Halloween is fastly approaching, even though we don’t wait until then to surround ourselves with things that make us go bump in the night. It seems like we enjoy haunting things... and special effects, stories about exorcisms, and dark magic (tv is filled with witchcraft stuff) are now the norm. And we don’t often talk about real-life things that get a hold on us that we can’t shake. This week we’re gonna open the closet door and get a real good look at one of those things... REGRET. Know what just popped into my head, Gina Davis in Beetlejuice hanging from a rope in the close. Otho opens the door and just pushes her aside and just continues on his mission. That’s regret for you, really there haunting your house, but we just learn to live with it. The problem is most of us don’t really know WHAT regret is, it’s actually:
“A sense of loss, disappointment dissatisfaction OR a feeling of sorrow or REMORSE for a fault, act (inaction), loss or disappointment.” (Dictionay.com)
Psychologists and Educators Zeelenburg, van den Bos, Dijk, and Pieters talk about the outcome of several experiments regarding the impact regret has on one’s thought processes in their article “The inaction effect in the psychology of regret” (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, PubMed, 2002). They found more regret was attributed to negative outcomes especially those that occurred due to an action or inaction. And I think we’ve all been there. Raise your hand if any of these applies to you:
Not buying that stock for that new computer company in the late ’80s / early ‘90s that turned out to be. Microsoft? #regret. Ever gone someplace that you had a nagging feeling not to and something bad happened? #regret. Ever bought something on Amazon when your electric bill was due, but you weren't sure when and your lights were shut off, #regret. Ever had a hot and heavy chill session and the person turned out to be crazy, #regret. Ever had too much to drink and you chose to drive instead of taking an Uber and you got pulled over by the police, (or worse), #regret. Ever resigned from a job for a new one that turned out to be worse? #regret. Ever spend 5 years of your life in a dead-end relationship? #regret. Ever. Get married and find out you were better off single, #regret. Ever cave to “a crave” and then realize that it wasn't as good as you thought it would be, #regret. Ever not set a boundary and have it used against you? #regret. Ever loan somebody money and they shop, party, get their hair and nails done, dine out and travel but “never have the money to pay you back” #regret. Ever give someone a second chance and they take advantage of you again. #regret. Ever said something in anger that you couldn’t take back, #regret. Yep me too. And then the SELF-talk is crazy... “STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.”
Professor of Psychiatry Jay Kim Penberthy. With the University of Virginia. Talks about the Psychological effect of regret. And how it can be all-consuming? When we have choices to make and we don't make the right decision and it comes back to bite us in the ass. Some bad decisions we’re stillll dealing with. That thing is like a ghost... haunting us every time we think of it, causing depression, fear... even lack of SELF-trust, which then causes SELF-loathing. I’m telling you REGRET is real. Oh, and the effects are like icy octopus tentacles, fettering you to negative past experiences, paralyzing you in the present, and immobilizing you from moving forward in the future. One good example is dating.
Past: You’ve had too many toxic or dead-end relationships
Present: Fear of reacting negativity, Avoidance behavior (or just feeling stuck)
Future: Sel- Sabotage … just unhappy and don’t know why
HOW TO EXORCIZE THE GHOST OF REGRET
I know, regret is kind of hard to deal with, well for 1, it just makes you feel bad. But if you don’t deal with regret, it stays right there, it may be quiet for a minute, but it ain’t going anywhere. But every time a similar situation appears, you will automatically be possessed with the fear of the past reoccurring... And fear don’t let you think straight. Stress and fear, and anxiety just aren’t good for the brain and body. And you want to know what’s worse than that... the guilt that comes with regret. This guilt will make you do things you don’t want to do and say things you don’t mean... just because you don’t want the negativity and hurt from the past to overcome you all over again. So how does one get rid of regret?
1. Honestly assess the situation
2. Think about who you were back then (Intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually). And whether you’ve changed or grown up
3. If you haven’t changed/grown up, you’ve got SELF-work to do
4. Forgive others for not having your back (if applicable)
5. Most importantly FORGIVE yourSELF (for action, inaction, or making bad decisions)
5. Apologize to people you hurt. If impossible to reach, write a letter
Forgiveness is huge, especially when it comes to SELF. Give yourSELF time, and space to grow and do better. Having the conversation with others will not be easy, but it is tremendously rewarding. Don’t make excuses, just be real, apologize and mean it! You never know what forgiveness will do for that other person. They may be struggling with depression, hurt, guilt, or fear of their own. A real and meaningful apology has the power to free you from guilt, manipulation, and any negative connection. Now... here’s the caveat... If you meant your apology and the other person does not receive it... that’s on them. IT’S THEIR MONKIE – YOU BE FREE! You can’t control how other people feel, but you can move on with your own life!
The ghost of regret will never go away on its own. Giving it a little time never works. You must address it. And if you need help, as always I got you CLICK HERE.
For more information on Monkies, Forgiveness, SELF-talk, and getting unstuck get your copy of 4SELF101 right here (it’s not just for teens.)