Bae Goals

Ok, scooch up real close and let me tell you a secret. Fulfillment doesn’t happen by chance.  You’ve got to put some thought and WORK into differentiating your wants from your needs. My question to you is “How do you get what you need if you’re clueless?” If you want a good, better, or best relationship, ya gotta know what you want and need. And I recommend knowing BEFORE you jump into one. Don’t be a control freak but don’t settle for less than what you want or more than you can handle either.  

Remember that 78 item “What I want in a Man” list I made, and justified making?  I can admit now, there was a little bit of neuroticism and a lot of FEAR behind my whole listy list episode.  Truthfully, it was more about  WHAT I DIDN’T WANT more than it was clarifying what I did. Why is that important to see the fear? Because anything you do out of fear will torment you, or come back to haunt you. I am a firm believer that you get whatever you meditate on and talk about ESPECIALLY those  “never again” “I definitely don’t want” “hell will freeze over before..,” type of things we rant about. The more you worry and speak on these things… the more negativity you call to yourSELF. But the very fact that there is FEAR, a lump in your throat, a tumbling stomach or anger/bitterness when you talk about those things means you have UNRESOLVED ISSUES (aka baggage.)

 And if you have baggage, its unwise to start something new until you’ve rid yourSELF of it. Lean in and let me tell you this…If you’re not over your ex (still have soul ties, hurt or unforgiveness)  YOU’RE NOT CAPABLE OF HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Admit it, you’re just not ready to date… sit on down somewhere before you hurt yourself or someone else (hurting people, hurt people.) Admitting is half the battle and then you’ll have some SOUL CARE to complete before you are ready for whatever is next.  Until then Uh-uh… don’t try it. Choosing right and pacing yourSELF is more important than you know.

Commitment Phobic  (C/P) people are definitely “pieces of …. work”  (thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you? lol.)  Clearly you never can judge people because you don’t know what they’ve been through but …. anyone who manipulates others for involvement, and resists conversation about their intentions has something broken or missing. I get some people don’t have the capacity or skills to maintain a long-term relationship, but running and avoiding points to a much deeper issue. Those folks who primarily “go with the flow” have no intentions. Anyone who is unable of articulate their intentions or set expectations at the beginning is more than likely looking for a feel-good, keep it loose time.  If that’s not what you want… don’t settle for it.  Be clear and be plain, and except nothing less than that. I’m hear to tell you, games get old.  I’ve seen so many games in my life… I’m like “You can’t play a playa - cause I’m up on the game.” But I honor other people. If they want to play games have at… just not over here, Playa. And that is how I honor myself… by not being for the okie doke.

Best SELF-Care Suggestions

1.       Spend time and get to know yourSELF, discover your wants/needs, likes/dislikes, negotiables/Non-negotiables

2.      Be open and in the moment, compromise if you must but don’t settle

3.      Look for connection, compatibility and chemistry, not items on “The List”

4.      Invest equal energy (that way you won’t get used)

5.      Don’t give (or accept) treasures too fast (This ain’t a layaway)

6.      Never try to change or fix people (potential is just that until its realized)

7.      Control your own pace. Never let anyone push you into going faster   

8.      Live your life, don’t wait for “the right person” to come along. Do what brings you joy even if you have to go alone

9.      Be Thinkful/Thankful (Think about all your blessings and be grateful)

10.  Breathe and smile/laugh (oxygen to the brain, and laughter is like medicine.)

My entire point for Bae Goal is to Love others by loving yourSELF first.  You are the Bae! My Dad says every heart has an “ear” in it.  Slow down and listen to your heart, find yourSELF, know yourSELF, heal yourself and prepare yourSELF for a healthy life, one you will love to live.  And guess what? You can’t … CANNOT … do it alone.

For Help, I got you, Click here.

SELF-Aware

I’ve been working on this idea of SELF-ology for over 15 years now. By SELF-ology I mean the science of Self-Development, as it pertains to strategically assessing and repairing the INNER PERSON and working to create a tailor-made holistic life that brings happiness. So many of us attack life from a place of brokenness, instead of living a life that is authentic to SELF, a SELF that operates from its highest best. It’s so easy to say focusing on SELF is a  selfish thing, but I scream … NOT SO! And here’s why… If you live to please others or are a zombie inside, you’ll eventually harm the people you’re closest you. We all have cracks (forms of brokenness) because we are human, nobody is perfect. And if you say you are, you’re lying, straight up. We’re all out here trying to survive, but surviving is not the goal… Truly Living is, happily, no more than that… SATISFIED.

If you’ve been tracking wit me for the last couple of weeks, we’ve been taking a SELF-ology view of Self-Development as based on the Hierarch of Needs (Maslow’s.1943.)  This is unique because even though we are all individuals, just out here in these streets trying to survive, lol,  We are all different, but at our base, we are all the same, Spirit (Life), Soul (mind, will, and emotions) and a Body. Who we are is pretty much in developmental flux from Birth to about 10 years old. Whether we grow up in a healthy environment that gave us what we needed (through parent/child relationship) or not determines what type of foundation we live from. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes which left us with cracks that we are still living with, be it known or not. And Imma I’m just gonna be blunt here… there’s no way to get to a “completely happy/satisfied life” with cracks in your SOUL. There’s just no way… There is settling for levels of happiness and faking the funk for the rest. But even that is a little dysfunctional, right? Getting what we need, making those cute little wrinkles in our brains have made a healthy foundation for life, but not getting what we need has left our brain under-developed in ways that created what I call “vacuum needs” leaving us with cracks (aka some brokenness.) And when damaged people can’t or won’t fix those cracks, they avoid, shut down (that zombie life), or self-medicate.  

So, we’re at the top level now:  Self-Actualization. Psychologists say this place is all about coming into your own, being the best you can be, completing all that you want to and meant to do in life... ARRIVING! And may I say, not everyone fully accomplishes this level in their lifetimes.  I think it was Dr. Myles Monroe who said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it’s filled with unrealized goals and unfulfilled dreams.”

Writer Kendra Cherry comes up with “9 Characteristics of Self-Actualized People” in her article (verywellmind.com) including Being Realistic, Problem-Centered, AUTONOMOUS, Enjoys solitude and privacy, have a philosophical sense of humor, are spontaneous, and Enjoy the Journey.  While I agree with her bottom line, I feel like the part of HOW you get there is missing.  Her answer is an example of what a WHOLE SOUL looks like but it’s kinda like the chicken and the egg argument. Truthfully But, if you really want to get to the heart of Self-Actualization you have to go deeper than LOOKS.

Let me cut to the chase it’s almost impossible to get the most of life if you are not whole (nothing broken and nothing missing.) It’s like trying to eat an orange for the first time.  It smells so good, but how do you get to the good stuff? Well, if you did the most obvious thing and bit into it… you would get orange-peel in your mouth, yuck! Take it from someone who knows, ya peel it, stick your thumb in the end separate the slices and then bite and enjoy. Mmmmm. Sometimes you just need someone who knows to help.  And what I know is, Self-Actualization is more than experiences, it’s a spiritual journey, an awakening. Truly living life is not about arriving at a destination, it’s about learning and about using all your senses to enjoy the trip.  Like on any trip you need a few things: 1) Purpose / Destination, 2) Safe shelter, 3) Companionship, 4) Thoughtfulness/Awareness and 5)The Satisfaction of getting there. Ain’t life just like that? Look closely at the list of things, it’s all 5 of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have to say it, Self-Actualization is a LIFETIME journey and the best map you could ever have is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.  It’s really a person and not a thing. The funny thing about Complete and Total Self-Actualization is… Once you’ve “Arrived” it’ll soon be time to go to the next place.

Shattered and Unworthy

So, we’re on this Self-Development journey together you and me… and I want to get naked (up close and personal) figuratively speaking, lol. I wanna share part of my story.  (Someday I would love to hear yours too.) I love getting compliments.  It makes me giggle when people tell me I’m pretty. But the truth is, I’ve got good genes.  My mother was a beautiful queen, classy, sassy, and fierce! AND she had a great personality.  Dad was “one of those Cross boys” … I’m pretty sure that meant “fine and popular with the ladies.”  He came from, I was told, a long line of “Rolling Stones”, men who were mostly married but had a tendency to wander.   

Whoever said “Girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their fathers” was spot on, even if they don’t know it. I’m shaking my head even now as I admit through tighly clinched lips, My Dad “is my type”… minus the “God’s-gift-to-Women” / emotionally unavailable part.

When I was “FLAWLESS” from the time I was 16 to about 24, I loved hearing “damn guhl you fine!” Playing it off with a crooked little smile, I didn’t realize it was feeding something deep inside me. Pschhh, I never have a problem with SELF-Esteem, until I got married and shortly after, pregnant. “Suave,” my young husband, was not unlike my father in that he was light-skinned, had a melt-worthy smile, tight bod, and charismatic personality.  An ex-gang banger and formerly abused kid, he was “Overly exposed but underdeveloped” emotionally. Had I taken seriously his offensive but entirely honest statement “I can’t be with a fat girl” I would’ve got the hell out of dodge immediately! But instead, I put on 60 pounds and true to his word he stopped coming home at night.  As a result, his mom put me out at 8 months pregnant. The residual feelings of rejection and abandonment left from my relationship with my father re-ignited and almost took me out. To top it off, people in our community kept reporting Sauvé’s way-wandering activities, including, according to one dude, ”seeing Rico on every street corner ‘macking it up’ to finer girls than you.” How’s dude gonna tell on Rico and hit on me at the same time…SMH. I can tell you that my SELF-Esteem life was on E (empty) and the light was flashing, flashing, flashing!!

Although my skin glowed, eyes sparkled and my hair was long, thick, and shiny, I couldn’t stand to see myself in the mirror.  I was literally almost twice the woman I had ever been, and I waddled when I walked. I was too much and yet, “not enough” to keep my marriage together and my husband happy. I was angry, hurt and so broken. But then one day God brought Ms. Teal, a lovely, feminine, godly woman, into my life, who restored my SOUL and loved me back to wholeness. Self-esteem, she taught me, was the result of knowing who (and Who’s) you are.  Eventually I realized, it’s not what Rico or anyone else thinks of me… ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT I (YOU) BELIEVE. Uh that’s why it’s called SELF-Esteem. You have to know for yourSELF that you are special, lovely, valuable and worth receiving the best in life (and in love.) I now can look myself in the mirror and say … “Guhl, you fine!” (and mean it.)

Struggling with SELF-Esteem often comes from:

1)      Deficiency Needs; not receiving the benefits of a healthy parent/child relationship

2)     Toxic Relationships and Abuse (Physical and Verbal)

3)     Lack of Identity

4)     Lack of Purpose

HOW TO FIX LOW SELF ESTEEM

ReachOut.com has a great article: “10 tips for improving your self-esteem” in it they say: 1) Be nice to yourself, 2) Do you, 3) Exercise, 4) Be the best version of you, 5) Nobody’s perfect/everyone makes mistakes, 6) Change what you can, 7) Do what makes you happy, 8) Celebrate the small stuff,  9)Be a pal, 10) Surround yourself with a supportive squad.

Good Read: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

For More information on Self Esteem check out my book: 4Self101

Need help on your Soul Restoration journey, I got you, CLICK HERE

Love Me Long Time

Sooooo, Valentine’s Day 2021 was like last Sunday and lately it’s just been an annoyance…. I guess I’m not into the commercialism of it or of Christmas. For me it’s all about the feeling… of experiencing romance and intimacy, well and actually of being in love - to know you are loved.  I have never been into the “faking the funk” or wearing masks.  Either you is or you ain’t, there’s no almost or sortas.

I’ve heard people say, “If you have never been hurt by “love” you haven’t really lived.” Ehhhh you see, I feel like the person who came up with that rosy euphemism didn’t really understand the nature of Love.  Love ain’t like getting high and stubbing your tie. The truth of the matter is LOVE, real love never hurts… it’s hurting (and broken) people that hurt other people. We flawed humans have a hard time actually receiving and processing REAL Love.  Love is a DIVINE and pure gift manifested through fleshly hearts, self-less actions… and it’s nearly impossible to pass on something one does not have or has ever experienced.  People are often self-serving and tend to do what makes them happy until it no longer does.  And lately, what’s this thing of getting into a one thing for the meantime until something better comes along?  Some people change boyfriend/girlfriends like they change socks. I digress… lets move on.

Real Love is a DIVINE and Supernatural gift. To understand it you gotta go deeper than your feelings.  Saint Paul was divinely inspired when he described love as:  

1.        Love never stops loving

2.       Love is large and incredibly patient

3.       Love is gentle and kind

4.       Is not jealous or puffed up

5.       Does not shame or disrespect others

6.      Love does not seek its own honor

7.       Love celebrates honesty and doesn’t love what is wrong

8.      Love is a safe place of shelter

9.      Love never stops believing the best for others

10.   Love NEVER FAILS

Now, now I hear you… who can do all that? And my answer to you, one flawed individual to another… is NO BODY CAN LOVE THAT WAY. In fact, I think we should just stop using the word LOVE altogether until we HOOK UP TO THE SOURCE. Honestly, you have to have LOVE LIVING inside of you. I’m not just talking about being inspired… You have to submit to love, be subject to it, be vulnerable and be obedient to it (correction: to HIM). Love is a Spirit, He’s Real, He talks, He instructs, He corrects, and He directs. Without a relationship to LOVE, love cannot be figured out.  Love is something we (every human being) needs.  It’s part of the foundation built from the loving interactions between parent and their child.  This is particularly important between the ages of birth to _____.  And it’s vital that a child gets what they need at this developmental stage… if not it becomes a DEFICIENCY NEED. And that vacuum never stops sucking. This child goes from one relationship to the next looking, looking, looking for love (one that will last.)

Clearly, so many of us trying to love (in a fleshly way) did not receive the proper LOVING foundation.  And so, as adults we are left to figure out what we missed.  It seems to be a common problem… How to fix those cracks, holes, the vacuum for love in  our SOULS so that we can LOVE RIGHT…

These sources can help:

Book: Soul Care: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

Website: Love is Respect

DANGER DANGER Hummmm

COVID, Covid, covid… COVID, I’m so sick of this mess that’s got us all turned around and upside down.  So many of us are home-school, working from home or victims of shut down, down-sized or altogether closed down businesses as a result of the virus. I’m using this example because its one pretty much everyone can identify with.  We all know safety and security become real issues when the money is funny. There’s nothing more “nerve-wracking” then having to be worried about losing your home, not having food or being able to pay the bills - due to lack of finances! I pray this is not our new normal… things have got to get better.

But imagine if you will, always living in “survival mode” that place of fight or flight heightened by the threat of losing what you have; the things that anchor and keep yourSELF safe and secure.  Have you ever been homeless, the state of not having a place to lay your head, or having a secure place for your belongs and not knowing where you next meal is coming from?  Living in the streets is not a safe place… especially if there are kids involved. They say “Living from paycheck to paycheck” means you are 1 paycheck from being homeless… now think for a moment what it’s like living in poverty.  Living in poverty, as we discovered in previous post “   “ imprints the Poverty Mindset on your internal hard-drive, which often controls your actions from a subconscious level.  But that’s with money. Lets switch gears to SELF-Development and that thing that causes us to live anxiety-driven lives on a regular… This anxiety is not the kind that makes you antsy… it, instead is like a low hum that never stops but is constantly ringing… until you deal with and get rid of it.

I love music, so I will use it as an example.  Have you ever heard a song that took you back to certain memories, like the song your Mom sang at bedtime?  Or for me it was the Disney songs me and the kids sang together while they were little. Experiences roll into our consciousness like those songs and they make us feel a certain kind of way. So hold that visual in your mind as we talk about basic needs being fulfilled or not and how those things either have prepared us or stripped us of the ability to function and have health SELF-lives.

In the previous post “Blah Blah Blah” we talked briefly about the Hierarchy of Needs (Maslow, 1943) and how words and actions between parents and kids help them to be healthy and ready for life and relationships or how it jacks them up. The experiences of a hurt child carry through to adulthood and require lots of SELF-work to reverse ESPECIALLY as when it comes to DEFICIT NEEDS. (Ya got to read the post…) So when a child’s deficit needs for safety and security are met by the caring interaction and communication of their loving, capable, kind parent, a healthy foundation is built. However, if a child’s world lacked safety and security (in any form) the need is left unmet and it becomes a sort of “black hole.” If the parent fails to meet the child need they must learn to cope, which they do by learning to “sucking it up,” self-soothe and move on OR by learning to do without, but while gratification is delayed anxiety continues to build. But this deficit need, this black hole is another vacuum that the adult must fill in order to be happy and complete. And in this case, the Anxious child becomes a Needy Adult. This deficit, however, doesn’t just affect relationships with people, it also affects the relationships that individual has with money and their stuff.” The blog post “FML Part 3: Just Broke” talks ) creates the same type of anxiety (or low hum) that causes need-deficient adults extreme stress when their finances are low and they can’t afford the things they NEED (rent, utilities, cell phone, car, etc) or they REALLY WANT (aka perceived need) such as iPhone 12 or other technology/toys, expensive clothes, “the one” etc.

HOW TO STOP THE HUM

1.       You have to find the hum, discover which deficit-need was not met (find the root)  

2.      Forgive whoever withheld what you needed (healing part 1)

3.      Connect with the Source of Life and get what you need (healing part 2)

4.       See resulting behaviors (the fruit) do the SELF-work to address/correct

There ya go… the SELF-work will take some time and intense intentional focus, don’t allow yourSELF to be distracted by bringing others into your mix.  However, you are already in a relationship, situationship or ENTANGLEMENT, I suggest being transparent with them about your process. The results of this SELF-work is quite SATISFYING, and healing.  It will, will, will bring you closer to the happiness you deserve.

As always, if you need help... I got you, click here.

Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis-ease

SOULMATES, how important are words and learning to “fight fair”?  Communication, though it can be very complex is vital to every single relationship, even the one with your SELF!  Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”? Man, that was the mantra for every bullied kid back in the day! And screaming inside their heads “keep it together, keep it together” while trying not to cry and run down the street.  But in truth the mantra is a straight up lie.  While physical cuts scab over and heal, damning words are “saved” on the hard drive of the psyche, and like a background script they run without you even knowing. Words are like seeds, so if you spew ugly, painful, insulting, insensitive language, especially to impressionable youths who are still developing identity, ya might as well be spitting bullets.  Many of us are still running the script and eating the fruit from the trees grown from the bad seeds and we can’t figure out why our lives keep glitching.

Psychological Needs, according to Abraham Maslow (The Hierarchy of Needs, 1935) is the most basic foundational need we all have in common. How do you live a happy life when your head is either messed up or not in the game? Don’t take offense, but  sense NO BODY IS PERFECT and most of us grew up in some form of dysfunction, we are ALL JACKED UP, in one way or another.  But words have the power of life and death and the actions that accompany them only solidify the message. And whatever the message good or bad, whether it meets our needs or causes a “deficiency vacuum” is the stuff we build our lives and identity on.  Let me give you an example: A kid was playing, and they fell and skinned their knee and began to cry.

Scenario 1:  The Mom, upon hearing her child, Timmy cry, threw the phone down, ran outside calling him by name as she grabbed him up.  She hugged him and held him for a moment and spoke affirmative, reassuring words as she helped him to his feet.  With great care she cleaned him up, bandaged his leg and made sure he was alright before giving him a snack and laying him down to rest.   

Scenario 2: The Mom saw everything but was annoyed that her long awaited conversation was interrupted by her stepson’s “clumsy” accident. Even though she could hear the child scream, she finished the intense part of the conversation and took the phone out with her and said (into the phone)… “This lil clumsy bastard, not watching where he was going crashed his bike. Yep, that’s him screaming in the background.  She then snatched him to his feet and dragged him into the house, slapped a bandage on, and told him to go to his room… all while continuing the phone conversation.

Psychological Impact

Kid #1 (Needs Met):  Mom affirmed that the kid is valued, important, cared for and worthy of concern.

Kid #2 (Needs unmet, and deficiency/black hole/vacuum created) Parent affirms kid has less value, is lower priority than phone conversation, Kid is a bother and is not loved/liked and is left to self-soothe.  

~~~~~

Although Scenario #2 is a little extreme, I’m just trying to drive the point home. Words are seeds that are planted and the fruit from the trees that grow feed us fruit for years to come.  The only way to get rid of the bad scripts is to reprogram the hard drive.  Here’s how you do it:

1.  Remember the Murderous / Wounding Words

2. Forgive the perpetrator (If you need help, click here)

3. Get some AFFIRMATIONS and say them aloud to reprogram your thoughts (and change your trajectory)

For affirmations or help plucking up roots and changing out your fruit… I got you, click here. For more information on Communication check out my book 4Self 101 Chapter 3

SOULMATES

Soulmate has a particular connotation. You think of one’s SOUL, the mind-space, the seat of the emotions and the place where your “will” originates from… and then literally coupled to it, is “mating. Naturally, the mind may veer off towards the “hook-up” thing, where lots of lonely people land “in the meantime” to quiet the inner scream, or dull the inertia behind the desire to find “The One”- The love of their life with whom they can experience something real and lasting and SATISFYING.  

I am, though, starting to believe the idea of “The One” is way too limiting! With this idea we are asked to believe that a single LOVE (the right ONE) is to be found and plucked like a needle in a haystack from over 6 billion people. Winning the lottery has better odds. Nahhhh, lets dig a little deeper. So… taking a quick right, I ran upon some stuff by writer Richard Bach.  He himself acknowledges the difficulty of putting in words what a SOULMATE is as he pinned:

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are [and known]… Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

But for me, Dr. Carmen Harra smashed the idea of “Soulmating” in her article The 10 Elements of a Soulmate (Huff Post, 2013) - she was spot on capturing it this way:

“Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.”

After reading the entire article, I’m now wondering if a SOULMATE is strictly reserved for a lover. Is it possible that your SOULMATE can be pletonic, like your bestie?  What I find curious, but altogether possible, is that a Significant Other can (and maybe should) be one’s best friend… yet I wonder where BEST FRIEND SOULMATES go when they have issues or challenges with one another or in their relationship. Certainly, they should discuss matters to resolve them… but most often people need to vent, and process and organize their thoughts before coming to a common ground for discussion. There are those who need to talk through their processes before sitting face to face with their mate. This is why even SOULMATES need outside friends/peers (a mentor or accountability partner) who objectively listens, offers wise counsel and who can walk with them if needed.  Though SOULMATES may spend all their time together, they should allow for this without judgement, fear or feeling rejected. Getting away even if only for a couple of hours is a natural SELF-care thing.

In all honesty I don’t think “SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW” for “The One” is a healthy thing to do.  First off, how many people praying to be “blessed” with a SOULMATE is actual ready to receive and hold onto one? People are flawed, for sure, and often carry unresolved issues, buried hurts, as well as hold unforgiveness, soul-ties, etc. We have some serious SELF-work to complete first. The scary thing is there are people on the search who are just in love with the idea of being in love. Being desperate to find or obsessed with the search for Mr/Ms Right puts you a negative mindspace that you must release yourSELF from in order to receive. Have you noticed nothing ever seems to happen until you’re done worrying about that thing? How many times have you heard people say, “I wasn’t even thinking about it and look what happened?”  Too many times to count… You literally have to release it and go on with your life. Just chill, don’t worry about it, FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE and when its time, the manifestation of your prayer will happen.  

It is so easy to become jaded in your disappointment and shut down. But don’t shut down, and don’t close your heart. The minute you do that, doors to the opportunities you’ve been waiting for also close. And if you notice, that’s when negative thoughts and words begin to shape your reality.  My Momma used to say “A closed mouth can’t be fed.” Imagine the result of a closed mind and heart?  I’mma leave that right there…

For the next couple of weeks we will explore SOUL-care so that when your SOULMATE does arrive they will find in you a lavished playground to explore! In the mean-time if you find yourSELF “boiling dry,” super depressed and lonely, feeling closed off, cannot re-focuss or release… Click Here, I got you.