SELF-Aware

I’ve been working on this idea of SELF-ology for over 15 years now. By SELF-ology I mean the science of Self-Development, as it pertains to strategically assessing and repairing the INNER PERSON and working to create a tailor-made holistic life that brings happiness. So many of us attack life from a place of brokenness, instead of living a life that is authentic to SELF, a SELF that operates from its highest best. It’s so easy to say focusing on SELF is a  selfish thing, but I scream … NOT SO! And here’s why… If you live to please others or are a zombie inside, you’ll eventually harm the people you’re closest you. We all have cracks (forms of brokenness) because we are human, nobody is perfect. And if you say you are, you’re lying, straight up. We’re all out here trying to survive, but surviving is not the goal… Truly Living is, happily, no more than that… SATISFIED.

If you’ve been tracking wit me for the last couple of weeks, we’ve been taking a SELF-ology view of Self-Development as based on the Hierarch of Needs (Maslow’s.1943.)  This is unique because even though we are all individuals, just out here in these streets trying to survive, lol,  We are all different, but at our base, we are all the same, Spirit (Life), Soul (mind, will, and emotions) and a Body. Who we are is pretty much in developmental flux from Birth to about 10 years old. Whether we grow up in a healthy environment that gave us what we needed (through parent/child relationship) or not determines what type of foundation we live from. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes which left us with cracks that we are still living with, be it known or not. And Imma I’m just gonna be blunt here… there’s no way to get to a “completely happy/satisfied life” with cracks in your SOUL. There’s just no way… There is settling for levels of happiness and faking the funk for the rest. But even that is a little dysfunctional, right? Getting what we need, making those cute little wrinkles in our brains have made a healthy foundation for life, but not getting what we need has left our brain under-developed in ways that created what I call “vacuum needs” leaving us with cracks (aka some brokenness.) And when damaged people can’t or won’t fix those cracks, they avoid, shut down (that zombie life), or self-medicate.  

So, we’re at the top level now:  Self-Actualization. Psychologists say this place is all about coming into your own, being the best you can be, completing all that you want to and meant to do in life... ARRIVING! And may I say, not everyone fully accomplishes this level in their lifetimes.  I think it was Dr. Myles Monroe who said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it’s filled with unrealized goals and unfulfilled dreams.”

Writer Kendra Cherry comes up with “9 Characteristics of Self-Actualized People” in her article (verywellmind.com) including Being Realistic, Problem-Centered, AUTONOMOUS, Enjoys solitude and privacy, have a philosophical sense of humor, are spontaneous, and Enjoy the Journey.  While I agree with her bottom line, I feel like the part of HOW you get there is missing.  Her answer is an example of what a WHOLE SOUL looks like but it’s kinda like the chicken and the egg argument. Truthfully But, if you really want to get to the heart of Self-Actualization you have to go deeper than LOOKS.

Let me cut to the chase it’s almost impossible to get the most of life if you are not whole (nothing broken and nothing missing.) It’s like trying to eat an orange for the first time.  It smells so good, but how do you get to the good stuff? Well, if you did the most obvious thing and bit into it… you would get orange-peel in your mouth, yuck! Take it from someone who knows, ya peel it, stick your thumb in the end separate the slices and then bite and enjoy. Mmmmm. Sometimes you just need someone who knows to help.  And what I know is, Self-Actualization is more than experiences, it’s a spiritual journey, an awakening. Truly living life is not about arriving at a destination, it’s about learning and about using all your senses to enjoy the trip.  Like on any trip you need a few things: 1) Purpose / Destination, 2) Safe shelter, 3) Companionship, 4) Thoughtfulness/Awareness and 5)The Satisfaction of getting there. Ain’t life just like that? Look closely at the list of things, it’s all 5 of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have to say it, Self-Actualization is a LIFETIME journey and the best map you could ever have is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.  It’s really a person and not a thing. The funny thing about Complete and Total Self-Actualization is… Once you’ve “Arrived” it’ll soon be time to go to the next place.

Love Me Long Time

Sooooo, Valentine’s Day 2021 was like last Sunday and lately it’s just been an annoyance…. I guess I’m not into the commercialism of it or of Christmas. For me it’s all about the feeling… of experiencing romance and intimacy, well and actually of being in love - to know you are loved.  I have never been into the “faking the funk” or wearing masks.  Either you is or you ain’t, there’s no almost or sortas.

I’ve heard people say, “If you have never been hurt by “love” you haven’t really lived.” Ehhhh you see, I feel like the person who came up with that rosy euphemism didn’t really understand the nature of Love.  Love ain’t like getting high and stubbing your tie. The truth of the matter is LOVE, real love never hurts… it’s hurting (and broken) people that hurt other people. We flawed humans have a hard time actually receiving and processing REAL Love.  Love is a DIVINE and pure gift manifested through fleshly hearts, self-less actions… and it’s nearly impossible to pass on something one does not have or has ever experienced.  People are often self-serving and tend to do what makes them happy until it no longer does.  And lately, what’s this thing of getting into a one thing for the meantime until something better comes along?  Some people change boyfriend/girlfriends like they change socks. I digress… lets move on.

Real Love is a DIVINE and Supernatural gift. To understand it you gotta go deeper than your feelings.  Saint Paul was divinely inspired when he described love as:  

1.        Love never stops loving

2.       Love is large and incredibly patient

3.       Love is gentle and kind

4.       Is not jealous or puffed up

5.       Does not shame or disrespect others

6.      Love does not seek its own honor

7.       Love celebrates honesty and doesn’t love what is wrong

8.      Love is a safe place of shelter

9.      Love never stops believing the best for others

10.   Love NEVER FAILS

Now, now I hear you… who can do all that? And my answer to you, one flawed individual to another… is NO BODY CAN LOVE THAT WAY. In fact, I think we should just stop using the word LOVE altogether until we HOOK UP TO THE SOURCE. Honestly, you have to have LOVE LIVING inside of you. I’m not just talking about being inspired… You have to submit to love, be subject to it, be vulnerable and be obedient to it (correction: to HIM). Love is a Spirit, He’s Real, He talks, He instructs, He corrects, and He directs. Without a relationship to LOVE, love cannot be figured out.  Love is something we (every human being) needs.  It’s part of the foundation built from the loving interactions between parent and their child.  This is particularly important between the ages of birth to _____.  And it’s vital that a child gets what they need at this developmental stage… if not it becomes a DEFICIENCY NEED. And that vacuum never stops sucking. This child goes from one relationship to the next looking, looking, looking for love (one that will last.)

Clearly, so many of us trying to love (in a fleshly way) did not receive the proper LOVING foundation.  And so, as adults we are left to figure out what we missed.  It seems to be a common problem… How to fix those cracks, holes, the vacuum for love in  our SOULS so that we can LOVE RIGHT…

These sources can help:

Book: Soul Care: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

Website: Love is Respect

Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis-ease

SOULMATES, how important are words and learning to “fight fair”?  Communication, though it can be very complex is vital to every single relationship, even the one with your SELF!  Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”? Man, that was the mantra for every bullied kid back in the day! And screaming inside their heads “keep it together, keep it together” while trying not to cry and run down the street.  But in truth the mantra is a straight up lie.  While physical cuts scab over and heal, damning words are “saved” on the hard drive of the psyche, and like a background script they run without you even knowing. Words are like seeds, so if you spew ugly, painful, insulting, insensitive language, especially to impressionable youths who are still developing identity, ya might as well be spitting bullets.  Many of us are still running the script and eating the fruit from the trees grown from the bad seeds and we can’t figure out why our lives keep glitching.

Psychological Needs, according to Abraham Maslow (The Hierarchy of Needs, 1935) is the most basic foundational need we all have in common. How do you live a happy life when your head is either messed up or not in the game? Don’t take offense, but  sense NO BODY IS PERFECT and most of us grew up in some form of dysfunction, we are ALL JACKED UP, in one way or another.  But words have the power of life and death and the actions that accompany them only solidify the message. And whatever the message good or bad, whether it meets our needs or causes a “deficiency vacuum” is the stuff we build our lives and identity on.  Let me give you an example: A kid was playing, and they fell and skinned their knee and began to cry.

Scenario 1:  The Mom, upon hearing her child, Timmy cry, threw the phone down, ran outside calling him by name as she grabbed him up.  She hugged him and held him for a moment and spoke affirmative, reassuring words as she helped him to his feet.  With great care she cleaned him up, bandaged his leg and made sure he was alright before giving him a snack and laying him down to rest.   

Scenario 2: The Mom saw everything but was annoyed that her long awaited conversation was interrupted by her stepson’s “clumsy” accident. Even though she could hear the child scream, she finished the intense part of the conversation and took the phone out with her and said (into the phone)… “This lil clumsy bastard, not watching where he was going crashed his bike. Yep, that’s him screaming in the background.  She then snatched him to his feet and dragged him into the house, slapped a bandage on, and told him to go to his room… all while continuing the phone conversation.

Psychological Impact

Kid #1 (Needs Met):  Mom affirmed that the kid is valued, important, cared for and worthy of concern.

Kid #2 (Needs unmet, and deficiency/black hole/vacuum created) Parent affirms kid has less value, is lower priority than phone conversation, Kid is a bother and is not loved/liked and is left to self-soothe.  

~~~~~

Although Scenario #2 is a little extreme, I’m just trying to drive the point home. Words are seeds that are planted and the fruit from the trees that grow feed us fruit for years to come.  The only way to get rid of the bad scripts is to reprogram the hard drive.  Here’s how you do it:

1.  Remember the Murderous / Wounding Words

2. Forgive the perpetrator (If you need help, click here)

3. Get some AFFIRMATIONS and say them aloud to reprogram your thoughts (and change your trajectory)

For affirmations or help plucking up roots and changing out your fruit… I got you, click here. For more information on Communication check out my book 4Self 101 Chapter 3