"Love"

Heyyy, sorry I’ve been away for a minute, thanx for rockin wit me. So today I’m starting a new series about that nasty four letter word… “L-O-V-E, love.

If I were to come up to you, look you straight in the eyes and say, “I love you…” I bet half of you would be “creeped out” and want to run and the other half might think sex is sure to follow. Why? I think it’s because there’s been a slow decay evolving love into some soupy, hot and nasty, goo that people are afraid to touch. And if they do touch it, they don’t want to hold onto it for any length of time because it may change their world in some negative way. The word love has become so common, it no longer holds sentimentality, honor or commitment of time or fidelity. In fact we do say, “It’s rare to find the kind of love that lasts for a lifetime.” I don’t think its hard to find that kind of love… I think it’s hard to find a person who has the capacity and fortitude to LOVE forever.

Honestly tho, we all have been born with a LOVE shaped hole in our hearts. WE ALL NEED (not just want) LOVE. And so many people who are impacted by loneliness go out looking for a way, a substance, something to fill that space. Its what I call a vacuum need. And its why dating sites are booming right now and bout to heat for real, for real with the holidays around the corner because loneliness is a real struggle when its freaking cold outside. OK, but the “Looking for love” part is a murky business, like a moat full of alligators – make a wrong step and you could be eaten alive. Surely you have catfish, and WHOREmongers looking for pray… wait, why did I just think of Killmonger from the movie “The Black Panther” (Marvel Studios, 2017) with a mark on his body for every person he’s killed? Well you’ve got those folks out there that use sex like that. Those are they that “get off” converting love into lust. In fact you can’t even watch anything anymore without some sort of sex in it. Sex is sooo common we hardly even notice that stuff anymore. That’s called desensitization.

Its funny, there are those who get… those who rarely get, and those who get got. But that is sex… not love. I mean sex is great but it’s become more powerful than love. Love is meant to last forever but it seems like the priority to FEEL GOOD has taken precedence over honor and commitment. The desire to love in that way has grown cold, while the prospect of various sexual experiences continues to get hotter and hotter. And that’s whats up when you’re young… but you won’t be young forever. Back to the “I love you” scenario at the beginning… I want you to do a little test. Ask yourself, what I would I feel at that moment and why? And then picture what you would you do? (And if you keep a journal write your responses down.) The reason I’m asking you this #1) it’s important to know about your own character especially regarding LOVE, and secondly it may point to some brokenness you may need to fix. Here’s the thing, most of us see “love” differently, and that is because of our experiences. If you’ve had toxic relationships you’re likely to see love as a hurtful thing. If you’ve been abused or hurt over and over again, you may have just turned off the whole feeling factory… just shut the doors, turned off the lights… like nobodies home. And for that person, love doesn’t exist. Love can be fickle, or a “many splendid thing”… but I suggest it’s not love that is jacked up – it’s how we handle it. Human beings have this tendency of defining things in order to them (and people.) And we’ve done that with love. Although love cannot be contained or controlled it’s not the wild fire LUST is. But we struggle to know the difference.

In the next coming weeks we’re gonna get down and dirty talking about love/lust and sex. Be here or be square… Same bat time (Saturday at 12 noon) and same channel...

Girl POWER

If the Girl Scouts motto is “Girls can do anything” it must be true! It is my personal belief that God created man as a reflection of Himself, but then so that Man would not be alone, He created still in His own image … an upgrade, known as WOMB-man aka woman, EVE. To Adam God gave A JOB, and the power of stamina, reasoning, and problem-solving, to complete it, aka MASCULINE ENERGY. And then gave him the physical capacity and authority to get ‘er done! (That’s so sexy). But to Eve (which by the way means, to breathe, to live, and to give life) he gave FEMININE ENERGY.

Neither Masculine nor Feminine Energy, are assigned to a particular gender, they are both sides of who God is. Masculine energy is protective, incredibly focused, linear thinking, creates solutions and is very pragmatic, and logical. Masculine energy is good at setting up structures, creating lines, and coloring within them. Whereas Feminine energy is creative, expressive, nurturing, good at cleaning out/purging, and is amazing with multitasking. But she has another special power and that is her WOMB. “MOVIE FLASH” ever seen “Harlem Nights” (Paramount Pictures, 1989) with Eddie Murphy, Redd Fox, Richard Pryor, Arcenio Hall, and Della Reese? There was a prostitute whose yoni was said to be better than “Sunshine” (paraphrase). You’ll have to watch it to know what that’s all about… Uhhh I don’t have to explain what a “yoni” is, right? … (bugged eyes, pursed lips, head tilt) A woman’s yoni is said to be the gateway of life, but also a portal to heavenly dimensions. Originally created to be a sacred, mystical place of healing, the garden of one’s life mate. Lately, though she’s more seems treated more like a ballpark than the sanctuary she was designed to be. Way too many bats in the cage, bases been run so many times ya can’t find home plate anymore. But… I digress. She’s more subject to “wham-bam thank you ma’am” situations thing than true intimacy. She’s the bountiful and divine banquet that has been reduced down to a “snack basket.”  

Women CEO’s pretty much have to “grow a pair” to “Boss-up” and gain the respect of men in order to lead them. I have mad respect for CEOs like Roz Brewer, Thasunda Brown Duckett, Michell Gass (Fortune.com) or Sami Wunder (also a blogger) who have obviously changed the world by balancing both masculine and feminine energy – and creating a more equitable workspace for all. Now that’s GIRL POWER IN ACTION (the feminine edge.)

From GIRL to WOMAN   

I told my son, “Having a penis no more makes you a man than living in a garage makes you a car.” That means stop playing around and get your life together. Either you are or you’re not. If you’re going to be a man (woman/grown-up) be a good one. Women, walk the walk of a ROYALTY be a Queen, get your “STRUT” on. Anybody can look the part, but who are you really? Nationally-published best-selling author, speaker, Master Life Coach (and my good friend) Debrena Jackson Gandy says be a “Juicy Woman,” which she defines this way:

“A Juicy Woman is committed to having a full spirit, clear mind, open heart, well body, and wisely manages her energy as part of her daily reality. The Sacred Self-Caring Consciousness is a NEW paradigm based in higher-dimension beliefs about her Self, God, her body as a divine living temple, feminine power, and abundance that create an experience of deeper joy, peace, ease, self-expression, freedom and FLOW-ductivity in her mind, body, spirit, relationships and life.”

So how does one move from being what I call “IN HER GIRL” to becoming a “Woman.” The Book says, “When I was a child, I acted like a child but when I became grown (a woman) I put away childish things.” Coming out of “your girl” means you no longer use the old tools immature women do to get what you need. You throw away manipulation, tantrums, or ghosting people when you don’t get what you want. Stop running into situations blindly using emotions or feelings as your guide. And STOP using “womanese” (language only women understand) to communicate with men. We are so hard on “babymen”, but we tend not to do self-assessments… If you are grown, it’s time to move out of “your girl” into Womanhood and take the world by storm! I realize if you’ve come from a long line of “Independent” women, (The I don’t need a man group) where you MUST BE both bread-winner and nurturer to survive, you may have to deal with some issues and LEARN to soften and come away from the instinctive “Boss-up” energy so that you can have successful dating relationships. Just know time doesn’t always heal ALL WOUNDS, there is no shame in getting help. Get closure so that you can move forward for real.

For “Juicy Woman” Coaching, let me introduce you to my friend Debrena Jackson Gandy.  For more information on Communication (and womanese) get a copy of 4SELF101 here (its not just for Teens.)

SOULMATES

Soulmate has a particular connotation. You think of one’s SOUL, the mind-space, the seat of the emotions and the place where your “will” originates from… and then literally coupled to it, is “mating. Naturally, the mind may veer off towards the “hook-up” thing, where lots of lonely people land “in the meantime” to quiet the inner scream, or dull the inertia behind the desire to find “The One”- The love of their life with whom they can experience something real and lasting and SATISFYING.  

I am, though, starting to believe the idea of “The One” is way too limiting! With this idea we are asked to believe that a single LOVE (the right ONE) is to be found and plucked like a needle in a haystack from over 6 billion people. Winning the lottery has better odds. Nahhhh, lets dig a little deeper. So… taking a quick right, I ran upon some stuff by writer Richard Bach.  He himself acknowledges the difficulty of putting in words what a SOULMATE is as he pinned:

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are [and known]… Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

But for me, Dr. Carmen Harra smashed the idea of “Soulmating” in her article The 10 Elements of a Soulmate (Huff Post, 2013) - she was spot on capturing it this way:

“Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.”

After reading the entire article, I’m now wondering if a SOULMATE is strictly reserved for a lover. Is it possible that your SOULMATE can be pletonic, like your bestie?  What I find curious, but altogether possible, is that a Significant Other can (and maybe should) be one’s best friend… yet I wonder where BEST FRIEND SOULMATES go when they have issues or challenges with one another or in their relationship. Certainly, they should discuss matters to resolve them… but most often people need to vent, and process and organize their thoughts before coming to a common ground for discussion. There are those who need to talk through their processes before sitting face to face with their mate. This is why even SOULMATES need outside friends/peers (a mentor or accountability partner) who objectively listens, offers wise counsel and who can walk with them if needed.  Though SOULMATES may spend all their time together, they should allow for this without judgement, fear or feeling rejected. Getting away even if only for a couple of hours is a natural SELF-care thing.

In all honesty I don’t think “SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW” for “The One” is a healthy thing to do.  First off, how many people praying to be “blessed” with a SOULMATE is actual ready to receive and hold onto one? People are flawed, for sure, and often carry unresolved issues, buried hurts, as well as hold unforgiveness, soul-ties, etc. We have some serious SELF-work to complete first. The scary thing is there are people on the search who are just in love with the idea of being in love. Being desperate to find or obsessed with the search for Mr/Ms Right puts you a negative mindspace that you must release yourSELF from in order to receive. Have you noticed nothing ever seems to happen until you’re done worrying about that thing? How many times have you heard people say, “I wasn’t even thinking about it and look what happened?”  Too many times to count… You literally have to release it and go on with your life. Just chill, don’t worry about it, FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE and when its time, the manifestation of your prayer will happen.  

It is so easy to become jaded in your disappointment and shut down. But don’t shut down, and don’t close your heart. The minute you do that, doors to the opportunities you’ve been waiting for also close. And if you notice, that’s when negative thoughts and words begin to shape your reality.  My Momma used to say “A closed mouth can’t be fed.” Imagine the result of a closed mind and heart?  I’mma leave that right there…

For the next couple of weeks we will explore SOUL-care so that when your SOULMATE does arrive they will find in you a lavished playground to explore! In the mean-time if you find yourSELF “boiling dry,” super depressed and lonely, feeling closed off, cannot re-focuss or release… Click Here, I got you.