Communication is a tricky thing. Me and first (and second) husband Rico Suave NEVER used to fight. Yes, the same man, you heard me right. I thought it was remarkable even brag-worthy… until I realized that he struggled IN GENERAL with expressing himself. It only became an issue when I found myself having to translate his communication, thoughts and intentions to others. Worn out (and yet continually dissatisfied with our own communication together) I realized this was not a “we fight.” It was not myyyyy responsibility to get his communication right any more than it was to find his way thru life. Every person has a moral obligation and responsibility (first to themselves) to BE who they are and to accurately present SELF to the world. It’s a very immature space where “everything I’m feeling, or what I think which consequently leads to my action (inaction) is EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT” and not my own. I get it, most of us have been through horrific things in our lives. Both he (Rico) and I hail from overbearingly strict households that were riddled with DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. But how long can we blame what we’ve been through as an excuse to remain immature?
Here’s a question that begs to asked… ‘If a “grown” dude” hated his own father (and stepfather,) pretty much all male authority figures…. ‘Who taught him to be a man?’ ” Well, in his defense… NO ONE, no one taught him to be a man. He built a wall (of distrust, hostility and PRIDE), that prevented him from forming healthy solid relationships and which forced him into the “School of Hard Knocks” where he learned how to SURVIVE (#bloodNguts) - but Not LIVE and love. This may be the hallmark of gang affiliation, but I’ve seen the same characteristics in people that didn’t have the benefit of a loving, caring, nurturing community to grow up in.
Life is funny, you can get on-a-roll and time just passes… but you don’t know what you don’t know until the “STICKS AND STONES (and throwing tantrums) that has always worked - no longer gets your point across. One shouldn’t have to be in a full-on Mid Life Crises, recovering from a heart-shattering break-up or in the throes of a debilitating illness to WAKE UP. The BOOK says, and it’s ALWAYS TRUE,
“When I was a child I spoke and behaved like a child, but when I became a man, I PUT AWAY CHILDISH THINGS.”
Growing up (physically) but remaining intellectually and emotionally stunted happens … especially as the result of childhood trauma. Afterall, “Being on a roll” (you know just surviving) may very well be THE REASON one may have missed the part that expressing one’s self (in an understandable way) is their own responsibility. Momma used to say… “A closed mouth can’t get fed.” (aka People aren’t mind-readers.) This means if you want/need something… OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SAY SOMETHING! It’s childish to rely on “hints” or to assume that since someone “has known you forever” that they know what you’re thinking. You’ve heard how bad ASSUMMING is, it makes an ASS of U and ME. Never take for granted that your experience with someone can predict their thoughts and actions. However, if you find that you’re repeating yourself a lot …. THAT’S ENTIRELY SOMETHING ELSE. More than likely, you’re being manipulated or on the receiving end of Passive Aggressive behavior or Narcissism. And if that’s the case it’s time for a little DAMAGE CONTROL! Get eye-2-eye confirmation that your “serial forgetter” (or confused person) actually understands what you’re saying before giving your boundaries/consequences. You see there will always always be those who you MUST TEACH HOW TO TREAT YOU. I like to call then bulldozers because they get off on crashing through other’s boundaries and feigning ignorance. Don’t trip though and DON’T LOSE YOUR COOL and “go off.” Just know it’s their attempt to control what they don’t have authority to.
As long as you have a clear sense of your own IDENTITY, you have AUTONOMY and the ability to live and the authority to reign through life. Stand firm, say what you mean… mean what you say and do the DANG THANG! If, however you are having problems getting a grasp on WHO YOU ARE, and WHAT YOUR PURPOSE IS… I can help, CLICK HERE.
For more information on “Right” Communication, “The School of Hard Knocks” and fighting fair, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens.