Aaand you are?

Have you ever had anyone ask you… “Who are you… really?” Not to say that you wear a mask or hide behind a personality (or several)… orrrr you might but the deeper point is, what is the state of your identity.  It’s the knowing who we are part that determines what the SELF Esteem does.

Back in the day, I once knew this fiiiine older man, a 6-foot tall, brown skinned Trinidadian.  When he spoke, SPLOOSH.  Though I kept mine contained I could see the women all around swooning as he talked.  You should’ve seen their husbands, lol… how many times did I want to say, “Green doesn’t look good on you.”  So, when Frank made a comment about my nose ring… “Guhl, why wouldya do that to ya face?” He proceeded to say that his wife wears no make-up and is naturally beautiful.  I thought “Yeah… so, what’s your point?” “If I had met you before I met her, I wouldn’t have even taken a 2nd look at you.  To do something so drastic must mean you have low self-esteem.” (#oldschool). Although I wanted to argue with him about the low self-esteem thing… I was stuck for real when he asked me “Who are you really?”  Number one, he caught me off-guard and secondly I was going through a really tough time in my life. And I hated, hated, hated being single, a single parent raising 3 children.    

I wonder if he would’ve backed down if I told him “I am a child of the Most High God.” But what does that really mean?  I know now, but then was I tired of being rejected and alone (#noBae). The person that I was seeing at the time was separated but not divorced, which was frowned upon in my circles. Eventually he told me “I can’t be your god” as he was breaking up with me.  And I thought “What the f^%$ does that mean?” In short he was saying… I can’t be everything that you need, it’s too much.  Was I smothering him? Did I need him near me every minute of the day?  IDK, but I always believed this was his poisonous female friend twisting what she saw because she herself wanted him? Either way, this all lead me on a journey to discover who I was in truth… and why I was sucking the life out of my guy.

Listen, we have talked about the “vacuum need” thing in previous posts (see Featured Posts).  This type of brokenness drives a person to suck, and suck and suck from their environment to fill in missing pieces of their psyche. And they often do outrageous things to “make themselves feeeel better” like partying a lot, tattoos and piercings… Quite simply they go outside of themselves to get what can only be found on the inside.  Physical things can not satisfy spiritual needs. (#Looking for love in all the wrong places). So in a sense, The Guy was right. You can’t plug a man into the “God-shaped” void and think you are going to be satisfied… “man” is only human. And just one of the benefits of actually knowing God is He will tell you about, show you - the real you. But you can’t shove off all the responsibility and work onto God.  You have to do the SELF-work of discovering/re-discovering your SELF. The Pproblem is many of us have just DONE life to the point that we haven’t actually taken time for SELF.  We give everything to everyone else and starve our own souls, almost to the point of death.  Look at yourself in the mirror and say… “To know me is to love me.” Know, your own SELF and fall in  love with you.  You’ve heard it a thousand times, whose gonna love you if you don’t love your SELF? And it rings true… you CAN NOT love anyone else UNTIL you love your own SELF.

Who am I? What’s your answer? Are you more than what we see? Why? What is your worth based on? What are your God-given gifts and talents?  What’s your purpose… everyone has them. Aaaand what are you DOING with them?  Don’t feel bad if you don’t have the answers right at this moment. This is my little push for BE “all in” this SELF DEVELOPMENT journey. Step #1) Answer the door to your heart,  God is knocking, and boy does He have some STUFF to tell you!

Need help answering the questions, I got you, CLICK HERE.

Power to BE me

How far back can you remember? My earliest memory was from age 1 or 2 years old.  I was sitting on the floor playing with my favorite stuffed animal, a pink bunny with my cousin Nicole next to me.  Smh, it’s funny how I can remember this but not my middle school years. No doubt there was more than a few tug-o-war moments over that bunny.  Whether I was wrong or right, I was always right, lol.  Funny that’s how the immature mind processes things. As long as you give me what is mine all is well. Otherwise “wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Sadly, some “grown” folks still use this tactic as a power play. Uhh, let’s move on (for now.)

My passion is seeing women whole, I guess it’s because I was broken for so long (aaaand didn’t even realize it.) But I find that conversation with other women is often like looking into a mirror. Like my conversations with Cassandra, one of my good friends who came to me with some relationship talk… I scratch my head (& wrinkle brow) noticing that things always end up with “the ball is in his court.” She’s a real go-get-‘em kind of gal in business … but in personal relationships not so much. And I told her, If you say, ”Why would anybody want someone like me” one more time I’m gonna smack her. She is a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent, and fun person. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see it.

And then a flag began to emerge thinking about how she mostly answers my questions with: “whatever you want” or “it’s up to you.” Giving me, as she does others, the power to decide her course. And then suddenly POP! Into my head comes the picture of Princess Imani from “Coming to America,” answering all Price Akeem’s questions with “Whatever youuuu want…” Next thing she’s hopping on one foot and barking like a dog. OUT OF MY HEAD, OUT OF MY HEAD! (lol) Listen, in today’s “Queendom” acting like that might be considered a low SELF-esteem moment. Most American black women I know would say… “Oh no, I would tell that fool to go to hell… bark like a dog?… Pschhhh, that ninja’s crazy.” But I digress… anyway. Somehow, being over accommodating and spoiling (without reciprocity) has become the mask of “a good woman” when the truth underneath it all is, we’ve given our power away due to FEAR of NOT BEING ENOUGH (or fear of rejection or abandonment.)

I try not to go “Flo” like in the Progressive Commercials with my friends and family but asking “non-judgmental” questions and just listening can accomplish more than you could imagine. I found that Cassandra’s father used to call her “nothing” “no good” “stupid” and “dumb” over and over again. Chiseling the message of nothingness, low-value and you’re undesirable and unwanted, onto the hard-drive of her consciousness.  So that every time an opportunity arose, it was immediately shot down by her father’s words in her head.  By the way, he’s passed away… yet his words still have power (control) over her identity… even now. His words have confined her in a box she hasn’t been able to escape.

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE BOX

First of all know, some people must put down others and elevate themselves (OVER their “monkies”) to feel SELF-value. This is super selfish because they never consider the effect it has on their victims (especially children). Yep, words can kill. They can imprison, immaculate, harden hearts, and cause insanity.  But they can also have power to heal, build up, strengthen and restore. Faith comes by hearing, but not just hearing… hearing the right words, life-giving words (for best results use the Word of God to transform your mind.) Let me make that practical for you…

1.   BREAK THE CHAINS: Face what was done and how it made you feel AND THEN FORGIVE THEM

2.   OPEN THE LID: Destroy the word power by “COMING OUT OF AGREEMENT”

3.  STAND UP: Speak Positive Affirmations and compliment your SELF out loud (hearing strengthens faith)

4.   STEP OUT: Set BOUNDARIES and don’t crumble (Use your voice, let your no be NO)

5.   STEADY youSELF: Focus on and strengthen your good qualities

6.   Give yourself a make-over and then STRUT YOU STUFF! Looking good feels good

7.    MAINTAIN IT: Create a SELF-care (me-time) regiment and stick to it  

8.   HAVE CONFIDENCE: Follow your own advice and trust your intuition (Get Help if needed)

9.   BE BOLD: Sharpen your communication skills, and speak up

10. CONQUER: Show up, BE you “In EVERY Moment” and enjoy yourSELF

Yahhhs, get your power back. But it’s gonna fizzle if you struggle with SELF-Identity. For more info on Self-esteem, Boundaries, Monkies, and Self-Care get your copy of 4SELF101 here (It’s not just for Teens).

Next week it’s The Power of the STRUT. Be here or be square and if you need help pulling it together, you know I got you, just CLICK.