The Bucket List

in ,

Part of the whole reason I am screaming this Self-Development thing is because I think everyone deserves a HappyLife. Many years ago, the reason I started working with teens (and wrote 4SELF 101) was because I saw how hard they struggle with Identity.  Knowing that all things come from who you are, the result of the pivotal switch-over woman were making from “housewife” to working Moms, was leaving a whole lot of kids in the crags of SELF-formation. As the old people used to say, “ it was just a crying shame.” For real for real, let me tell you what took me over the edge, listening to a 14-year-old girl talk about “chilling with her boyfriend” (on the couch under covers) and as she said “mom was good with it.” Though my face didn’t show it, internally I was like “WHAT THE HELL?!”

Even as an adult and single mom, I could shake it. Trying to give that mom the benefit of a doubt…I get working all day and “picking my battles” … afterall, wasn’t it better to have the little fast girl home instead of running the streets? Ehhhh, that’s stretching it too far… I can’t … on what planet is it ok to NOT PROTECT your young daughter’s virginity?  And then be the first to holler when she comes up pregnant!! But then it dawned on me, a parent cannot teach what they themselves have not learned. How many teens, do you suppose, are actually raising teens (and winging it as they go along.) This is because they didn’t take the time to develop the SELF before jumping off into life. Ya want to know how to live your best life?  Start by knowing THYSELF and to do that you have to prioritize time to assess and build your SELF. For some of you, you’ll literally need to reintroduce yourself to uh… your SELF.  Coming to know who you are apart from your family, tribe and community is a deep endeavor.  And then there is the discovery  (or rediscovery) of your wants, needs, likes and dislikes… Dealing with your Monkies, inner thought life, and self-talk… You can get your step by step guide in my book, 4SELF 101. Do yourself a solid and finish the SELF work on your own inner-teen before dealing with your kids. Because if you want to know the truth, I’ve dealt with a lot of teens that were more mature than their own parents.

 So, what does this all have to do with “The Bucket List”? The design of your life is molded around your purpose. Everyone has a purpose.  Many of you already have a little listy- list. The younger you are, the more time you have, right? You can “afford” to be spontaneous or to take you time (orrr can you?)  Certainly, older people have to be more strategic, but regardless of who you are and how old/young you are, purpose changes things. Knowing your purpose will change your view and it will help you prioritize (and be more efficient.)  With that being said, YES OF COURSE, you should have crazy, fun, out of the way things on the list to accomplish and experience.  As in Meet Joe Black (Universal Pictures, 1998), “Get some gooood pictures to take with you.“

How your list may change after knowing your purpose:

Before Discovering Purpose:

Bungie Jumping

Backpack through Europe

A Menag’e trois

 After discovering my purpose (Restoring families)

Group trip to Europe (include parasailing, zip-lining and hiking)

Couples Massage

Night skinny dipping (with spouse)

Teaching Parents to spice up their alone time

 Purpose is everything.  And knowing what yours … cuts the fat (time wasters) from your life. Purpose, should guide your choices and goals. The point is, when you get to the exit door of your life and you look back… that last breath should be a satisfying exhale.  

#Noregrets #noshoulda woulda couldas

For more info on getting your Inner-Teen under control get your copy of 4SELF 101 here. If you’re not satisfied with your life I can help, click here.

Time Bomb

in ,

Ever wish you could pick up a universal remote like Adam Sandler in Click (Sony Pictures, 2006) and just fast forward through the sucky times in your life? And I’ve had a lot of those., in fact it was most of my kids childhood. If not for their love, laughter, little personalities and hugs and kisses, I might’ve fallen off of reality altogether. I hated life because I was lonely and I was really angry with God, I’m saying this OUT LOUD because most people feel a certain kind of way when they don’t get answers to their prayers. But instead of  ADMITTING where they are they transfer their faith in God to SELF or others.

Honestly I felt like I would just EXPLODE if God didn’t come through for me. But I carried on, living because I had to… but I was in survival mode a very long time. Every Sunday I showed up to church wearing the “Churchface.” I sang, praised and served AND told everyone who asked, “I’m blessed,” smiling on the inside but crying on the inside. My tribe (Christian brothers, sisters and friends) were instrumental in pulling me out of that dark place. I couldn’t have made it without them.  

But to be desperately unfulfilled (and seemingly forgotten or ignored) is a terrible place to be… and it’s where most people are when they turn away from religion and give up on God. They say… “I’ve tried religion and prayer and they don’t work.” If you’ve been there let me ask you, “Did you have a RELATIONSHIP with God?” Or did you get caught up into the rules and Thou Shalt Nots of organized RELIGION? Did you hear about this dude who did miracles and walked on water or did you actually meet Him for yourself? Ah, now that’s something different, isn’t it? You see when you have a relationship with people you must spend time, talk, and share experiences (aka you get to know them.) You see, that’s what the Christian (Christ follower) lifestyle is all about… not RELIGION (a system of rules and conducts one must follow to be righteous “in good” with God. So prayer is basically communication with God, not to the universe or “whoever is listening.” Its an intentional, focused, and directed conversation. And a conversation involves at least 2 people, an exchange - giving AND receiving - talking AND LISTENING.

Imagine your best friend coming up to you, balling their eyes out as they beg for your help and as soon as they say what they must, they turn around and walk away before you could respond. That would be a little weird right? Well that’s exactly how lots of people pray. It’s all about them … I have to say it, God is not a celestrial Santa Claus, He’s a good & loving father who wants to be connected to His children. And like any good father does, He wants the best for His kids. So that means He ain’t gonna give you EVERYTHING you ask for when and how you want it, especially if it would hurt you or someone else. And that never made sense to me until my own prayer of marrying my man dissolved. But you see only God knew that he would never hold down a steady job, or that he would become chronically irresponsible and a meth addict.

The hardest part about prayers is the waiting.  God answers prayers in 3 different ways, “Yes,” “Wait,” or I have BETTER.”  That means some answers come quickly but most times… answers are suuuuuuuper slowwwwww.  It’s because we are not ready to receive what we’re asking for, even tho we think we are. Waiting and waiting with no satisfaction does make the heart sick. We become frustrated, angry and then bitter.  But our habit of doing all the talking we eventually wonder if there is anyone on the other end. AND in our failure to listen we misconstrue the “wait” or “I’ve got better” for a “NO.” And that place right there opens the door to receive messages like “No body’s coming” and “God ain’t real.” By the way, they didn’t come from God! Are you trackin’ wit me or did I go to deep for ya?

So if you pray, 1) Know who you’re praying to. To get God’s attention you have to believe in Him, 2) Get you a relationship with Him, 3) Then have a 2-way conversation #speak/listen, 3) Be willing to wait on your answer, 4) Trust that God cannot lie and He will come through and 5) Be thankful before your answer comes. And walk as if you already have what you’ve asked for.

Catfishing

in , ,
fish-211501_1920.jpg

When I say “CATFISH” what comes to mind? I think of Nev Shulman (and Max) and MTV Docu Series, which, I think established a new definition in dictionaries as: “A fake or stolen online identity created or used for the purposes of beginning a deceptive relationship.”

Basically it’s creating a whole persona, online, to fool people into saying “yes.” Time after time we saw one victim after another needing help to connect with someone real. After “falling in love” online. And sometimes victims were involved for yeeeeears, smh. Until seeking help from counselor and connection maker Nev who would come in and try to order from the mess. Usually it was one self-esteem deficient person perusing to find some unsuspecting desperate person looking for and needing a real and meaningful relationship. This is the picture of the “catfish” and their victim. Whatever reason the catfish gave for doing what they were doing, deceiving others, the real answer always turned out to be brokenness (whether they saw it or not.) Sometimes it took awhile. But the victim was always, always destroyed.

When people create their “Representative” it’s because they don’t love who they are. And because of that basic truth they carry the hurt and anger from a pivotal Rejection/Abandonment situation into every new relationship they get into. What they fail to understand, is that it’s not their looks that runs people away… it’s how they act, process and respond to others out of their unresolved pain. It’s the brokenness that has filled their character with a black hole that sucks and sucks until it’s filled (aka the vacuum need.)

Let me say this as plain as I can… Catfishing is deceptive. Bottom line, you are lying. And the first person you’re lying to is YOURSELF. Respect and honor yourself by discovering the beauty you posses. You are worthy of love and respect, but if you don’t know why… why should anybody else? Love can only come from a healthy heart. And if you just can’t get there get help, uh from a professional, not your bestie. It’s time to stop hiding behind a lie, a mask, a representative because they’re just band-aids. Band aids are meant to be temporary, they are not made to hold up an entire SELF-life. This kind of deception hurts other people, but mainly, it’s hurting you even more.

Listen there’s nothing sexier then knowing who you are and carrying it well. If I am whole and happy on the inside… it doesn’t matter one bit what anyone else thinks. Really it doesn’t matter. This space you become a magnet for all the good, solid, worthwhile things. I don’t care how fine someone is, if they are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN YOUR LIFE… like/love yourself enough to LET IT GO. This make room for what is supposed to be. When you have to work, and work, and deceive, and manipulate to get and keep a thing, it’s not for you. PERIOD! Life is so hard because most of the time we make it that way.

If you want to be happy and this goes for EVERYBODY, not just for people who catfish, look hard into the mirror and look at your life (on a regular basis) and if you don’t love what you see or how you show up… fix it. But use reality not fantasy to improve your life. Genuine and authentic is always better (and more dependable) than a fake. It is what it is. In fact, if you can’t say and mean “I am who I am, I like me… you don’t have to” then you’ve got lots of SELF work and discovery to do.

And I can help. The first thing to do is pick up your copy of 4SELF 101 (its for the teenager in you.) Lets pull it together, it’s time to “GET YOUR LIFE” and take over the world (in your own way.) There are people out there that can’t wait to know the real you.

Girl POWER

in , , ,
womansuperhero.jpg

If the Girl Scouts motto is “Girls can do anything” it must be true! It is my personal belief that God created man as a reflection of Himself, but then so that Man would not be alone, He created still in His own image … an upgrade, known as WOMB-man aka woman, EVE. To Adam God gave A JOB, and the power of stamina, reasoning, and problem-solving, to complete it, aka MASCULINE ENERGY. And then gave him the physical capacity and authority to get ‘er done! (That’s so sexy). But to Eve (which by the way means, to breathe, to live, and to give life) he gave FEMININE ENERGY.

Neither Masculine nor Feminine Energy, are assigned to a particular gender, they are both sides of who God is. Masculine energy is protective, incredibly focused, linear thinking, creates solutions and is very pragmatic, and logical. Masculine energy is good at setting up structures, creating lines, and coloring within them. Whereas Feminine energy is creative, expressive, nurturing, good at cleaning out/purging, and is amazing with multitasking. But she has another special power and that is her WOMB. “MOVIE FLASH” ever seen “Harlem Nights” (Paramount Pictures, 1989) with Eddie Murphy, Redd Fox, Richard Pryor, Arcenio Hall, and Della Reese? There was a prostitute whose yoni was said to be better than “Sunshine” (paraphrase). You’ll have to watch it to know what that’s all about… Uhhh I don’t have to explain what a “yoni” is, right? … (bugged eyes, pursed lips, head tilt) A woman’s yoni is said to be the gateway of life, but also a portal to heavenly dimensions. Originally created to be a sacred, mystical place of healing, the garden of one’s life mate. Lately, though she’s more seems treated more like a ballpark than the sanctuary she was designed to be. Way too many bats in the cage, bases been run so many times ya can’t find home plate anymore. But… I digress. She’s more subject to “wham-bam thank you ma’am” situations thing than true intimacy. She’s the bountiful and divine banquet that has been reduced down to a “snack basket.”  

Women CEO’s pretty much have to “grow a pair” to “Boss-up” and gain the respect of men in order to lead them. I have mad respect for CEOs like Roz Brewer, Thasunda Brown Duckett, Michell Gass (Fortune.com) or Sami Wunder (also a blogger) who have obviously changed the world by balancing both masculine and feminine energy – and creating a more equitable workspace for all. Now that’s GIRL POWER IN ACTION (the feminine edge.)

From GIRL to WOMAN   

I told my son, “Having a penis no more makes you a man than living in a garage makes you a car.” That means stop playing around and get your life together. Either you are or you’re not. If you’re going to be a man (woman/grown-up) be a good one. Women, walk the walk of a ROYALTY be a Queen, get your “STRUT” on. Anybody can look the part, but who are you really? Nationally-published best-selling author, speaker, Master Life Coach (and my good friend) Debrena Jackson Gandy says be a “Juicy Woman,” which she defines this way:

“A Juicy Woman is committed to having a full spirit, clear mind, open heart, well body, and wisely manages her energy as part of her daily reality. The Sacred Self-Caring Consciousness is a NEW paradigm based in higher-dimension beliefs about her Self, God, her body as a divine living temple, feminine power, and abundance that create an experience of deeper joy, peace, ease, self-expression, freedom and FLOW-ductivity in her mind, body, spirit, relationships and life.”

So how does one move from being what I call “IN HER GIRL” to becoming a “Woman.” The Book says, “When I was a child, I acted like a child but when I became grown (a woman) I put away childish things.” Coming out of “your girl” means you no longer use the old tools immature women do to get what you need. You throw away manipulation, tantrums, or ghosting people when you don’t get what you want. Stop running into situations blindly using emotions or feelings as your guide. And STOP using “womanese” (language only women understand) to communicate with men. We are so hard on “babymen”, but we tend not to do self-assessments… If you are grown, it’s time to move out of “your girl” into Womanhood and take the world by storm! I realize if you’ve come from a long line of “Independent” women, (The I don’t need a man group) where you MUST BE both bread-winner and nurturer to survive, you may have to deal with some issues and LEARN to soften and come away from the instinctive “Boss-up” energy so that you can have successful dating relationships. Just know time doesn’t always heal ALL WOUNDS, there is no shame in getting help. Get closure so that you can move forward for real.

For “Juicy Woman” Coaching, let me introduce you to my friend Debrena Jackson Gandy.  For more information on Communication (and womanese) get a copy of 4SELF101 here (its not just for Teens.)

The Power of Accountability

in , , , ,
lionpride.jpg

Last week we talked about the Power of the Strut. Yes, strutting as in “strutting your stuff.” In my mind’s eye I see the glamorous, and divine Naomi Campbell who serves up the essence of the “flawless walk,” mesmerizing both crowd and critic doing what she does in a way no one else can.  Your “gait” (or style of walking) gets you from point A to point B, but the true testament of your who you are for real is displayed by your WALK.  When I refer to your WALK, I’m speaking of your overall conduct… the way you “walk out your life,” which is molded and formed by your Core Values. WALKing denotes, traveling, getting down the road, having somewhere to go, as in “running a race.” The Book says, “Run in such a way that you finish.” Besides the fact that other people (your kids, family, etc.) are watching, one should strive to not only finish, but to finish well.  How do you want people to remember you when you’re gone? I’m sure not a hot mess… lol.

Uhhhh I’m gonna just assume that you do have Core Values (if not I can help you with that later.) Core values are a list of what’s most important to you. They shape your thoughts, intentions, goals and actions. Core Values rank right up there with boundaries, purpose, and freedom of choice. Track with me for a moment: Imagine that you had an out of body experience and your spirit floated so high that you could see your life from beginning to end. I bet you would discover what you “woulda, coulda, shoulda” change, as do most people that come to the end of their lives. Working backward from that point imagine your “best life” and choose your Core Values well.  From time to time recheck them and toss out the Core Values that no longer fit… like the ones we adopt due to trauma and hurt. That have us relentlessly chasing things that seemed important at the time but from the 1000 foot view turn out to be a waste (#monkies).

Because we cannot live entirely alone to ourselves, we need community, family… our tribe, and healthy relationships. Relationships require responsibility, as do all things.  And with responsibility you will find a level of ACCOUNTABILITY. “Accountability” has it’s good and bad points. For those who struggle with authority figures, responsibility/accountability situations, and being (made) accountable … “accountability” in general, Accountability is like a cuss word. The whole idea of it is too much like, “having to explain or justify themselves” AND “getting in trouble” or “being criticized” for doing wrong. This is a form of brokenness that comes from betrayal or abandonment of an original authority figure. For SELF- protection they are always on edge, and suspicious of all other Authority Figures or relationships that require something from them. Accountability can also be rough on leaders. Especially when who they are (their IDENTITY) is tied to what they do. Nice people can turn into control freaks and tyrants trying to protect their ministry, the business they created, even their personhood. Its like getting lost going to a party, but you have too much pride to ask anyone (especially your date/wife sitting next to you) for directions. I’M DRIVING, I GOT THIS!!! (There’s nothing worse than a backseat driver. Lol.) 

Except, accountability is there to HELP YOU!!! Accountability helps you stay straight and on the right track. If your IDENTITY is intact, and strong… you know who you are and what you are called to do, NO ONE CAN take away what’s yours, period. The point is, who are you without that thing?  If you live for the praise, accolades, money and/or power the position gives you, and you’re not sure who you’d be without them? Then you need to step back, really assess things and  separate your BEing from your DOing. Why, because chances are you’ve made that thing into an idol… a god, which you focus all your time, and energy into - so that it will feed your need. (Been there, done that.) The worst thing about that is, you lose yourself and the people that love you suffer for it.  

So, the power of accountability is: 1) The support of others to redirect and correct you, if necessary, makes you stronger (and keeps you from looking crazy.) 2) Being aware and responsible keeps you on your game, 3) It keeps you grounded, and safe from undue scrutiny and conflict, 4) Helps you know where you are and how to communicate that and 5) Helps you perfect your STRUT! (See previous blog)

For more info on Core Values, Accountability, Accountability Partners, Dealing with Monkies get your copy of 4SELF101 (its not just for teens) or CLICK HERE.

Power of The Strut

in , ,

People watching is fun, ain’t it? And you can do it anywhere, in the airport waiting on a flight, in a park, at the bus-stop, at a sporting event, in a hotel lobby, at a bar… so it’s not a stretch to acknowledge the fact that at any given time you could be the object of someone’s focus… maybe even their entertainment. And to be honest, I really don’t care because a major endeavor of my life is to have a “consistent walk” which I do for myself, not others… but I’ll tell you what that mean in a moment.

Even though I have studied psychology and I know people, admittedly I’m not a licensed professional and so as a matter of my own personal interests I often seek the knowledge of those who are… We pretty much all know Dr. Oz, right? In his article “What does your walk say about you“ he wrote “people who stomp give the appearance that they are angry and unapproachable, depressed people use more leg lifting rather than propel themselves forward… as if moving forward is a chore and short stride/slow walkers are laid back, calm and understanding.” But included the curious side note that: Researchers who screened clips of women walking with a “relaxed” pace were most likely to be rated as vulnerable targets for inappropriate advances.

Shockingly enough, Dr. Christian Jarret a psychologist and author, corroborated this “slow walk” theory in his article “What your walk really says about you” (bbc.com) by including a quote from serial killer Ted Bundy “I could tell a victim from the way that she walked down the street.” Don’t let me scare you, but your walk is soooo very important. Experts say never go anywhere alone, walk with confidence, have a purpose, and know where you’re going.

WALKING WITH OTHERS

Be mindful of your personal “walk” … This might be the first time some of you have heard of this. But your walk is “The conduct (or the walking out) of one’s daily life.” In other words, when you die, how do you want people to talk about you.  “He lived with integrity” “She was a very angry person” “They were wild and crazy” “She was a very, loving caring person, would give you the shirt off her back” or “He didn’t like or trust people.”  You get my drift, right?

As you know life is full of temptations, struggles, challenges that call us into drama, addictions and even distractions. However, your walk is made much easier, and more fun with a “walking buddy.” Connect to “your tribe,” people who are where you are or where you want to go, get an Accountability Partner or at the very least one really good friend who has seen you at your worst and still loves you; someone you know has your best interests at heart.  

Dr. Oz talks about “walking buddies” this way: “Slow walkers are more likely to be emotional learners or decision makers.” So, walking & talking with another person can help you spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.  And finally, he concludes: “Teach your daughters how to walk in public - upright, aware and confident - it could literally save their lives.” That’s good advice if I do say so. But the one thing I would add is, place purpose as your primary motivation to move forward.

Purpose will give you somewhere to go and somethings to do. If you have a purpose, you’ll move with purpose.  You’ll spend a lot less time just milling about, hanging out, and having too much time on your hands to get into trouble. Aaaaaaaand everyone has a purpose (and gifts to accomplish it.) You just gotta find out what they are. If you answer these 4 questions:  1) What makes you mad in this world that you would change if you could, 2) What would you do if money were no object, 3) What do you like to do and 4) What are you good at?... The journey to find your own purpose will begin.  It’s time to move, let’s go!

There is no STRUT like knowing WHO you are, what you were made for and getting it done!  If you need help getting started, I got you, CLICK HERE

For more information on Purpose and Destiny pick up your copy of 4SELF101 here (It’s not just for teens.)