Inner Child 3: #Relationship Goals

In my book 4 SELF 101, Chapter 11: SELF-Care, we focus on “MiMi’s Story”, which is about a girl and her problematic dating life.  How many of you have heard “Do as I say, Not as I do”? Why do parents even go there? Don’t they know it’s the very nature of a child to gather data and put it into practice? That’s their very nature. So, guess where they gather their data? Duhhhhhh…

MiMi like many others, just wants to be loved and to have a good relationship that lasts. But her role models happen to be good women with bad dating (marrying) habits. All she’s ever seen are TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, so that’s her NORM. My story is very similar… lets visit my INNER CHILD and you’ll see what I mean.

Lil Anji: “My Mom and Dad, the most “handsomest” man in the world, were divorced when I was 4. I missed him sooo much that I used to cry at night “I want my daddy.” But I never saw him again for a long long time unless he was in one of my Honey-suckle tree daydreams. (see the previous blogpost Home Haunted Home.) One day my Mom remarried my “Pop” Bill and everything was good UNTIL… the “Saturday Nite Fights” started. Moses and me, clung together while dishes broke, and bodies hit the wall… it used to shake the entire tiny-house. To stop Baby Bruh from screaming and crying we used to sing songs under the covers.” (I was about 6 when I made a SELF-fulfilling promise that wreaked havoc in my future relationships…) “I’m never getting married, it takes you through too many changes.”

The mis-education of Lil Anji only included Mom (who was married & divorced 3 times), our neighbors the Browns, The Thompsons (like “Father Knows Best”) Uncle Al (married & divorced SIX times) and Grandma. When I went over Gram’s house, where I’d go to get away from the madness, BTW was also apparently haunted (#Poltergeist)... I’d notice “huh, no grandpa.” (I never new my Mom’s Dad.) But what I did see was how Gram owned her own home, a nice car, shopped at only the most expensive department stores (like Dillard and the former JC Pennys). She wore only the best leather shoes and owned diamonds and furs… and all this on a 3rd grade education! She was the Matriarch, her legacy set the expectation and standard of “Female Independence, Class and Strength.” Following in her footsteps became my very own CORE VALUE. But how many of you know your greatest strength can turn out to be you’re greatest weakness? INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN just is... She is queen, conquerer, regal… yes worthy of admiration. BUT! The Mindset…. can be toxic to loving partnerships because she’s ruling PERIODT. I’mma set that right there (and leave it alone) for a later time…. because that’s a whole nuther’ discussion.

Now with that said, I love being an Independent Black Woman, and I have worked hard at it, but it’s taken a lot of SELF work to get the right balance. So let me boil this down for you right quick. Lil Anji was (and still is) a daddy’s girl who experienced REJECTION and ABANDONMENT. She mainly experienced only TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS growing up (marriages that never lasted.) She made an INNER VOW to never get married. And her top CORE VALUE was to maintain her crown of being an INDEPENDENT BLACK QUEEN. And I am telling all that came with a lot of MONKIES and GENERATIONAL STUFF that present day me has had to fight through, dissect, and be healed of - in order to find the HAPPYLIFE.

One huge thing was figuring out what I really wanted. I had a bad case of double-mindedness (Wanting but not wanting at the same time (#RELATIONSHIP STALL). I realized the only way to change my circumstances was to 1) Understand what happened back there, 2) UNLEARN unhealthy mindsets, and 3) Change the way I do things. (Remember the definition of INSANITY.) Rethinking thing, fixing what is broken, using positive confessions and redirecting your energy … IS VITAL! But like SELF Development, it’s a work in progress. I encourage you to follow my footsteps and visit your INNER CHILD (once again) to look at your relationships and you will see where many of your today-issues came from. Its a starting place to address your MONKIES and become whole. For you can only experience true happiness from a place of WHOLENESS.

In all seriousness, dealing with generational issues, curses and habits (the sins of the fathers/mothers) is a spiritual journey. Find a Christian Counselor that has experience with deliverance and inner healing. And if you need help getting started, as always, I got you - CLICK HERE.

For more information on MONKIES, MiMi’s Story and overcoming TOXIC dating behavior, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here, it’s not just for Teens… it’s also for the TEEN in you.

Next Blog I’mma tell you about Paul who I fell in love with at 3 years old.

Inner Child 2: Home Sweet "Haunted" Home

7015 Lena was “home” during my growing up years.  Not much to look at, it was in “the county” of  St. Louis, a small town scarcely even heard of unless you lived there or nearby.  Diversity was just beginning, and we were one of the two black families (in the whole area) “lucky enough” to experience it. I can still hear racial slurs flying at me as I walked home from Dairy Queen. Momma, the queen that she was, taught us to strive to be better than that ignorance.

It took some time for this house to feel like home, I am quite sure it was haunted, lol. Not so much like Poltergeist, but I guess it was what happened there that continued to haunt me decades after leaving there. I used to have “Freddy Krueger” like nightmares that drew me back into the thick of things…until I addressed the demons and God healed me. A lil’ brick house, that was so tiiiiiiny I sometimes felt claustrophobic, and it was infested with roaches… (I shiver just thinking about it.) There is nothing worse than eating Raisin Bran cereal only to discover that the box said Kellogg’s Corn Flakes… Gross? (You have no idea!) Believe me “The Tent” was a very welcomed interruption to our lives. And the clean-up…**gagggggg** I can’t even tell you.

I shared a room with my super “BAD” little brother, which I mostly hated except for when Mom and “Pop” (my Stepdad) fought.  We held each other until the yelling and bumping stopped. (I’m semi-old now and I still jump when I hear loud noises.) The door in the kitchen… led down to the back door and out to the garage & back yard. But if you continued to the right, you’d descend into a pregnant scary darkness, that would chill you to the bone. You’d be smart to hit that light first, up by the kitchen door. The previous owner constructed the space into a commercial grade Sports Bar complete with padded leather stools, a pool table, a refrigerator, and wine bottle racks that were anchored into a mirrored wall behind the bar. I’m sure some serious $%@# went on down there… it just felt earie. There was a bottle on the rack that had what looked like a woman’s breast in it. I kid you not! With a signed certificate that said, “I John SoNSo can do anything I want to anyone on my property.” WHY DIDN’T WE CALL THE POLICE?!!! We were young children, and we didn’t know what to do… so we called our friends over who confirmed the incredulous site and we all decided to get give the bottles a proper burial in the backyard.

For me the best part of the house was outside. Going out to play was just what we did.  I mean, after doing homework and chores we’d just disappear until curfew (when the streetlights come on.) Raise your hand if you know somethin’ bout that! Under the pink honeysuckle bush, whose fragrance would fill our room as if calling me to herself. It’s where I’d go to get away from baby bruh. Nestled in the backyard where the fence met the back of the house, there was a space just Lil Anji sized that I’d crawl into and suck the honey from stems for hours. Other times kids filled our yard from all around to play tag, kickball, “Catch one, Catch all” and hide N seek, … but at dusk if you weren’t in the house or on your way home … “your ass was grass!” Lol, I can remember Ms. Kitty doing the rollcall: “Percy, Debra, Demetrius, Denise and Daryl !!!!!!!!!” and seeing the terror in their eyes for what was coming next.

7015 Lena was where I learned about loneliness, relationships, domestic violence and terror but it’s also where I have precious memories of dancing in the darkness (me and all my siblings) to the strobe-lit stereo speakers playing 70’s soul music.  It used to cheer up Momma, when she was depressed, which was often… she’d have a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other.  Even in the dark you could see her blinking, blinking, blinking away tears. We were “house-poor” latch-key kids who often created things to do for entertainment like “beat boxing” (before it was popular) or play-fighting “in SLO-MO,” we’d play cards and board games or roller-skated to music in the garage.  Growing older we’d hang out in the front yard under the big tree (it’s gone now) or on the side lawn until 3am, it was safe to leave your front doors unlocked. It was cool as long as Momma knew where we were. She was super strict, and life was hard sometimes but she, a single parent did something I never could do … have the same home phone number (383-0465) the entire time we were there.  Remember the old landline phone in the hall with the circular dial? Ahhh now that was stability.  Oh well it was the best of times, and it was also occasionally… the worst of times.  

People say, “It’s not good to dwell on the past.”  But I say, do your own visit to the past… don’t get stuck there. Otherwise, how will you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve come from. Certainly, who you were then has had an impact on the you of today. Visiting your “inner child” and writing down your own story is not only therapeutic but seeing things with mature eyes may catch something missed or change your entire prospective on things that have you stuck and unable to move forward. And dealing with old issues today, sets you up for a better, happier tomorrow. Don’t put if off any longer. And if you need some help…. as always, I got you. CLICK HERE.

Inner-Child 1: Siblings

We all have an inner child.  For a long time, I lost track of mine.  But you know, hhhhhh…. That child’s experiences and the emotions, and antidotes, are to a large degree the reason we are who we are today. Its crazy, I had a hard childhood and I’ve blocked so much from my memory that there are gaps… like for instance, I hardly remember any of my schoolteacher’s names. But in a lot of ways, my childhood was great. We were one of 2 black families in the whole area (and there was racism) but we made friendships that remain to this day.

I think our tiny house was haunted… but “County” living (in what used to be a middleclass neighborhood) let us leave our doors unlocked at night and hang out until the wee hours of the morning on the side lawn, back yard or under the big tree in the front yard (which is now gone). I mostly hated sharing a room with my baby bruh, who would tear up the room in 5 minutes after I spent all day cleaning it. “Mommmmmmmmmm!!!!” I’d scream … and she’d just say 1 of 2 things, “Oh boys will be boys” OR “Don’t you hit my baby.” He was a bad little m-effer and no day went by that we didn’t want to just kill ‘em. Today, he’s the first to admit it too, lol. But! Sharing a room came in handy to get through the “Saturday Night Fights” (Pop arriving home to a very  drunk & angry Mom after partying all night.)  We clung to and consoled each other until the bumps and yelling stopped.

When my 2 older sisters who had lived with my father’s sister, Doris finally came home, I had forgotten they existed. After all they were gone for “temporary” 1-1/2 years.  In that time, we lived with my grandmother, and Mom fell in love, got married and had another baby.  At 3-4 that was practically half of my young life. I was so excited and all I ever wanted to be “one of them.” But I pushed and pushed so much so that I got into things that no elementary school kid should’ve gotten into. Things that made me grow up too fast.  Momma was very strict, and she expected so much… too much from us. After that last fight, the breaking of my mother’s nose and the divorce, the dust began to settle and life got back to normal, until… my big sis Renee refused to attend and graduate from school. I woke up to bumping, Renee was standing up in the tub under the head with Mom’s hands wrapped around her neck.  Next thing you know she was on a plane to California to stay with our uncle. Tired of Mom’s anger and abuse, it wasn’t long until Merel (13) and I (10) ran away (with the help of my aunt Doris) to be with our father also in California. Dad, however, returned us after 6 months and Renee came home too.  And then… life became stable.

But I remember sitting on my “Corner Unit” bed wondering what a “normal life” was like, when a big, wonderful breeze would fill the room with a marvelous, sweet aroma.  In that moment, I knew that someone somewhere loved me and that everything would be alright. Well one day, I just had to know the source of this natural phenomena.  I stood up on my bed and pressed my face to the screen, and I strained to see… and in the bottom of my periphery I saw but just barely, some itty-bitty pink pedals. I put the real estate classifieds aside which I checked every day, I jumped down and I ran straight out the front door.  I made my way down the side of the house and there it was! A honeysuckle bush. I ran to it and buried my face in it. Ohhh! I couldn’t take in enough of its sweetness. The joy I felt upon realizing the roots were on our property! It was nestled in the corner of the  backyard fence that was connected to the edge of the house. I ran through the front door, down the quarter stairs and out the back door and ahhhhhaaaaaa… there it was.  Immediately, I spotted an opening like a little doorway at the bottom and inside I crawled. There was enough room for me to sit up and I stayed there for hours, pulling stems, sucking honey, and reminiscing about my past life. The one where I lived somewhere else… with my daddy. I had found a secret place all my own where I could be safe and I spent many, many, hours there.

You know what?  I can trace all of my adult issues through the lines of this story. I bet if you wrote down, your story (we all have one) that you could do the same. You may see things  (even yourself) in a way you haven’t before.  This is a healing process, one that will bring you strength and joy, so finish it by talking to someone (a professional) who can help you sort it all out. Now… you’re on the way to a HappyLife.

By the way, you’ve just had a sneak peek into my soon coming children’s book series (stay tuned.)

The Bucket List

Part of the whole reason I am screaming this Self-Development thing is because I think everyone deserves a HappyLife. Many years ago, the reason I started working with teens (and wrote 4SELF 101) was because I saw how hard they struggle with Identity.  Knowing that all things come from who you are, the result of the pivotal switch-over woman were making from “housewife” to working Moms, was leaving a whole lot of kids in the crags of SELF-formation. As the old people used to say, “ it was just a crying shame.” For real for real, let me tell you what took me over the edge, listening to a 14-year-old girl talk about “chilling with her boyfriend” (on the couch under covers) and as she said “mom was good with it.” Though my face didn’t show it, internally I was like “WHAT THE HELL?!”

Even as an adult and single mom, I could shake it. Trying to give that mom the benefit of a doubt…I get working all day and “picking my battles” … afterall, wasn’t it better to have the little fast girl home instead of running the streets? Ehhhh, that’s stretching it too far… I can’t … on what planet is it ok to NOT PROTECT your young daughter’s virginity?  And then be the first to holler when she comes up pregnant!! But then it dawned on me, a parent cannot teach what they themselves have not learned. How many teens, do you suppose, are actually raising teens (and winging it as they go along.) This is because they didn’t take the time to develop the SELF before jumping off into life. Ya want to know how to live your best life?  Start by knowing THYSELF and to do that you have to prioritize time to assess and build your SELF. For some of you, you’ll literally need to reintroduce yourself to uh… your SELF.  Coming to know who you are apart from your family, tribe and community is a deep endeavor.  And then there is the discovery  (or rediscovery) of your wants, needs, likes and dislikes… Dealing with your Monkies, inner thought life, and self-talk… You can get your step by step guide in my book, 4SELF 101. Do yourself a solid and finish the SELF work on your own inner-teen before dealing with your kids. Because if you want to know the truth, I’ve dealt with a lot of teens that were more mature than their own parents.

 So, what does this all have to do with “The Bucket List”? The design of your life is molded around your purpose. Everyone has a purpose.  Many of you already have a little listy- list. The younger you are, the more time you have, right? You can “afford” to be spontaneous or to take you time (orrr can you?)  Certainly, older people have to be more strategic, but regardless of who you are and how old/young you are, purpose changes things. Knowing your purpose will change your view and it will help you prioritize (and be more efficient.)  With that being said, YES OF COURSE, you should have crazy, fun, out of the way things on the list to accomplish and experience.  As in Meet Joe Black (Universal Pictures, 1998), “Get some gooood pictures to take with you.“

How your list may change after knowing your purpose:

Before Discovering Purpose:

Bungie Jumping

Backpack through Europe

A Menag’e trois

 After discovering my purpose (Restoring families)

Group trip to Europe (include parasailing, zip-lining and hiking)

Couples Massage

Night skinny dipping (with spouse)

Teaching Parents to spice up their alone time

 Purpose is everything.  And knowing what yours … cuts the fat (time wasters) from your life. Purpose, should guide your choices and goals. The point is, when you get to the exit door of your life and you look back… that last breath should be a satisfying exhale.  

#Noregrets #noshoulda woulda couldas

For more info on getting your Inner-Teen under control get your copy of 4SELF 101 here. If you’re not satisfied with your life I can help, click here.

Catfishing

When I say “CATFISH” what comes to mind? I think of Nev Shulman (and Max) and MTV Docu Series, which, I think established a new definition in dictionaries as: “A fake or stolen online identity created or used for the purposes of beginning a deceptive relationship.”

Basically it’s creating a whole persona, online, to fool people into saying “yes.” Time after time we saw one victim after another needing help to connect with someone real. After “falling in love” online. And sometimes victims were involved for yeeeeears, smh. Until seeking help from counselor and connection maker Nev who would come in and try to order from the mess. Usually it was one self-esteem deficient person perusing to find some unsuspecting desperate person looking for and needing a real and meaningful relationship. This is the picture of the “catfish” and their victim. Whatever reason the catfish gave for doing what they were doing, deceiving others, the real answer always turned out to be brokenness (whether they saw it or not.) Sometimes it took awhile. But the victim was always, always destroyed.

When people create their “Representative” it’s because they don’t love who they are. And because of that basic truth they carry the hurt and anger from a pivotal Rejection/Abandonment situation into every new relationship they get into. What they fail to understand, is that it’s not their looks that runs people away… it’s how they act, process and respond to others out of their unresolved pain. It’s the brokenness that has filled their character with a black hole that sucks and sucks until it’s filled (aka the vacuum need.)

Let me say this as plain as I can… Catfishing is deceptive. Bottom line, you are lying. And the first person you’re lying to is YOURSELF. Respect and honor yourself by discovering the beauty you posses. You are worthy of love and respect, but if you don’t know why… why should anybody else? Love can only come from a healthy heart. And if you just can’t get there get help, uh from a professional, not your bestie. It’s time to stop hiding behind a lie, a mask, a representative because they’re just band-aids. Band aids are meant to be temporary, they are not made to hold up an entire SELF-life. This kind of deception hurts other people, but mainly, it’s hurting you even more.

Listen there’s nothing sexier then knowing who you are and carrying it well. If I am whole and happy on the inside… it doesn’t matter one bit what anyone else thinks. Really it doesn’t matter. This space you become a magnet for all the good, solid, worthwhile things. I don’t care how fine someone is, if they are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN YOUR LIFE… like/love yourself enough to LET IT GO. This make room for what is supposed to be. When you have to work, and work, and deceive, and manipulate to get and keep a thing, it’s not for you. PERIOD! Life is so hard because most of the time we make it that way.

If you want to be happy and this goes for EVERYBODY, not just for people who catfish, look hard into the mirror and look at your life (on a regular basis) and if you don’t love what you see or how you show up… fix it. But use reality not fantasy to improve your life. Genuine and authentic is always better (and more dependable) than a fake. It is what it is. In fact, if you can’t say and mean “I am who I am, I like me… you don’t have to” then you’ve got lots of SELF work and discovery to do.

And I can help. The first thing to do is pick up your copy of 4SELF 101 (its for the teenager in you.) Lets pull it together, it’s time to “GET YOUR LIFE” and take over the world (in your own way.) There are people out there that can’t wait to know the real you.

Girl POWER

If the Girl Scouts motto is “Girls can do anything” it must be true! It is my personal belief that God created man as a reflection of Himself, but then so that Man would not be alone, He created still in His own image … an upgrade, known as WOMB-man aka woman, EVE. To Adam God gave A JOB, and the power of stamina, reasoning, and problem-solving, to complete it, aka MASCULINE ENERGY. And then gave him the physical capacity and authority to get ‘er done! (That’s so sexy). But to Eve (which by the way means, to breathe, to live, and to give life) he gave FEMININE ENERGY.

Neither Masculine nor Feminine Energy, are assigned to a particular gender, they are both sides of who God is. Masculine energy is protective, incredibly focused, linear thinking, creates solutions and is very pragmatic, and logical. Masculine energy is good at setting up structures, creating lines, and coloring within them. Whereas Feminine energy is creative, expressive, nurturing, good at cleaning out/purging, and is amazing with multitasking. But she has another special power and that is her WOMB. “MOVIE FLASH” ever seen “Harlem Nights” (Paramount Pictures, 1989) with Eddie Murphy, Redd Fox, Richard Pryor, Arcenio Hall, and Della Reese? There was a prostitute whose yoni was said to be better than “Sunshine” (paraphrase). You’ll have to watch it to know what that’s all about… Uhhh I don’t have to explain what a “yoni” is, right? … (bugged eyes, pursed lips, head tilt) A woman’s yoni is said to be the gateway of life, but also a portal to heavenly dimensions. Originally created to be a sacred, mystical place of healing, the garden of one’s life mate. Lately, though she’s more seems treated more like a ballpark than the sanctuary she was designed to be. Way too many bats in the cage, bases been run so many times ya can’t find home plate anymore. But… I digress. She’s more subject to “wham-bam thank you ma’am” situations thing than true intimacy. She’s the bountiful and divine banquet that has been reduced down to a “snack basket.”  

Women CEO’s pretty much have to “grow a pair” to “Boss-up” and gain the respect of men in order to lead them. I have mad respect for CEOs like Roz Brewer, Thasunda Brown Duckett, Michell Gass (Fortune.com) or Sami Wunder (also a blogger) who have obviously changed the world by balancing both masculine and feminine energy – and creating a more equitable workspace for all. Now that’s GIRL POWER IN ACTION (the feminine edge.)

From GIRL to WOMAN   

I told my son, “Having a penis no more makes you a man than living in a garage makes you a car.” That means stop playing around and get your life together. Either you are or you’re not. If you’re going to be a man (woman/grown-up) be a good one. Women, walk the walk of a ROYALTY be a Queen, get your “STRUT” on. Anybody can look the part, but who are you really? Nationally-published best-selling author, speaker, Master Life Coach (and my good friend) Debrena Jackson Gandy says be a “Juicy Woman,” which she defines this way:

“A Juicy Woman is committed to having a full spirit, clear mind, open heart, well body, and wisely manages her energy as part of her daily reality. The Sacred Self-Caring Consciousness is a NEW paradigm based in higher-dimension beliefs about her Self, God, her body as a divine living temple, feminine power, and abundance that create an experience of deeper joy, peace, ease, self-expression, freedom and FLOW-ductivity in her mind, body, spirit, relationships and life.”

So how does one move from being what I call “IN HER GIRL” to becoming a “Woman.” The Book says, “When I was a child, I acted like a child but when I became grown (a woman) I put away childish things.” Coming out of “your girl” means you no longer use the old tools immature women do to get what you need. You throw away manipulation, tantrums, or ghosting people when you don’t get what you want. Stop running into situations blindly using emotions or feelings as your guide. And STOP using “womanese” (language only women understand) to communicate with men. We are so hard on “babymen”, but we tend not to do self-assessments… If you are grown, it’s time to move out of “your girl” into Womanhood and take the world by storm! I realize if you’ve come from a long line of “Independent” women, (The I don’t need a man group) where you MUST BE both bread-winner and nurturer to survive, you may have to deal with some issues and LEARN to soften and come away from the instinctive “Boss-up” energy so that you can have successful dating relationships. Just know time doesn’t always heal ALL WOUNDS, there is no shame in getting help. Get closure so that you can move forward for real.

For “Juicy Woman” Coaching, let me introduce you to my friend Debrena Jackson Gandy.  For more information on Communication (and womanese) get a copy of 4SELF101 here (its not just for Teens.)

The Power of Accountability

Last week we talked about the Power of the Strut. Yes, strutting as in “strutting your stuff.” In my mind’s eye I see the glamorous, and divine Naomi Campbell who serves up the essence of the “flawless walk,” mesmerizing both crowd and critic doing what she does in a way no one else can.  Your “gait” (or style of walking) gets you from point A to point B, but the true testament of your who you are for real is displayed by your WALK.  When I refer to your WALK, I’m speaking of your overall conduct… the way you “walk out your life,” which is molded and formed by your Core Values. WALKing denotes, traveling, getting down the road, having somewhere to go, as in “running a race.” The Book says, “Run in such a way that you finish.” Besides the fact that other people (your kids, family, etc.) are watching, one should strive to not only finish, but to finish well.  How do you want people to remember you when you’re gone? I’m sure not a hot mess… lol.

Uhhhh I’m gonna just assume that you do have Core Values (if not I can help you with that later.) Core values are a list of what’s most important to you. They shape your thoughts, intentions, goals and actions. Core Values rank right up there with boundaries, purpose, and freedom of choice. Track with me for a moment: Imagine that you had an out of body experience and your spirit floated so high that you could see your life from beginning to end. I bet you would discover what you “woulda, coulda, shoulda” change, as do most people that come to the end of their lives. Working backward from that point imagine your “best life” and choose your Core Values well.  From time to time recheck them and toss out the Core Values that no longer fit… like the ones we adopt due to trauma and hurt. That have us relentlessly chasing things that seemed important at the time but from the 1000 foot view turn out to be a waste (#monkies).

Because we cannot live entirely alone to ourselves, we need community, family… our tribe, and healthy relationships. Relationships require responsibility, as do all things.  And with responsibility you will find a level of ACCOUNTABILITY. “Accountability” has it’s good and bad points. For those who struggle with authority figures, responsibility/accountability situations, and being (made) accountable … “accountability” in general, Accountability is like a cuss word. The whole idea of it is too much like, “having to explain or justify themselves” AND “getting in trouble” or “being criticized” for doing wrong. This is a form of brokenness that comes from betrayal or abandonment of an original authority figure. For SELF- protection they are always on edge, and suspicious of all other Authority Figures or relationships that require something from them. Accountability can also be rough on leaders. Especially when who they are (their IDENTITY) is tied to what they do. Nice people can turn into control freaks and tyrants trying to protect their ministry, the business they created, even their personhood. Its like getting lost going to a party, but you have too much pride to ask anyone (especially your date/wife sitting next to you) for directions. I’M DRIVING, I GOT THIS!!! (There’s nothing worse than a backseat driver. Lol.) 

Except, accountability is there to HELP YOU!!! Accountability helps you stay straight and on the right track. If your IDENTITY is intact, and strong… you know who you are and what you are called to do, NO ONE CAN take away what’s yours, period. The point is, who are you without that thing?  If you live for the praise, accolades, money and/or power the position gives you, and you’re not sure who you’d be without them? Then you need to step back, really assess things and  separate your BEing from your DOing. Why, because chances are you’ve made that thing into an idol… a god, which you focus all your time, and energy into - so that it will feed your need. (Been there, done that.) The worst thing about that is, you lose yourself and the people that love you suffer for it.  

So, the power of accountability is: 1) The support of others to redirect and correct you, if necessary, makes you stronger (and keeps you from looking crazy.) 2) Being aware and responsible keeps you on your game, 3) It keeps you grounded, and safe from undue scrutiny and conflict, 4) Helps you know where you are and how to communicate that and 5) Helps you perfect your STRUT! (See previous blog)

For more info on Core Values, Accountability, Accountability Partners, Dealing with Monkies get your copy of 4SELF101 (its not just for teens) or CLICK HERE.