SELF-Aware

I’ve been working on this idea of SELF-ology for over 15 years now. By SELF-ology I mean the science of Self-Development, as it pertains to strategically assessing and repairing the INNER PERSON and working to create a tailor-made holistic life that brings happiness. So many of us attack life from a place of brokenness, instead of living a life that is authentic to SELF, a SELF that operates from its highest best. It’s so easy to say focusing on SELF is a  selfish thing, but I scream … NOT SO! And here’s why… If you live to please others or are a zombie inside, you’ll eventually harm the people you’re closest you. We all have cracks (forms of brokenness) because we are human, nobody is perfect. And if you say you are, you’re lying, straight up. We’re all out here trying to survive, but surviving is not the goal… Truly Living is, happily, no more than that… SATISFIED.

If you’ve been tracking wit me for the last couple of weeks, we’ve been taking a SELF-ology view of Self-Development as based on the Hierarch of Needs (Maslow’s.1943.)  This is unique because even though we are all individuals, just out here in these streets trying to survive, lol,  We are all different, but at our base, we are all the same, Spirit (Life), Soul (mind, will, and emotions) and a Body. Who we are is pretty much in developmental flux from Birth to about 10 years old. Whether we grow up in a healthy environment that gave us what we needed (through parent/child relationship) or not determines what type of foundation we live from. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes which left us with cracks that we are still living with, be it known or not. And Imma I’m just gonna be blunt here… there’s no way to get to a “completely happy/satisfied life” with cracks in your SOUL. There’s just no way… There is settling for levels of happiness and faking the funk for the rest. But even that is a little dysfunctional, right? Getting what we need, making those cute little wrinkles in our brains have made a healthy foundation for life, but not getting what we need has left our brain under-developed in ways that created what I call “vacuum needs” leaving us with cracks (aka some brokenness.) And when damaged people can’t or won’t fix those cracks, they avoid, shut down (that zombie life), or self-medicate.  

So, we’re at the top level now:  Self-Actualization. Psychologists say this place is all about coming into your own, being the best you can be, completing all that you want to and meant to do in life... ARRIVING! And may I say, not everyone fully accomplishes this level in their lifetimes.  I think it was Dr. Myles Monroe who said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it’s filled with unrealized goals and unfulfilled dreams.”

Writer Kendra Cherry comes up with “9 Characteristics of Self-Actualized People” in her article (verywellmind.com) including Being Realistic, Problem-Centered, AUTONOMOUS, Enjoys solitude and privacy, have a philosophical sense of humor, are spontaneous, and Enjoy the Journey.  While I agree with her bottom line, I feel like the part of HOW you get there is missing.  Her answer is an example of what a WHOLE SOUL looks like but it’s kinda like the chicken and the egg argument. Truthfully But, if you really want to get to the heart of Self-Actualization you have to go deeper than LOOKS.

Let me cut to the chase it’s almost impossible to get the most of life if you are not whole (nothing broken and nothing missing.) It’s like trying to eat an orange for the first time.  It smells so good, but how do you get to the good stuff? Well, if you did the most obvious thing and bit into it… you would get orange-peel in your mouth, yuck! Take it from someone who knows, ya peel it, stick your thumb in the end separate the slices and then bite and enjoy. Mmmmm. Sometimes you just need someone who knows to help.  And what I know is, Self-Actualization is more than experiences, it’s a spiritual journey, an awakening. Truly living life is not about arriving at a destination, it’s about learning and about using all your senses to enjoy the trip.  Like on any trip you need a few things: 1) Purpose / Destination, 2) Safe shelter, 3) Companionship, 4) Thoughtfulness/Awareness and 5)The Satisfaction of getting there. Ain’t life just like that? Look closely at the list of things, it’s all 5 of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have to say it, Self-Actualization is a LIFETIME journey and the best map you could ever have is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.  It’s really a person and not a thing. The funny thing about Complete and Total Self-Actualization is… Once you’ve “Arrived” it’ll soon be time to go to the next place.

Shattered and Unworthy

So, we’re on this Self-Development journey together you and me… and I want to get naked (up close and personal) figuratively speaking, lol. I wanna share part of my story.  (Someday I would love to hear yours too.) I love getting compliments.  It makes me giggle when people tell me I’m pretty. But the truth is, I’ve got good genes.  My mother was a beautiful queen, classy, sassy, and fierce! AND she had a great personality.  Dad was “one of those Cross boys” … I’m pretty sure that meant “fine and popular with the ladies.”  He came from, I was told, a long line of “Rolling Stones”, men who were mostly married but had a tendency to wander.   

Whoever said “Girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their fathers” was spot on, even if they don’t know it. I’m shaking my head even now as I admit through tighly clinched lips, My Dad “is my type”… minus the “God’s-gift-to-Women” / emotionally unavailable part.

When I was “FLAWLESS” from the time I was 16 to about 24, I loved hearing “damn guhl you fine!” Playing it off with a crooked little smile, I didn’t realize it was feeding something deep inside me. Pschhh, I never have a problem with SELF-Esteem, until I got married and shortly after, pregnant. “Suave,” my young husband, was not unlike my father in that he was light-skinned, had a melt-worthy smile, tight bod, and charismatic personality.  An ex-gang banger and formerly abused kid, he was “Overly exposed but underdeveloped” emotionally. Had I taken seriously his offensive but entirely honest statement “I can’t be with a fat girl” I would’ve got the hell out of dodge immediately! But instead, I put on 60 pounds and true to his word he stopped coming home at night.  As a result, his mom put me out at 8 months pregnant. The residual feelings of rejection and abandonment left from my relationship with my father re-ignited and almost took me out. To top it off, people in our community kept reporting Sauvé’s way-wandering activities, including, according to one dude, ”seeing Rico on every street corner ‘macking it up’ to finer girls than you.” How’s dude gonna tell on Rico and hit on me at the same time…SMH. I can tell you that my SELF-Esteem life was on E (empty) and the light was flashing, flashing, flashing!!

Although my skin glowed, eyes sparkled and my hair was long, thick, and shiny, I couldn’t stand to see myself in the mirror.  I was literally almost twice the woman I had ever been, and I waddled when I walked. I was too much and yet, “not enough” to keep my marriage together and my husband happy. I was angry, hurt and so broken. But then one day God brought Ms. Teal, a lovely, feminine, godly woman, into my life, who restored my SOUL and loved me back to wholeness. Self-esteem, she taught me, was the result of knowing who (and Who’s) you are.  Eventually I realized, it’s not what Rico or anyone else thinks of me… ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT I (YOU) BELIEVE. Uh that’s why it’s called SELF-Esteem. You have to know for yourSELF that you are special, lovely, valuable and worth receiving the best in life (and in love.) I now can look myself in the mirror and say … “Guhl, you fine!” (and mean it.)

Struggling with SELF-Esteem often comes from:

1)      Deficiency Needs; not receiving the benefits of a healthy parent/child relationship

2)     Toxic Relationships and Abuse (Physical and Verbal)

3)     Lack of Identity

4)     Lack of Purpose

HOW TO FIX LOW SELF ESTEEM

ReachOut.com has a great article: “10 tips for improving your self-esteem” in it they say: 1) Be nice to yourself, 2) Do you, 3) Exercise, 4) Be the best version of you, 5) Nobody’s perfect/everyone makes mistakes, 6) Change what you can, 7) Do what makes you happy, 8) Celebrate the small stuff,  9)Be a pal, 10) Surround yourself with a supportive squad.

Good Read: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

For More information on Self Esteem check out my book: 4Self101

Need help on your Soul Restoration journey, I got you, CLICK HERE

Love Me Long Time

Sooooo, Valentine’s Day 2021 was like last Sunday and lately it’s just been an annoyance…. I guess I’m not into the commercialism of it or of Christmas. For me it’s all about the feeling… of experiencing romance and intimacy, well and actually of being in love - to know you are loved.  I have never been into the “faking the funk” or wearing masks.  Either you is or you ain’t, there’s no almost or sortas.

I’ve heard people say, “If you have never been hurt by “love” you haven’t really lived.” Ehhhh you see, I feel like the person who came up with that rosy euphemism didn’t really understand the nature of Love.  Love ain’t like getting high and stubbing your tie. The truth of the matter is LOVE, real love never hurts… it’s hurting (and broken) people that hurt other people. We flawed humans have a hard time actually receiving and processing REAL Love.  Love is a DIVINE and pure gift manifested through fleshly hearts, self-less actions… and it’s nearly impossible to pass on something one does not have or has ever experienced.  People are often self-serving and tend to do what makes them happy until it no longer does.  And lately, what’s this thing of getting into a one thing for the meantime until something better comes along?  Some people change boyfriend/girlfriends like they change socks. I digress… lets move on.

Real Love is a DIVINE and Supernatural gift. To understand it you gotta go deeper than your feelings.  Saint Paul was divinely inspired when he described love as:  

1.        Love never stops loving

2.       Love is large and incredibly patient

3.       Love is gentle and kind

4.       Is not jealous or puffed up

5.       Does not shame or disrespect others

6.      Love does not seek its own honor

7.       Love celebrates honesty and doesn’t love what is wrong

8.      Love is a safe place of shelter

9.      Love never stops believing the best for others

10.   Love NEVER FAILS

Now, now I hear you… who can do all that? And my answer to you, one flawed individual to another… is NO BODY CAN LOVE THAT WAY. In fact, I think we should just stop using the word LOVE altogether until we HOOK UP TO THE SOURCE. Honestly, you have to have LOVE LIVING inside of you. I’m not just talking about being inspired… You have to submit to love, be subject to it, be vulnerable and be obedient to it (correction: to HIM). Love is a Spirit, He’s Real, He talks, He instructs, He corrects, and He directs. Without a relationship to LOVE, love cannot be figured out.  Love is something we (every human being) needs.  It’s part of the foundation built from the loving interactions between parent and their child.  This is particularly important between the ages of birth to _____.  And it’s vital that a child gets what they need at this developmental stage… if not it becomes a DEFICIENCY NEED. And that vacuum never stops sucking. This child goes from one relationship to the next looking, looking, looking for love (one that will last.)

Clearly, so many of us trying to love (in a fleshly way) did not receive the proper LOVING foundation.  And so, as adults we are left to figure out what we missed.  It seems to be a common problem… How to fix those cracks, holes, the vacuum for love in  our SOULS so that we can LOVE RIGHT…

These sources can help:

Book: Soul Care: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

Website: Love is Respect

Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis-ease

SOULMATES, how important are words and learning to “fight fair”?  Communication, though it can be very complex is vital to every single relationship, even the one with your SELF!  Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”? Man, that was the mantra for every bullied kid back in the day! And screaming inside their heads “keep it together, keep it together” while trying not to cry and run down the street.  But in truth the mantra is a straight up lie.  While physical cuts scab over and heal, damning words are “saved” on the hard drive of the psyche, and like a background script they run without you even knowing. Words are like seeds, so if you spew ugly, painful, insulting, insensitive language, especially to impressionable youths who are still developing identity, ya might as well be spitting bullets.  Many of us are still running the script and eating the fruit from the trees grown from the bad seeds and we can’t figure out why our lives keep glitching.

Psychological Needs, according to Abraham Maslow (The Hierarchy of Needs, 1935) is the most basic foundational need we all have in common. How do you live a happy life when your head is either messed up or not in the game? Don’t take offense, but  sense NO BODY IS PERFECT and most of us grew up in some form of dysfunction, we are ALL JACKED UP, in one way or another.  But words have the power of life and death and the actions that accompany them only solidify the message. And whatever the message good or bad, whether it meets our needs or causes a “deficiency vacuum” is the stuff we build our lives and identity on.  Let me give you an example: A kid was playing, and they fell and skinned their knee and began to cry.

Scenario 1:  The Mom, upon hearing her child, Timmy cry, threw the phone down, ran outside calling him by name as she grabbed him up.  She hugged him and held him for a moment and spoke affirmative, reassuring words as she helped him to his feet.  With great care she cleaned him up, bandaged his leg and made sure he was alright before giving him a snack and laying him down to rest.   

Scenario 2: The Mom saw everything but was annoyed that her long awaited conversation was interrupted by her stepson’s “clumsy” accident. Even though she could hear the child scream, she finished the intense part of the conversation and took the phone out with her and said (into the phone)… “This lil clumsy bastard, not watching where he was going crashed his bike. Yep, that’s him screaming in the background.  She then snatched him to his feet and dragged him into the house, slapped a bandage on, and told him to go to his room… all while continuing the phone conversation.

Psychological Impact

Kid #1 (Needs Met):  Mom affirmed that the kid is valued, important, cared for and worthy of concern.

Kid #2 (Needs unmet, and deficiency/black hole/vacuum created) Parent affirms kid has less value, is lower priority than phone conversation, Kid is a bother and is not loved/liked and is left to self-soothe.  

~~~~~

Although Scenario #2 is a little extreme, I’m just trying to drive the point home. Words are seeds that are planted and the fruit from the trees that grow feed us fruit for years to come.  The only way to get rid of the bad scripts is to reprogram the hard drive.  Here’s how you do it:

1.  Remember the Murderous / Wounding Words

2. Forgive the perpetrator (If you need help, click here)

3. Get some AFFIRMATIONS and say them aloud to reprogram your thoughts (and change your trajectory)

For affirmations or help plucking up roots and changing out your fruit… I got you, click here. For more information on Communication check out my book 4Self 101 Chapter 3

FML 5: I'm Just Broke

Raise your hand if you’ve resolved to save money or fix your credit this year. I don’t know your experience, but most of the people I know are on one end of the spectrum or the other when it comes to saving money. Either they easily save, or money burns their pockets. I myself struggle to save money and I will tell you why… My entire childhood I watched my mother “struggle” financially.  We grew up “house poor” and it seems like my siblings and I never got anything we wanted… Mom was always “broke.” How ironic it was for me to follow in my mother’s footsteps, but for a long time I did... until I woke up.   

Don’t get me wrong… Momma (and everyone like her) just made it work, “Robbing Peter to pay Paul”!  Now I realize this may be a foreign concept for “summa” you so let me explain…  “Robbing Peter to pay Paul” is a “ghetto-ism” (I just made that up); an “urban phrase” referring to a particular type of money management.  It’s where one shifts money from one bill to pay a more vital one.  In our case vital meant… or else it’s getting shut off. As sad as it was, the only money management training we received was watching my Mother “stretch a dollar,” overspending or taking items out of the cart at the cashier station OR most often hearing “no” and getting hands slapped for touching things?  I can hear her words echoing in my past memories… “touch another thing, hear?” smh

Let me be clear poor money management comes from (#1) not understanding money, the lack of Literacy Education/Training,  NO Budgeting, Poor spending habits, and lack of discipline. LACK, LACK, LACK, the  perception of LACK or the FEAR of Lack are powerful barriers to the proper handling of money.

People often, just like I did, refer to their meager upbringing to excuse their financial irresponsibility because they don’t want to reign in their out-of-control spending habits. I mean who doesn’t love to shop and get the things they want, when they were deprived as children. But at the end of the year, after pouring Trillions of dollars into the market, have precious little to show for it and can still have the feeling of “struggling” to make it.   Let me tell you why that is… It’s called “The Poverty Mindset,” which is a GENERATIONAL CYCLE.  Not a lot of us received Money Management strategies from our parents, uh because they weren’t taught by their parents, whose parent didn’t have the knowledge to give them, nor did their parents or their parents before them. Hello, that’s GENERATIONAL.  This knowledge was withheld (or not shared) with many of our ancestors by those who believe money is POWER. I’ve heard it said “The Poor” could pull themselves up by their own bootstraps if they went to college or worked harder - but this is not always the case, especially when those people are constrained by The Poverty Mindset.   

Most poor people think winning the lottery will solve all their problems. According to an article called  Five myths about the Lottery written by Economics Professor George Loewenstein (Washington Post, 2019/12/27),  “70% of lottery winners go bankrupt within a couple of years.” I’ll give you two guesses as to why that is (Poor Money Management and/or the Poverty Mindset). Getting a better job will give you more money but how far do you think you can get with the The Poverty Mindset constantly screaming at you “OOOOO MORE MONEY!!! Yayyy! Now you can finally buy that thing (or things) you’ve been fiending for!” It’s another gerbil wheel, that must be destroyed in order to move forward. The Poverty Mindset must be replaced with sound financial knowledge, motivation to change, combined with energy, strategy, and positive producing action. Yes, it’s gonna be tough! But my question to you is…. HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT. No more struggling and no more excuses… WANT TO FIX YOUR LIFE? First things first… make up your mind that you need a change! Then do it! Create some goals and a budget, and start with tiny steps.  

THESE FINANCIAL LITERACY RESOURCES WILL HELP

Websites

MoneyMavericks.com, MyMoney.gov, khanacademy.org, www.daveramsey.com

Podcasts

Stacking Benjamins, The Dave Ramsey Show, His and Her Money, The Fairer Cents, The Truth About Money with Ric Edelman

Also see my book 4SELF 101  (Chapter 9: Money, Money, Money).

FML Part 4: Broken Cookies

How old were you when you first did the do? By “the do” I mean had sex? Oh yeah, I’m getting right to the point this week. At first, I was going to make this blog post about money and being broke. The word “broke” as you may or may not know is slang that means “having no money.” It refers to a smashed piggy bank with its contents poured out. Not to be compared to with BROKENNESS. I do have lots to say about money, the poverty mindset, and the ridiculous amount of power we give money over our lives, that’ll come next week. BUT… because I’m feeling a bit snarky at the moment, I’ve changed my mind. This little talk is going to be about SEXUALITY, abstinence, and virginity (or loss thereof.)

I’m not sure how transparent I want to be with you regarding my own cookie-breaking experience… although I do feel my story is an important one (and so is yours.) Let me suffice it to say I was very very very young when I first had sex. I can talk about it now because I’m too old to get in trouble, lol. Not unlike most peer pressure stories, I was trying to fit into a small group much older than myself. Most believers will quote the “Thou Shall Not’s” of fornication, but in PRACTICALITY the real reason for not having sex when you’re too young for a lasting committed relationship … IS THE BURN! And by the burn, I’m not talking about a social disease… I mean HORNY-ness. Breaking the cookie for the first time is like opening Pandora’s box, uh literally.  It starts a fire that must be quenched. Simply put, sex was originally intended to be a divine glue that through desire, passion of orgasmic expression to transform two people (that belong to each other) into one person (complete unity in spirit, emotionally, and in purpose). That is why breakups, when sex was the norm, are so difficult because is like an amputation. Sex taken in the right context is good! However, when SEX is USED, it can be very damaging. Think of a raging unconstrained fire…

Nowadays sex is just a social activity, it’s no big deal. Sex has become so common… seems like it is normal expectation in dating. In DATING! I literally hesitate to say “before marriage” or “outside of marriage” because in the “world view” marriage is less popular than COVID! (smh) The “test drive” has become a real and necessary thing a prerequisite for choice-making. And I get it, I do… good sex is important. It’s both binding and freeing; both a flame and an extinguisher, a thirst and a quencher simultaneously. But the fact that society places more value on orgasms and fun, than it does on real connection, fidelity, and community is evidence of a moral decay.  The sad thing is lonely people often put themselves out there and date EVEN IF still jacked up from a previous thing. Knowing that they are not in the position (mentally or emotionally) to hold down a real relationship.  Baby if you’re broken… get your ish straight before bringing other people into your mix! OR BE HONEST upfront! I’m sorry (not sorry) but if sex is your main motive and you have no intention of having a relationship, it is your responsibility to let the object of your attention know - anything else is just wrong, I don’t care how you justify it.  

Whole people (with nothing broken and nothing missing) should do better. Remember the golden rule, “Do unto others …” blah blah blah you know the rest.  Let’s retool it to say:  Honor your SELF by valuing other people (everybody) as if they were an extension of your own person.  If you aren’t ready to deal with other people… don’t. If your flame is burning like that, don’t be shady find a SUBSTITUTION (side-eye) … I’m sure you know what I mean. Happy endings are best when you’re in a focused, committed, joyous relationship that has purpose. (Notice I said joyous and not happy) see previous blog post: FML 2: Unhappy

Decide today, I have, not to accept any more broken cookies. Either come whole or stay at home. That’s all I got to say. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT!!! The most important part! How to FML (FIX My Life)… You’ve given a piece of your SELF to every person you’ve had sex with and they’ve with you. So imagine giving&receiving with 10, 20…. 100 sexual partners. Talk about BROKEN COOKIES (and crumbs) yikes! To be WHOLE (and happy) you must reclaim all those pieces, and break the SOUL-TIES, which is the reason you can't get over him/her - your souls are tied… the sex did that. If you need help click here, I got you!

Life is Calling

I didn’t plan to be “a hoe” or “addicted to drugs” or still living with Mom & Dad at 30. Well… most people who didn’t know, at age 5 years what they planned to be when they grew up, never planned to live a life that they don’t like (or ever worse… hate.)

If you were like me growing up part of a dysfunctional household… that I couldn’t wait to grow up and leave, there was no planning involved.  I just wanted to be of age so that I could have my own life. Dysfunctional can mean so many things.  And I hope you come back more and more so that we can have more dialog about what yours looked like.  But for me, Daddy left when I was 3 and so did my sisters shortly after. When Momma did remarry there was domestic violence, corporal punishment, alcoholism, a sort of mild neglect and often not enough food in the cupboards. My brother used to eat sugar sandwiches… but I digress.

Getting grown was just the stepping block I needed to “freedom.”  But once grown I realized, man! I didn’t know anything about life. Well I knew what not to do, and how not to talk to people and I also knew how to live without a man. But as having the tools that I needed to a happy life… uh one I wanted…  My tool box was empty and I found myself ill-prepared to handle the regular day-to-day struggles that come with grown-up life. That is why I wrote 4 SELF 101, so that people would have somewhere to start.

One day, the sexiest man alive (well in my life anyway) was conversing with me face to face.  It felt like there was no one else in the room except he and I, but the world was all around and passively watching.  And then he asked… “But tell me, WHO ARE YOU, really?” I was about 28 years old and if I tell you I was stuck on stupid, feeling small and at a loss for words it still can’t capture what I felt at that moment… all I could do was cry. That conversation forced me to discover ME, who I really was. One might say “Rediscover who I am” but honestly, I didn’t know who I was.

Its been many years since then, and can I tell you – it took longer than I thought it would to discover ME. REAL self -development is a PROCESS. The first step is to get to know the SELF, and it’s not just the reflection in the mirror. He/She is much more complex. Walk with me… (click the button above to join the conversation.)