“Nice” Sweeter than Honey

They say it’s much easier to get bears with honey, mmmm sweet is good. Ya know, one might use “sweet” and “nice” interchangeably as in “That’s a sweet ride” ... and you know it’s a nice car. But if you’re talking about people sweet and nice don’t necessarily mean the same thing. Anybody can be sweet when they want something and then behave in a nasty way once they’ve accomplished their goal. Ain’t nuthin’ nice about gettin’ got.

Word play is sexy, and I love how shades of one word may be shadowed upon another… like Nice and Kind. Is there a difference relating to how one makes you feel versus the other? Well “nice” is, according to Dictiony.com, being “Pleasing, agreeable and pleasant.” But my new favorite source Critical Thinking is a Cop (@criticalthotcop) Tweeted a very crunchy comparison this way: “Being nice is not the same thing as being kind. Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion. Kindness is actually giving a shit about people.”

Whaaaaaaat?!!!! Quick! What do we know about nice people… “They always finish last” That’s what people say, though It’s not necessarily true (sounds like a death sentence.) I’ve never taken “being nice” as a negativism before… until well, just now. “Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion” ???… whyyyy, I’m almost offended. But what I’m feeling forces me to look at myself in a way I haven’t before. That’s what a “good word” does… Shakes and challenges you to SELF-assess, again and again. I hope my writings motivate you to do the same. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, aaaand it pains me to say it, but she’s right. I have used niceness as a defense mechanism practically all my life without realizing it.

I grew up in domestic violence. It’s not a laughing matter but we used to call them “Saturday Nite Fights.” First there was arguing, and then at the stroke of midnight, ding ding ding, the knock-down-drag-out fighting between my mother and stepdad began. “Pop” was (and still is) one of the most chilled people in the whole world. I felt like Mom bullied him and it made me sick to my stomach. I thought if she were just nicer, most of this bull$#%t would go away. Back then I didn’t yet understand that hurting people hurt people… and the more desperate they feel the more pain they inflict on others. So, I made an inner vow “to be nice., which I subconsciously stuck to even when the Ghetto Diva needed to show up, lol. My display of weakness was not being nice, or having a tender/sensitive heart, it was PASSIVITY, which was expressed through PEOPLE PLEASING. Most nice people don’t want to hurt other people or let them down… but I promise you when people are “overly nice”… there’s a “monkie” (aka inner hurt) lurking somewhere. Monkies can make it nearly impossible to 1). Stand up for yourself, 2) Correct other people when they wrong you and 3) To Just say NO.

The point is, being nice (as they say… to a fault) is a literal STRATEGY (your monkies use to help you) AVOID rejection and hurt. Phewwww, that’s deep ain’t it? The funny thing is… I found out being super-nice doesn’t make others respectful you… it pretty much gives jerks a green light for abuse. NOTE: People will treat you the way you LET THEM. There comes a time for considering yourSELF above others, because sometimes no one is coming to rescue you. And believe it or not, there are times you MUST BE (not aggressive, but) ASSERTIVE. You don’t have to be rude, but know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting what you’ve paid for.

How do you get there? You get to the root of your “NICE” behavior. There are other steps that I can help you with, but the last thing is … FORGIVE yourSELF for being too nice and allowing other people to cause you pain because if it. Start standing and speaking up… practice it. Address issues head on (at the time of offense if possible) don’t AVOID them, because holding it in only makes “NICE” people passive aggressive (and that’s yucky.)

For more info on Monkies, People Pleasing and SELF-care get your copy of 4SELF 101 (It’s not just for teenagers.) Click Here.

NEXT WEEK:  PART II: What happens in the DARK “Naughty or Nice”

SELF-Aware

I’ve been working on this idea of SELF-ology for over 15 years now. By SELF-ology I mean the science of Self-Development, as it pertains to strategically assessing and repairing the INNER PERSON and working to create a tailor-made holistic life that brings happiness. So many of us attack life from a place of brokenness, instead of living a life that is authentic to SELF, a SELF that operates from its highest best. It’s so easy to say focusing on SELF is a  selfish thing, but I scream … NOT SO! And here’s why… If you live to please others or are a zombie inside, you’ll eventually harm the people you’re closest you. We all have cracks (forms of brokenness) because we are human, nobody is perfect. And if you say you are, you’re lying, straight up. We’re all out here trying to survive, but surviving is not the goal… Truly Living is, happily, no more than that… SATISFIED.

If you’ve been tracking wit me for the last couple of weeks, we’ve been taking a SELF-ology view of Self-Development as based on the Hierarch of Needs (Maslow’s.1943.)  This is unique because even though we are all individuals, just out here in these streets trying to survive, lol,  We are all different, but at our base, we are all the same, Spirit (Life), Soul (mind, will, and emotions) and a Body. Who we are is pretty much in developmental flux from Birth to about 10 years old. Whether we grow up in a healthy environment that gave us what we needed (through parent/child relationship) or not determines what type of foundation we live from. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes which left us with cracks that we are still living with, be it known or not. And Imma I’m just gonna be blunt here… there’s no way to get to a “completely happy/satisfied life” with cracks in your SOUL. There’s just no way… There is settling for levels of happiness and faking the funk for the rest. But even that is a little dysfunctional, right? Getting what we need, making those cute little wrinkles in our brains have made a healthy foundation for life, but not getting what we need has left our brain under-developed in ways that created what I call “vacuum needs” leaving us with cracks (aka some brokenness.) And when damaged people can’t or won’t fix those cracks, they avoid, shut down (that zombie life), or self-medicate.  

So, we’re at the top level now:  Self-Actualization. Psychologists say this place is all about coming into your own, being the best you can be, completing all that you want to and meant to do in life... ARRIVING! And may I say, not everyone fully accomplishes this level in their lifetimes.  I think it was Dr. Myles Monroe who said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it’s filled with unrealized goals and unfulfilled dreams.”

Writer Kendra Cherry comes up with “9 Characteristics of Self-Actualized People” in her article (verywellmind.com) including Being Realistic, Problem-Centered, AUTONOMOUS, Enjoys solitude and privacy, have a philosophical sense of humor, are spontaneous, and Enjoy the Journey.  While I agree with her bottom line, I feel like the part of HOW you get there is missing.  Her answer is an example of what a WHOLE SOUL looks like but it’s kinda like the chicken and the egg argument. Truthfully But, if you really want to get to the heart of Self-Actualization you have to go deeper than LOOKS.

Let me cut to the chase it’s almost impossible to get the most of life if you are not whole (nothing broken and nothing missing.) It’s like trying to eat an orange for the first time.  It smells so good, but how do you get to the good stuff? Well, if you did the most obvious thing and bit into it… you would get orange-peel in your mouth, yuck! Take it from someone who knows, ya peel it, stick your thumb in the end separate the slices and then bite and enjoy. Mmmmm. Sometimes you just need someone who knows to help.  And what I know is, Self-Actualization is more than experiences, it’s a spiritual journey, an awakening. Truly living life is not about arriving at a destination, it’s about learning and about using all your senses to enjoy the trip.  Like on any trip you need a few things: 1) Purpose / Destination, 2) Safe shelter, 3) Companionship, 4) Thoughtfulness/Awareness and 5)The Satisfaction of getting there. Ain’t life just like that? Look closely at the list of things, it’s all 5 of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have to say it, Self-Actualization is a LIFETIME journey and the best map you could ever have is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.  It’s really a person and not a thing. The funny thing about Complete and Total Self-Actualization is… Once you’ve “Arrived” it’ll soon be time to go to the next place.

Shattered and Unworthy

So, we’re on this Self-Development journey together you and me… and I want to get naked (up close and personal) figuratively speaking, lol. I wanna share part of my story.  (Someday I would love to hear yours too.) I love getting compliments.  It makes me giggle when people tell me I’m pretty. But the truth is, I’ve got good genes.  My mother was a beautiful queen, classy, sassy, and fierce! AND she had a great personality.  Dad was “one of those Cross boys” … I’m pretty sure that meant “fine and popular with the ladies.”  He came from, I was told, a long line of “Rolling Stones”, men who were mostly married but had a tendency to wander.   

Whoever said “Girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their fathers” was spot on, even if they don’t know it. I’m shaking my head even now as I admit through tighly clinched lips, My Dad “is my type”… minus the “God’s-gift-to-Women” / emotionally unavailable part.

When I was “FLAWLESS” from the time I was 16 to about 24, I loved hearing “damn guhl you fine!” Playing it off with a crooked little smile, I didn’t realize it was feeding something deep inside me. Pschhh, I never have a problem with SELF-Esteem, until I got married and shortly after, pregnant. “Suave,” my young husband, was not unlike my father in that he was light-skinned, had a melt-worthy smile, tight bod, and charismatic personality.  An ex-gang banger and formerly abused kid, he was “Overly exposed but underdeveloped” emotionally. Had I taken seriously his offensive but entirely honest statement “I can’t be with a fat girl” I would’ve got the hell out of dodge immediately! But instead, I put on 60 pounds and true to his word he stopped coming home at night.  As a result, his mom put me out at 8 months pregnant. The residual feelings of rejection and abandonment left from my relationship with my father re-ignited and almost took me out. To top it off, people in our community kept reporting Sauvé’s way-wandering activities, including, according to one dude, ”seeing Rico on every street corner ‘macking it up’ to finer girls than you.” How’s dude gonna tell on Rico and hit on me at the same time…SMH. I can tell you that my SELF-Esteem life was on E (empty) and the light was flashing, flashing, flashing!!

Although my skin glowed, eyes sparkled and my hair was long, thick, and shiny, I couldn’t stand to see myself in the mirror.  I was literally almost twice the woman I had ever been, and I waddled when I walked. I was too much and yet, “not enough” to keep my marriage together and my husband happy. I was angry, hurt and so broken. But then one day God brought Ms. Teal, a lovely, feminine, godly woman, into my life, who restored my SOUL and loved me back to wholeness. Self-esteem, she taught me, was the result of knowing who (and Who’s) you are.  Eventually I realized, it’s not what Rico or anyone else thinks of me… ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT I (YOU) BELIEVE. Uh that’s why it’s called SELF-Esteem. You have to know for yourSELF that you are special, lovely, valuable and worth receiving the best in life (and in love.) I now can look myself in the mirror and say … “Guhl, you fine!” (and mean it.)

Struggling with SELF-Esteem often comes from:

1)      Deficiency Needs; not receiving the benefits of a healthy parent/child relationship

2)     Toxic Relationships and Abuse (Physical and Verbal)

3)     Lack of Identity

4)     Lack of Purpose

HOW TO FIX LOW SELF ESTEEM

ReachOut.com has a great article: “10 tips for improving your self-esteem” in it they say: 1) Be nice to yourself, 2) Do you, 3) Exercise, 4) Be the best version of you, 5) Nobody’s perfect/everyone makes mistakes, 6) Change what you can, 7) Do what makes you happy, 8) Celebrate the small stuff,  9)Be a pal, 10) Surround yourself with a supportive squad.

Good Read: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

For More information on Self Esteem check out my book: 4Self101

Need help on your Soul Restoration journey, I got you, CLICK HERE

Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis-ease

SOULMATES, how important are words and learning to “fight fair”?  Communication, though it can be very complex is vital to every single relationship, even the one with your SELF!  Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”? Man, that was the mantra for every bullied kid back in the day! And screaming inside their heads “keep it together, keep it together” while trying not to cry and run down the street.  But in truth the mantra is a straight up lie.  While physical cuts scab over and heal, damning words are “saved” on the hard drive of the psyche, and like a background script they run without you even knowing. Words are like seeds, so if you spew ugly, painful, insulting, insensitive language, especially to impressionable youths who are still developing identity, ya might as well be spitting bullets.  Many of us are still running the script and eating the fruit from the trees grown from the bad seeds and we can’t figure out why our lives keep glitching.

Psychological Needs, according to Abraham Maslow (The Hierarchy of Needs, 1935) is the most basic foundational need we all have in common. How do you live a happy life when your head is either messed up or not in the game? Don’t take offense, but  sense NO BODY IS PERFECT and most of us grew up in some form of dysfunction, we are ALL JACKED UP, in one way or another.  But words have the power of life and death and the actions that accompany them only solidify the message. And whatever the message good or bad, whether it meets our needs or causes a “deficiency vacuum” is the stuff we build our lives and identity on.  Let me give you an example: A kid was playing, and they fell and skinned their knee and began to cry.

Scenario 1:  The Mom, upon hearing her child, Timmy cry, threw the phone down, ran outside calling him by name as she grabbed him up.  She hugged him and held him for a moment and spoke affirmative, reassuring words as she helped him to his feet.  With great care she cleaned him up, bandaged his leg and made sure he was alright before giving him a snack and laying him down to rest.   

Scenario 2: The Mom saw everything but was annoyed that her long awaited conversation was interrupted by her stepson’s “clumsy” accident. Even though she could hear the child scream, she finished the intense part of the conversation and took the phone out with her and said (into the phone)… “This lil clumsy bastard, not watching where he was going crashed his bike. Yep, that’s him screaming in the background.  She then snatched him to his feet and dragged him into the house, slapped a bandage on, and told him to go to his room… all while continuing the phone conversation.

Psychological Impact

Kid #1 (Needs Met):  Mom affirmed that the kid is valued, important, cared for and worthy of concern.

Kid #2 (Needs unmet, and deficiency/black hole/vacuum created) Parent affirms kid has less value, is lower priority than phone conversation, Kid is a bother and is not loved/liked and is left to self-soothe.  

~~~~~

Although Scenario #2 is a little extreme, I’m just trying to drive the point home. Words are seeds that are planted and the fruit from the trees that grow feed us fruit for years to come.  The only way to get rid of the bad scripts is to reprogram the hard drive.  Here’s how you do it:

1.  Remember the Murderous / Wounding Words

2. Forgive the perpetrator (If you need help, click here)

3. Get some AFFIRMATIONS and say them aloud to reprogram your thoughts (and change your trajectory)

For affirmations or help plucking up roots and changing out your fruit… I got you, click here. For more information on Communication check out my book 4Self 101 Chapter 3

FML Part 4: Broken Cookies

How old were you when you first did the do? By “the do” I mean had sex? Oh yeah, I’m getting right to the point this week. At first, I was going to make this blog post about money and being broke. The word “broke” as you may or may not know is slang that means “having no money.” It refers to a smashed piggy bank with its contents poured out. Not to be compared to with BROKENNESS. I do have lots to say about money, the poverty mindset, and the ridiculous amount of power we give money over our lives, that’ll come next week. BUT… because I’m feeling a bit snarky at the moment, I’ve changed my mind. This little talk is going to be about SEXUALITY, abstinence, and virginity (or loss thereof.)

I’m not sure how transparent I want to be with you regarding my own cookie-breaking experience… although I do feel my story is an important one (and so is yours.) Let me suffice it to say I was very very very young when I first had sex. I can talk about it now because I’m too old to get in trouble, lol. Not unlike most peer pressure stories, I was trying to fit into a small group much older than myself. Most believers will quote the “Thou Shall Not’s” of fornication, but in PRACTICALITY the real reason for not having sex when you’re too young for a lasting committed relationship … IS THE BURN! And by the burn, I’m not talking about a social disease… I mean HORNY-ness. Breaking the cookie for the first time is like opening Pandora’s box, uh literally.  It starts a fire that must be quenched. Simply put, sex was originally intended to be a divine glue that through desire, passion of orgasmic expression to transform two people (that belong to each other) into one person (complete unity in spirit, emotionally, and in purpose). That is why breakups, when sex was the norm, are so difficult because is like an amputation. Sex taken in the right context is good! However, when SEX is USED, it can be very damaging. Think of a raging unconstrained fire…

Nowadays sex is just a social activity, it’s no big deal. Sex has become so common… seems like it is normal expectation in dating. In DATING! I literally hesitate to say “before marriage” or “outside of marriage” because in the “world view” marriage is less popular than COVID! (smh) The “test drive” has become a real and necessary thing a prerequisite for choice-making. And I get it, I do… good sex is important. It’s both binding and freeing; both a flame and an extinguisher, a thirst and a quencher simultaneously. But the fact that society places more value on orgasms and fun, than it does on real connection, fidelity, and community is evidence of a moral decay.  The sad thing is lonely people often put themselves out there and date EVEN IF still jacked up from a previous thing. Knowing that they are not in the position (mentally or emotionally) to hold down a real relationship.  Baby if you’re broken… get your ish straight before bringing other people into your mix! OR BE HONEST upfront! I’m sorry (not sorry) but if sex is your main motive and you have no intention of having a relationship, it is your responsibility to let the object of your attention know - anything else is just wrong, I don’t care how you justify it.  

Whole people (with nothing broken and nothing missing) should do better. Remember the golden rule, “Do unto others …” blah blah blah you know the rest.  Let’s retool it to say:  Honor your SELF by valuing other people (everybody) as if they were an extension of your own person.  If you aren’t ready to deal with other people… don’t. If your flame is burning like that, don’t be shady find a SUBSTITUTION (side-eye) … I’m sure you know what I mean. Happy endings are best when you’re in a focused, committed, joyous relationship that has purpose. (Notice I said joyous and not happy) see previous blog post: FML 2: Unhappy

Decide today, I have, not to accept any more broken cookies. Either come whole or stay at home. That’s all I got to say. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT!!! The most important part! How to FML (FIX My Life)… You’ve given a piece of your SELF to every person you’ve had sex with and they’ve with you. So imagine giving&receiving with 10, 20…. 100 sexual partners. Talk about BROKEN COOKIES (and crumbs) yikes! To be WHOLE (and happy) you must reclaim all those pieces, and break the SOUL-TIES, which is the reason you can't get over him/her - your souls are tied… the sex did that. If you need help click here, I got you!

I See You

Remember that moment in the movie Avatar (20th Century Fox, 2009) when Nav’i princess Neytiri looked deep into the eyes of her human lover Jake Sully’s eyes and said, “I see you”? I usually find a line or two in every movie that frames it…. and that line simple but yet quite profound - did it for me. How many of us just want to be seen, but beyond that,  we want to be understood, cherished… valued? I think that’s everybody, according to Maslow’s (1943) Hierarchy of Needs.

Several years ago I took a class called Thrive. It focused on relationships and how the brain develops, or lack thereof, during the early developmental stages.  It might surprise you to learn how our behavior, desires and needs continue to roll on and even drive us to possess what we didn’t receive during our formative years.  On a personal level, I always “low-key” felt that the inability for people to show affection or make commitments was some type of disorder. Aaaaaaand I was right. Don’t get me wrong… the inability to maintain healthy relationships is a real thing many people struggle through (including myself, which is why I took the class in the first place).  Because this thing is multifaceted the roots run deep and spread out into many, many directions.   

The article “Understanding Adult Attachment Disorders” writer Nicola Davies, PhD lays it out so clearly.  She describes Attachment Disorders as “lacking the ability to connect with other individuals and form meaningful relationships.” She further mentions and I paraphrase, “For over 70 years Psychologists confirm that the ability to form healthy emotional relationships as adults is directly related to the child/caregiver relationship.” What this means, is if a parent neglected to connect emotionally (and physically) to their infant or child during the vital development years that literally  affects the brain’s growth in that area.  

WHY the disorder is developed:   

·      A child is constantly left to console itself (cry itself to sleep)

·      Child is ignored when they fall and hurt themselves

·      Parent seems annoyed when their child calls their name or wants to spend time

·      Very little to no Parent/child connecting, conversations, learning moments, affection, intimate moments.

There are other reasons why.  But the point is, in the absence of vitally needed interactions a child must depend on SELF.  They develop ways to sooth and comfort their own emotions and over time the child establishes an “I don’t need anybody” mentality. They crave a relationship but lack the ability to be attached or depend on others.  One might say, he/she is overly exposed but underdeveloped emotionally.  

Sure, not every parent is touchy feely, or comfortable with showing affection (it’s hard to give what you never received).  But this brokenness, will trickle into next generation and the next and the next, unless it is corrected.

Here is a simple fix: When you come across someone you care for… Look them in the eyes (with happy eyes), give them a REAL hug (not the pat, pat, pat, type) and let them know you are genuinely happy to see them.  What that does for you (and the other person) is this, according to the book:  The Life Model (James G. Friesen, et al, 2000) when we see each other and my happy-to-see-you eyes meet your happy-to-see-me eyes an energy is exchanged.  That energy activates the part of our brain and produces serotonin, which in turn gives you an exhilaration and feeds your soul.  They say, ‘The eyes are the door to the soul.” Each time you lovingly connect souls in this way, you heal the brain.  Try it and see how goooood it feels to be “seen”! 

Hey Reader (yes you)… I see you… and I am filled with joy, Thank you!