was good for that! When something was done that she didn’t like, instead of shutting it down immediately and going on with her life, she’d just bite her lip and tolerate it, but it was bothering her… I guess she didn’t want to make a ruckus so she let it go on and on.  While she never said a word, each time the act occurred she felt irritated and frustrated and she let it build up and up and up (#bottled up). And once her bottle was full, she’d start acting out - slamming things, sighing loudly and being grumpy (probably hoping someone would ask her what was wrong.) But when she started drinking, we all know she was at the end of her rope… and because there was no more room in the bottle… SHE WOULD EXPLODE and go clean off!!!! Sometimes she wouldn’t even make it to the drinking part… but when things got on her “last nerve”… BOOM! Yeah, that’s passive aggressive… and that’s how people act when their VOICE has been taken away. Who told her expression was equal to complaining? My question to her and everyone who uses “volcano mouth” as a form of regular expression: “WHY WAIT UNTIL YOUR LAST NERVE IS EXPOSED to confront trespassers?!” Did you know our physical bodies were not made to hold onto fear, frustration, hate, anger, jealousy, irritation - THAT IS WHERE ILLNESS COMES FROM. So, you can see just how vital it is to identify and release negativity through effective communication.

TIPS FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION

1)     Know THYSELF and get whole (fix whatever is broken or missing - spiritually/emotionally)

2)     Distinguish the difference between your NEEDS and WANTS  

3)     Set your Boundaries and clarify “YOUR WHY” (purpose of your boundaries)

Everyone should not be privy to that information. Be wary of people who press to “understand” why you’ve changed what they’re used to. In most cases it’s an attempt to MANIPULATE and get you to re-negotiate your boundary line. Let your No be NO and don’t crumble! Distraction can knock you off the path or delay you forward movement towards success. .

4)     IMPROVE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

First things first, GET YOUR EMOTIONS UNDER CONTROL BEFORE OPENING YOUR MOUTH! Being “in your feelings” can cause you to say and do things you’ll regret. Pick your battles; don’t give energy to people and situations that don’t deserve it. Learn to use the words that effectively describe who you are, where you are (emotionally/spiritually), your future goals, and your boundaries. Be honest, clear, concise and confident. Don’t let things pile up on you, handle them as they come. Learn that different people understand things in different ways and use THEIR language when communicating with them. Watch your body language, your volume and sarcasm. If you’re not careful you could “lose folks” before they can really hear what you’re trying to say. AS you know, sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it

5. INCREASE YOUR RESPONSE REPERTOIRE

No more exploding, throwing tantrums and/or yelling as your DEFAULT ways to respond in challenging times (you may need to grow up, learn to listen, take a class or get counseling.) Whatever it takes remember  THE EXCHANGE of information is the point of confrontation. It takes a lot more strength to maintain SELF control than it does to EXPLODE and tear the place down. In the movie American Gangster (Universal Pictures, 2007) Denzel Washington’s character said: “The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.” Enough said…

My final point, remember WORDS ARE POWERFUL. They can bring life, or kill; open or shut doors, manifest good or bad. So increase your vocabulary to promote understanding and remember that sometimes less words are better. Take in consideration that everyone does not communicates in the same that you, so tailor your message accordingly. And lastly watch your SELF talk. Be mindful of the things you say to yourSELF.  

For more on Right Communication, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here.

“Nice” Sweeter than Honey

They say it’s much easier to get bears with honey, mmmm sweet is good. Ya know, one might use “sweet” and “nice” interchangeably as in “That’s a sweet ride” ... and you know it’s a nice car. But if you’re talking about people sweet and nice don’t necessarily mean the same thing. Anybody can be sweet when they want something and then behave in a nasty way once they’ve accomplished their goal. Ain’t nuthin’ nice about gettin’ got.

Word play is sexy, and I love how shades of one word may be shadowed upon another… like Nice and Kind. Is there a difference relating to how one makes you feel versus the other? Well “nice” is, according to Dictiony.com, being “Pleasing, agreeable and pleasant.” But my new favorite source Critical Thinking is a Cop (@criticalthotcop) Tweeted a very crunchy comparison this way: “Being nice is not the same thing as being kind. Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion. Kindness is actually giving a shit about people.”

Whaaaaaaat?!!!! Quick! What do we know about nice people… “They always finish last” That’s what people say, though It’s not necessarily true (sounds like a death sentence.) I’ve never taken “being nice” as a negativism before… until well, just now. “Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion” ???… whyyyy, I’m almost offended. But what I’m feeling forces me to look at myself in a way I haven’t before. That’s what a “good word” does… Shakes and challenges you to SELF-assess, again and again. I hope my writings motivate you to do the same. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, aaaand it pains me to say it, but she’s right. I have used niceness as a defense mechanism practically all my life without realizing it.

I grew up in domestic violence. It’s not a laughing matter but we used to call them “Saturday Nite Fights.” First there was arguing, and then at the stroke of midnight, ding ding ding, the knock-down-drag-out fighting between my mother and stepdad began. “Pop” was (and still is) one of the most chilled people in the whole world. I felt like Mom bullied him and it made me sick to my stomach. I thought if she were just nicer, most of this bull$#%t would go away. Back then I didn’t yet understand that hurting people hurt people… and the more desperate they feel the more pain they inflict on others. So, I made an inner vow “to be nice., which I subconsciously stuck to even when the Ghetto Diva needed to show up, lol. My display of weakness was not being nice, or having a tender/sensitive heart, it was PASSIVITY, which was expressed through PEOPLE PLEASING. Most nice people don’t want to hurt other people or let them down… but I promise you when people are “overly nice”… there’s a “monkie” (aka inner hurt) lurking somewhere. Monkies can make it nearly impossible to 1). Stand up for yourself, 2) Correct other people when they wrong you and 3) To Just say NO.

The point is, being nice (as they say… to a fault) is a literal STRATEGY (your monkies use to help you) AVOID rejection and hurt. Phewwww, that’s deep ain’t it? The funny thing is… I found out being super-nice doesn’t make others respectful you… it pretty much gives jerks a green light for abuse. NOTE: People will treat you the way you LET THEM. There comes a time for considering yourSELF above others, because sometimes no one is coming to rescue you. And believe it or not, there are times you MUST BE (not aggressive, but) ASSERTIVE. You don’t have to be rude, but know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting what you’ve paid for.

How do you get there? You get to the root of your “NICE” behavior. There are other steps that I can help you with, but the last thing is … FORGIVE yourSELF for being too nice and allowing other people to cause you pain because if it. Start standing and speaking up… practice it. Address issues head on (at the time of offense if possible) don’t AVOID them, because holding it in only makes “NICE” people passive aggressive (and that’s yucky.)

For more info on Monkies, People Pleasing and SELF-care get your copy of 4SELF 101 (It’s not just for teenagers.) Click Here.

NEXT WEEK:  PART II: What happens in the DARK “Naughty or Nice”