The POWER of SELF-Love

“Self-love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. Make it full and your excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.”

Beau Taplin

You can’t pay anyone from an account with a negative balance how much more with love. (That’s mine.) We do some crazy things just trying to feel loved. Love is a thing you must already have on the inside to be able to give it away. I know sounds simple maybe even contrite… but it is soooo sooo true. Let me let you in on a little secret… and not all of you will receive this, but…

GOD IS LOVE. And you will never, never… hear me… ever experience love the way it was meant without Him. He created it, he knows all about it, and He knows how to instruct others to fully give and receive it. People who attempt to love without knowing God can be compared to entering a house through the window, yeah you got in, buuutttttttt… admit it, it wasn’t the best way, because it didn’t last. Real love lasts forever. You don’t fall into OR out of love. Love is a decision, a commitment.

I really want to be clear, when I talk about SELF-love (Philautia) I mean having respect for one’s self. I mean liking, caring for, protecting, catering to, occasionally splurging on, establishing identity and worth. But what I am not talking about is narcissism. A narcissist's whole thing is taking care of #1, first, primarily, only. But that is not AGAPE! That is a form of brokenness that can only be fixed through transformation of one’s spirit and mind (and forgiveness.)

If I were to ask you, “Do you love yourself?” Most people would say, “Sure, I love myself” but in all honesty have not actually taken the time to KNOW themselves. You look in the mirror and say I like this or I don’t like that about my body or hair… but I’m talking about the SELF, the real you, the inner man/woman. Go with me for a moment, yes… use your imagination. What if there was a knock on your door. And when you opened it found a very tall box. You drag it into the house and open it to find … A spot-on replica, a clone of YOU. After the shock and fear wears off you call it by your name and it comes alive. You spend a week with you, not tell me. Would you like, even love yourself? Or would you get on your own nerves, lol? What are the things you would do to make you fall in love with you? And could you handle it? Well clearly unless you can love yourself, it will be totally impossible to love others. The bottom line is, when you give and give from your account (your love bank) and you don’t get what you need in return… you have to make your own deposits.

Yes you can still love yourself and feel lonely. That doesn’t not mean you are alone. Go be with or Face Time people that love you and soak up their love. Go spend sometime with God, for in His presence you will find the fullness of joy and peace. Its the only place you can be YOURSELF and receive unconditional, limitless, love. And if you struggle to find your own goodness, and identity and worth… just have a conversation. You see, God knows you better than you do yourself and if you are open to hearing he will answer every question you ask. Here’s one that works: “God help me to see myself the way you see me? Its not off limits to ask: Why do I feel the way I do, or what wrong with me?” Or “Help me to love myself” Just get somewhere and be still, open your heart and give it a try... The conversations will change your life… I promise. In these ways you can LEARN TO LOVE YOUR SELF. Change your focus from looking for love to loving yourself. Get a journal to capture your feelings, hopes, prayers and dreams. Read books, talk to people, and practice, showing your own self the time of your life and before you know it, the love you’re hoping for will show up.

Books To Read:

Sacred Pampering Principles by Debrena Jackson Gandy

Esteemable Acts by Francine Ward

The Power of I AM by Joel Osteen

The Perfect Fit

We’ve been on this journey to discover LOVE, right? And when I really look at it, Love is quite natural the ELEMENTS. You’ve got Storge, Momma’s LOVE is like the EARTH it keeps you grounded... gives you a foundation and gravity. Without Storge, we’d be struggling with boundaries and just all over the place. Then you have Philio, the brotherly, friend type of love. It’s like WATER that quenches and refreshes the soul. Then there’s the FIRE of desire with Eros or Erotic Love. And now we are headed into Part Two of Agape which is like airs that sustains life (#WIND). 

Remember the creation, Adam who was designed, fashioned, and artfully sculpted by the Giver of Life. Hu”MAN”kind was beautiful and perfect in every way. And then the Creator and Father kissed him and breathed the breath of life into his lungs... MAN was completely activated and came alive. This a picture, the type, The Example of the 1st Love experience, and we all have had it in a similar way. Conception, gestation and birth pretty follows the same original formula since the beginning. Of course, science has made advances to overcome challenges in all areas from fertilization to birth. There's a passage that says:  

When I was being formed in secret, it was You who knit me together in my mother’s womb, and formed my innermost parts. I am skillfully and intricately made. Your eyes alone have seen my unformed substance. My soul knows quite well. When I awake each morning, you are still with me. This is PERFECT LOVE. When I was not yet what I am going to be... He loved me. We are Love’s designed. The right substances were together and then literally knit and held me together in our mother’s womb. And when moved from one environment to the next, given the equipment to adapt. On our birthday, we’re given the breath of Life, which goes on and on sustaining us everyday that we live. Now that’s love. Even if that were enough, there is soooo much more. Chiefly an unconditional, relentless, fiery, motivational, creative and sustaining, inhabitable love that satisfies, fulfills, takes care, shelters, protects, and supplies... Forever. You are right, no human being can give that kind of love. IT IS SUPERNATURAL. And although it is freely given (and available to all) the cost is more than you or I can afford. The good news is... the price has already been paid. You can find the map and instructions on how to find and get this treasure in the Bible, start with the book of John, read the whole thing. And don’t miss John 3:16. For the X that marks the spot, end with Romans 10: 9 & 10. Then it’s on you.   

The easiest way is not to run when you hear the “knock on your door” … the door to your heart. Trust me your day is coming, this One standing on the other side has your answers, but most importantly has the ability to fill your LOVE Void.  My question to you is... do you believe in REAL LOVE? I know, with everything that is going on in the world today, it’s hard. But it does exist. Get yours today. And if you need help... I’m here for you. CLICK HERE 

Oh heyyyy? The last stop on our Love Journey is SELF – Love, #Philautia. And you’ve heard it 1000 times... How can you love anyone else if you can’t love yourself. The trick to loving one’s self is to first KNOW THYSELF. And let me say, if you work hard enough, anyone can love themself, but my last question is: How can you truly know SELF if you’ve never asked AGAPE? So do that first and meet me back her next week for our last installment on LOVE. PS don’t run from this, it’s for your making.   

"Love"

Heyyy, sorry I’ve been away for a minute, thanx for rockin wit me. So today I’m starting a new series about that nasty four letter word… “L-O-V-E, love.

If I were to come up to you, look you straight in the eyes and say, “I love you…” I bet half of you would be “creeped out” and want to run and the other half might think sex is sure to follow. Why? I think it’s because there’s been a slow decay evolving love into some soupy, hot and nasty, goo that people are afraid to touch. And if they do touch it, they don’t want to hold onto it for any length of time because it may change their world in some negative way. The word love has become so common, it no longer holds sentimentality, honor or commitment of time or fidelity. In fact we do say, “It’s rare to find the kind of love that lasts for a lifetime.” I don’t think its hard to find that kind of love… I think it’s hard to find a person who has the capacity and fortitude to LOVE forever.

Honestly tho, we all have been born with a LOVE shaped hole in our hearts. WE ALL NEED (not just want) LOVE. And so many people who are impacted by loneliness go out looking for a way, a substance, something to fill that space. Its what I call a vacuum need. And its why dating sites are booming right now and bout to heat for real, for real with the holidays around the corner because loneliness is a real struggle when its freaking cold outside. OK, but the “Looking for love” part is a murky business, like a moat full of alligators – make a wrong step and you could be eaten alive. Surely you have catfish, and WHOREmongers looking for pray… wait, why did I just think of Killmonger from the movie “The Black Panther” (Marvel Studios, 2017) with a mark on his body for every person he’s killed? Well you’ve got those folks out there that use sex like that. Those are they that “get off” converting love into lust. In fact you can’t even watch anything anymore without some sort of sex in it. Sex is sooo common we hardly even notice that stuff anymore. That’s called desensitization.

Its funny, there are those who get… those who rarely get, and those who get got. But that is sex… not love. I mean sex is great but it’s become more powerful than love. Love is meant to last forever but it seems like the priority to FEEL GOOD has taken precedence over honor and commitment. The desire to love in that way has grown cold, while the prospect of various sexual experiences continues to get hotter and hotter. And that’s whats up when you’re young… but you won’t be young forever. Back to the “I love you” scenario at the beginning… I want you to do a little test. Ask yourself, what I would I feel at that moment and why? And then picture what you would you do? (And if you keep a journal write your responses down.) The reason I’m asking you this #1) it’s important to know about your own character especially regarding LOVE, and secondly it may point to some brokenness you may need to fix. Here’s the thing, most of us see “love” differently, and that is because of our experiences. If you’ve had toxic relationships you’re likely to see love as a hurtful thing. If you’ve been abused or hurt over and over again, you may have just turned off the whole feeling factory… just shut the doors, turned off the lights… like nobodies home. And for that person, love doesn’t exist. Love can be fickle, or a “many splendid thing”… but I suggest it’s not love that is jacked up – it’s how we handle it. Human beings have this tendency of defining things in order to them (and people.) And we’ve done that with love. Although love cannot be contained or controlled it’s not the wild fire LUST is. But we struggle to know the difference.

In the next coming weeks we’re gonna get down and dirty talking about love/lust and sex. Be here or be square… Same bat time (Saturday at 12 noon) and same channel...

Team WE

Okay, I’m not going to tell you how many relationships I’ve had, lol. And I have found the need-to-know question is how to keep your relationship SEXY. Dating nowadays looks real crazy… if you wanna know my opinion on SEX and DATING check out my earlier blog posts “Swipe Right” and “Booty Call.” But what does a real relationship (dating) look like? Well of course it’s different for everyone. There’s too much going on nowadays, SMH. As I said, there’s something for everyone online. As we grow and life changes it may look differently from time to time. For me, as a teen, I changed boyfriends like I did my hairstyle, and then as a young adult, I just had to be married. But, I don’t see people making long-term commitments like that as much anymore, which may be a good thing or… maybe not. There’s NSA (No strings attached) FWBs (friends with benefits), Monogomous, Polygamy, living together, and let’s not forget chillin’ and ghosting. But, who’s to say which is better. I guess it all depends on where your head is. For shits and giggles here are my 6 LOVE HACKS to keep your relationship SEXY:

BE STRAIGHT ABOUT YOUR WANTS: Do you like variety or have a 3 chill maximum? If you don’t want to be in a 1 on 1 relationship… Let me get out my magic wand- BING (there you go) You don’t have to be. Are Preferences primary: Eye candy, Gangsta, sugar momma/daddy, tall, thick, muscular, experienced, virgin, intelligent, nymph, freaky, missionary/vanilla, BTSM whatever it is, say it!. Be clear and honest.

BE AUTHENTIC and GENUINE (be honest): TRUST is a huge issue. People have trouble presenting the REAL in the beginning. Don’t send your “the representative” to seal the deal and then let the real you be known… silly rabbit… tricks are for kids. That’s deception, which usually does not go over well. Lies are just a symptom of a bigger issue. Trust me, there’s no way to have a REAL relationship that way.

MAKE/TAKE THE TIME TO KNOW : How many times have you “kicked it” with someone and then you discovered that you really didn’t like them? Meeting people can be tough, but being “thirsty” will take you places you don’t want to be. It’s a problem. Think about that ^%$# before you do it?! Yes, “People come into our lives for a purpose.” But that doesn’t mean every meeting is for a relationship or SEX.

DTR (Determine the Relationship) ASAP: FWBs generally end up wanting more, for that reason (that’s the thing about sex especially if it's good.) You may avoid some mess if you just talk about what you are both expecting from this thing… determine what is before getting busy. But the trick is first KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT! For every “good” person out there, there’s at least 5 ratchet ones. Question is, what are you bringing to the table? Be careful what you ask for. You might“want” a Rolls Royce but can you handle the maintenance? How bout putting away the wish list and just seeing people for who they are instead of rushing in.

Get NAKED (as often as possible): Naked doesn’t just mean without clothes. It means without covers, without a mask or a shell. Being vulnerable is tricky. But you can only be real, and raw with someone you trust. And you have to know a person before you can trust them. Getting naked means I can show you everything, good, bad, and ugly and you’ll still be down. If you are not ready to get naked, you may not be ready for a REAL relationship.

WATER YOUR OWN GRASS (and protect your yard): Relationships must be nurtured and fed. Believe me, your yard will be dry, full of weed, and surely noticeable if you neglect to take care of it. Discover your lover’s “Love Language” and love them in a way that makes them feel whole. Because if you don’t, believe me, there is always someone in the cut willing to do what you aren’t. Compromise is good if it’s an exchange.

And lastly… end your year together by renewing your relationship for the new year. It’s not only romantic knowing it a must.

REAL LOVE can be messy, takes a lot of work, requires trust, and deserves your best SELF … BUT it’s what we all were made for.

SOULMATES

Soulmate has a particular connotation. You think of one’s SOUL, the mind-space, the seat of the emotions and the place where your “will” originates from… and then literally coupled to it, is “mating. Naturally, the mind may veer off towards the “hook-up” thing, where lots of lonely people land “in the meantime” to quiet the inner scream, or dull the inertia behind the desire to find “The One”- The love of their life with whom they can experience something real and lasting and SATISFYING.  

I am, though, starting to believe the idea of “The One” is way too limiting! With this idea we are asked to believe that a single LOVE (the right ONE) is to be found and plucked like a needle in a haystack from over 6 billion people. Winning the lottery has better odds. Nahhhh, lets dig a little deeper. So… taking a quick right, I ran upon some stuff by writer Richard Bach.  He himself acknowledges the difficulty of putting in words what a SOULMATE is as he pinned:

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are [and known]… Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

But for me, Dr. Carmen Harra smashed the idea of “Soulmating” in her article The 10 Elements of a Soulmate (Huff Post, 2013) - she was spot on capturing it this way:

“Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.”

After reading the entire article, I’m now wondering if a SOULMATE is strictly reserved for a lover. Is it possible that your SOULMATE can be pletonic, like your bestie?  What I find curious, but altogether possible, is that a Significant Other can (and maybe should) be one’s best friend… yet I wonder where BEST FRIEND SOULMATES go when they have issues or challenges with one another or in their relationship. Certainly, they should discuss matters to resolve them… but most often people need to vent, and process and organize their thoughts before coming to a common ground for discussion. There are those who need to talk through their processes before sitting face to face with their mate. This is why even SOULMATES need outside friends/peers (a mentor or accountability partner) who objectively listens, offers wise counsel and who can walk with them if needed.  Though SOULMATES may spend all their time together, they should allow for this without judgement, fear or feeling rejected. Getting away even if only for a couple of hours is a natural SELF-care thing.

In all honesty I don’t think “SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW” for “The One” is a healthy thing to do.  First off, how many people praying to be “blessed” with a SOULMATE is actual ready to receive and hold onto one? People are flawed, for sure, and often carry unresolved issues, buried hurts, as well as hold unforgiveness, soul-ties, etc. We have some serious SELF-work to complete first. The scary thing is there are people on the search who are just in love with the idea of being in love. Being desperate to find or obsessed with the search for Mr/Ms Right puts you a negative mindspace that you must release yourSELF from in order to receive. Have you noticed nothing ever seems to happen until you’re done worrying about that thing? How many times have you heard people say, “I wasn’t even thinking about it and look what happened?”  Too many times to count… You literally have to release it and go on with your life. Just chill, don’t worry about it, FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE and when its time, the manifestation of your prayer will happen.  

It is so easy to become jaded in your disappointment and shut down. But don’t shut down, and don’t close your heart. The minute you do that, doors to the opportunities you’ve been waiting for also close. And if you notice, that’s when negative thoughts and words begin to shape your reality.  My Momma used to say “A closed mouth can’t be fed.” Imagine the result of a closed mind and heart?  I’mma leave that right there…

For the next couple of weeks we will explore SOUL-care so that when your SOULMATE does arrive they will find in you a lavished playground to explore! In the mean-time if you find yourSELF “boiling dry,” super depressed and lonely, feeling closed off, cannot re-focuss or release… Click Here, I got you.