Draw the Line

We’ve been talking about communication, which is complex enough, with gender biases, and having compassion or not when you speak to others. “Letting people have it” we discovered IS NOT a good form of communication, mainly due to the fact that by the time a person gets there, they’re just ready to dump whatever has been “on their chest” and they have little patience to hear the other person’s point of view… until they’ve said what they NEED to. “Giving someone a piece of you mind” is an aggressive, in-your- face way of confronting an issue… there are better ways. And let me tell you why, someone whose been verbally abused will just shut down on you.

On the other end of the spectrum is the passive communicator - who may be timid, doesn’t want to “rock the boat” or is afraid of backlash (punishment or rejection.) The problem with passivity is that it usually leaves the communicator wishing that they said this or that (#shoulda, woulda, coulda.) Basically, they were intimidated and unable to get their point across. I used to be that way until I got tired of being trampled. Wanna know the real issue here? Passivity equals fear (people-pleasing) or is an indicator of “Broken Fence Syndrome” (problem with BOUNDARIES.) Here’s the thing about boundaries, they protect you if and only if you CREATE, SET and GUARD them. In other words, they can’t work if you set them but don’t enforce them. If whenever your boundaries are challenged you crumble… you’re gonna find yourself feeling abused and frustrated all over again.

Look at your life and determine where you need safeguards. Create boundaries (that you can keep) and “draw a line in the sand.” Make clear in your own mind “the WHY” and look for it… every Tom, Nancy and Harry to challenge them. those fence bulldozers that know as long as there are no set boundaries….. NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS (#everything’s game.) And they pride themselves on applying the right amount of pressure, persuasion, manipulation, guilt, whatever it takes to “make you crumble.” To them its a game. What they’re after is “making things go back to the way they’re used to to.” And they try to make it feeeeel like, you’re the one with “the problem.” But I’m here to tell you… IT’S TIME. It’s time to make your SELF, your desires, God-given destiny and goals PRIMARY! And the first step in right direction is being able to stand firmly on ONE POINT. Start with just one….ONE VALID, VITAL POINT: And become intimately knowledgible about IT. Know the meaning of it and how to communicate everything about it. Know what it is and what it IS NOT. Here POINT #1:

I AM WHO i am (by the Grace of God)

And THEN add to that:

POINT #2: I am worthy of the best in Life.

These two points, are cornerstones in a firm foundation which anyone could build a successful life upon. So you have TWO VITAL Life Points, set a few boundaires protect them… Draw your line in the sand… Set out your “Don’t Stand on the Grass” ssigns… and then be ready to look ANY OFFENDER/trespasser IN THE EYE (without blinking) to say, “Uh uh uh… DOHNT-EEEEEEVEN-TRRYYYYY-IT!“

Serious question though: How does one know what boundaries, rules and barriers to create to SELF-protect, if they are not sure of their own NEEDS/WANTS? That is a good question, ain’t it?! Scooch up close and let me whisper this in your ear… “The way to hold your line is to first know that you have the authority to do so.” Each of us has at least one person in our lives that we would go through the fire and storms for (or with)… you’ve got to be that way with your SELF. And to get there you’ve got to LOVE and RESPECT you. If you are not there… the ONLY WAY to get there is to spend time with yourSELF and either get to know or REDISCOVER who you are. BEcasue the bottom line is and I am sure you’ve heard it a million times… and that is IF YOU DON’T LOVE/RESPECT YOURSELF. The problem many face is that they don’t really know WHAT LOVE IS, or what it feels like. And that, my friend is a reeeeeal issue (#brokenness.)

Drawing a line, making your stance OR setting boundaries ARE ALL MUTE POINTS, if what you are attempting to protect has no value in your eyes…you have value! IF you’re having trouble believing it, lets talk.

Power to BE me

How far back can you remember? My earliest memory was from age 1 or 2 years old.  I was sitting on the floor playing with my favorite stuffed animal, a pink bunny with my cousin Nicole next to me.  Smh, it’s funny how I can remember this but not my middle school years. No doubt there was more than a few tug-o-war moments over that bunny.  Whether I was wrong or right, I was always right, lol.  Funny that’s how the immature mind processes things. As long as you give me what is mine all is well. Otherwise “wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Sadly, some “grown” folks still use this tactic as a power play. Uhh, let’s move on (for now.)

My passion is seeing women whole, I guess it’s because I was broken for so long (aaaand didn’t even realize it.) But I find that conversation with other women is often like looking into a mirror. Like my conversations with Cassandra, one of my good friends who came to me with some relationship talk… I scratch my head (& wrinkle brow) noticing that things always end up with “the ball is in his court.” She’s a real go-get-‘em kind of gal in business … but in personal relationships not so much. And I told her, If you say, ”Why would anybody want someone like me” one more time I’m gonna smack her. She is a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent, and fun person. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see it.

And then a flag began to emerge thinking about how she mostly answers my questions with: “whatever you want” or “it’s up to you.” Giving me, as she does others, the power to decide her course. And then suddenly POP! Into my head comes the picture of Princess Imani from “Coming to America,” answering all Price Akeem’s questions with “Whatever youuuu want…” Next thing she’s hopping on one foot and barking like a dog. OUT OF MY HEAD, OUT OF MY HEAD! (lol) Listen, in today’s “Queendom” acting like that might be considered a low SELF-esteem moment. Most American black women I know would say… “Oh no, I would tell that fool to go to hell… bark like a dog?… Pschhhh, that ninja’s crazy.” But I digress… anyway. Somehow, being over accommodating and spoiling (without reciprocity) has become the mask of “a good woman” when the truth underneath it all is, we’ve given our power away due to FEAR of NOT BEING ENOUGH (or fear of rejection or abandonment.)

I try not to go “Flo” like in the Progressive Commercials with my friends and family but asking “non-judgmental” questions and just listening can accomplish more than you could imagine. I found that Cassandra’s father used to call her “nothing” “no good” “stupid” and “dumb” over and over again. Chiseling the message of nothingness, low-value and you’re undesirable and unwanted, onto the hard-drive of her consciousness.  So that every time an opportunity arose, it was immediately shot down by her father’s words in her head.  By the way, he’s passed away… yet his words still have power (control) over her identity… even now. His words have confined her in a box she hasn’t been able to escape.

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE BOX

First of all know, some people must put down others and elevate themselves (OVER their “monkies”) to feel SELF-value. This is super selfish because they never consider the effect it has on their victims (especially children). Yep, words can kill. They can imprison, immaculate, harden hearts, and cause insanity.  But they can also have power to heal, build up, strengthen and restore. Faith comes by hearing, but not just hearing… hearing the right words, life-giving words (for best results use the Word of God to transform your mind.) Let me make that practical for you…

1.   BREAK THE CHAINS: Face what was done and how it made you feel AND THEN FORGIVE THEM

2.   OPEN THE LID: Destroy the word power by “COMING OUT OF AGREEMENT”

3.  STAND UP: Speak Positive Affirmations and compliment your SELF out loud (hearing strengthens faith)

4.   STEP OUT: Set BOUNDARIES and don’t crumble (Use your voice, let your no be NO)

5.   STEADY youSELF: Focus on and strengthen your good qualities

6.   Give yourself a make-over and then STRUT YOU STUFF! Looking good feels good

7.    MAINTAIN IT: Create a SELF-care (me-time) regiment and stick to it  

8.   HAVE CONFIDENCE: Follow your own advice and trust your intuition (Get Help if needed)

9.   BE BOLD: Sharpen your communication skills, and speak up

10. CONQUER: Show up, BE you “In EVERY Moment” and enjoy yourSELF

Yahhhs, get your power back. But it’s gonna fizzle if you struggle with SELF-Identity. For more info on Self-esteem, Boundaries, Monkies, and Self-Care get your copy of 4SELF101 here (It’s not just for Teens).

Next week it’s The Power of the STRUT. Be here or be square and if you need help pulling it together, you know I got you, just CLICK.