Ok, let me tell you about the man I met at 4, lol, back then he was the boy next door. He had the cutest milky yellow face with “good hair” that was brushed down and parted on the side.  Mom and Dad’s divorced brought us to my grandmas and that and that’s where I met Paul. One of 5 super fine boys, the son of a sometimes very harsh Military man and a beautiful light-skinned (mulatto I think) “Fathers Knows Best” housewife.  She wore a French bun and crisp white apron.  I can’t image the strength (and control) it took to keep 5 boys in line while dad was away.  

One day while sitting in Gram’s yard Paul came bouncing over, in his clean little shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes… looking like a JC Penny’s advertisement model. We’d sit and play (with trucks, cars, or marbles… or whatever) for hours until his mother called him in to make the “red Kool-Aid” for dinner. And afterwards he would return with red-dyed fingertips.  Over the next year and a half, we became inseparable, until my Mom remarried, and we moved to “the county.”  But whenever I came to Gram’s I needed to see him (or Vicki my bestie across the street.) And then one day… like bam! the Military snatched  his family away to California, Essex Place was never the same again. Man! I was crushed. Unexpectedly, about 3 years later, Gram received a letter for me from San Diego, it was Paul. And that started a 4 year long-distance love affair lived out through 6 to7 page letters. We did everything together, travel, sports, hobbies, and dream… and we eventually began to plan our future, complete with a picket fence and 3 kids.    

Aww shucks and then my family relocated to Cali and all I could think of was seeing Paul again. When the invite came to spend the day (and night) at the Landers’ house I was ecstatic… but a little weirded out (who does that?). I saw Paul waiting outside as we pulled up, as soon as the car stopped rolling I jumped out and we ran into each other’s arms,  It was like a movie, lol. We made ourselves scarce and spent the entire day just catching up and kissing. At bedtime I retreated to his room and he to the couch downstairs. Everything was very innocent. Laying in his bed our letters came to life… I was in his world now.  The ceiling was like a night sky filled with stars and glowing planes hanging from stings. I was felt closer to him then ever, and as I drifted off to sleep feeling warm, safe... and loved.

BUT IN THE MORNING… the Mothers summonsed us to the kitchen for a little chat. Thinking that was odd, holding hands we shrugged it off and entered the room. Mrs. Landers began by saying, “At first I thought this was Puppy-love but now that I see you together, I realize it’s  much more than that.” (I wonder if she knew that we had our future together already planned out?) “I don’t know if I can have this… He’s my baby boy and he has plans to become an Aeronautical Engineer like his father.” And my mother just nodded. I can’t remember the sequence now but afterward we ran off to spend the last remaining hours together before I had to leave. In the following weeks the letters began to trickle in, and I just  knew something was wrong.  And then he called: “It’s not you, it’s me …” he said, and my world came crashing down. I cried for weeks. And then I remembered the intervention and his mother words, “I don’t think I can have this…” After a brief depression I fell in love with Kip McGee. But the gaping hole remained …

It wasn’t until 15 years later that Paul, and I met and had a very vulnerable talk. He listened very patiently, I forgave him and received closure that day. But my secret hopes crashed and burned when his mom invited another girl to the same holiday dinner, he invited me to. He always denied his mom’s involvement in the demise of our relationship… but I felt like this was proof. So, we both went on with our lives. He DID become a rocket scientist, and later married a beautiful German girl and had 3 kids. They’re teenagers today… mine are grown (chuckle chuckle.)

Revisiting Lil Anji (and the PUPPY LOVE situation) I learned… 1) Sometimes God doesn’t answer your prayers the way you want Him to but there is always a good reason why. 2) Perfection is sometimes only skin deep. I thought having 2 parents was better than the life I had. But when I saw how mean/harsh Poppa Landers was to Paul and how controlling his Momma was… I realized every family has dysfunction (but even with brokenness, ya don’t have to treat people like crap!) AND 3) You’ll never be “good enough” for some people no matter how hard you try. Don’t take on their “monkies.” And don’t let their opinions shape who you are. God’s love compels me (each of us) to address our own “monkies,” to FORGIVE, RELEASE and move on. (I AM who i am by the grace of God!)

In closing let me say this about Paul, I am so very proud of him and I am very happy that he’s happy (#friendsforever).

Hey if you are struggling to get over your past and/or first love, I can help you, CLICK HERE For more on “monkies” and how to get rid of them get 4SELF 101 here (Its not just for teens.)