Hard Reset

Can you believe that it’s been almost a year since I’ve made a note-worthy word deposit here? Would you believe me if I totld you that you that I am a totally different person than I was back then? Yes, I am still me but Baybayyyy… If you thought being an expert on Self development makes you exempt from growing, you are sadly mistaken. The moment you stop growing is the day funeral prep begins… trust!

Many times I have told you Self-development is a LIFELONG endeavor, This whole time that I’ve been pushing forward like a nomad in the face of a desert storm. Ehhhh, I wouldn’t call it a crises, but getting to the next level sometimes aint no joke. Let me just tell you this… scooch up close and listen good… When you find yourself in a perpetual state of irritatating becasie life isn’t “lifing” the way you want or need it to, that’s a hint for your behind that it’s time for a change.

Ever felt like you needed to be somewhere… or thatt you have somewheere to go but when yo into your car knowing theres aa full tank, you put the key in, turn over the ignition but the care just wont go? This kind of puts me in the mind of living through COVID. You have a taste for something and since you’re tired of sitting in the house you decide to go to the corner store. You put on your shoes, find the keys to lock up, down the four flights of stairs to the building exit and out the door you go. You make it off the property, around the corner down 5 blocks down the street to the story… only to find a sign on the door that says “Closed until further notice.” $%&#$ !!!

When you’re done cussing the next thought is: “Well damn that was a colossal waste! A waste of time; a waste of energy and still… no chips! To sum it up, I’m now tired, pissed off, feeling stranded, abandoned, frustrated and still unable to satisfy the hunger for the thing I really really wanted. On the long walk back the only thing swimming in my head is… “There has to be more to life man! God help me…” as a tear rolls down out of my left eye. If you think there has to more to it, there is. Dig deeper with me and I will tell the you the story.

K, so it all begins a little over a year ago when I went to Las Vegas to either restart or end a long dragging on saga between me and… well lets call him Timmy. Timmy and I dated like hooooooo… a lifetime ago. Back in the day we met, dated and almost got married until “the elephant” needed to be address. Oh yeah, The elephant was the fact that he had not gotten around to “filing a divorce.” Yep he was married. Clearly the marriage had been over for quite some time… but covenant… is no little word. Whelp you know what they say about Las Vegas… what you do in Vegas… stays in Vegas. Or… does it. So next week Imma take you there and um you’ll have to tell me, just how wrong I was to do what I did.

Daddy's Girl

I was a whole daddy’s girl that was left broken and looking… needing a replacement. You know they say… girls marry their fathers. I didn’t initially think that was the case with me, until the common denominator blew my mind! We’ll get to that in a minute. My dad came from a long line of fiiiiine men, you hear me?! I can only imagine my great great great grandpa who was a Native American from the Osage tribe hailing from Mississippi. KING was his name… need I say more? One day, Imma write that story, stay tuned.

Anyhow, Bill and Lenora married young, in high school, I’m sure trying to get away from his strict religious up bring where he shared the glory with 3 other super fine men and 6, yep count em 6 sisters. I’m sure it was more than a little tight … Eventually he went to the military, they traveled around a bit, learned to drink, had 3 daughter, one who died as an infant… and then me. That’s the history… just keepin’ it short. By the way, I’m writing a New York, best-selling children’s book series, send you an invite to the tour soon.

At four Daddy-o bounced and our relationship was never the same. Suffice it to say, I adored that man! And it wasn’t until I was mid-thirties when I got to tell him so.

I have a what I’d like to claim as an award-winning blog series on the Hierarchy of Needs starting with “Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis-ease (2/6/2021). Perhaps I will re-post them, I’d love for you to read them all. Anyway, if I had a theme song that summed my entire life it would be Daughters by John Mayer, 2003. The “vacuum need” that literally robbed my life of sober dating and like oxygen (to the brain) was the void shaped like “NEED-TO -FEEL-LOVED” swallowed, no gulped my self -esteem and self-worth to the point, that there was no me at all unless I was dating someone new and wondering, maybe this one is it.

Well I had no clue that I was broken, actually I quite enjoyed all the attention I got, until I didn’t. In this still impacts by fat count today. If I could just be seen like the “I see you” from Avatar ( ) my soul wouldn’t have been so thirsty for so long. But the truth is, is wasn’t until I felt my lip quiver (with contempt) while looking at a fine light-skinned dude and his cute little family. That was the catalyst to “figure out my problem.”

It’s taken many years, but God finally brought me to the gate of satisfaction… true intimacy. A soul satisfying, cool drink in the middle of the desert, rest in my arms, let me sing to you, wipe your tears, an after running in the heat and sweating like a pig bubbly bath with glass a wine, dimmed lights and jazz kind of nigh … an “ah I’m finally home" after a long long journey type of love.

Bill really stopped being my Daddy after I ran away to be with him (at 10 years old) and he sent me back after 6 months. But my hope to have a relationship with daddy never went away but was never rewarded UNTIL I asked God to be my Father and let me tell you, He’s the best Dad ever! No earthly person could or has ever come close. Yep I’m still a Daddy’s girl but on a hole new level, into the 5th dimension and on and on into infinity.

Look Up

Photo by ESO

It’s been a while since I’ve written something, I guess I haven’t been inspired to. Our last time together was just at the turn of a new year. Have your resolutions fallen through yet?… Just checkin’ lol. It’s May, in the middle of Spring… how do we know? It’s on the calendar, it just is… It’s a new season, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Isn’t it weird how we get on a roll and do the things that we always do, like wake up, shower, go to work, come home eat dinner maybe watch a little television and then go to bed. And then get up tomorrow and do all those things all over again. Before you know it, one day bleeds into the next, one week is gone, the month turns into a couple of months (hello) and then it’s Christmas time again. And we say to one another… “Where has the year gone?” Crap! and before you know it, you’re 60. K, slow down! I wish I could make a weekend be more than 2 days. Monday morning always begins with a conversation that starts “The weekend was too short…” lol.

If we need the time to slow down… we must be intentional about getting the most out of each moment. What does that mean for you? To me it means doing things that bring me joy, recharges my batters… makes me feel loved. This Self-Development journey really started because I felt unhappy and the dig to discover why. Well, I learned that I was, as my Dad says, “Overexposed but yet underdeveloped” in so many places in my life. And that over-exposure brought damage… damage that may not have occurred if I were covered in the right ways.

Not being covered and loved and made to feel secure through the primary relationships that build you as a person does result, into the kind of “working through your life for wholeness” that can just be daunting. And not doing the work only leaves one hole and gap after another that find yourself climbing out of time after time. Is this what life is all about, really? And with all of that, there’s the work of relationships. Life can be just… impossible.

This is why wholeness is VITAL. Emotionally, feeling out of sorts and responding incorrectly, pschhhhh… Spiritually, unable to be free from “your demons” many of which came upon you through trauma, and physically feeling tired all the time due to carrying the weight of mental, emotional, and spiritual stress. And it’s TIME that makes things better its only the CONNECTION with (the Father) God and the self-work, He guides us to, the protection and covering He provides that brings you to the PLACE that you are meant to be. There’s a place, where everything bitter thing is made sweet. Where rest can be found and answers loving whispered, correction and strength…healing can be found. How do you get there, JUST LOOK UP. It’s in His presence. And if you don’t know how to get there, there is help. You just have to be bold enough to seek it out. Love yourself enough to go after WHOLENESS. Does it feel good all the time… NO, But there are things you don’t want to do, but once they’re done…. you’re glad you did it. There’s nothing like having weights removed, you’ll run a little faster and be able to jump a little higher. Life is better. Try it and see.

And if you need help, I got you. CLICK HERE

RESOLUTION BUSTER #1: Find Love

Hey ?! To all my readers thank you for visiting me from all over the world! For those of you that are unsure what 4SELF is about let me just bring you on into the concept, right quick. This is a place not of one person teaching all of ya’ll to be all about yourself, #slefishness... but it’s my way of communicating what it takes to be REAL with one’s SELF and how to present in order to be your unapologetically” your highest best and then presenting that person to the world in all your spaces. In other words to live a fully alive “authentically you” lifestyle. And that looks different for everyone... but, you have to start with being honest first with yourself and then with others. Now when I say UNAPOLOGETICALLY I mean it’s a process of getting there. EVERYTHING WORTH WHILE requires a process or processing... it don’t just BLAM! Happen. So in the process of being unapologetically you, everywhere you go and in everything you do, ya may have to apologize to some people and set relationships straight. I’m just being 100. 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #1: Find love 

1st of all let me just say... HELL NAW! To resolutions, we are not doing RESOLUTIONS up in here! And secondly, finding love, is tired... And extremely tiring. Just in all the wrong places, looking, looking, and not finding nothin’! Not finding what you need... anyway. Here’s the thing about looking for love. The more you look, the more elusive “love” becomes. To be quite honest, like we talked about last time... our expectations are so out of whack... God be trying to bless you and you be... (we be) like oh no... look at that nose, or he’s too short, or she’s too fat. We put those expectations or rules in place not just because “we know what we like” but because we have brokenness, fear, or weaknesses that we’re trying to compensate for... rather than do the hard thing and address those issues, we place the onus on the other person to make us happy.  

Yeah, who doesn’t want to be lonely and who doesn’t want intimacy and amazing sex? I know, but the truth is we many of us want what we don’t have the capacity to handle (right now.) I mean we’re just a praying to meet someone to give us romance, intense uforic emotions, and orgasims, but really all we know is LUST, and selfish desire, impatience, and control. Some of us have been hurt so much that we don’t trust good-looking or nice people (or whatever.)  We’re jacked up and in denial. Don’t get offended, and stop playing.... we are ALL jacked up in one way or another. And for some reason, probably mostly fear that people won’t accept us for who are, where we are in our self-development, that we find it hard (impossible for some) TO BE HONEST! Reality Check #1: God (The Universe, Budha, the ancestors, a head of lettuce) or whoever you pray to IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU what you’re praying for if you are not ready! To quote my trantrum conversation with God, His response to me was: 

“Why should I give you this person for you to harm them?” They are probably praying for you too. “Shall I give them to you when they (or you) are not ready - To cause more heartache and stress... What good is a half-baked cake?” And I’ve been there before. The right person at the wrong time is no good either, in fact it could be worse. Instead of stressing out about being lonely make INTENTIONS to fill the empty space with people who already loved and want to spend time with you. And then set SYSTEMS and plans in place to do so. For example:  

1. Spend some quality time with your Bestie - Emotional Intimacy 

2. Join an “Inner healing” class or group AND GO (calendar it) - Spiritual/Self-Development 

3. Do whatever brings you joy (Concert, comedy show, shopping, theatre, sports event, etc) and treat or reward someone you know who enjoys your company - Loneliness 

4. Me-time (Get a massage, mani/pedi, buy an outfit or new shoes, etc) - Self-care, #self-love, #rest #relax, #refillm #feedsoul 

And if you need help or suggestions... As always, I got you, CLICK HERE.  

New Years Resolutions BE DAMNED!

What a year, huh?!!! We’ve seen an attack on the US capital “allegedly” instigated by an ex-president who didn’t want to leave after his lost election. We experienced “The Slap heard around the world”, a war between Russia and the Ukraine,. We’ve seen Britney Griner, basketball star, freed from Russian prison and we’ve said goodbye to many beloved famous figures … including Queen Elizabeth II, Sidney Poitier, Bob Saget, Nichelle Nichols, Angela Lansbury, Irene Cara, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, Kirstie Alley and many more. And i feel like screaming “Phewwwe i made it thru another year, Thank God!” Is a real blessing to have the opportunity to kiss 2022 goodbye and plan for a spectacular new year! Pschhh because not everybody got the same opportunity! Clearly…

Like so many of you, I didn’t quite obtain all of the goals, hopes and dreams… but I haven’t been a complete failure… I’ve accomplished a thing or two. Like the old folks use to say… “I may not (completely) be what I want to be but thank God I am not what I used to be.” I hope that you can also say, “I’ve grown.” Please don’t beat yourSELF up for making mistakes, wasting time or money lost… let us not mourn (too long) on THINGS we lost, including relationships or jobs. Do take time to reflect on what we could’ve done better and try this year to fall into the same traps. Did you trip up or fall down? Even if you “face-planted” and lost a few teeth… if you woke up the next day, there’s always an opportunity to dust off, get your head straight and do better. Thank God for grace and mercy.

Look back only long enough to see clearly where you were and to acknowledge that the past IS PASSED. Don’t make excuses, shake the dust from your clothes, from your feet and mind. Forgive others and also… forgive yourSELF so that you can feel clean on the inside and free to present the best you to 2023. LET GO OF WHATEVER IS HOLDING YOU DOWN, OR DISTRACTING YOU FROM YOUR (God-given) PURPOSE and GOALS.

I know God is not popular right now, mainly because it’s hard to like, love or respect someone you don’t know… and the world is a mess right now. But, it ain’t all bad, come on, you have to admit the sun is still shining, the ocean is still beautiful blue and teaming with life. The air is breathable and water drinkable… The truth is, life is what you make it. What to be miserable, grumpy, fearful, immobile, manipulative, mean, and nasty… that’s your business. But you don’t have to be. Change your mind and you can change your life. Knowing God is the beginning of Living Life to the fullest.

And as far as RESOLUTIONS go, we all want to make changes. But may I suggest that you create INTENTIONS instead? And when you say “This year I intend to do this or that… in the words of former Rocket Scientist Kantis Simmons… MAKE A SYSTEM. If you want to accomplish anything don’t make a promise to yourself that you’re probably gonna break in the first few weeks of 2023 (like going working out every day) - that only brings down your SELF esteem. Create steps to do the thing. For instance, if you want to save money for a vacation… a system might be to decide where you want to go and how much it will cost. Divide the money into bite-sized chunks (say $50 a paycheck for 10 pay cycle.) Pull the cash out when you go for groceries and place it in a “saving-for-my-vacation envelope” place it somewhere safe or in that savings account you never use… AND DON’T TOUCH IT! Call and make your reservation and be ready to roll when the date comes up. Rember to remind yourself to cancel or change the date beforehand if necessary.

Ok, for the next couple of weeks let’s explore other ways to systemize our Intentions… next week “Improving My own SOUL.”

For More Information on creating systems visit Kantis Simmons at KantisSimmons.com

Life is THE GIFT

Well it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. And this week has been a crazy one. The thing that nearly took me out was Stephen “tWich” Boss, the dancing DJ for Ellen DeGeneres and judge on “World of Dance” committed suicide. And then I saw a video on multi-media about the advances of science to create artificial wombs to grow babies in. Lord!!!! Can you imagine the implications of growing babies in an atmosphere that can capture data electronically and shoot messages to the parents via text message. We’ve got to talk more about the “Let’s just replace God” scientific exploits. But talk about this suicide thing.   

Here I am sitting in my semi-high-rise loft-type apartment overlooking a lighted courtyard. The Christmas tree is glowing and there’s just peace... Although life isn’t exactly what I wanted to be at this time, and I feel a little anxious and frustrated, I have to admit.... this compared to what others are experiencing is heaven... I AM BLESSED, I know it and I’m grateful. Thinking about tWich and what he must’ve been going through to take his own life and leave 3 babies and a wife... tears my heart out. It just goes to show, what you see may not reflect the reality of things. But what I do know is that the miracle of HAVING A NEW DAY TO MAKE CHANGE, is a REAL GIFT!  

I get that circumstances, health, financial woes and so many other things can make us feel helpless and depressed... and depression almost forces a person “want to be alone” which isolates us form other’s... not just their prying questions, helpful antidotes, etc... which don’t always help. But it also blocks help from getting to us. Please if you are feeling hopelessly depressed don’t isolate yourself, call the SUICIDE HOTLINE (1-800-273-8255) or reach out to someone for PRAYER and assistance. Words may not help all that much, but words and actions will. What you ALLOW to be in your life makes all the difference in the world.  

Self-Development is the gift I try to share with you, but even I know life is not always going to be up. The challenge is meeting every circumstance in the best way that you can. When life is down, and you're feeling depressed, the whispering starts... tempting you to do this evil to self and others... The temptation to isolate yourself and then to harm yourSELF, see it for what it really is... it’s a spirit designed to take you out! But know “There is no new Temptation that is not common to man that God will not provide a door of escape for.” And I get that we get tired of praying and hoping that someone will rescue us. I know it’s tiring trying and trying, hoping and praying and not seeing change. But the real issue is YOUR CHOICE. If you believe in God, He will give you a door... but! If the solution isn’t exactly what you asked for, or looks a little different, will you choose it? The old people used to say: God will help you … IF YOU LET HIM. Now if you don’t believe the help is coming... that’s quite another snare.  

In this season, surround yourself with people that love you, soak up laughter and good conversation (be real about what you’re going through) and let it re-fill your heart and feed your soul. That’s where you’ll find joy and hope. Just don’t be alone, it’s the isolated one that becomes EASY PREY. Accept the help and care loved one’s offer... just choose 1 another day. Your help IS coming, even if it’s a door (a way to escape) but CHOOSE LIFE! And if no one has said so...  

You are loved, you are not a burden, your life has value and a REAL purpose. There is only 1 you and you are important! We love you; we need you and we want you around... LIFE IS THE GIFT So don't give it up. If you are struggling to see the good, you are on the wrong path. If you need help finding the WAY, or you need someone to talk to, I got you, click here.

The Perfect Gift

You must’ve made it through Thanksgiving or you wouldn't be sitting here right now reading this lol. It's been a crazy fast year, hasn't it? Most of us are glad that it's coming to an end and we are so ready to start the new year fresh and do better. But hold on...we still have the month of December.  

You may be sitting in a space that you’re a little irritated for not having received the things you’ve hoped and prayed for. Maybe you wanted a job, a car, a house or a new relationship. Or maybe you’ve had circumstances that have gone to S^&T and despite how you tried or prayed, things haven’t turned around for you. I have a question, a 4SELF-DEVELOPMENT question: If you’ve a good little boy or girl this year (week, month or quarter) and Santa doesn't come through for you, how will you behave? Will you hate God, hate life, hate the world, throw a tantrum, go into a major depression or wanna die? Hey it's a valid question! To be perfectly honest, I’ve been there and sometimes it’s just hard to hold your head up and keep going.  

Last month we focused on Thankfullness. Hopefully you took the time to make a list, to journal and meditate on your blessings. Because rather you want to admit it or not there are parts of the world that don’t have it as good as we do – Like total third world countries. If fact every time you pass a homeless person... you must realize things could always be worse. Thank God it’s not you, right?  

Sometimes all we can think about is what we DO NOT HAVE and what our lives would look like if we never get those things... yeah it can be depressing! But let me challenge you to set that down just for a moment. And the way to come out of that space is.... ready for this: 

GET OVER YOURSELF (lol) Stay with me.... 

You know I’m not one to bark at ya or judge without suggesting something that could help you do better. Uh, it’s time to leave the pity-party so that you can finish strong. And the way to do this is to .... CHANGING YOUR FOCUS.  

1. Go down to your local shelter and just observed the people. You will notice that not everybody is mentally challenged or addicted to a substance. There are former CEOs, mothers with children, and other folks who previously “had it going on” but now find themselves in a bad position. Can you imagine not having the basic needs that we take for granted? A key to a place we call our own? No bed (with a pillow & linens we chose) to sleep in, a private room with a door, a toilet and shower that we don’t have to share with strangers, no refrigerator with left-overs, and no peace and quiet. Its crazy but looking at the less fortunate should make you think... 

2. Go where the homeless are and watch. If you are so bold go have a conversation. See the people and if nothing else … thank God that that’s not you.  

3. Find ways to help the less fortunate. If you’re squeamish about getting your hands dirty, or feeling uncomfortable find a church and donate can goods, blankets, or needed items like new socks, gently-used clothing and shoes (stuff that you don’t use anymore.)  

4. If you have nothing to give, donate time: SERVE. Many churches or community centers make food boxes for needy families, and pass them out at an event. Or go help with the Annual Christmas dinner at the neighborhood Homeless Shelter. You could make sandwiches and pass them out to the homeless (and offer encouragement or prayer.) So many SELF-LESS things you could do.  

And you will be surprised how serving others puts your own issues into prospective and makes you feel grateful for what you do have. Just know, you will not just be doing good, you’ll also be planting seeds for your own future.  

Thank you so much for tracking with me this year... I’ve seen you grow! (Metaphorically speaking). I hope that you have seen your SELF, learned to like you a little more, or have recognized some ways to improve. And if no has told you, You have value, you are an individual, which makes you special. You are beautiful, you are ENOUGH and you are loved. You deserve the best, and God has just that for you. If you believe that He is working all things together for you good, at the proper time you will receive if you don’t give up … you will receive good. What you pray for may not manifest exactly the way you hoped... but remember... that could be you on skid row. Thank God, it’s not. Its my hope that you finish this year, healthy, having everything you NEEDS and that you are blessed with at least one of your wants.  

Thank you for tracking with me, laughing with me, thinking with me and growing with me. I look forward to meeting you again soon.  

Peace and Love,  

Anji