Inner Child 2: Home Sweet "Haunted" Home

7015 Lena was “home” during my growing up years.  Not much to look at, it was in “the county” of  St. Louis, a small town scarcely even heard of unless you lived there or nearby.  Diversity was just beginning, and we were one of the two black families (in the whole area) “lucky enough” to experience it. I can still hear racial slurs flying at me as I walked home from Dairy Queen. Momma, the queen that she was, taught us to strive to be better than that ignorance.

It took some time for this house to feel like home, I am quite sure it was haunted, lol. Not so much like Poltergeist, but I guess it was what happened there that continued to haunt me decades after leaving there. I used to have “Freddy Krueger” like nightmares that drew me back into the thick of things…until I addressed the demons and God healed me. A lil’ brick house, that was so tiiiiiiny I sometimes felt claustrophobic, and it was infested with roaches… (I shiver just thinking about it.) There is nothing worse than eating Raisin Bran cereal only to discover that the box said Kellogg’s Corn Flakes… Gross? (You have no idea!) Believe me “The Tent” was a very welcomed interruption to our lives. And the clean-up…**gagggggg** I can’t even tell you.

I shared a room with my super “BAD” little brother, which I mostly hated except for when Mom and “Pop” (my Stepdad) fought.  We held each other until the yelling and bumping stopped. (I’m semi-old now and I still jump when I hear loud noises.) The door in the kitchen… led down to the back door and out to the garage & back yard. But if you continued to the right, you’d descend into a pregnant scary darkness, that would chill you to the bone. You’d be smart to hit that light first, up by the kitchen door. The previous owner constructed the space into a commercial grade Sports Bar complete with padded leather stools, a pool table, a refrigerator, and wine bottle racks that were anchored into a mirrored wall behind the bar. I’m sure some serious $%@# went on down there… it just felt earie. There was a bottle on the rack that had what looked like a woman’s breast in it. I kid you not! With a signed certificate that said, “I John SoNSo can do anything I want to anyone on my property.” WHY DIDN’T WE CALL THE POLICE?!!! We were young children, and we didn’t know what to do… so we called our friends over who confirmed the incredulous site and we all decided to get give the bottles a proper burial in the backyard.

For me the best part of the house was outside. Going out to play was just what we did.  I mean, after doing homework and chores we’d just disappear until curfew (when the streetlights come on.) Raise your hand if you know somethin’ bout that! Under the pink honeysuckle bush, whose fragrance would fill our room as if calling me to herself. It’s where I’d go to get away from baby bruh. Nestled in the backyard where the fence met the back of the house, there was a space just Lil Anji sized that I’d crawl into and suck the honey from stems for hours. Other times kids filled our yard from all around to play tag, kickball, “Catch one, Catch all” and hide N seek, … but at dusk if you weren’t in the house or on your way home … “your ass was grass!” Lol, I can remember Ms. Kitty doing the rollcall: “Percy, Debra, Demetrius, Denise and Daryl !!!!!!!!!” and seeing the terror in their eyes for what was coming next.

7015 Lena was where I learned about loneliness, relationships, domestic violence and terror but it’s also where I have precious memories of dancing in the darkness (me and all my siblings) to the strobe-lit stereo speakers playing 70’s soul music.  It used to cheer up Momma, when she was depressed, which was often… she’d have a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other.  Even in the dark you could see her blinking, blinking, blinking away tears. We were “house-poor” latch-key kids who often created things to do for entertainment like “beat boxing” (before it was popular) or play-fighting “in SLO-MO,” we’d play cards and board games or roller-skated to music in the garage.  Growing older we’d hang out in the front yard under the big tree (it’s gone now) or on the side lawn until 3am, it was safe to leave your front doors unlocked. It was cool as long as Momma knew where we were. She was super strict, and life was hard sometimes but she, a single parent did something I never could do … have the same home phone number (383-0465) the entire time we were there.  Remember the old landline phone in the hall with the circular dial? Ahhh now that was stability.  Oh well it was the best of times, and it was also occasionally… the worst of times.  

People say, “It’s not good to dwell on the past.”  But I say, do your own visit to the past… don’t get stuck there. Otherwise, how will you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve come from. Certainly, who you were then has had an impact on the you of today. Visiting your “inner child” and writing down your own story is not only therapeutic but seeing things with mature eyes may catch something missed or change your entire prospective on things that have you stuck and unable to move forward. And dealing with old issues today, sets you up for a better, happier tomorrow. Don’t put if off any longer. And if you need some help…. as always, I got you. CLICK HERE.

Time Bomb

Ever wish you could pick up a universal remote like Adam Sandler in Click (Sony Pictures, 2006) and just fast forward through the sucky times in your life? And I’ve had a lot of those., in fact it was most of my kids childhood. If not for their love, laughter, little personalities and hugs and kisses, I might’ve fallen off of reality altogether. I hated life because I was lonely and I was really angry with God, I’m saying this OUT LOUD because most people feel a certain kind of way when they don’t get answers to their prayers. But instead of  ADMITTING where they are they transfer their faith in God to SELF or others.

Honestly I felt like I would just EXPLODE if God didn’t come through for me. But I carried on, living because I had to… but I was in survival mode a very long time. Every Sunday I showed up to church wearing the “Churchface.” I sang, praised and served AND told everyone who asked, “I’m blessed,” smiling on the inside but crying on the inside. My tribe (Christian brothers, sisters and friends) were instrumental in pulling me out of that dark place. I couldn’t have made it without them.  

But to be desperately unfulfilled (and seemingly forgotten or ignored) is a terrible place to be… and it’s where most people are when they turn away from religion and give up on God. They say… “I’ve tried religion and prayer and they don’t work.” If you’ve been there let me ask you, “Did you have a RELATIONSHIP with God?” Or did you get caught up into the rules and Thou Shalt Nots of organized RELIGION? Did you hear about this dude who did miracles and walked on water or did you actually meet Him for yourself? Ah, now that’s something different, isn’t it? You see when you have a relationship with people you must spend time, talk, and share experiences (aka you get to know them.) You see, that’s what the Christian (Christ follower) lifestyle is all about… not RELIGION (a system of rules and conducts one must follow to be righteous “in good” with God. So prayer is basically communication with God, not to the universe or “whoever is listening.” Its an intentional, focused, and directed conversation. And a conversation involves at least 2 people, an exchange - giving AND receiving - talking AND LISTENING.

Imagine your best friend coming up to you, balling their eyes out as they beg for your help and as soon as they say what they must, they turn around and walk away before you could respond. That would be a little weird right? Well that’s exactly how lots of people pray. It’s all about them … I have to say it, God is not a celestrial Santa Claus, He’s a good & loving father who wants to be connected to His children. And like any good father does, He wants the best for His kids. So that means He ain’t gonna give you EVERYTHING you ask for when and how you want it, especially if it would hurt you or someone else. And that never made sense to me until my own prayer of marrying my man dissolved. But you see only God knew that he would never hold down a steady job, or that he would become chronically irresponsible and a meth addict.

The hardest part about prayers is the waiting.  God answers prayers in 3 different ways, “Yes,” “Wait,” or I have BETTER.”  That means some answers come quickly but most times… answers are suuuuuuuper slowwwwww.  It’s because we are not ready to receive what we’re asking for, even tho we think we are. Waiting and waiting with no satisfaction does make the heart sick. We become frustrated, angry and then bitter.  But our habit of doing all the talking we eventually wonder if there is anyone on the other end. AND in our failure to listen we misconstrue the “wait” or “I’ve got better” for a “NO.” And that place right there opens the door to receive messages like “No body’s coming” and “God ain’t real.” By the way, they didn’t come from God! Are you trackin’ wit me or did I go to deep for ya?

So if you pray, 1) Know who you’re praying to. To get God’s attention you have to believe in Him, 2) Get you a relationship with Him, 3) Then have a 2-way conversation #speak/listen, 3) Be willing to wait on your answer, 4) Trust that God cannot lie and He will come through and 5) Be thankful before your answer comes. And walk as if you already have what you’ve asked for.

Catfishing

When I say “CATFISH” what comes to mind? I think of Nev Shulman (and Max) and MTV Docu Series, which, I think established a new definition in dictionaries as: “A fake or stolen online identity created or used for the purposes of beginning a deceptive relationship.”

Basically it’s creating a whole persona, online, to fool people into saying “yes.” Time after time we saw one victim after another needing help to connect with someone real. After “falling in love” online. And sometimes victims were involved for yeeeeears, smh. Until seeking help from counselor and connection maker Nev who would come in and try to order from the mess. Usually it was one self-esteem deficient person perusing to find some unsuspecting desperate person looking for and needing a real and meaningful relationship. This is the picture of the “catfish” and their victim. Whatever reason the catfish gave for doing what they were doing, deceiving others, the real answer always turned out to be brokenness (whether they saw it or not.) Sometimes it took awhile. But the victim was always, always destroyed.

When people create their “Representative” it’s because they don’t love who they are. And because of that basic truth they carry the hurt and anger from a pivotal Rejection/Abandonment situation into every new relationship they get into. What they fail to understand, is that it’s not their looks that runs people away… it’s how they act, process and respond to others out of their unresolved pain. It’s the brokenness that has filled their character with a black hole that sucks and sucks until it’s filled (aka the vacuum need.)

Let me say this as plain as I can… Catfishing is deceptive. Bottom line, you are lying. And the first person you’re lying to is YOURSELF. Respect and honor yourself by discovering the beauty you posses. You are worthy of love and respect, but if you don’t know why… why should anybody else? Love can only come from a healthy heart. And if you just can’t get there get help, uh from a professional, not your bestie. It’s time to stop hiding behind a lie, a mask, a representative because they’re just band-aids. Band aids are meant to be temporary, they are not made to hold up an entire SELF-life. This kind of deception hurts other people, but mainly, it’s hurting you even more.

Listen there’s nothing sexier then knowing who you are and carrying it well. If I am whole and happy on the inside… it doesn’t matter one bit what anyone else thinks. Really it doesn’t matter. This space you become a magnet for all the good, solid, worthwhile things. I don’t care how fine someone is, if they are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN YOUR LIFE… like/love yourself enough to LET IT GO. This make room for what is supposed to be. When you have to work, and work, and deceive, and manipulate to get and keep a thing, it’s not for you. PERIOD! Life is so hard because most of the time we make it that way.

If you want to be happy and this goes for EVERYBODY, not just for people who catfish, look hard into the mirror and look at your life (on a regular basis) and if you don’t love what you see or how you show up… fix it. But use reality not fantasy to improve your life. Genuine and authentic is always better (and more dependable) than a fake. It is what it is. In fact, if you can’t say and mean “I am who I am, I like me… you don’t have to” then you’ve got lots of SELF work and discovery to do.

And I can help. The first thing to do is pick up your copy of 4SELF 101 (its for the teenager in you.) Lets pull it together, it’s time to “GET YOUR LIFE” and take over the world (in your own way.) There are people out there that can’t wait to know the real you.

The Power of Accountability

Last week we talked about the Power of the Strut. Yes, strutting as in “strutting your stuff.” In my mind’s eye I see the glamorous, and divine Naomi Campbell who serves up the essence of the “flawless walk,” mesmerizing both crowd and critic doing what she does in a way no one else can.  Your “gait” (or style of walking) gets you from point A to point B, but the true testament of your who you are for real is displayed by your WALK.  When I refer to your WALK, I’m speaking of your overall conduct… the way you “walk out your life,” which is molded and formed by your Core Values. WALKing denotes, traveling, getting down the road, having somewhere to go, as in “running a race.” The Book says, “Run in such a way that you finish.” Besides the fact that other people (your kids, family, etc.) are watching, one should strive to not only finish, but to finish well.  How do you want people to remember you when you’re gone? I’m sure not a hot mess… lol.

Uhhhh I’m gonna just assume that you do have Core Values (if not I can help you with that later.) Core values are a list of what’s most important to you. They shape your thoughts, intentions, goals and actions. Core Values rank right up there with boundaries, purpose, and freedom of choice. Track with me for a moment: Imagine that you had an out of body experience and your spirit floated so high that you could see your life from beginning to end. I bet you would discover what you “woulda, coulda, shoulda” change, as do most people that come to the end of their lives. Working backward from that point imagine your “best life” and choose your Core Values well.  From time to time recheck them and toss out the Core Values that no longer fit… like the ones we adopt due to trauma and hurt. That have us relentlessly chasing things that seemed important at the time but from the 1000 foot view turn out to be a waste (#monkies).

Because we cannot live entirely alone to ourselves, we need community, family… our tribe, and healthy relationships. Relationships require responsibility, as do all things.  And with responsibility you will find a level of ACCOUNTABILITY. “Accountability” has it’s good and bad points. For those who struggle with authority figures, responsibility/accountability situations, and being (made) accountable … “accountability” in general, Accountability is like a cuss word. The whole idea of it is too much like, “having to explain or justify themselves” AND “getting in trouble” or “being criticized” for doing wrong. This is a form of brokenness that comes from betrayal or abandonment of an original authority figure. For SELF- protection they are always on edge, and suspicious of all other Authority Figures or relationships that require something from them. Accountability can also be rough on leaders. Especially when who they are (their IDENTITY) is tied to what they do. Nice people can turn into control freaks and tyrants trying to protect their ministry, the business they created, even their personhood. Its like getting lost going to a party, but you have too much pride to ask anyone (especially your date/wife sitting next to you) for directions. I’M DRIVING, I GOT THIS!!! (There’s nothing worse than a backseat driver. Lol.) 

Except, accountability is there to HELP YOU!!! Accountability helps you stay straight and on the right track. If your IDENTITY is intact, and strong… you know who you are and what you are called to do, NO ONE CAN take away what’s yours, period. The point is, who are you without that thing?  If you live for the praise, accolades, money and/or power the position gives you, and you’re not sure who you’d be without them? Then you need to step back, really assess things and  separate your BEing from your DOing. Why, because chances are you’ve made that thing into an idol… a god, which you focus all your time, and energy into - so that it will feed your need. (Been there, done that.) The worst thing about that is, you lose yourself and the people that love you suffer for it.  

So, the power of accountability is: 1) The support of others to redirect and correct you, if necessary, makes you stronger (and keeps you from looking crazy.) 2) Being aware and responsible keeps you on your game, 3) It keeps you grounded, and safe from undue scrutiny and conflict, 4) Helps you know where you are and how to communicate that and 5) Helps you perfect your STRUT! (See previous blog)

For more info on Core Values, Accountability, Accountability Partners, Dealing with Monkies get your copy of 4SELF101 (its not just for teens) or CLICK HERE.

Power Struggle

Ever felt helpless? In the next couple of weeks we’ll be taking a look at POWER and the struggle to have or regain it in our lives. Before you say that you’ve never struggled for power, just remember back (if you could) to when you were a toddler fighting over the toy you said was “mine, mine, mine.” This was the time of discovery, as we learned about our immediate world and who we are in it. We tested our boundaries and limits, finding out how much we could get away with was a scientific experiment. Sometimes people let us be “entitled” and other times we threw ourselves onto the floor and had tantrums until … well it was ended with success or bitter failure (and correction.) And memories of success and/or of bitter disappointment framed who we’ve become today and where we currently stand with SELF-power. Sadly some adults still use tantrums to get what they want from others. Anyway, we’ve all got stories, someda I’d love to hear yours, but for now go with me into one of mine…

The day my mom asked “my Pop” for a divorce and he broke her nose was kind of a line in the sand for me. I was between 9 & 13 years old, yeahhhh it was back in the day. We lived in this tiny tiiiiny house and I heard my Mom raise her voice like she wanted to fight, which was not unusual, but because it was still relatively early in the day. I peered out of my room to see what was up. Pop was looking for something on the dresser… but not really. And then I heard her yell “IS IT TRUE?! I want a divorce!” Sheepishly I inched closer and BOOM flailing in my direction Mom fell towards me, and we both hit the floor. Her face smeared blood across the off-white knitted butterfly shirt that I was wearing. Yeah… though it was pretty much the most traumatizing thing to happen in my young life I didn’t freak out. I couldn’t, I was frozen, I mean for all I knew she was actually dying, and I didn’t know what to do (#powerless). She demanded he leave, and the police was called. Just as shocked as we were, he fled the scene before they came. Needless to say, that was the bad ending of another marriage relationship. The ambulance came and took her away, fixed her nose, stitched up her face and life returned to normal-ish.

Deconstructing the moment in my mind, I swear I saw the blow coming in slow motion… but through a kid’s eyes I saw the egregious attack of an aggressive and over the top type person on a passive, now passively aggressive man. There was no doubt who was wearing the pants in this relationship. Well, until he made his point (KAPOW) that she would not control him. Don’t get me wrong, HE WAS (absolutely) WRONG TO HIT HER! I don’t care how much she pushed and poked and baited him. There is such a thing as walking away! But she knew his buttons and she pushed them all until he SNAPPED. Hindsight being what it is, so much more was going on here and who knows how long the frustration was building on both sides. One of the underlying morals of this story is “Hurting people HURT people.”

MiMi and her mother, characters in my book (4SELF101) are very much like me and Lenora. She was a very good example of a strong black woman. She was caring, capable, funny, witty and very very independent. She was the one who wore the pants in her relationships, because she needed to be in charge. But she didn’t understand that in successful relationships, there can only be 1 head of the household. Myles Munroe said “Anything with two heads is a monster.” So, clearly somebody has to back down (or there will be fights… aka power struggles.) Listen, it is sooooo easy to follow in your parent’s footsteps and do what you’ve seen growing up . Or you can just let life happen. Its like being followed by the “sins of the father,” history just naturally repeats itself… UNLESS you intentionally make change. The pendulum of broken relationships can very easily swing from NEEDY to ‘I DON’T NEED A MAN” and right in the middle you’ll usually find “fear of a broken heart” or “fear of rejection” or “fear of abandonment” at the center point. But the common denominator is FEAR. Fear is a catalyst. And giving away your Power or trying to control someone elses is a sure sign of brokenness. Next week lets go get your POWER back… meet me here.

Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Naughty or Nice

Last week we talked about being “NICE” about sweetness, being kind and “Monkies” (issues.) Nope, I’m not summarizing it, you just have to go back and read it, lol. One thing I will say about “being overly nice” is… IT IS A MASK. Don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice person if its organic and genuine. There is a time and place for everything EVEN being “a little naughty”… But when you’re “overly nice” and you end up in spots you later regret or suffer for (over and over again) there’s a problem. For one thing, your SELF esteem takes a beating, you lose SELF-trust and then there’s the “VITAL SIGNS,” that you don’t see but everyone else does. They’re evidence that a monkie is hiding nearby (uh in you.) I like to call this thing the “Jekyll & Hyde” syndrome. Sounds funny? I just made that up but it’s trying so hard to be good but something of you just won’t cooperate. My struggle was the “good Christian-girl” versus the “Bad-Girl” thing. On one side I desired to be pure and chase… but on the other I used to be like (music please) “IIIII wanna sexxxx you up!” This struggle is real even Apostle Paul said,

“What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise… so that my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in (right) actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” Rom 7: 16-20, MSG

When you’ve been in the “relationship desert” for a while and the “dry patch” has turned into a dusty road like the one from Cali to Vegas… you start compromising your value system for a little fulfillment. Fortunately, The Spirit within is always willing and ready to take the “Superhero stance” inside of you with one hand on a hip and the other outstretched exclaiming “NOT TODAY SATAN!” But instead of nurturing that thing we tend to accept all the little tasty morsels the world has to offer, which by default shrinks the spirit and blows up our fleshly desires to Hulk status. So when just the right temptation comes along its not rocket science to figure out which will win… the spirit or the body? You know the answer and that’s why when Jekyll is finished playing and the lights come on we mostly feel like crap. Unless you get tired of being a hypocrite, doing the same things the same way, those monkies will just keep growing and taking more control.

THE GOOD NEWS

90% of this behavior is subconscious and the other 10% are the rotten decisions you continue to make. Previously I did a 5-post series called “FML” (Fix My Life) which explained “vacuum needs.” In case you didn’t catch the posts, a vacuum need is like a black hole developed when we didn’t receive what we needed as a child. And it can be many needs like attachment, affection, attention, and security – those things that build your IDENTITY and creates a healthy SELF (or not.) Anyhow, these “needs” NEEEEEEED to be filled, or you are subconsciously compelled, propelled to fill the needs on your own. In fact the striving won’t stop, can’t stop until the “black hole” is filled - it’s the feeling that happiness can’t be had until this thing is filled, resolve… made right.

How to FIX this thing

This Jekyll & Hyde thing is as much about your identity as it is about dealing with (ridding yourSELF of) your monkies. The goal is to take off the mask permanently and to be consistently genuinely YOU in every situation. Oh yeah, it’s gonna take a made-up mind, determination and work. This is not a formula and I am not a therapist (ya might want to get yourself one.) But I can coach you. Try this:

1. Forgive yourSELF for all the bad choices and for hurting yourSELF

2. Seek, Knock and Find (Grab a Bible and read Matt 7:7-8 and Jer 29:13)

3. Find your Monkies, and resolve those issues (get professional help if you need to)

4. Set specific boundaries and don’t crumble (but if you do, get up, forgive & try again)

5. Don’t put yourSELF (or follow or go) into those tempting situation

6. Get an accountability partner and do OTHER FUN THINGS.

Get solid on the inside, and you will see the changes outside. And if you need help, as always I got you, click here. For more info on Monkies, Breaking Bad Habits, Boundaries, and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here (it’s not just for Teens.)