Pandoras Box

Confucius said “Better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But, for the person who feels like less is more… you just may be wrong. There’s life in connecting with others through genuine and authentic communication. It ain’t easy, but it is worth it.

Note to writers: Please feel free to share a favorite word in the comments below (I need some word candy in my life). My word for today is RETICENT and it means quiet or restrained. Quiet people get a bad rap because they seem to always be “in their head” which does not necessarily mean that they’re “up to something devious.” Many brilliant people are not very talkative. In fact, being quick to listen or to observe others before putting yourself out there, is a form of wisdom. The only challenge is when people purposely “close off” their emotions (and/or communication) for fear of being abused or rejected by others. Emotions can be very tricky to navigate and hard to deal with especially for those who did not have a healthy space to observe, process and share them growing up. Likewise survivors of Domestic Violence, or abuse automatically shield themselves from toxic feelings and the negative reactions attached to them. When people are “emotionally unavailable” they can be either under-developed or overly exposed. In either case they may find it easier to protect themselves by putting their emotions and all it’s baggage in a tidy little box. They then store it away in a dusty corner of the soul where it’s protected from others by a little monkie called “hurt.”

In SELF-protection mode, some “cold” “unfeeling” and “passionless” people have literally boxed their emotions and become super reserved in order to control their outcomes. But what they don’t understand is the box not only protects their emotions, it also blocks the vitally needed things that are meant to heal and grow them. Yes, dealing with people can be messy and it often requires stretching beyond one’s comfort zone. It’s ok to be in the box for a minute, but while you’re there make the most of your time. Get some counseling, read some books, do a little SELF-care. Do an overhaul of how you show up for people. Did you know treating (or loving) people only in a way that makes YOU feel comfortable is a form of narcissism? A great book to help you with that is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Shifting your prospective to provide what others need instead of giving them what you want, could make all the difference in the world. And good communication coupled with actions that confirm your words is as vital to relationships as water is to a garden. If you don’t water, and tend your garden, you’ll get no fruit… in fact, all you’ve planted will dry up and eventually die. This next thing is a hard one… VULNERABILITY. Being vulnerable is really scary, especially if you’ve opened up and still experienced loss. Honestly, you can’t have anything real without a little nakedness (spiritually speaking.) Sometimes getting raw and real is what relationships need to progress (not just for dating) … all important relationships go there.

Sometimes listening, ACTIVE LISTENING, is sharing (sharing is caring.) If you aren’t sure what a person needs, JUST ASK THEM (and give them time and space to respond.) Don’t premeditate a response just be present and walk it out together. Expanding your response repertoire (gotta deal with the monkies first, tho) will transform other people’s ability to open up to you.

Now after all this, if you’re still in your box struggling - I want you to consider: Whats important enough to draw you out of there – your children, family, job, partner - how about life and joy? Once you have your “ why” … We (all your loved ones and basically the world) need you to COME ON OUT OF THAT DARN BOX!!! BE present, ready to learn, open, and willing to express yourSELF. Trust in the fact that what is supposed to be, will be and if it’s not meant for you, it won’t remain… let it go. Stop trying to control every outcome and you’ll be surprised by the unexpected blessings that’ll flow your way. Here’s a good start, practice saying these 4 things: “I was wrong and I apologize” “I love you” “I need help” and “I need you in my life.” Finally, learn to praise out loud. Express your thankfulness. And watch how your life change before your very eyes.

If you need help, as always I got you (click here). For more info on Monkies, Communication, and Self-Improvement get you copy of 4SELF 101 here (It’s not just for Teens.)

BRAIN ON CRACK & Monkies

Well not literally “Crack” but constantly thinking about loneliness and wanting somebody in your life can feel like fiending for a drug. Why does it STAY ON MY MIND? You might ask yourself. For the next couple of weeks, I want to talk about the ROOT and the FRUIT of this thing, I think you may be surprised …

It is far easier to be sucked into the will of our EMOTIONS than it is to stop and discover WHY you reacted (and keep reacting) this way. Emotions can (and will) control you if you let them. How many times have you said, “I can’t help how I feel”?  If the feelings DRIVE you to act a certain kind of way… you are UNDER the influence and control of your “monkies” (which sometimes puppet you through your emotions.) This especially true if you have asked yourself “why did I do (or say) that?” And your answer has been “I couldn’t help it, I just had to blah, blah, blah…” Yeah, you are … hate to say it, out of control.

Emotions are connected to experiences. The more traumatic the experience, the sharper the emotion. Trauma causes wounds, and these kinds of wounds cannot not be healed by time.  You’ve heard that saying… “Time heals all wounds”? That’s a straight up lie.  Let me tell you what happens when you leave it up to “time” to address your trauma, or “monkies”… The wound grows a scab on the surface, like it’s healing but every time it’s bumped there’s blood and guts.  The crazy thing is the SELF-protection mode is mostly subconscious and you may not (at times) even realize that how you’ve reacted until it’s all over. In one of the previous posts I talked about the “inner vow” which is a promise we make to ourselves to “not go” or allow others to “take us” there again. And it takes a lot of time and energy to guard that gate. Sometimes we go on year after year subconsciously guarding that gate and are surprised (or even frustrated) when we want, expect or hope for different outcomes.  That’s deep I know, but track wit me…

For example: You dated a fiiiiine brown-skinned, tall dude named Steve who turned out to be a verbally abusive womanizer.  You finally got sick and tired of being treated like crap… and so you decided never again (inner vow)!  Now anytime you see an attractive tall brown-skinned dude your stomach turns, and you run in the opposite direction. Why? Because you never dealt with the real issue and so you just automatically protect yourself from the “bad.”  

Because you fiend for a relationship and Steve is “your type” … Tall, built, brown-skinned and bowlegs are an extra bonus.  You want a sexy man, but your type is what you like and you have a right to like what you like right? And when you “settle” for something else you’re never quite satisified. Why is that? Well, I humbly suggest that your “monkies” have something to do with that… There’s so much more to the monkies… come back next week and we will talk more about this “relationship monkie” and how to get your power back.

For more on Monkies get 4SELF 101 (see chapter 8 “Hello Monkies.)

Naughty or Nice

Last week we talked about being “NICE” about sweetness, being kind and “Monkies” (issues.) Nope, I’m not summarizing it, you just have to go back and read it, lol. One thing I will say about “being overly nice” is… IT IS A MASK. Don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice person if its organic and genuine. There is a time and place for everything EVEN being “a little naughty”… But when you’re “overly nice” and you end up in spots you later regret or suffer for (over and over again) there’s a problem. For one thing, your SELF esteem takes a beating, you lose SELF-trust and then there’s the “VITAL SIGNS,” that you don’t see but everyone else does. They’re evidence that a monkie is hiding nearby (uh in you.) I like to call this thing the “Jekyll & Hyde” syndrome. Sounds funny? I just made that up but it’s trying so hard to be good but something of you just won’t cooperate. My struggle was the “good Christian-girl” versus the “Bad-Girl” thing. On one side I desired to be pure and chase… but on the other I used to be like (music please) “IIIII wanna sexxxx you up!” This struggle is real even Apostle Paul said,

“What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise… so that my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in (right) actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” Rom 7: 16-20, MSG

When you’ve been in the “relationship desert” for a while and the “dry patch” has turned into a dusty road like the one from Cali to Vegas… you start compromising your value system for a little fulfillment. Fortunately, The Spirit within is always willing and ready to take the “Superhero stance” inside of you with one hand on a hip and the other outstretched exclaiming “NOT TODAY SATAN!” But instead of nurturing that thing we tend to accept all the little tasty morsels the world has to offer, which by default shrinks the spirit and blows up our fleshly desires to Hulk status. So when just the right temptation comes along its not rocket science to figure out which will win… the spirit or the body? You know the answer and that’s why when Jekyll is finished playing and the lights come on we mostly feel like crap. Unless you get tired of being a hypocrite, doing the same things the same way, those monkies will just keep growing and taking more control.

THE GOOD NEWS

90% of this behavior is subconscious and the other 10% are the rotten decisions you continue to make. Previously I did a 5-post series called “FML” (Fix My Life) which explained “vacuum needs.” In case you didn’t catch the posts, a vacuum need is like a black hole developed when we didn’t receive what we needed as a child. And it can be many needs like attachment, affection, attention, and security – those things that build your IDENTITY and creates a healthy SELF (or not.) Anyhow, these “needs” NEEEEEEED to be filled, or you are subconsciously compelled, propelled to fill the needs on your own. In fact the striving won’t stop, can’t stop until the “black hole” is filled - it’s the feeling that happiness can’t be had until this thing is filled, resolve… made right.

How to FIX this thing

This Jekyll & Hyde thing is as much about your identity as it is about dealing with (ridding yourSELF of) your monkies. The goal is to take off the mask permanently and to be consistently genuinely YOU in every situation. Oh yeah, it’s gonna take a made-up mind, determination and work. This is not a formula and I am not a therapist (ya might want to get yourself one.) But I can coach you. Try this:

1. Forgive yourSELF for all the bad choices and for hurting yourSELF

2. Seek, Knock and Find (Grab a Bible and read Matt 7:7-8 and Jer 29:13)

3. Find your Monkies, and resolve those issues (get professional help if you need to)

4. Set specific boundaries and don’t crumble (but if you do, get up, forgive & try again)

5. Don’t put yourSELF (or follow or go) into those tempting situation

6. Get an accountability partner and do OTHER FUN THINGS.

Get solid on the inside, and you will see the changes outside. And if you need help, as always I got you, click here. For more info on Monkies, Breaking Bad Habits, Boundaries, and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here (it’s not just for Teens.)

“Nice” Sweeter than Honey

They say it’s much easier to get bears with honey, mmmm sweet is good. Ya know, one might use “sweet” and “nice” interchangeably as in “That’s a sweet ride” ... and you know it’s a nice car. But if you’re talking about people sweet and nice don’t necessarily mean the same thing. Anybody can be sweet when they want something and then behave in a nasty way once they’ve accomplished their goal. Ain’t nuthin’ nice about gettin’ got.

Word play is sexy, and I love how shades of one word may be shadowed upon another… like Nice and Kind. Is there a difference relating to how one makes you feel versus the other? Well “nice” is, according to Dictiony.com, being “Pleasing, agreeable and pleasant.” But my new favorite source Critical Thinking is a Cop (@criticalthotcop) Tweeted a very crunchy comparison this way: “Being nice is not the same thing as being kind. Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion. Kindness is actually giving a shit about people.”

Whaaaaaaat?!!!! Quick! What do we know about nice people… “They always finish last” That’s what people say, though It’s not necessarily true (sounds like a death sentence.) I’ve never taken “being nice” as a negativism before… until well, just now. “Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion” ???… whyyyy, I’m almost offended. But what I’m feeling forces me to look at myself in a way I haven’t before. That’s what a “good word” does… Shakes and challenges you to SELF-assess, again and again. I hope my writings motivate you to do the same. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, aaaand it pains me to say it, but she’s right. I have used niceness as a defense mechanism practically all my life without realizing it.

I grew up in domestic violence. It’s not a laughing matter but we used to call them “Saturday Nite Fights.” First there was arguing, and then at the stroke of midnight, ding ding ding, the knock-down-drag-out fighting between my mother and stepdad began. “Pop” was (and still is) one of the most chilled people in the whole world. I felt like Mom bullied him and it made me sick to my stomach. I thought if she were just nicer, most of this bull$#%t would go away. Back then I didn’t yet understand that hurting people hurt people… and the more desperate they feel the more pain they inflict on others. So, I made an inner vow “to be nice., which I subconsciously stuck to even when the Ghetto Diva needed to show up, lol. My display of weakness was not being nice, or having a tender/sensitive heart, it was PASSIVITY, which was expressed through PEOPLE PLEASING. Most nice people don’t want to hurt other people or let them down… but I promise you when people are “overly nice”… there’s a “monkie” (aka inner hurt) lurking somewhere. Monkies can make it nearly impossible to 1). Stand up for yourself, 2) Correct other people when they wrong you and 3) To Just say NO.

The point is, being nice (as they say… to a fault) is a literal STRATEGY (your monkies use to help you) AVOID rejection and hurt. Phewwww, that’s deep ain’t it? The funny thing is… I found out being super-nice doesn’t make others respectful you… it pretty much gives jerks a green light for abuse. NOTE: People will treat you the way you LET THEM. There comes a time for considering yourSELF above others, because sometimes no one is coming to rescue you. And believe it or not, there are times you MUST BE (not aggressive, but) ASSERTIVE. You don’t have to be rude, but know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting what you’ve paid for.

How do you get there? You get to the root of your “NICE” behavior. There are other steps that I can help you with, but the last thing is … FORGIVE yourSELF for being too nice and allowing other people to cause you pain because if it. Start standing and speaking up… practice it. Address issues head on (at the time of offense if possible) don’t AVOID them, because holding it in only makes “NICE” people passive aggressive (and that’s yucky.)

For more info on Monkies, People Pleasing and SELF-care get your copy of 4SELF 101 (It’s not just for teenagers.) Click Here.

NEXT WEEK:  PART II: What happens in the DARK “Naughty or Nice”

Team WE

Okay, I’m not going to tell you how many relationships I’ve had, lol. And I have found the need-to-know question is how to keep your relationship SEXY. Dating nowadays looks real crazy… if you wanna know my opinion on SEX and DATING check out my earlier blog posts “Swipe Right” and “Booty Call.” But what does a real relationship (dating) look like? Well of course it’s different for everyone. There’s too much going on nowadays, SMH. As I said, there’s something for everyone online. As we grow and life changes it may look differently from time to time. For me, as a teen, I changed boyfriends like I did my hairstyle, and then as a young adult, I just had to be married. But, I don’t see people making long-term commitments like that as much anymore, which may be a good thing or… maybe not. There’s NSA (No strings attached) FWBs (friends with benefits), Monogomous, Polygamy, living together, and let’s not forget chillin’ and ghosting. But, who’s to say which is better. I guess it all depends on where your head is. For shits and giggles here are my 6 LOVE HACKS to keep your relationship SEXY:

BE STRAIGHT ABOUT YOUR WANTS: Do you like variety or have a 3 chill maximum? If you don’t want to be in a 1 on 1 relationship… Let me get out my magic wand- BING (there you go) You don’t have to be. Are Preferences primary: Eye candy, Gangsta, sugar momma/daddy, tall, thick, muscular, experienced, virgin, intelligent, nymph, freaky, missionary/vanilla, BTSM whatever it is, say it!. Be clear and honest.

BE AUTHENTIC and GENUINE (be honest): TRUST is a huge issue. People have trouble presenting the REAL in the beginning. Don’t send your “the representative” to seal the deal and then let the real you be known… silly rabbit… tricks are for kids. That’s deception, which usually does not go over well. Lies are just a symptom of a bigger issue. Trust me, there’s no way to have a REAL relationship that way.

MAKE/TAKE THE TIME TO KNOW : How many times have you “kicked it” with someone and then you discovered that you really didn’t like them? Meeting people can be tough, but being “thirsty” will take you places you don’t want to be. It’s a problem. Think about that ^%$# before you do it?! Yes, “People come into our lives for a purpose.” But that doesn’t mean every meeting is for a relationship or SEX.

DTR (Determine the Relationship) ASAP: FWBs generally end up wanting more, for that reason (that’s the thing about sex especially if it's good.) You may avoid some mess if you just talk about what you are both expecting from this thing… determine what is before getting busy. But the trick is first KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT! For every “good” person out there, there’s at least 5 ratchet ones. Question is, what are you bringing to the table? Be careful what you ask for. You might“want” a Rolls Royce but can you handle the maintenance? How bout putting away the wish list and just seeing people for who they are instead of rushing in.

Get NAKED (as often as possible): Naked doesn’t just mean without clothes. It means without covers, without a mask or a shell. Being vulnerable is tricky. But you can only be real, and raw with someone you trust. And you have to know a person before you can trust them. Getting naked means I can show you everything, good, bad, and ugly and you’ll still be down. If you are not ready to get naked, you may not be ready for a REAL relationship.

WATER YOUR OWN GRASS (and protect your yard): Relationships must be nurtured and fed. Believe me, your yard will be dry, full of weed, and surely noticeable if you neglect to take care of it. Discover your lover’s “Love Language” and love them in a way that makes them feel whole. Because if you don’t, believe me, there is always someone in the cut willing to do what you aren’t. Compromise is good if it’s an exchange.

And lastly… end your year together by renewing your relationship for the new year. It’s not only romantic knowing it a must.

REAL LOVE can be messy, takes a lot of work, requires trust, and deserves your best SELF … BUT it’s what we all were made for.

Take a Moment

So, life comes, and it comes, and it doesn’t stop.  One perspective is that that is a good thing, the alternative is to not wake up… But stress, my God, is stressful and draining!  I’m here to tell you, raising kids as a single parent with little to no help is the ultimate definition of stressful. And for all of you in that position… hats off! Roseanne Barr said to (tv hubby) John Goodman in her sitcom yeeeeeears ago… “If your kids are still alive when you get home… I’ve done my job.” How hard is it  not to be a toxic parent when you were raised by one toxic parent or both? If this is your deal and you end up parenting strictly by instinct… you will also exhibit those toxic characteristics.  One must be intentional NOT TO BE what they grew up with.

I lived in “survival mode” for most of my children’s childhood.  Barely hanging on meant living by instinct… and now that I think of it, ironically, I behaved just like the mother that I didn’t want to be like… minus the alcoholism.  There were times I really, really did not like my mother.  And I shuddered to think that my kids may feel the same way about me, hhhhhhhhhhhh.  But now that they are grown, I am in a different frame of mind and I take every opportunity to discuss those days and beg their forgiveness.  Crazy thing is, I don’t remember some of the things that meant the most to them. But for their sake, I give all my attention and try to bring them a healing interaction. There are a few things I am still healing from myself… being defensive may be a natural response but it is not helpful.  Still, these are places even at 50 something I am still endeavoring to grow through. I don’t believe one should ever be stuck in the “That’s the way I am” place… for at that point… what is the point? Life demands movement, breadth, space, air, depth, passion and let’s not forget love, peace, and happiness (actually joy.) Want to know how to come back to center?  Take a moment.    

Schedule a little “me time.” Get somewhere that the sun can reach your face and sit right there. Close your eyes and breathe.  Stop your mind from racing and feel, feel the space that you are in. In my mind I see Shug Avery in “The Color Purple” stopping to smell the purple flowers or Jet Li pausing in the rice patty fields to get caught up in the passing breeze… Don’t miss those moments. Grab them whenever you can because they feed the soul.

Parents create the moments that elicit joyful giggles from your children. Play in the snow, roll in the grass, jump in the waves with them. Remember your inner child and bring it out to play with them every now and again. Here’s an idea… USE YOUR IMAGINATION. And here’s the part you should know… enjoy that time, because when it’s gone you can’t get it back. The residue of regret will always have its place. But love and live and laugh, and breathe and sing and dance like no one is looking.  Roll your bread into balls, blow bubbles thru your straw, eat a PB & J like a chu-chu train, make funny faces and tickle your kids till they almost pee. Why?  Because these things make you laugh, and laughter is like a medicine.  Get some… it’ll make you feel better.   

Swipe Right

Online dating drives me NUTS!!! You want to be kinky, debased, or just want to “hook up” you can find practically anything online.  But if you’re a nice girl or an average guy, who just wants to be meet someone with whom they are compatible to have fun, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. They say it’s all about the numbers, baby…  But it’s like being a used car on a car lot.  If you have enough of the features people are looking for it’s a SWIPE RIGHT but if you are too tall, or too fat, or too old, or too grey, not blond enough, you get SWIPED LEFT. If you struggle with low-self-esteem just be ready for rejection, games, ghosting, etc.

So, a huge part of it is “slot-filling.”  What I mean by this is when people are just tired of being lonely so they connect with the one who ticks off most items on their “must have” list.  And there seems to be a lot of people that “pick this one “for the meantime” just so they can stop feeling lonely and then they drop ‘em and move on when they find something “better,” often times without letting the previous person know.  That sucks! What would the dating landscape look like if people took their time and actually considered other folk’s feelings while playing the game.  But some people are actually out here seriously looking, searching, and hoping to find something real and lasting.

Another issue is “PREFERENCES” aka The List. I’m hard on people when it comes to putting preferences above character and connection because the truth is…. I get offended when you are looking at my breasts instead of hearing what I have to say.   Quality people don’t get play if they have lumpy butts, a mid-section or cellulite. Well and that’s why women are obsesses with Spanx, waist trainers, eyelashes, and weaves.  Now in the defense of shallow people everywhere I have to say… I used to be guilty of “sticking to my type.  And I had a lonnnnnnnng list if must haves (78 items) and then I GREW UP (took my head out of my … you know what) and realized … this freakin’ person DOES NOT EXIST! If you are a Christian, you have no business at all judging people by their outward appearance…. NONE! Sure, you should have an attraction for your life mate, but if  outwardness is more important than inward quality (their spirit, intellect, motivations, calling, etc.) - Your priorities are jacked, and your situation will be too. Another thing if you’re looking for mating but not thinking about investing your life… That’s a real problem. That right there… will lead somewhere you don’t want to go and keep you for longer than you want to be there.  Don’t you get tired of unraveling out of bad situations?  If you do the same ole things and refuse to change… I don’t want to hear your mouth. And stop praying because God can’t even work with a hard heart (ya saw what happened to Pharaoh.)

So how do you make yourself open to more possibilities?

1.        Admit where you are having issues and fix ‘em (stop making excuses.) If you’re scared of connecting… you’re not ready to date

2.       Don’t take it all too seriously (you will go through a lot of frogs before reaching a prince.)

3.       Spend time with your SELF, and make up you mind what you really want

4.       Get an “Accountability Partner” someone who can tell you your Sh%# is stinkin’ if necessary and who will walk with and help keep you straight.  

5.       Strive to be open and honest with people you meet

6.      Come out of the box you’ve created for yourself and push beyond “your preferences.”

7.       Don’t jump at it because it glitters; everything that glitters ain’t gold. Make good choices

8.      Be in the moment, connect… not everyone you meet is meant to date

9.      Strive to know a person BEFORE you have sex with them (unless you want NSA and are honest and upfront about it.)

Have fun with dating.  Feeling obsessed, pull back & fix your head before getting back out there.